Excessive demands making marriage impossible and How to best deal with the sickness ?

[anonymous]

Islam encourages marriage and recommends early marriage for young men and It lays down a criterion for choosing the right spouse.

When a father receives a proposal of marriage for his daughter, he should consider the character of the suitor, not his wealth or family connections.

The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him
[your daughter] in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society.” Again as you can see the Prophet, peace be upon him, does not attach any importance to the wealth or position of the man who comes with a marriage proposal.

He speaks only of the man’s honesty and strength of faith. The Prophet, peace be upon him, also warns that if we choose different criteria, our society will soon suffer
from corruption.

Having said that, I should also explain that these criteria which the Prophet, peace be upon him, outlined are the ones to be given priority. Other considerations also have
their importance, although they must never precede the ones the Prophet, peace beupon him, has outlined.

For example, if a family has to choose between two proposals from two persons whoboth meet the proper standard of honesty and strength of faith, then other factors
such as the age of the suitor and his type of job or trade may be given their due importance. Hence, scholars have stressed compatibility as an important basis for
accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal.

It is certainly against the teachings of Islam to make marriage difficult for young people by making excessive demands of dower, housing and furniture. These should
always be of reasonable standard so that we do not discourage young people from marriage and cause a general delay in the marriage age in society
.
This is unfortunately the case in many countries, where you find most people unable to get married before they reach their late twenties or early thirties. In some
cases, people reach 40 years of age before they have a realistic chance of being married. That is a situation, which leads to much corruption.


So my questions is how important is it that a person who wishes to get married should have a permanent job and enough savings to have an expensive wedding and luxurious lifestyle

How about a person, who works in a very Large and reputed firm and has enough to pay a dower and lead a normal standard of living, but cannot afford a luxurious wedding and luxurious lifestyle ?

What should be said to such greedy and excessive demanding parents/inlaws to change their social view that only a wealthy bridegroom is worth considering. ?

May I also ask of a person who feels that he needs to get married but finds himself unable to arrange that because he cannot meet such excessive demands ? Should he resort to fasting? If so, for how long ? Forever ?

 

[Salahudeen]

I understand what you mean, even practicing people have big demands, it's impossible to get married without a job so if there's not that many jobs in your part of the world you're screwed basically :hmm:

tbh I would rather not get married at all instead of marrying a woman who marries me cos of my job, I'd rather marry someone who wanted to marry me when I was poor and didn't have much, I couldn't be happy if I knew my wife married me cos I had a good job so I wouldn't even consider greedy in laws who have high demands cos I'd think they only wanted to marry cos of money.

But this is the problem, the first thing in laws ask about is your job and it puts me right off :hmm:

 

[ardianto]

In another thread I wrote about brother "S". He is my brother friend. I and my family know him since long time ago.

"S" was born in poor family, his life was full of suffering. But he has a good personality, and his religious level, mashaallah, very good.

He still poor when he got married mote than 14 years ago. But now he has becomes a success businessman. He has several companies, good house, few cars, and afford to give sadaqah not in small amount. That's brother "S", a poor boy who becomes a rich man.

Okay, lets we open our eyes and look around. Count, how many people like "S" around us, who could turn from poor into rich. You must be surprised, there are many people like this around you.

Now, look at another side and count, how many people who born in rich families but now become poor people, or trapped in bad debt. You must be shocked, because there are many people like them around you.

Let me tell the truth. Many young men are rich just because their dads are rich. What they have were given by their dads, not as result of their work. And have a rich dad is not a guarantee to always rich. If those young rich men are lazy, they would turn into poor men, soon or later.

However, poor men who have good spirit and motivation like "S" are potential to be rich in the future.

We never know what would happen to someone tomorrow. A poor man today probably would becomes rich man tomorrow. Rich man today probably would becomes poor man tomorrow.

Not every woman and parent realize this reality, of course.

But don't worry bro, not all women and parents are blinded by wealth. There are women and parents who focus on character and personality when they decide to accept or refuse a marriage proposal. And I believe, people like them are still exist in your place.

 

[ardianto]

But this is the problem, the first thing in laws ask about is your job and it puts me right off

Your job or your wealth ? that's different, bro.

Like I have said, there are parents who not blinded by wealth, but focus on character and personality. They will let their daughter marry a young man who work with low salary but has a good spirit and motivation, because they believe, this man is potential to be rich in the future.

But if the man who propose marriage is a jobless man, they will regard this man has bad character, ... lazy !

So, bro. Try to get a job before you propose a marriage. It's OK if you get low salary in this job. Many parent know, people who have high salaries started their career in low salary job.

 

[anonymous]

Your job or your wealth ? that's different, bro.

Like I have said, there are parents who not blinded by wealth, but focus on character and personality. They will let their daughter marry a young man who work with low salary but has a good spirit and motivation, because they believe, this man is potential to be rich in the future.

But if the man who propose marriage is a jobless man, they will regard this man has bad character, ... lazy !

So, bro. Try to get a job before you propose a marriage. It's OK if you get low salary in this job. Many parent know, people who have high salaries started their career in low salary job.

You dont seem to be getting the problem.

I am talking about a Person X lives in a society where 99% looks at wealth and not character and he works in a very Large and reputed firm with ample opportunities for career growth but at the moment has just about enough money lead a normal standard of living, but cannot afford a luxurious wedding and luxurious lifestyle and cannot afford to send children a to a very good school

So The person X parents are basically greedy and they want him to be able to marry a woman with equally greedy inlaws and be able to afford a luxurious lifestyle and are basically saying Either live like a King or die like a dog.

So ,What is the solution for person X ?

1. Do you want to person X to get a an imam/scholar from a Mosque to speak to the parents and try to stuff some sense into thier heads to give up their greedy ways as The Prophet (PBUH) has already warned that such greedy behavior will lead to strife and corruption in society. See hadith quoted in my first post, i will post it again incase you missed it

The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him[your daughter] in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society.



2. If the scholar fails to convince the money minded cowards, Threaten to Break away from them as they are doing wrong and get married with someone from a very very poor family in a Shariah Court with Imam/Scholar, as a witness

3 Just patiently wait for parents to pass away before going and getting married with someone from a very very poor family in a Shariah Court with Imam/Scholar, as a witness. Person X could well be 55 or 60 years by the time that happens and its highly unlikely that a woman would want him at that age.

 

[Asiyah3]

So my questions is how important is it that a person who wishes to get married should have a permanent job and enough savings to have an expensive wedding and luxurious lifestyle

I will only answer for myself. I'd like my future husband to have a job, I don't care whether he's a doctor or a waiter though, nor if it's permanent. Allah knows best if we will be alive tomorrow, He is the Provider, and in Him we put our trust.

It's important for a husband to have a job in order to fulfill his duties.

How about a person, who works in a very Large and reputed firm and has enough to pay a dower and lead a normal standard of living, but cannot afford a luxurious wedding and luxurious lifestyle ?

I personally prefer a simple wedding, and to spend the money on something else, like buying a nicer house or travelling abroad.

More importantly, what matters is that the wedding is in accordance with Allah's rulings and that our intention is purely for Allah's sake, not to make a luxurious wedding to impress people.

 

[ardianto]

You dont seem to be getting the problem.

The post you've quoted is for brother Salahudeen.

I am talking about a Person X lives in a society where 99% looks at wealth and not character

If a Muslim blew a bomb, people say "Muslims are terrorists", but if a Muslim donated much money to non-Muslims, nobody says "Muslims are generous". It's because people usually mark a community based on the worst in the community, not based on the best.

Like in other communities, greedy people who look at wealth are exist in that community too, but you cannot say 99% of people in person X community look at wealth and not character. Like I've said, people who look at character and not wealth are exist in your community too. Don't make your community look bad in the eyes of world society.

and he works in a very Large and reputed firm with ample opportunities for career growth but at the moment has just about enough money lead a normal standard of living, but cannot afford a luxurious wedding and luxurious lifestyle and cannot afford to send children a to a very good school

How can you say person X cannot afford to send children to a very good (I guess, you meant expensive) school if person X not yet a married man and does not have child today ?.

We never know what would happen to someone and to us in the future, but we must always optimistic and always try to get the best for our life.

I am a parent, I have two sons, and I want my sons would be the success men in the future, have much money, live in good houses, etc. Is it means I am greed ?. No, because I never have an intention to live in luxurious life with my sons money. All parents want their children have good life in the future, and they always motivate their children to gain success.

And about luxurious wedding. A young man told his complains to me "I want to get married but my parents and her parents want a wedding party in wedding hall with many invited guests. It's expensive. Don't they know ?, if the party is simple party, I can use the money to build a business".

I understood what was in his mind. But actually, for parents and the bride herself, wedding is something that expected to be happened once in a life time (for one person), and they want it becomes something special. But of course, make wedding party that too expensive and causing financial problem is wrong. Person X should talk with his family about it.

So The person X parents are basically greedy and they want him to be able to marry a woman with equally greedy inlaws and be able to afford a luxurious lifestyle and are basically saying Either live like a King or die like a dog.

I was born in priyayi family, an elite class in Javanese ethnic between royal families and ordinary majority people. I know, my parents, especially mother, expected me to marry a woman in same level. But I married a woman from poor family, and my mother could understand (my father had passed away when I got married)

Elite and middle class parents in everywhere expect their kids marry spouses from same level, but as long as their kids can convince their parents that marry someone from lower class is not wrong, parents can understand. The person X should convince his parents about it.

So ,What is the solution for person X ?

1. Do you want to person X to get a an imam/scholar from a Mosque to speak to the parents and try to stuff some sense into thier heads to give up their greedy ways as The Prophet (PBUH) has already warned that such greedy behavior will lead to strife and corruption in society. See hadith quoted in my first post, i will post it again incase you missed it

The Prophet, peace be upon him, says: “Should a man whom you find satisfactory with regard to his honesty and strength of faith propose to you for marriage, then give him[your daughter] in marriage. Unless you do that, there is bound to be strife and much corruption in society.

2. If the scholar fails to convince the money minded cowards, Threaten to Break away from them as they are doing wrong and get married with someone from a very very poor family in a Shariah Court with Imam/Scholar, as a witness

3 Just patiently wait for parents to pass away before going and getting married with someone from a very very poor family in a Shariah Court with Imam/Scholar, as a witness. Person X could well be 55 or 60 years by the time that happens and its highly unlikely that a woman would want him at that age.

As a male, person X does not need wali in nikah. He can comes alone to nikah even if his parents does not approve it.

But of course, it's better if person X convince his parent first, that marry poor woman is not wrong. If necesary, he may request an imam to explain about it to his parents. Solution #2 is the last way if other ways meet the dead end.