Extreme boredom (I feel my life now is boring)
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This is also a great suggestion by Bro Eric , Yes Orphans who need love and care . Or aim at Hostels where Kids are Homesick . Because this is a feeling I went (after loosing my Father at 9 years and My Mom was forced by inlaws to put me in a hostel) through myself which i cant forget EVEN after 4 decades.
They carry greatest virtues in Islam to sooth a broken heart.
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Could it be loneliness? You can fill up your day with activities and in the company of friends but when you are at home you have no companion to share life with.. ... not only lonely, can be depressing too!
May Allah give you hidayah..
eace:
May Allah give you hidayah..
eace:
ardianto
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Jazakallah khayran, thank you very much for your response, bro, sis.
After my wife passed away the only parent of my children is me. Yes, they close with me. But as boys they also have their own want, and it makes me cannot involve them in activity that I want. Often I want to go recreation with them on Sunday, but they want to do their own activities. And when they do their own activities outside the home I must stay at home, because they can go home anytime.
Active in social activity like suggested by brother Eric, or traveling are good ideas. But, .... I have no enough time because I must always give my time for my children. I almost have no time for myself.
About remarry?. Now I try to not thinking about remarry. I am afraid I will hurt a woman heart again.
There was someone from the past who came to me life again. Someone who admire me. When I met her I began to thinking to remarry, and it raised a hope in her heart. But then I was afraid that my children cannot accept the "new mother". So I told her that my children still need more time to be ready to accept new mother, when she started to talk about marriage. Later her attitude began to change, and she start to away from me. I know what she feel, and it makes me guilty.
That's why now I do not think about remarry. I don't want to hurt a woman heart again, although, honestly, I often feel lonely.
Maybe this is what sometime makes me feel my life now is boring. And suddenly I feel like I want to back to my youth life again, when I was young, free, single, and could do anything that I want. But this feeling also makes me feel guilty to my children because I feel like I blame them for my loneliness.
After my wife passed away the only parent of my children is me. Yes, they close with me. But as boys they also have their own want, and it makes me cannot involve them in activity that I want. Often I want to go recreation with them on Sunday, but they want to do their own activities. And when they do their own activities outside the home I must stay at home, because they can go home anytime.
Active in social activity like suggested by brother Eric, or traveling are good ideas. But, .... I have no enough time because I must always give my time for my children. I almost have no time for myself.
About remarry?. Now I try to not thinking about remarry. I am afraid I will hurt a woman heart again.
There was someone from the past who came to me life again. Someone who admire me. When I met her I began to thinking to remarry, and it raised a hope in her heart. But then I was afraid that my children cannot accept the "new mother". So I told her that my children still need more time to be ready to accept new mother, when she started to talk about marriage. Later her attitude began to change, and she start to away from me. I know what she feel, and it makes me guilty.
That's why now I do not think about remarry. I don't want to hurt a woman heart again, although, honestly, I often feel lonely.
Maybe this is what sometime makes me feel my life now is boring. And suddenly I feel like I want to back to my youth life again, when I was young, free, single, and could do anything that I want. But this feeling also makes me feel guilty to my children because I feel like I blame them for my loneliness.
Huzaifah ibn Adam
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Have you spoken with your sons about it, akhi? How do you know they will not be accepting of a new wife in your life?
sister herb
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This might not be an option when you have children to take care. Then it´s better to keep your feet on the ground. Both feet.
Sports with your boys sounds a good idea.
:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)
(Peace be upon you)
Brother, your children are old enough to understand and so you need to sit them down and explain to them that while you loved their mother and always will, just as your heart is big enough to love them, your heart is big enough that the capacity to love will only increase when you marry again. Tell them that you're not looking to replace their mother, only that you're seeking to bring in another person with whom to share your combined lives in the hope that they too as you will be able to benefit from a feminine presence in their lives.
In case you're thinking that your children will accept better the prospect of your remarriage at a later time than now, I want to remind you that's not necessarily the case. In fact, they may find it harder to accept another woman in their lives when they're older because they'll question the necessity of you bringing in another person at all into their lives when you've lived all this time without one anyway; children are often selfish in the case of their parents, you see, but you cannot afford to indulge their selfish impulse to have you all to themselves because then you'll probably (God-forbid!) regret so doing when they start their own lives independent of you and you won't have anyone with which to share your own life and loneliness. If you feel badly about inadvertently sometimes blaming your children for your loneliness now, then think how much worse you'll feel then when they no longer need you in that way and you will in their adulthood at best be a peripheral person whom they will not be able to spend the same time and energy that you'd lavished on them which you could have spent deservedly on also making a less lonely and more happy future for yourself. So, please, don't make that mistake InshaAllah (God-willing).
If that woman with whom you were in contact is still unattached, then I'd suggest that you first make duas (supplications) about your children's heart becoming open and accepting of any remarriage in the offing, second talk to your children about the situation and then contact this woman apologizing to her for having been indecisive and and hurting her and also tell her that you've made the firm decision to pursue marriage with her if she's still amenable and then marry her if she says yes and InshaAllah (God-willing) she does. Continue making duas (supplications) that all your lives are enriched through your remarriage. She won't ever be their mother of course, the mother that they knew and loved, the mother whom they knew loved them in turn; but this woman can be their friend if they'll allow her and also a motherly type of figure to whom they can turn just as they would with a matronly aunt if they want. They don't have to love her or accept her as a mother but just respect and honor her as a human being. It's as simple as that.
Trust that you have a right to pursue your happiness if God wills; if you deprive yourself of that right with the excuse that your children may not be ready, then maybe you're using them as an excuse for your own guilt that you survived and your spouse didn't and so actually you're the one who is not ready because maybe you don't think you deserve the chance to be happy without her. I note you're alive by God's will; and a woman who has ever loved a man as I imagine your wife did you would want her partner to be happy even without her because true romantic love is not selfish and all about giving and celebrating God's gift of life and seeking meaning.
Sleep on this; what happened with that woman whom you felt you hurt has no bearing on what should happen in the now. Think. Reflect. Take action.
:wa: (And peace be upon you)
(Peace be upon you)Brother, your children are old enough to understand and so you need to sit them down and explain to them that while you loved their mother and always will, just as your heart is big enough to love them, your heart is big enough that the capacity to love will only increase when you marry again. Tell them that you're not looking to replace their mother, only that you're seeking to bring in another person with whom to share your combined lives in the hope that they too as you will be able to benefit from a feminine presence in their lives.
In case you're thinking that your children will accept better the prospect of your remarriage at a later time than now, I want to remind you that's not necessarily the case. In fact, they may find it harder to accept another woman in their lives when they're older because they'll question the necessity of you bringing in another person at all into their lives when you've lived all this time without one anyway; children are often selfish in the case of their parents, you see, but you cannot afford to indulge their selfish impulse to have you all to themselves because then you'll probably (God-forbid!) regret so doing when they start their own lives independent of you and you won't have anyone with which to share your own life and loneliness. If you feel badly about inadvertently sometimes blaming your children for your loneliness now, then think how much worse you'll feel then when they no longer need you in that way and you will in their adulthood at best be a peripheral person whom they will not be able to spend the same time and energy that you'd lavished on them which you could have spent deservedly on also making a less lonely and more happy future for yourself. So, please, don't make that mistake InshaAllah (God-willing).
If that woman with whom you were in contact is still unattached, then I'd suggest that you first make duas (supplications) about your children's heart becoming open and accepting of any remarriage in the offing, second talk to your children about the situation and then contact this woman apologizing to her for having been indecisive and and hurting her and also tell her that you've made the firm decision to pursue marriage with her if she's still amenable and then marry her if she says yes and InshaAllah (God-willing) she does. Continue making duas (supplications) that all your lives are enriched through your remarriage. She won't ever be their mother of course, the mother that they knew and loved, the mother whom they knew loved them in turn; but this woman can be their friend if they'll allow her and also a motherly type of figure to whom they can turn just as they would with a matronly aunt if they want. They don't have to love her or accept her as a mother but just respect and honor her as a human being. It's as simple as that.
Trust that you have a right to pursue your happiness if God wills; if you deprive yourself of that right with the excuse that your children may not be ready, then maybe you're using them as an excuse for your own guilt that you survived and your spouse didn't and so actually you're the one who is not ready because maybe you don't think you deserve the chance to be happy without her. I note you're alive by God's will; and a woman who has ever loved a man as I imagine your wife did you would want her partner to be happy even without her because true romantic love is not selfish and all about giving and celebrating God's gift of life and seeking meaning.
Sleep on this; what happened with that woman whom you felt you hurt has no bearing on what should happen in the now. Think. Reflect. Take action.
:wa: (And peace be upon you)
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:bism: (In the Name of God, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful)
Brother, your children are old enough to understand and so you need to sit them down and explain to them that while you loved their mother and always will, just as your heart is big enough to love them, your heart is big enough that the capacity to love will only increase when you marry again. Tell them that you're not looking to replace their mother, only that you're seeking to bring in another person with whom to share your combined lives in the hope that they too as you will be able to benefit from a feminine presence in their lives.
In case you're thinking that your children will accept better the prospect of your remarriage at a later time than now, I want to remind you that's not necessarily the case. In fact, they may find it harder to accept another woman in their lives when they're older because they'll question the necessity of you bringing in another person at all into their lives when you've lived all this time without one anyway; children are often selfish in the case of their parents, you see, but you cannot afford to indulge their selfish impulse to have you all to themselves because then you'll probably (God-forbid!) regret so doing when they start their own lives independent of you and you won't have anyone with which to share your own life and loneliness. If you feel badly about inadvertently sometimes blaming your children for your loneliness now, then think how much worse you'll feel then when they no longer need you in that way and you will in their adulthood at best be a peripheral person whom they will not be able to spend the same time and energy that you'd lavished on them which you could have spent deservedly on also making a less lonely and more happy future for yourself. So, please, don't make that mistake InshaAllah (God-willing).
If that woman with whom you were in contact is still unattached, then I'd suggest that you first make duas (supplications) about your children's heart becoming open and accepting of any remarriage in the offing, second talk to your children about the situation and then contact this woman apologizing to her for having been indecisive and and hurting her and also tell her that you've made the firm decision to pursue marriage with her if she's still amenable and then marry her if she says yes and InshaAllah (God-willing) she does. Continue making duas (supplications) that all your lives are enriched through your remarriage. She won't ever be their mother of course, the mother that they knew and loved, the mother whom they knew loved them in turn; but this woman can be their friend if they'll allow her and also a motherly type of figure to whom they can turn just as they would with a matronly aunt if they want. They don't have to love her or accept her as a mother but just respect and honor her as a human being. It's as simple as that.
Trust that you have a right to pursue your happiness if God wills; if you deprive yourself of that right with the excuse that your children may not be ready, then maybe you're using them as an excuse for your own guilt that you survived and your spouse didn't and so actually you're the one who is not ready because maybe you don't think you deserve the chance to be happy without her. I note you're alive by God's will; and a woman who has ever loved a man as I imagine your wife did you would want her partner to be happy even without her because true romantic love is not selfish and all about giving and celebrating God's gift of life and seeking meaning.
Sleep on this; what happened with that woman whom you felt you hurt has no bearing on what should happen in the now. Think. Reflect. Take action.
:wa: (And peace be upon you)
And together with this let your Kids get along with the Woman you were interested in so that they go out together or get together in her home with food that she prepares . Let that Sister show A Mom's Love to your Kids and Ask Allah to create love among them.
Inshallah You might see one day your Kids will FORCE YOU TO marry her even if you insisted not to, Inshallah.
lolWARNING
Dont get very close to her since you are still undecided and not married and its haram.
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You're welcome, [MENTION=21546]ardianto[/MENTION], and I understand that children cannot be in place of a spouse, that is why the loneliness is felt. I was also going to suggest as Search has suggested, that if its possible to contact that lady again then do so. Dont feel bad as you are doing what your heart tells you and you're trying to make the best decisions, and she will understand this if she's still inclined.
Also, brother Huzaifah has given alot of great advices about spending time:ma:.
Also, brother Huzaifah has given alot of great advices about spending time:ma:.
ardianto
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I haven't talk in level "Daddy want to remarry", but just "How if daddy have someone to accompany in daily life?". And the hard reaction came from my youngest boy. Different than the oldest who is calm, my youngest boy is temperamental, and easy to angry. It makes me often worry, if I remarry maybe conflict would be happen between him and my new wife.
Actually I want to hear experience from ex-widower who remarried. Maybe I can get some tips to deal with this. But currently I cannot find an ex-widower who close enough with me to be asked about his experience. I have few friends who remarried, but they were not widowers. They got divorced and their children follow their ex-wives. So was easy for them to remarry.
Then should I apologize to my "old friend"?. No need to do do it because ..... she contacted me today!.
I was surprised. I don't know how could it happened only 10 hours after I wrote my last post . Just coincidence?. Or this is a sign from Allah?. Alhamdulillah, I start to have a hope again. And now the time to think about what I shall do.
Actually I want to hear experience from ex-widower who remarried. Maybe I can get some tips to deal with this. But currently I cannot find an ex-widower who close enough with me to be asked about his experience. I have few friends who remarried, but they were not widowers. They got divorced and their children follow their ex-wives. So was easy for them to remarry.
Then should I apologize to my "old friend"?. No need to do do it because ..... she contacted me today!.
I was surprised. I don't know how could it happened only 10 hours after I wrote my last post . Just coincidence?. Or this is a sign from Allah?. Alhamdulillah, I start to have a hope again. And now the time to think about what I shall do.
Huzaifah ibn Adam
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It is unwise to let your children control or dictate your life, akhi. Your children will themselves marry and move on. It is yourself you should be thinking about.
noraina
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Assalamu alaykum,
Brother ardianto, you seem like an extremely caring and thoughtful person ma'sha'Allah, and no doubt your sons will appreciate that.
I think in life a companion is so important if you feel lonely (which is utterly natural) and there is nothing to feel ashamed about. Your sons aren't little boys anymore, they are grown up and mature - I strongly suggest you sit down and discuss it with them at length. Of course, they obviously loved their mother (may Allah swt grant her Jannah) dearly and sometimes it can be hard for them to accept if they feel that you are trying to 'replace' her or 'fill' her space. Tell them you're not, that she will always have her own place, and whoever you may marry will have her own as well.
And I have said they're fairly mature by now, but not as much as you are. They might not understand truly the meaning of marriage and loneliness. And, as you've mentioned, they are growing up, they at once are moving on in their own lives and also feeling maybe they want to cling on to you.
You know what is best for yourself, and, inshaAllah your sons will also see that as well.
As for finding other ways to relieve boredom, then hobbies, sports, community work, family outings, a business...so many options alhamdulillah.
Brother ardianto, you seem like an extremely caring and thoughtful person ma'sha'Allah, and no doubt your sons will appreciate that.
I think in life a companion is so important if you feel lonely (which is utterly natural) and there is nothing to feel ashamed about. Your sons aren't little boys anymore, they are grown up and mature - I strongly suggest you sit down and discuss it with them at length. Of course, they obviously loved their mother (may Allah swt grant her Jannah) dearly and sometimes it can be hard for them to accept if they feel that you are trying to 'replace' her or 'fill' her space. Tell them you're not, that she will always have her own place, and whoever you may marry will have her own as well.
And I have said they're fairly mature by now, but not as much as you are. They might not understand truly the meaning of marriage and loneliness. And, as you've mentioned, they are growing up, they at once are moving on in their own lives and also feeling maybe they want to cling on to you.
You know what is best for yourself, and, inshaAllah your sons will also see that as well.
As for finding other ways to relieve boredom, then hobbies, sports, community work, family outings, a business...so many options alhamdulillah.
sister herb
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Maybe it would help your younger boy if he could meet her and get to know her - before more serious plans about marriage, like in the neutral area and situation. It´s possible that he will likes her. Remember that reason for his negativity might be that he feel jealous about his father and dislikes the idea that he should share you and your attention with someone else.
ardianto
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The problem is not on how to remarry. But how after remarried. My children will not prevent me to remarry. But after I remarried, if I cannot build a harmonic atmosphere between my children and my new wife, then conflict between them will be happen.
This is what I haven't know and want to learn. How to build a harmonic atmosphere between stepmother and stepchildren?.
Greetings and peace be with you ardianto;
Possibly it is much easier for divorced people to remarry, they have broken all bonds with their ex, and they can move on. You loved your wife right up to the end, and I am sure she is always in your thoughts. If you were to remarry, it might be difficult for you not to keep thinking about your first wife, only you will know when you can move on.
You did everything you could to make your first marriage work through the good times and the bad times, you just need this same commitment with a future wife, if that is the path you choose. Only you can know if you have the energy to start all over again, nothing in life is easy, but I believe all problems can be overcome with loving kindness.
Blessings
Eric
Possibly it is much easier for divorced people to remarry, they have broken all bonds with their ex, and they can move on. You loved your wife right up to the end, and I am sure she is always in your thoughts. If you were to remarry, it might be difficult for you not to keep thinking about your first wife, only you will know when you can move on.
You did everything you could to make your first marriage work through the good times and the bad times, you just need this same commitment with a future wife, if that is the path you choose. Only you can know if you have the energy to start all over again, nothing in life is easy, but I believe all problems can be overcome with loving kindness.
Blessings
Eric
Brother I know family similar of your case (but we are far away from them in different countries) A brother with grown up kids married a Women (infertile) without kids so the relationship among them were the best i 've ever seen for more than 15 years. The family is warm MASHALLAH and one of their children got married . So like Sister Herb suggests you must Put your younger kid with the Lady in an atmosphere where they can become friendly.
First research what does your Younger son likes VERY MUCH so let it start from that. You know you Son's nature so explain to her and similarly let her not leave hanging in the air, the other elder Son thinking he is just calm consequently the elder one may start hating for not taking care of him but only the younger one. :embarrass
ALL DEPENDS ON THE WOMEN HOW PATIENT & STEADFAST SHE IS AND YOU WOULD BE KNOWING ABOUT HERE PARTICULARLY IN THIS AREAS. Allah's Help is most needed to turn the hearts of people, Once we try Allah helps, inshallah.
Oh Allah turner of the hearts!
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ardianto
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Suddenly I realize my foolishness. I will never able to rerun the time and back to be young again. But I am still able to back to be myself like when I was young, when I was known as a boy who love challenge and never give up to reach my dream.
Yeah, if I remarry I should be able to create a harmony between my new wife and my children. Then why don't I see it as challenge?. I know it's not easy, but In Shaa Allah, I will never give up.
Okay, I will start to prepare what I must prepare to build my new life again.
Thank you very much for your advice, everyone.
Yeah, if I remarry I should be able to create a harmony between my new wife and my children. Then why don't I see it as challenge?. I know it's not easy, but In Shaa Allah, I will never give up.
Okay, I will start to prepare what I must prepare to build my new life again.
Thank you very much for your advice, everyone.
Huzaifah ibn Adam
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ما شاء الله