Family dynamics

[glo]

Many of you will know that I am a married woman with two children - a daughter of 15 and a son of 12.

Perhaps this is just us entering those teenage years, but I am finding family life incredibly difficult at the moment - in fact I have done for a while now.

Don't get me wrong, we all love each other and care for each other ... we just don't seem to get on! (If that makes sense ... :?)

My husband has always had a dry and sarcastic sense of humour, but now the children are beginning to be the same - and not in a fun or nice way!
The general tone of conversation in our house seems to be sarcastic and semi-aggressive. There is much bickering and accusations and criticism, and it is getting me down. imsad

Worse still, I have started to sound quite negative and sarcastic myself, and I hate being like that!
It's as if after years of trying to counteract the negativity, trying to intervene and be a go-between, I have run out of steam. I am just tired!
I just don't feel that I can stem the tide single-handedly ...

 

[Al-Zaara]

That's sad to know you're havin' a hard time. There ain't no perfect families, that's true. At least to have love and care for eachother, that's the most important.

If your husband is like that, I believe that's a bit of the problem.
Not like I don't like sarcasm, I love it. Yet I myself am never sarcastic with my parents. My father primarily taught me the "tone" how to talk to them. We're seriously chilled and we talk about basically anything, it's just when getting angry, sarcasm and mocking jokes are seen as worse than accusations or angry screams and door banging. 'Cause then it's like making fun of their intellect and authority. Same goes with my sisters, we can be sarcastic in a fun way! But if I am sarcastic in a not-fun way (when the other part is a 'victim'), they get very angry. I don't blame them, no, so I refrain from doing so. I rather am straight-forward than anything else.

I bet the children have problems of their own, something related to school or self-esteem, daily life is becoming more difficult 'cause pf pickles/weight/clothes/crushes and what not, it's just that age where things in your body and in your environment happens. Sarcasm and being aggressive towards unsuspecting family members is a popular way to handle your inner chaos.

I believe you need both forces in the house to keep things running as smoothly as it can.

It also depends what the accusations and criticism is about. If it's beliefs, then that's a hard one, 'cause they all are allowed to form their own, but for children who don't always think much ahead, can go and be very brutal towards others thoughts. Time will teach them, if the parents keep being by their sides and guiding them.

Maybe you all need more time together? People change and sometimes when you're from the same family, you don't realize the changes before it hits you rock hard and suddenly there's this Chinese wall between the two of you.

I hope I somehow could say something helpful and I pray it goes better for you and your family! May God guide and bless you!

Peace

 

[markislam]

pray that God will give you peace in circumstances like this

 

[zakirs]

One suggestion

before the tensions rise more.Shower everybody with much more love. Love makes a lot of difference .Talk to your children a lot .I like it when my mom or grandma talks to me

 

[Hafswa]

Don't be too hard on yourself.....

It is said that habit is man's second nature...Sounds like your kids have acquired your husband's nature I have nothing against sarcasm as I too tend to be like that especially when distressed....explains why I love watching Dr. House.....

Your husband may not notice what is happening under his nose. Talk to him and see if he realizes that this is affecting you and how the kids interact with each other.

If he agress with you then, agree on some permissible forms of sarcasm that you will tolerate in the house like jokes that do not point directly to the persons nature and the kind that you will not stand like those that are insensitive.

This gives the kids some limits to work within and also room for them to judge for themselves if what you are moulding them into is who they really want to be perceived as .

Hope this helps...

 

[glo]

Thank you all, for your replies. They have been very helpful.

For me sarcasm is always a negative thing. By it's very definition it intends to put the other person down and belittle him/her. It intends to make the speaker look better than the one he speaks about.
In that sense I find sarcasm very prideful, but also divisive and destructive ...
It is not like gentle wit or humour, which one may use to make light of a situation or bring people together.

Anyway, perhaps other people use sarcasm differently, and I have to learn and understand that.

In the meantime I am becoming very aware when I sound sarcastic myself, and I am trying my hardest to avoid it!
I found this Bible verse, which I am clinging onto:

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.

Zakirs, I think you are right about spending much time, talking, showing love ... that's why I have decided to spend less time behind the computer, and more time with my family.

 

[جوري]

ah teens and tweens the little human bugs of the world.. How I universally despise them.. without them the world would be a lovely place for adults and children..
guess like the rest of the parents across the globe, just have to live through it.. they are going through changes and trying to establish their identity.. some they do unconsciously through introjection and the rest is their peers.. inevitably good kids always come around.. I wouldn't be too consumed by it.. my brother's kids are 12 and 10 and they are already like that.. I am always grateful they go home at the end of the day with their parents..

good luck with all of that...

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

cant you do anything as her mother? as somebody in authority over her? she's got no right speaking to you like that. if i say anything like that to my mum, she'll either be really upset, so that's what will make me shut up or she'll be like :raging: which again will make me shut up anyhoo in a hurry, gotta go

 

[Muhaba]

make them sit down at a desk, put paper & pen in front of them & make them write "I will not be sarcastic" like a hundred times. That should fix your problem for a while.

 

[Ramisa]

As a mother you must have some authority over your children. You must first ask your children politely to stop being aggressive and sarcastic over every little thing.if after that they do not listen to your orders than you should get more strict. You should tell your husband to lighten up on the sarcasm as that was probably where they got it from. You yourself should be patient for the results as they have been growing up in an environment for many years and may need time to adjust. Insha'Allah,you will find one day that the sarcasm is gone and your family will be back to normal.

This use to be the environment at my house with my two brothers(one younger and one older) but after a strict enforcement of rules,we changed over time and became better muslims,alhumdulilah. Now I pray this happens the same for you,ameen. May Allah grant you patience through the trail most mothers go through,ameen. All the best.

 

[syilla]

Come on...gloooo. you're the woman of the house. Don't let them bully you

Just put a big signboard or post something on the fridge with font size 60 and say...

Sarcasm is not allowed in this house. If there is...it'll cost everyone of you a dinner!!!!!!!!

don't be sad just because others are making you sad. Tell them nicely and talk to them... if they still don't want to listen to you... Just go on strike. No housework, no dinner, no talking and etc. InshaAllah they'll not do it...out of respect.

 

[Snowflake]

LOL I'm feeling fearful reading this thread. My son is eleven and so far alhumdulillah!

Al-Zaara: Maybe you all need more time together?

I agree. Time communicating and sharing each other in the real sense of the word. A book on parenting wouldn't go amiss. Sometimes small changes make a big difference. I hope you find the right balance Glo. Peace to you hun x.