I have a big issue on my mind. My mother made my brothers and I, the only daughter, that we would not allow my fathers sisters and sister in laws to show up to the family gathering we have after the funeral of the person who has passed, in this case hers.
The reason for this is because for the 48 years my parents were married, 2 of my aunts here in the U.S. as well two of my uncles wives banded together and put my mother through hell until eventually my father disowned one sister (she tried to frame my mother of a terrible lie that would have torn our family apart had we not found out the truth).
After my father did that, the two sisters and two wives of my uncles through various acts, words, etc treated my mother with disrespect. My mother throughout the years always respected them. In public, family gatherings she behaved as a good wife and family member should even though they, the group, would often leave my mother in the corner alone while they whispered and laughed, most likely to make her feel uncomfortable.
It got worse with their children. They trained their children to be rude to us, treat us with disrespect and exclude us the way they did to my mother.
I cant count how many times through my teenage years and early adulthood my cousins made me feel like I didnt want to live astaghfurallah, thankfully I became more pious and was able to overcome those feelings.
I forgot to mention, most of this started when my father became a pious and devoted follower of Islam, while the rest of the family were muslim only by name.
I wish I had the time to write more but i am sure you dont have the time to read it.
How do i keep them away? How best to say it? Is it permissible to exclude them from this? This was her last wish, for them to stay away so we could have the gathering for family members to pay their respects without the backbiting and "freak show" they will surely enact while this is going on.
Even if my mother did want them there, I dont, neither do my brothers, because we know they will only be there for show. "Yea were great sister in laws we respected her were showing up to her funeral etc"
I dont need them there, especially in my families time of grieving.
It breaks my heart in thousands of pieces when i think about how many times through my life i saw my mother crying alone in her room because of the things they would say and do.
Im sure some of you are wondering why they treated her this way. I can only say that it started with the arrival of the two other sister in laws. One of them immediatley showed herself to be a backbiter and took an instant disliking to my mother, who was from a different country than her despite the same ethnic background. Once that sister in law was able to get the other sister in law on her "Team" they all followed.
I swear they remind me of a high school clique.
What do some of you think i should do? Keep quiet and take it the way it is like my mother did for so long for the sake of my father? Or should i keep my word and tell them to stay away.
Asalaaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,
Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions.
A Muslim's character who fears Allah is to have a good relations with his relatives, and should not cut them off even if they treat with him unjustly.
Hence having the good relations is an obligatory act in Islam.
The Prophet mentioned the best reward for the one who practices it. It is narrated in
Sahih Muslim That A man said to Messenger of Allah: "I have relatives with whom I try to keep the ties of relationship but they sever relations with me; and whom I treat kindly but they treat me badly, I am gentle with them but they are rough to me.'' He (Blessing and peace be upon him) replied, "If you are as you say, it is as if you are feeding them hot ashes, and you will be with a supporter against them from Allah as long as you continue to do so" [Muslim].
"Feeding them hot ashes" is a simile to the sin they are committing to the pain the one who gets pain when he eats hot ashes.
Dear Sister do not give any attention for their bad treatment; try your best to be good with your relatives, hoping the good reward from Allah. Your reward is with Allah not your relatives or anyone else.
Maintaining good ties with relatives causes blessings in provision and life as the Prophet said:
"He who desires ample provisions and his life be prolonged, should maintain good ties with his blood relations". [Al-Bukhari and Muslim].
In a Hadith Qudsi Allah says: `He who maintains good ties with you, I maintain good ties with him; and he who severs your ties, I sever ties with him".
If your visit to your relatives can cause something wrong then do not visit them constantly. It is enough to visit them on occasion's such as the festivals, marriages, or visiting them for greeting on happy occasions or to offer condolence on sad times or visiting them once in a month or in two months. So that you would not be considered as the one who cut off his kin relations.
Surely your mother will also be rewarded greatly for her patience. If you continue to show them love, honour and respect then they may see the beauty in Islam and Allah may change the conditions of their hearts but know that Allah is most kind and generous and he only tests those he loves the most and wants the closest to him so if this is a test for you and your family then continue to be patient and Allah is with those who are patient and the reward for patience is JANNAH!
You may know that having kinship is not restricted to visiting relatives only. You may maintain good relations by talking to them over the phone, or by writing them a letter or sending them a telegram, fax etc. or you may send them gifts through friends or other relatives. There are many ways you may try.
Remember you upholding ties of kinship with your relatives is ONLY for the pelasure of Allah so let us please him as best we can and expect great reward from him!
The attribute of patience is a high status with which Allaah blesses whomsoever He wills among His slaves, to make it easy for them to obey His commands and heed His prohibitions. Your attempts to bring people together and to get closer to your relatives is a praiseworthy effort which points to your success and correct thinking. For many people, if they are faced with even a part of what you have suffered, quickly lose patience and respond to cutting off of ties in like manner, because they think that upholding family ties is only obligatory when relatives respond in the same manner. This is a mistaken notion and the fact that it is mistaken is indicated by the hadeeth which was narrated from Abu Hurayrah, which says that a man said,
“O Messenger of Allaah, I have relatives with whom I uphold the ties of kinship but they cut me off; I treat them well but they mistreat me; I am patient with them but they treat me in an ignorant manner.” The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said:
“If it is as you say, then it is as if you are stuffing hot ashes [in their mouths], and you will have with you [an angel] from Allaah to support you against them so long as you continue to be like that.” (Narrated by Muslim, no. 2285).
In this hadeeth, a man came to the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) complaining of his relatives’ bad treatment of him, and in his complaint he mentioned something similar to what you have mentioned: he upheld the ties of kinship but they cut him off, he treated them well but they treated him badly. Yet despite that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) told him that if he was telling the truth, then his situation with them would be like one fills their mouths with ashes, so he is the one who is doing the right thing, and he would continue to have support from Allaah against them.
The general meaning of the hadeeth is to encourage the upholding of family ties even with those who doe not themselves uphold those ties. Praise be to Allaah that this is what you have done and have forced yourself to do. I ask Allaah to help you to do that which is good.
After that there is nothing more that you can do except to follow one good deed with another, one kind action with another. If they mistreat you then do to them the opposite of that which they have done to you.
You should note that when you do that, you are doing it only to earn the pleasure and mercy of Allaah. Do not expect any response to your good deed from them. But try not to tell people what they are doing to you. If you think that one of the causes of this problem is too much contact with them, there is nothing wrong with your reducing your visits with them.
Pray to Allaah to guide them; pray to Him when you are certain of a response, for Allaah is Able to turn their hatred into love and their neglect into close ties.
With regard to your question about du’aa’s that will help you to be patient when faced with difficulties, there are many such du’aa’s, and we will tell you some of them here:
-1-
It was narrated that Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said:
“When faced with difficulties the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) would say: ‘Laa ilaaha ill-Allaah al-‘Azeem al-Haleem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb il-‘Arsh il-‘Azeem, laa ilaaha ill-Allaah Rabb ul-samawaati wa Rabb ul-‘Arsh il-Kareem (There is no god except Allaah, the Almighty, the Forbearing; there is no god except Allaah the Lord of the Mighty Throne; there is no god except Allaah, Lord of the heavens and Lord of the noble Throne).’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 7426).
According to a report narrated by Muslim: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was concerned about an important matter or when he was worried…” (Muslim, 2130).
-2-
It was narrated that Anas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said: “When the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) was distressed by something, he would say, ‘Ya Hayyu, ya Qayyoom, bi rahmatika astagheeth (O Ever-Living, O Eternal One, by Your mercy I seek help).’” (narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 3524)
We also want to tell you of something important which will help you to be more patient and will give you certain faith in Allaah, especially when you are upset and worried. This is something which many people neglect. Do you know what it is?
It is prayer, for prayer has a great effect in bringing peace to the heart and in dispelling worries and distress. It is one of the greatest means of being patient. This is indicated by the Qur’aan and Sunnah.
Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“And seek help in patience and As-Salaah (the prayer) and truly, it is extremely heavy and hard except for Al-Khaashi‘oon [i.e. the true believers in Allaah — those who obey Allaah with full submission, fear much from His punishment, and believe in His Promise (Paradise) and in His Warnings (Hell)]”
[al-Baqarah 2:45]
Prayer is the greatest thing by means of which help may be sought.
And Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Indeed, We know that your breast is straitened at what they say.
So glorify the praises of your Lord and be of those who prostrate themselves (to Him).
And worship your Lord until there comes unto you the certainty (i.e. death)” [al-Hijr 15:97-99]
Imaam Ibn Jareer al-Tabari said in his Tafseer:
“ ‘So glorify the praises of your Lord’: with regard to matters which are worrying you, turn to Allaah and give thank to Allaah and praise Him, and pray, and Allaah will take care of that which is troubling you.
This is similar to the hadeeth narrated from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him): ‘When something troubled him, he would turn to prayer.’” (7/553)
Finally I ask Allaah the Almighty, the Lord of the Mighty Throne, to bless us and you with certain faith, for He is Able to do that.
May Allah bless you and guide all of us so that we may have good relations with our relatives and family and uphold the ties of kinship in order to please Allah.
and Allah knows best.
