Fear of shirk

[Flower1111]

My issue concerns my conscience towards Allah. I feel extreme guilt.

I must tell it all frm beginning

I know a man since many years now i love him and wanted to marry him he is a good person. Somehow many years back before we were married cause we r marriwd since half year now i made istikhara but inside i really wanted to marry him i couldnt imagine leaving him. I did istikhara because i needed tp forget a wrong istikhara i did without thinking.with opening quran randomly and so on and taking first word which came out a bit shocking like rethink or hell. I found its a wrong istikhara and shia do this but i cudn forget it i kept thinking while doing it i didn knw its wrong and Allah gave me right sign towards my niyat. But to keep hope i had to do sunnah way so i could feel better. The thing is that i actually wanted to marry him but some opinions say one must decline his wish which is difficult but some others say ur heart will always want sth. Anyway i used to think Allah giving me signs i shd leave him any small thing i thought i must leave him. I actually dont see the isitkhara as asking for khair but i was seeing it now more as gettin permission from Allah. Cause wen sth negative happend and i thought Thats a sign that Allah tells me to leave i kept fearing and couldnt accept it inside i wanted to continue at the end its decree whatever comes. But my niyat is i feel so bad i actually feel like i went against Allahs permission i didn want to leave him anyway and Allah counts that. After i married everything of these old thoughts came back. I feel i have chosen someone over Allah and the fact which makes me depressed most is that i cant imagine to leave him. That makes me feel so much more hypocrital. I again fell into confusion and fear and was asking Allah to forgive me. again seeing sth like signs which Allah might be sending me.like reading some sentence or hadith by coincidence fittin to my situation like Allah might be telling me leave him. But once that happend i cudn again accept it and think of doing it.Its like i know i wont do it i cant do it as long as i cant i am feeling im accepting that i prefer someone astaghfirullah.bcuz leaving the person is wht i just cant do. this pain i cudnt bear it and i couldnt live without him without Depression and sadness and that i cudnt forget him. How should Allah b pleased with me. Allah has to be enough for us in our lives. I feel so unsincere in all my ibadah because theres this feeling always in the background that i cant do something or cant endure this huge pain for Allah but which i have to, to proof my love.

One day again i said ya Allah wht shd i do tht u forgive me n repeating it again again while walkin. In that moment my husband called n i want to take phone out of my bag n the bag got torn in tht moment. As a sign i shd leave him which means tearing. Thinking Allah is trying to help me n show me but i dont want to follow it anyway thats the thing.even if these signs r wrong i cant follow them anyway thtswhy i feel so hypocrital.if i ask Allah to forgive me i find myself feeling like i say Allah forgive me tht i cant leave smeone for you and prove my love to you.

I always put myself into this situation which i cant bear and i want to feel that i can do it so i would feel not so bad anymore but i get only more anxious and distressed cause it feels so unbearable and impossible.

I know you will say Allah doesnt ask me to do this so why shd i worry and think so much. But im scared im doing shirk in love because i cant imagine to leave this person or living without him its unbearable when i think about it. He is muslim.
Is it normal to feel like this and do all people have such emotions? Or am i doing shirk? Will Allah count all my intentions or feelings?

 

[MuhammadHamza1]

My Dear.
How do you think it is shirk?
All it can be is that You may be disobeying Allah.
Do not Exaggerate matters and do not make them difficult for yourself.
Secondly.
I have to warn you.
I do not approve the way you do Istikhara but still,These are major signs for you.
You need to realize that what may happen may be disastrous if you stick with this man.And that may pay heavily.And at that time,you could only blame yourself for having witnessed such manifest signs,yet still not paying heed by obeying the Devil.
The Devil is your plain enemy.
So will you take him as an ally besides Allah when he is a plain enemy to you?
I have realized this is a matter of Tawakkul and Sacrifice.
Quran says:
"Put your Trust in the everlasting,who will never die."
And it also says that you will not reach true faith untill you sacrifice that which is dear to you.
You love him.So it will be the greatest sacrifice.The reward will be immense.You will be delighted in it.And richness of the soul comes from obeying Allah.
"Verily,in the remembrance of Allah,do hearts find rest."
I promise you.You will have a great reward and delight,contrary to what Iblees makes you believe, in this world and the hereafter if you obey Allah in this matter.
And the devil is a plain enemy to you.
"Verily,the Satan is ever a deserter of man,in times of need."Al-Quran.

 

[MuhammadHamza1]

Ask your husband to let you go to your family for some days.There,relax and consult your dear ones
Consultation in your matter is important.IT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT.
"...And those who conduct their affairs by mutual consultation."

 

[MuhammadHamza1]

If you tell your situation to your dear ones,they will support you.And encourage you.
Having support will make it easier.I promise.