Feeling lost and hopeless

[bassybas]

Salam everyone, there is a problem going on in my life, I am in a deep depressed state and I am very scared and need some help.

I am a 19 year old student. I have finished highschool after grade 12 but I had stayed back for another year because I was unsure of what I wanted to study. For grade 12 and 13 (the optional extra year) I had a certain school set in mind. I had gotten accepted and I was excited and all, except just before that summer began, my father lost his job of 15 years. The situation was out of his control. My family and I were forced to move to another city and I had to change plans for school. Instead of going to university, I had to go to a community college within that city and I hated it. I hated it beyond expression. I was lonely, anxious, scared and lost. I did not feel like I belonged, this wasn't my home, this wasn't in my plans. During that time, a girl I was close with left me and hurt me. I realize it was haram to have something with her front the start, but please excuse that. Her actions definitely played a big role and I was in no mental state to be in school. I would skip it all day and cry.

Just before second semester, I had given up and just resorted to Allah. I prayed every prayer and see what would happen. I'm from a religious family but I sometimes go astray and get lost in the western life. I prayed and made Dua for weeks and my family agreed to let me drop out and go to another university a couple hours away. My Dua was answered. In my mind, I had seen it as an escape from the emotions I was feeling and a new start. This soon became one of the biggest regrets of my life. Here I am now, 3 months into the school, my family moved back home, I had gotten used to the city we originally moved to and I miss it. Wallahi I have never felt lonelier and more scared than this. I am much farther away and I want to go back, I don't care if it's college, I want to go back and start again. I am in a different mindset, with a different perspective and different mentality. I was originally not in the right mental state or position to be studying but now I am different in many ways. I have hinted at it with my family but they get upset and don't understand why. So here I am, hating my life again and feeling like there's no escape from this hopeless pit I dug. I sit alone all the time and cry again. My prayers are often skipped and I am trying to get back onto it. I feel like it's hopeless and I will never go back to the city I want to live in. My reasoning is because I feel very depressed where I am right now and I much more familiar with that city, I also have many friends studying there and I feel more at home. Thank you for reading and I am very sorry for the length.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Brother, my honest advice to you: Toughen up a little and stay put where you are.

Feelings of loneliness are not unusual. Everyone feels that way. Do something to remove your loneliness or keep yourself busy so that you don't have time to think about lonliness. Get involved in a hobby, go to the gym, do some running etc. Keep active.

University will not last forever. You have an opportunity to gain a degree at the present time and you shouldn't throw it away. The grass always feel greener on the other side but there is no guarantee in anything. Just like how you were wishing to be away from home, once you get there if you give up now, you'll end up feeling the same way there looking for another escape.

 

[eesa the kiwi]

brother no matter what happens maintain your salaat.
you dont want to be missing out on all the support and guidance and rahmat Allah will give you inshaallah for praying them.
Remember this life is a test from Allah and on the day of judgement the passing grade wont be wether you had a fancy degree or a flash job or lots of money but whether you believed in Allah and his messenger saw
so keep that goal in mind and do what you can to strengthen your islam
these worldy things we gain in this life are not the end but the means. Use whatever abilities you have (maybe your good at studying deen or writing articles or giving dawah Allahu Alim) to seek al jannah
as for your course (this is just my opinion so feel free to reject it) stick it out until the end of it and do your best to pass it. You'll feel so good if you manage to pull it off.
I pray that Allah will make things easy for you
eesa

 

[greenhill]

This all a test.

What you have described suggests that you are not willing to accept changes readily. That changes from your desired plans upsets you and with that you feel lost when things don't 'seem' to work out. Then you get depressed. And it becomes a vicious cycle on a downward spiral.

In life, there will always be change, not always for the better. Your dad lost his job of 15 years, it was turmoil no doubt, but he had to move on and did.

You too will have to face similar situations in your life ahead. There will be many. This is your training. Learn to adapt to achieve your goals. If not your future will be far worse than this current predicament your are in. Say for example you are transferred to a new place, new environment etc. How would you survive?

Like br. Alpha Dude said, you gotta toughen up.

Also, welcome to the forum... Wishing you a great stay.

eace:

 

[ardianto]

Change can be happen anytime, planned or unplanned.

I know how is life of student who live alone, far from the family, because I studied in another city too after I graduated from highschool. I was not familiar with that city and had no friend when I was coming. But then I tried to get friends, and I also did few things such as traveling in the city by city bus or bicycle, visit some places in the city.

I enjoyed my new life there and decided I would get married and start my career there. But something happened. Sunday afternoon I got a news that my dad brought to hospital. So I back to my origin city after midnight and did not attend in exam on Monday morning and the rest of the week. It made my score blank and its accumulation was not enough to continue my study. I dropped out from that university just after my dad passed away.

Then I back to my origin city and left the city where I began to feel at home, left my dream to get married and start my career there. But I was not depressed because I could accept it as a destiny.

Yeah, young bro, you must always ready for change which planned or unplanned, and you must able to adapt with change. If you have no friend in the city where you are living now, why don't you try to get new friends?. If you feel bored, why don't you do some activities such as visit some places?.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Bassybas,

Mmm, it's exam season coming up…(smile) I have two children in university, and the pressure is pretty intense right now. Lots of assignments due, and exams very soon...

(gently) This may be part of the stress… Perhaps because of your ups and downs, you haven't been doing so well in your classes, and things are coming due.

(pensively) Whether you should continue where you are, or whether you should quit this university and go elsewhere, I don't know. But might I suggest that you put all your questions on hold for the next three weeks, and focus on finishing your classes? If you are really doing badly in a class, you may be able to drop it without penalty (check with your university), and focus on your more promising classes. But I'd suggest you finish what you are currently working on. If nothing else, you may be able to get transfer credits from these classes.

In the longer term, I think you need to look at yourself. (mildly) We all have our particular characters. Some people are very outgoing and relish new challenges, and others are more shy and dislike change. Perhaps you tend more to the latter. If you are someone who needs a lot of stability, then perhaps you need to prioritize what you need the most: your family? Your city of origin? A particular field of studies?

Perhaps you could work on this question over the summer? Go for walks. Spend time with your family. Visit your old city. Take time to think, to breathe. It seems to me that you have been rushing and reacting. So why not try the opposite? Slow down. If you miss a semester, even (unless you are in financial difficulty), that's not a terrible thing. If you are a person who likes stability, chances are that you like to focus on one thing at a time. So why not focus on who you are and what you truly want to do? I'd suggest writing down all the things that bother you in one column, and all the things you'd like in another. And them sort through them and organize them, putting the things that you most like or dislike at the top of each column.

Once you have a clear idea of what you really want to do, or need, then you can focus on how to achieve these things. For each thing you want, try to plan on how you could achieve it. And as you have prioritized what you want, you can know what to focus on the most. And perhaps you can incorporate secondary goals into your main focus.

(smile) Perhaps this sounds a bit theoretical. So I'll give you an example, unrelated to your case, because I think you yourself need to look at your own case.

A young woman wants to have a job that pays well, so she can be financially secure. So she decides to switch out of her field of studies, in order to pursue a more lucrative one, but she enjoys her first field, so she hesitates. She wants to get married and spend time with her husband. She'd like to have children. She feels like she'd like to travel before settling down. She feels a desire to explore her faith. So she is confused. What should she do? Focus on getting married? Take a sabbatical year? Stay in the field of study she likes, but that she doesn't feel will support her? Start her new field of study? Take time to explore her relationship with God?

So say she draws up a list: Most want: Husband, job, faith, travel, old studies.

Most dislike: Being alone, being broke, missing out on life, new studies.

Analyzing what she wrote down, she realizes that having a husband in her life (and not being alone) is what's most important to her. She realizes that the area of study is not very important to her. But that being jobless and broke is very stressful to her.

She toys with the idea of combining working on her faith and travelling to discover herself. She toys with the idea of studying in a field that is connected to her faith, or connected to travel. She thinks about her financial resources. She considers working while travelling. She considers sharing the cost of living with a husband.

She talks to people around her: what do they think about this or that plan? She makes notes. She goes for walks to think. She discusses her feelings with a young man with whom she's contemplating marriage. She gets his input on his priorities. She goes to travel agencies to look at prices. She reads books on travelling and working. She looks into job opportunities in her old field of study, as well as in her new area. She considers her age, and when she would like to start a family.

After much thought, she decides to focus on attaining her most important goal: marriage with the view to a family in a few years. This will cost money. Neither she nor her husband has much. In the new area of study, she can easily get fairly well-paid work as an apprentice. Perhaps she and her soon-to-be husband can even avoid racking up debts during their studies, if they both work. This would allow them to focus on children earlier.

So she decides to get married, go with the new studies, and work while studying. She puts faith as a secondary goal, and indefinitely postpones her plans to travel. (smile) Is this the best choice? Only Allah Knows. But this is where she decides to focus, and it helps her plan out and organize the future.

When we lack direction and feel confused, we feel helpless. When we feel helpless, we tend to feel overwhelmed and depressed. And once we get depressed, the world turns dark, and it's hard to get the energy to sort ourselves out.

(smile) You said you "just resorted to Allah"… think about that a bit. Just? (laugh) This is where you need to start from, I think! Really ONLY Allah can Help you. Perhaps you need to take Allah as your starting point? Throw everything out of your head, and focus on your prayers. Do your fard, and then look at your studies. Can you pass all your classes? If you think there is a high chance of failure, and you have the possibility of dropping the class, drop it. Then focus on your other studies. For the next three weeks or so, do nothing except your basic prayers and your studies. Then take a break. Sleep, eat, pray (adding some extra prayers as you feel works for you) and go and enjoy the sunshine for a couple of weeks. Do nothing else. And then start on what I've suggested above. Think, research, talk… and then, when you're feeling like you are ready, do the istikhara prayer. Maybe you'll feel the need to repeat this prayer a few times. Don't wait for magical dreams to tell you what to do… go with what feels right to you, what feels true. Open your heart to His Signs.

And then chose a direction, focus on how you can make it a reality, and stick to it. Even when the going gets tough, stick to it. Because it's in line with your biggest goals. (smile) And then, maybe later, you can incorporate secondary goals into your master plan. (smile) Life will throw you some curveballs, probably, but if you focus on what your priorities are, you should be able to clear a way through the fogs that Shaitan likes to surround us with. (smile) because beneath your feet, you can feel the Middle Path. The Path that leads to God.

(smile) Anyway, these are my thoughts. I hope that something in what I have written may help you. I pray you will find your way out of this tangled confusion, and find more peace in your life. (sympathetically) It is not easy to be hit with so many changes, especially where you feel betrayed by someone, and alone. (gently) But I'm sure you can find your way. Allah Gives us what we need to sort ourselves out. We just need to take advantage of these subtle Gifts.

May Allah , The Friend, Patron and Helper, Guide you out of this darkness, and into His Light.

 

[SaladinAbdullah]

بِسْمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحْمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِيمِ

In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful

Brother, I was born a Muslim but never practiced Islam as I should have in my very early age.
First time I started doing Salat (praying) was like in my age of 19 or 20.
I felt this comfortable and peaceful feeling in my heart and felt really close to Allah when I was praying.
But yet I did not have a lot of knowledge of Islam (reading the Holy Quran and Hadith) due to the lack of knowledge,
I said to myself ''now I have prayed for some months and its ok if I go out and chase girls and party every week because I'm still young and Allah will forgive me for my stupid behavior and when I'm 50 or 60 years old I can start praying again''.

So when I left Salat and start living like this, it led me only more and more into shaytans (devil) way and it came to
a point that I was so lost in my life and hopeless and afraid that I did not understood the purpose of life any more.
I dont wanna describe how bad it got for me and I dont think you wanna hear that story because you will shed tears, I can
only say that it got so bad that if it wasn't for Allahs mercy on me I would not be here today and typing these words now.
Thanks to the Salat that I did for 10 years ago that gave me that comfortable and peaceful feeling in my heart, this kept me
remembering Allah from time to time. Still I was angry with Allah and said pretty often ''why is Allah doing this to me, when he gave me this kind heart, WHY''. I got more afraid and hopeless when I was following the news pretty often and saw all these wars/bad things goin on all around the world. Then I said to myself ''there has to be a reason why I'm so lost in my life and why all these wars/bad things are goin on all around the world and why its not getting better''. So I asked myself ''when was the only time in your life that you felt some true light and peace in your heart, and I remembered the Salat''.

For a few months ago when I turned 30 I had enough and decided to go back to the Salat.
Now I'm following the Salat and will NEVER leave it again until I die. I'm practising Islam more and more by reading the Holy Quran and Hadiths so I can get more knowledge to fill my heart with a stronger Iman (Faith) and to be a better servant of Allah, Elhamdulilla.
Due to how fallen (I have a lot of debs and have no job) my life has become,
I have gained back the comfortable and peaceful feeling in my heart and are NOT afraid anymore of anything except from Allah.
I have EVERYTHING now that I need in my life and thats Allah, Elhamdulilla.

Brother if you have a good heart then please fill it with a strong Iman by practicing Islam more and don't let go of the Salat,
surely you will see that Allah is everything you need in your life. Remember Allah and remember this from the Holy Quran:

Surah 29 Al-Ankabut

Vers 2. Do people think that they will be left
alone because they say: ''We believe'' and
will not be tested.

Vers 3. And We indeed tested those who were
before them. And Allah will certainly make
it known the truth of those who are true,
and will certainly make it known the falsehood of
those who are liars, although Allah knows all that
before putting them to test.

Also watch this video that I can guarantee you that you will shed tears as I do, because you will know its the true and it will lead you more
to Allahs way: Don't Be Sad Allah Knows on youtube, its 28 minutes long.

May Allah guide us, ma selam

 

[bassybas]

Being tested beyond my limits [long]

Salam brothers and sisters, I am in dire need of guidance and help so please allow me to vent...

I am posting for the second time, the first time I felt I was not descriptive enough and personally, not much has changed so venting again would be beneficial.
I am 19 years old. At the age of 18, my life took a sharp turn, for the first time in my life, my father had lost his job due to something that was out of our hands. My family was forced to move away from our home of 15 years to another city about an hour away or so. I had despised it with every fibre of my being, I missed our hold home, I missed my friends, I hated being alone and most of all, I hated the city. To top it off, my lifetime plans of going to University were gone. Instead, my father requested I go to a college and study Electrical Engineering. I agreed, but that soon became a terrible choice. I hated college more, I hated my life in total, my friends back home were slowly cutting me off and to add insult to injury, this was the first time of my life I had felt genuine, scary anxiety. This was all a huge mess, mentally and emotionally.

So by now, it's September 2014 and I profusely cry myself to sleep every night. I despised school, the city, I have no friends & I hate life at home.
About 2 months of terrible attendance and marks in college, fighting with my family and being sad all the time, I found a way out. I had dropped out of college and went to University. The university was a couple hours away, and I had felt like I made the right choice and everything was going amazingly, and to be honest, it was. My family lived in the new city so I can always go back whenever I wanted, I lived in another city for school, and between them both was our hometown so I was content.
A couple months in, my father loses his job again, without reason. Subhanallah. Eventually he found a decent job about 30 minutes from our old hometown so my family decides to move back home and settle there, which is exciting for me. But after spending so much time in the other city, I began to slowly miss it. I had made some friends and got to know the city better. I decided maybe I can transfer universities next year and get the best of both worlds within those two cities. I suppose I just need a place to be comfortable. By now, it's February or so and slowly, but surely, I can see things going downhill. Allow me to explain...

My family's living standards definitely decreased. My father is strictly worried about my marks and bills, nothing else, which is saddening, my mother is a very negative person which isn't comfortable to live with, although she has always been like that (Arab moms, you know), and to top it off, my brother sits at home jobless all day and smokes marijuana in his car whenever he can. The part that eats me alive the most is that we come from a very religious family and I can't tell my parents about it. He puts on a very good facade around them and it drives me mad. Wallahi I make Dua for him every night and I pray he smartens up but I don't have hope.

It is now April, and I am finishing up exams. University is tougher, I'll admit. Deep down, I have severe regret of leaving college but it was what I wanted at one point. I regret it but I don't have the audacity to tell anyone in my family, they'll get mad at me, so I just bottle it up. The atmosphere and vibe at home is still strictly negative and I am constantly clouded with irrational thoughts and fears from anxiety (different story, I suppose). Wallahi I cry about it atleast twice a day. I pray and pray and make Dua constantly for a relaxing and peaceful approach to school but I can't seem to find the hope. I have a plan but I don't have what it takes to tell anyone. I could take my credits earned from university and go to Software Engineering in college. It'll be shorter, cheaper, and promises a job. But I have a feeling my father will not let me, he doesn't see the past year as a learning curve, he sees it as a chance. Wallahi, and I say this with a full heart, WALLAHI I have learned a lot this year and it has opened my eyes to a plethora of lessons in life. I feel years ahead of my peers but my father will not understand that. Although, I have a bit of hope I have been holding onto lately. In college, I didn't have many friends, although girl caught my eye, and everyone elses and I was struck by her. Due to the exotic, expensive sports car she was driving, her mind-shattering beauty and mystery, I was in awe and had to find out more about her. Subhanallah, she turned out to be Muslim. She is Bosnian. I had slowly talked to her over the course of a few months but I had no hope she would ever like me. I'm not rich like her, nor as insanely attractive. But that was months ago. We had been talking and last week she opened up and confessed her emotions to me, she really likes me. We talked about our future and how we can inshallah build a strong relationship together. She wants me to meet her mother soon :shade:. Ye. She's been helping a lot, not only is she religious and comes from a wealthy family, but she's drop dead gorgeous and likes me for who I am. Hemdulah.

But still, deep down, I have severe sadness and I pray for better days. I don't like my situation in my life right now and things could be infinitely better but I don't have what it takes to tell anyone. I pray and pray and inshallah Allah helps me out again. I admit, this time last year, and all of last year in general, I had been caught up with a mentally unstable girl who was dragging me into very haram situations and my entire year was a mess. No prayer, terrible sins and I felt no guilt. Things are different but I feel lost and slightly hopeless now. I implore you brothers and sisters to help me out and give me some guidance. If I go back to college, I'll be closer to Azra (the girl I met), I'll be in a promising field, in a good city, closer to home and potentially more content with life. If I stay where I am, I wouldn't be doing strongly in school, I would be in the same school as the old girl I was with (which would be a terrible idea), I'm studying Computer Science so I guess it's promising but I don't feel like I learned enough at the rate at which I am comfortable in. I am torn and indecisive. I'm sorry for the long post but I am in dire need of help. Jazakallah all. Please help me out.

Feel free to ask anything.

 

[greenhill]

Not surprising you are confused. You've added a girl into the equation. Not an ordinary girl at that, but a good looking, rich and a muslim. And she's interested in you! So, where's the confusion?

If you are honest with yourself, that's the reason for your unhappiness.

On the other parts, the trials. By your own admission, it has put you years ahead of your peers. You realise many things, improved aspects of your iman etc. (and made the girl miss your absence).

But girl aside, there was a post by Eric somewhere about wanting this but Allah gives that, so you may learn to get it, and wanting something else and again Allah gives something else so that we may earn it kind of thing... something like wanting courage and we are given challenges.. don't know where the post is but very strongly reflects your situation. If I find it I'll...

Do istikarah.

But it seems to me that you have already made up your mind. It's just that you haven't got the courage to take the action and face your parents.

eace:

 

[Snow]

Relax.
You are just 19, life is just getting started.
Life has its ebbs and flows, just try to enjoy the ride and I am sure that in a couple of years you will laugh at reading your post.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Bassybas,


(twinkle) Goodness! I think I might want to trade places with you... a generally supportive family, an amazing potential spouse, youth, open opportunities...


(smile) Things don't seem so bad for you, you know.


I consulted with my own 19 year old Computer Science university student. She tells me that software engineering in college will give you the basics of current computer languages, and yes, you'll probably be employable... for now. But when the languages evolve or change (and they have a nasty habit of doing so), you'll have to go back to the drawing board, so to speak.


In university, software engineers study more of the basics of how computer languages operate. They are groomed more towards managerial positions of responsibility. Because they have the fundamentals, their employability is more long-term.


Computer scientists also learn the fundamentals, but do not have the same responsibilities and parameters inside which they need to operate. They can do the job of software engineers, but they are more geared towards research and breaking new ground. She says that specializing in algorithms would be very helpful if you want to continue in Computer Science. As for employability... mmm... I suspect that depends on how well you do in your courses. If you are a top student, you'll be plucked up like prime fruit. If not-so-good... you'll have a harder time. You might like to look into whether your university has a co-op program; then you can get work experience, a little money, and continue your studies.


(mildly) I can't help noticing that your interest in the young woman seems to be in her car, her wealth and her body. I'm not sure that this is a great foundation for a marriage. I think perhaps that you should be considering whether you are a great match for her. What can you offer her? If you dash together as quickly as possible... well, you might, but at what cost?


You could drop out of your studies, become independent of your family and be with her... and work at McDonalds. Or you could focus on your studies and get the best training and position that you can and have a much steadier and more lucrative job that you can offer her to build a family on.


If the young woman is really serious about you, she will wait for you. She will support you in your studies. You could investigate the possibility of drawing up a nikkah with her, perhaps. You could both also investigate whether you can do studies closer to your family, or perhaps hers. There are universities in most cities. If she really likes you, she will be willing to look into compromises that work for the both of you. And if you really care about her, so will you… If your parents have issues with her ethnicity (a common problem), try to find someone who can mediate for you (an Imam, a relative, someone they respect).


(smile) There will always be problems, Bassybas. Struggling with them is an integral part of life. Of worship. But overall, I think things look pretty promising for you right now. Don't blow the Gifts He has Given you with impatience and longing. Finish your exams, and start slowly planning out your future...(smile) though be prepared for unexpected surprises!


May Allah, the Independent, Help us to have the patience and strength to find our feet.

 

[Moshy]

I believe that lonliness is given by Allah swt to bring a person closer to Him. Lonliness has really strengthened my iman. This is a quranic dua for dunya and here after "rabana atina fid-dunya hasanatan wa fil akhirati hasanatan waqina athaaban-nar " Surah baqra 2:201

Meaning :
"O Lord, grant us good in this world and the hereafter and save us from the chastisement of the fire." Ameen