feeling of committing kufr

[Aishath]

Assalaamu alaykum,

This is probably me over reacting but I can't stop thinking about it. And I keep getting bothered with oaths such as if this turns out to be waswas I'll do this and that and thoughts of sadaqa and stuff I either can't afford or other things I'm not ready to do. I need to get some opinions please.

During a heated argument he said that he was a kaafir. What is the ruling? (article 3) When I was having an argument with one of my relatives, I uttered the words, “I am a kaafir” and I slapped myself on the face. Please note that I regret what happened and I need direction and guidance. What is the religious ruling on this case? Do I have to offer any expiation?.

Praise be to Allaah. Inna Lillaahi wa inna ilayhi raaji’oon (Verily to Allaah we belong and unto Him is our return). We ask Allaah to keep us safe and sound in this world and in the Hereafter, and we ask Him for a good end and to cause us to die in faith. You should realize that you have fallen into the worst and most abhorrent of sins, which is the sin of kufr (disbelief) and apostasy, Allaah forbid. The words which you say that you said are a clear statement of kufr and apostasy. The scholars said: when a person utters the words of kufr, he is judged to be an apostate (if he knew the meaning of the words) and he need not be asked about his intention, as Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

This is really scaring me now I'm sorry to be such a pain and continue posting so often. The above is from islamqa.

Someone texted me last night saying that 'you are gay' for not wanting to do something with that person and I personally didn't find it funny at all and replied back saying so. They didn't apologise or anything. Today whilst i was praying Asr the thought came back to me cz the person later said something like 'you need to chill' and whilst praying I started thinking about this which I wish I hadn't. I started thinking what if someone says you are a kaafir to me, would I just simply take it and that I did the right thing for standing up to myself.

I don't really know what happened but somehow in the process I THINK I ended up thinking I am a kaafir myself which I obviously do not believe in at all. Please note that this also happened whilst praying, all during my Asr prayers so I didn't say anything out loud. It was something I think I thought on purpose but I can't remember in what context. I mean I don't know if my mind wandering elsewhere whilst praying in itself is a big waswas or that was my fault or what. It does happen quite often and often I have to bring myself back to focus on prayers.

It worries me a lot because the above quote states that if someone utters such words, then they need not be asked about their intention. It worries me that I thought this thought on purpose. I mean surely in the case above, the man said it on purpose but without meaning the words? Isn't that the same case with me where I've thought something on purpose without meaning it? I don't know how the stream of thoughts came about. I hated it as soon as I thought it and I hated myself for leading my thoughts there. I told myself surely it is just waswas if I didn't say it out loud and it was a thought but it keeps haunting me that I did this on purpose and that I am outside the pale of Islam (just like in the case above). And plus I am fasting and I worry that my fast is broken because of what I thought (I am continuing on with my fasting since I have a feeling I am just overreacting a lot to waswas but the over reaction is genuinely bothering me though). I feel like I need to make a ghusl and that I am no longer counted as a muslim. I can't remember how the thought came to me. I think I just had a thought that I was saying it to someone or something maybe :S

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
dont waste water. the more you feed the devil, the more he will gain power over you.

may allah grant you patience and lift this hardship from you.

and about that person texting you, dont be in company of such people.

 

[Aishath]

Thanks sister.

I got such waswas again today where I keep getting doubts about my faith. I am getting better at ignoring thoughts and saying no this is waswas. But today it left me with such huge doubts about everything. I was reciting Quran and at first I was ignoring thoughts like 'is this the right path for you? Is this the right dheen?' because I knew it was waswas. However, after a few minutes of this it left me with a lot of doubts myself. I do worry that I might have even for a few seconds disbelieved because I was thinking whether there was any possibility that these thoughts were true. However, I then reminded myself of the very book I was holding in my hands - the Quran. The many evidences in it and the fact that no one in the world has ever been able to even write a single ayyat that came close to the Quran and reassured myself that it was just random thoughts and that this was the right (and only) religion.

I am such a worrywart all the time cz now I keep worrying whether the whole 'disbelieving after believing' thing applies to this case. It's not THAT easy to commit kufr is it? Not without the full intention in your heart to do so? That was certainly not the intention in my heart cz all I wanted to do was reassure myself and get back to reciting.

Thanks sister