Feeling too ugly to be a good Muslim

[Fainoz]

I know the title is ridiculous but please let me start from the beginning

I have incredibly low self esteem and self worth and I've gotten worse. My salat has been affected and I find my self turning away from Allah.

Whenever I pray I feel so ugly, and self conscious. I don't think anyone will ever understand what I'm going through because it's so peculiar sounding I know.

i get these extreme waswas thoughts of kufr and arrogance. I feel uncomfortable prostrating before Allah. And I get these very angry thoughts I'm angry at everyone, I randomly curse under my breath, and I've done other things I regret.

the remembrance of Allah is supposed to bring our hearts to rest but for me, it only causes me distress as my heart is constantly battling between iman and ----


I don't know what's wrong with me.


I know we shouldn't talk about these things, but I need to say it out loud. I've been praying to Allah to remove these feelings from me so I can worship him in peace but my duas are never answered. I don't want to despair but I feel like maybe the reason why Allah does not answer my prayers is because of my sins, and I have this spiritual disease that I'm prewrittrn to have. And I'm destined for the ---

sometimes i I think to myself that I don't want jannah, I just want to disappear. But if I went to jannah, I woilndnt have the diseased mindset I have now.

i feel insane.

 

[Iceee]

Salaam Sister,

I have incredibly low self esteem and self worth and I've gotten worse. My salat has been affected and I find my self turning away from Allah.

Whenever I pray I feel so ugly, and self conscious. I don't think anyone will ever understand what I'm going through because it's so peculiar sounding I know.

It wasn't a long time ago that I was a teenager. I felt THE EXACT same way you're feeling at this very moment. I almost turned my back on Islam, sure I fasted every Ramadan and attended Friday Jumah prayers. But other than that, I basically wasn't feeling Muslim or the need to pray. Nobody loved me, only my parents probably. That was my thought. Nobody cared for me. Even last year, I felt angry for living and wasting people's time on me. College happened. My time was spent studying, attending classes, and going to work after. I had to free time.

So what did I do? I went out of the social norm. Instead of working during the Summer like many others, I quit my job and took the Summer off. I helped my Mom with shopping, I learned how to swim, I began to walk to the mosque for namaaz for exercise. And I cleaned my room for about the first time all by myself. All of these things takes your mind away from the ill feelings inside your body and suicide.

Pray at the mosque where it is only you and Allah. Pray near your gender and maybe start small conversation and make friends with the muslims in your area. Tell yourself that Allah created you, and nobody can decide whether or not you're cute or ugly. Allah KNOWS you're beautiful.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

A lot of people ask this question at one point in their lifetime. There's nothing wrong with you, but you may need help. Have you tried talking to your parents? Seeking a psychiatrist? Attending daily prayers at the mosque and befriending the Muslims there of your gender?

sometimes i I think to myself that I don't want jannah, I just want to disappear. But if I went to jannah, I woilndnt have the diseased mindset I have now.

Again, I had this mindset. Hearing on the news that this person died in a car accident, fatal shooting, plane crash etc. I wished that maybe I was that person that was dead. But I wasn't. I am alive, so there must be a reason why we are still living. We have more time to gain our Iman and keep our faith up. We have time to pray 5 times a day, do daily fasts, complete the Quran in 29/30 days. We have time to attend Tawawee. We are alive today, it must be for a reason right? Allah knows all and sees all, I believe that if you recognize this, you will recover from these suicidal thoughts.

Have you thought about marriage soon? (If you are of age) I know of many people who have gotten married to a pious person and all of these nasty thoughts were destroyed, and replaced by providing for their children, cooking food, and spending time with your spouse who will love you forever until death. Tell yourself you're cute, wonderful, amazing etc. Know that if you believe in Allah enough, Satan can never harm you.

 

[Woodrow]

I must take issue and correct you. there is no such thing as an ugly Muslimah.


While it is true many do feel as if they are ugly at times, they are not. Think more on the Beauty of your Salat and do not worry too much about the limits of this Dunya we all pass through.

 

[greenhill]

Salaams nevermind

Nobody could know exactly what you are going through but believe me in that it is human to do so.

I notice a few words you said, ugly, sely conscious, low self esteem but at the same time there's anger, waswas and arrogance. Arrogance and low self esteem? Does not quite mix but it does send a signal out to say that you are going through some confusing times.

I have noticed that when I do have this happen to me and I use prayers to guide me, I often place some expectations to getting my prayers answered like a letter from God through the post or a very clear dream telling me to do whatever or a very clear sign etc, but it does not happen and I get frustrated and angry. If I allow this to go on then I will only reinforce in my mind that Allah has foresaken me and only Allah knows where thatmight lead me.

I can only do what I can within the spirit of living a civilised life and do, regardless of outcome, what is required by His commandments, the rest (more specifically the outcome of my actions) I have to submit to the will of Allah. I have no power to affect the outcome only to accept.

Imagine living in Gaza right now where we are almost a non entity, reqdy to be bombed, how much we are lucky to be living where ever we are now. Our life is good. Remember it always.

Peace to you

eace:

 

[AsheSkyler]

When your self esteem gets too low, any hint of good self esteem feels like arrogance. Being realistic about what you are and are not good at can be very difficult. Sometimes when we have new members to my baking group, they get very frustrated because they are not as good as they want to be. They put too much salt in their cookies, their soups boil over or are too thick, and they get so discouraged about how bad they are and become too hard on themselves. Sometimes our old pros hit a rut and have a bad cooking week and then feel the same way! So we are patient with them, provide honest feedback on their dishes, and gently encourage them until they're back on their feet. (Or judge them harshly, some people enjoy that and get back on their feet quicker.) Whether you're having long term or short term trouble, it wouldn't hurt to have help with this stress and anxiety regarding your spiritual life. For something this personal, I recommend your mother, a grandmother, or auntie, and probably your Imam. Perhaps you are simply too focused on yourself right now? (I promise I don't mean this in a cruel way.) Helping others would divert your attention and also provide a good service for those you know. Help someone elderly cook or clean their home or do their laundry for them, or do the same with a friend or relative. Perhaps a family needs a babysitter or a child could benefit having a tutor in an area you're knowledgeable in? A lot of people like to knit warm blankets to donate to the elderly and for infants. Maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen to provide a meal for the homeless?

We all go through ebbs and flows of our prayers being answered, and it is especially uncomfortable when this happens at the same time we're feeling down. Accepting this can be one of the greatest trials of faith. Please be patient and continue to be diligent. Your prayers will be answered again someday. It always feels much longer than it actually is! The simple phrase "don't worry, be happy" has gotten me through a lot of voids because it reminds me that in the long run everything will be okay. It allows me to relax and not stress about it so much.

I personally feel uncomfortable bending or anything around other people too. I always kneel to the side or in the back of a place so the thought of my rear being observed won't be a distraction for me. And if I drop something at the market, I crouch down very low with my back to a wall so nobody ever has an opportunity to look at it. Not that anybody ever really cares about ogling another's backside, but it makes me feel better. Sometimes a simple problem just needs a simple fix.


Whatever puts you back on the path to happiness, I hope it comes soon and lets you have some relief.