Forced to keep a secret

[anonymous]

There's a burden I am carrying in my heart, that leaves me so sad. I have a big sister who's in her late 20's. She has two children, but is divorced. I have always looked up to my sister. She was always the one to help us stay on the straight path. She's the eldest sibling of ours. I have always admired my sisters faith, her knowledge, wisdom regarding life, and about anything. Whenever we needed advice she was always there to give it. Awhile back she called us at home, she told my mom that she was going to get married, and that she was going to become a co-wife. She begged my mom not to tell my Dad, as she thought Islamically she doesnt really need his permission, and because of his whereabouts it's hard for my dadt to meet him anytime soon anyway. My mom didn't like it, she asked her not to rush into anything, in that same phone conversation, my sis revealed to my mom that she's actually already married and that she wanted to hide it first but she couldnt anymore. She asked my mom not to say anything to my dad.

My sister lives in another city far from us so my dad can't really know. So we are all in shock, I wasn't suppose to know, I over heard it while my mom was talking loudly. I am the youngest, in my teens, so everyone thought to keep it hidden from me as I am close to my big sis, and they didnt want me to get hurt. I was in shock, not only did my sis marry but she also married a man whos already married!! I consider that cheating! I know polygamy is acceptable in Islam, but it all seemed so dodgy to me, and completely out of character. Something I never thought my sis would do! After awhile I have finally come to terms that my sister is now a co-wife, and that her husband has children with his other wife. A couple of weeks ago I went to my sister for vacation to see my nieces/nephews (her kids). I stayed there for 2 weeks.

In those two weeks, my sister revealed a shocking a secret to me. That she's not married to the man whom we thought she married, that she committed zina wit him. When I asked my sister WHY...she simply said "Love"..I was like..waaat? Love?? If he loved you why didnt he marry you? He wanted to she said, but later he changed his mind. In shock I said...so...WHy didnt u leave him then, when u realised he wasnt going to marry you? She said: I loved him too much to let him go.....as she spoke of him, I couldnt get it..one minute she was calling him names, next he was her life. Before I could make any decisions she said : I will not forgive you in this life or the next if you tell a word about this to the family. I promised her I wouldnt say a word. Now...I am so angry. The guy is the biggest loser in this planet, I hate him, he disgusts me. Even her kids secretly told me how they can't stand him either, how he yells at them.

I hate him so much. He ruined my righteous sisters life, he messed up with her head. When my sister talks she sounds almost like he set a curse on her. I have also learned during my stay that my sister is terrified of this scum. He has her tied around his nasty finger!

I am now back home, I have no problem keeping a secret.buttt..My sister is not happy. This man is a cheater...he cheated on his wife and kids.

How can I get this man out of my sister's life? Reasoning with my sister, tlaking sense into her ..I failed. I can't stand this...I cannot tell my brothers/Dad even who are suppose to be the protectors of my sister.

Everyone is so angry, that "her husband" didnt come to visit us and introduce himself...!

I hate it..I hate keeping this secret..I hate seeing my sisters life so messed up.imsad

How long Can I keep this hidden? I am losing my sister! I don't even recognise her anymore.

 

[alcurad]

she obviously can't deal with it on her own, but don't rush it, you don't want to ruin her life/reputation for a mistake.
anyhow, this is not going to end prettily either way you look at it, since she is not married to him there is not much that could be done from most fronts, even if your parents,brother get involved.
it really depends on the country she is living in, at the moment I can't think of anything except getting help form a social network or friends, or relatives who care enough but whose involvement does not complicate matters.

 

[Muhammad]

I am really sorry to hear about this. You spoke very highly of your sister Masha'Allaah - maintain ties with her and do not stop loving her. There may be more to the story that you do not know, or things that you might not understand. Be willing to overlook mistakes, and be there to support your sister.

As for what you can do - the first thing is to make du'aa. Ask Allaah (swt) to forgive your sister for her sins and to guide her, to help her to live a righteous life, and to protect her from whatever harm this man may be causing her and all evil in general. Advise her to also make du'aa and repent and come closer to Allaah (swt). She helped you and advised you in the past - now it is your turn to remind her and help her return to the straight path.

It's difficult to know what to say and who to speak to... perhaps there is a way to voice your concerns of her unhappiness without exposing her secret, to try and get someone else involved - someone who can speak to her and advise her?

Do not give up with trying to talk to your sister. Use your good relationship with her to persuade her to do the right thing. Tell her your concerns and ask her whether there is something stopping her from leaving him.

These are just some thoughts. You are in a better position to decide what to do. The best thing that I can advise is to make lots of du'aa. May Allaah (swt) make things easy for you and guide your sister, forgive her, protect her and rectify her affairs, Aameen.

 

[nms]

Pray for your sister that Allah guides her the right way, to wake her up. talk to her tell her how you feel about it all. tell her you care so much and that all this is wrong, tell her you look up to her and this is not right. tell her to pray and to ask Allah to help her to the right way. Talk to your family about it without somehow telling them. I hope you understand me, I feel bad. i hope what i said helps you.

 

[coddles76]

Well its no longer a secret now is it. cause you've told everybody here on LI so the secret is no longer a secret!
I guess you want the best for your sister but she herself has commited a extremely harmful sin which I guess is what she should be concentrating on the most to try and rid herself of, if she can. Its a pretty hard situation and not an easy one that many here could probably answer.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

wa alaykum us-Salaam
ouch! imsad

How long Can I keep this hidden? I am losing my sister! I don't even recognise her anymore.

i pretty much agree with what everyone else has said...don't leave her... encourage her to repent and change her ways...thats the most important thing...use your good relationship with her to help her. remind her what she done was wrong. however, dont be too supportive... in other words, be stern sometimes so that she knows her sin and inshallah will be encouraged to change, get me?

i swear if i was in your shoes, i wudda killed them both...not literally, but done something violent and apprehensive none the less :exhausted :-[

on the side:

was in shock, not only did my sis marry but she also married a man whos already married!! I consider that cheating! I know polygamy is acceptable in Islam, but it all seemed so dodgy to me, and completely out of character.

polygamy, isnt cheating and out of character, if the dude spends his time with another in the haram (i.e outta wedlock), then yh that's cheating and outta character...its not dodgy either, just certain idiot men these days just give it a bad name

 

[sshussain]

There's a burden I am carrying in my heart, that leaves me so sad. I have a big sister who's in her late 20's. She has two children, but is divorced. I have always looked up to my sister. She was always the one to help us stay on the straight path. She's the eldest sibling of ours. I have always admired my sisters faith, her knowledge, wisdom regarding life, and about anything. Whenever we needed advice she was always there to give it. Awhile back she called us at home, she told my mom that she was going to get married, and that she was going to become a co-wife. She begged my mom not to tell my Dad, as she thought Islamically she doesnt really need his permission, and because of his whereabouts it's hard for my dadt to meet him anytime soon anyway. My mom didn't like it, she asked her not to rush into anything, in that same phone conversation, my sis revealed to my mom that she's actually already married and that she wanted to hide it first but she couldnt anymore. She asked my mom not to say anything to my dad.

My sister lives in another city far from us so my dad can't really know. So we are all in shock, I wasn't suppose to know, I over heard it while my mom was talking loudly. I am the youngest, in my teens, so everyone thought to keep it hidden from me as I am close to my big sis, and they didnt want me to get hurt. I was in shock, not only did my sis marry but she also married a man whos already married!! I consider that cheating! I know polygamy is acceptable in Islam, but it all seemed so dodgy to me, and completely out of character. Something I never thought my sis would do! After awhile I have finally come to terms that my sister is now a co-wife, and that her husband has children with his other wife. A couple of weeks ago I went to my sister for vacation to see my nieces/nephews (her kids). I stayed there for 2 weeks.

In those two weeks, my sister revealed a shocking a secret to me. That she's not married to the man whom we thought she married, that she committed zina wit him. When I asked my sister WHY...she simply said "Love"..I was like..waaat? Love?? If he loved you why didnt he marry you? He wanted to she said, but later he changed his mind. In shock I said...so...WHy didnt u leave him then, when u realised he wasnt going to marry you? She said: I loved him too much to let him go.....as she spoke of him, I couldnt get it..one minute she was calling him names, next he was her life. Before I could make any decisions she said : I will not forgive you in this life or the next if you tell a word about this to the family. I promised her I wouldnt say a word. Now...I am so angry. The guy is the biggest loser in this planet, I hate him, he disgusts me. Even her kids secretly told me how they can't stand him either, how he yells at them.

I hate him so much. He ruined my righteous sisters life, he messed up with her head. When my sister talks she sounds almost like he set a curse on her. I have also learned during my stay that my sister is terrified of this scum. He has her tied around his nasty finger!

I am now back home, I have no problem keeping a secret.buttt..My sister is not happy. This man is a cheater...he cheated on his wife and kids.

How can I get this man out of my sister's life? Reasoning with my sister, tlaking sense into her ..I failed. I can't stand this...I cannot tell my brothers/Dad even who are suppose to be the protectors of my sister.

Everyone is so angry, that "her husband" didnt come to visit us and introduce himself...!

I hate it..I hate keeping this secret..I hate seeing my sisters life so messed up.imsad

How long Can I keep this hidden? I am losing my sister! I don't even recognise her anymore.

As Salaam Alikum Sis,
Sorry to hear that.
The best advice for your sister is that she should move back to her parents. This should help her in getting along with her life.
:inshallah every thing will be fine.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

assalamu alaikum

consult an imam about this extremely dodgy situation inshAllah.


i had 20 different thoughts about it, but none are fit to share

 

[anonymous]

She should be punished for committing Zina! Theres no excuse for it. This is exactly why I refuse marriage. Muslim women do commit zina. I suppose it is both in this case.

You should get your mother involved in this matter. The brother and dad could get violent. She shouldn't even be there, she is committing more sins and then zina. Asterfughallah! You need to get your mother and someone else who is rational to get her out of it. She is a mother, who committed a heinous sin, and needs to seriously repent and get out of it.

You can't keep this a secret because wouldn't you be sinning too knowningly?

 

[Al-Zaara]

She should be punished for committing Zina! Theres no excuse for it. This is exactly why I refuse marriage. Muslim women do commit zina. I suppose it is both in this case.

You suppose? Two sexual beings are needed to commit zina and the man is just as guilty.


Honestly, some secrets are worth keeping... And some not. This is not one of them. You tell her what he has done to her, how she has changed, how her kids don't like him and how the secret isn't going to hold on much longer. How she is further hurting herself, and an unknown woman. How unworthy he is of her, wanting to use her but not respecting her by marrying her. Tell her you can live with the fact she might never forgive you for this, but you'd dearly pay that price to keep her away from Hell, that's how much you love her.

Make her come back home and leave the guy, talk to preferably your mother or a friend of hers you might know well, or someone reliable, that can help persuade her to get out of this mess. Also, if possible, have an reliable and trustworthy Imam with you to further make her see she's not doing the right thing.

 

[ahmed_indian]

so sad...u said ur sister is religious and she's into all this.

i think love of that guy has weakened her faith. may Allah protect us.

advise her in a nice way...that Allah is our Lord
this life is just for few yrs....may 40-50.
jannah is beautiful and forever and fire is truly painful.