Friends

[kwolney01]

As Salaamu Alakium!

I wanted to get some advice from you all. It would be great to hear from other converts that have gone through the same thing.

I converted about a year ago and Alhamdulliah it has been the best thing I've ever done. My life is so much better and I feel closer to Allah then I've ever been before. But I'm having trouble with friends that I have.... well one in particular.

Me and this girl have been friends for about four years now and she's not Muslim. She's Catholic (not religious at all, whenever I bring up religion she changes the subject) and has known me of course before my conversion. She's noticed a HUGE change in me. I've recently started wearing the hijab and even more now I feel like I need to be a better Muslim. I want to be around Muslims and have friends that will benefit me. This friend is now almost completely opposite of me due to the major changes I've made in my life. We became friends in high school and we drank alcohol, smoked, and skipped school together. Once I found Islam and realized it was the truth I competely stopped all of those things.

Meanwhile, she still continues to do them. I feel bad when I hang out with her because she's smoking and cussing; I'm not and I'm clearly wearing a hijab so people know I'm Muslim. I don't want to set a bad image for Islam and I do not want to be around those type of people. I do find myself slipping up when I'm around her in terms of cussing and not being the type of person I want to be. I have tried to distance myself from her but it's been difficult to completely end the friendship. I don't want to end it in a bad way where we will both have hatred towards one another. I just want to rid myself of the people who are not good for me.

I do have a couple of friends who are Muslim but they do not practice and I have pretty much distanced myself from them as well due to that fact.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can end the friendship? Sorry for the long thread this has just been a reoccurring thought in my head for awhile now. I would greatly appreciate your help.

Jazak Allah Khair

 

[Cabdullahi]

just say the truth

''staying with you is bad for me although i love you ,i feel that i might fall for the traps it took me 20 plus years to understand its uselessness , please do not get offended as a caring friend you'll obviously be concerned about me and my well being and so do i but staying with you whilst you do forbidden things which im trying to abstain from infront of me just makes it that bit harder
thank you ever so much for listening i had to get it of my chest''

if you cant do the above MOVE out of the country sister ! im just playing perhaps find a city densely populated with muslims

 

[Hayaa]

sis..


Good advice bro Abdullahii! Also, try and keep the following hadith in mind, it has a nice lesson about choosing and hanging out with certain types of friends.

On the authority of Abu Musa al-Ash'ari (رضي الله عنه ), the Prophet (صلي الله عليه و سلم ) said:

A good friend and a bad friend are like a perfume-seller and a blacksmith: The perfume-seller might give you some perfume as a gift, or you might buy some from him, or at least you might smell its fragrance. As for the blacksmith, he might singe your clothes, and at the very least you will breathe in the fumes of the furnace.


[sahih al-Bukhari, vol 3, #314 and Muslim]

May Allah swt bless you with many good friendships, ameen

 

[جوري]

I have grown apart from a childhood friend I had known her, since I was ten, she even vacationed with me in my home country... during her our teenage years, she changed so much.. she is Russian and her biological father was Muslim, so my dad felt it important that I engage her in Islamic things, so he used to encourage us to do speeches for this Islamic center, which of course he had done most of the work for, but they used to give us prizes, which was good for a while.. then she got into strange things, and got to the point where she'd ask me to write something, so she could reap some financial benefit from it. It was so disgusting.. everything about her at that stage appalled me ... she did really strange things, witchcraft and same sex relations and many many bad things which I thought was just a phase, but at some point she had an abortion and it made me really sad, I can't describe why. I know people who struggle to have a child and she just crushed one to death but it is the same sad feeling I get when I see dead people on display in the body world, like they are some posed garbage and not human beings deserving of God given dignity...

anyhow needless to say, I went through a few dark years, and decided to go to grad school and change my life, so that is what I did, and changed my number and all.. I never had closure with her, but always felt, that if ever I ran to her and had to explain myself.. not that I need to explain myself.. but I'd just tell her. "I was so incredibly unhappy around you, I wasn't being myself and you did many things which hurt me or made me frankly uncomfortable, and I just felt we'd grown apart'', there is no one to fault for growing apart, you are just into different things...

It would be unfair to change people to suit you, so you must go your separate ways .. go into the path where Allah swt accompanies you.. the straight path insha'Allah..

:wub:

 

[cat eyes]

You are a revert i would avoid hanging around with her she sounds like a junky keep away from junkies.. when they drink they are not in there own senses and when you do dawah to them they forget everything because they are always half intoxicated anyway well where i live anyway, in my previous job i did dawah to a guy.

he told me he will come and talk with me again so i could tell him new things about islam so the next morning he came in after a whole night of drinking he had completely forgotton what we had talked about and he had asked me the same questions. it was like talking with a completely different person, or as if they were stone deaf and dead. like whats the point they are going 2go out every night of the week. until they will finish there junkie lifestyle inshallaah they will grow up and get out of this fantasy world all you can to is pray for them but just don't make them your friends. she would love nothing more then to see you become like her.

 

[//-Asif-\\]

^^^ Sister Gossamer said it best. You both have grown apart and it's obvious in how you've changed immensely while your friend's attitude, conduct and aspirations have remained the same. I'm pretty sure that your friend is aware of this disconnect but just needs to actually hear it from you or needs it properly addressed by you for it to sink in and for her to truly understand where you're coming coming instead of pretending that while you've changed your faith, everything else is still cool between the two of you. Only way you can do that is to be upfront with her. "I like you and all but we've grown apart. We're just way too different now..." something to that affect.

Sometimes friends drift apart without closure which was previously said. However, when there is still regular contact, it is definitely much more difficult. And there's only a few possible ways that she would react: mutual understanding, apathy or resentment. The latter two would only happen if her mindset is of the type that is superficial or one that is just ignorant to other ways of thinking and behaving, which is probably due to neglecting to truly discuss real issues with you. She may adopt the point of view that you're a friend she can easily replace or blame your change of faith to Islam as the breaker of the relationship. Again, this would be due to ignorance. A true caring friend would actually understand your concerns and either be a bit more open and accommodating or agree that it is probably time to go your separate ways.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Know that not everyone is suitable to be your friend...

1 - Allah Said:

{"Ah! Woe to me! If only I had never taken so-and-so as a friend! He indeed led me astray from the Reminder after it had come to me!"}

[al-Furqan; 28-29]


2 - The Messenger of Allah said:

"A person is upon the way of his friend. So, let one of you look to whom he keeps as a friend."

['Sahih al-Jami'' (3545) and 'as-Silsilah as-Sahihah' (927)]


3 - 'Abdullah bin Ahmad bin Hambal said:

"My father went out to Tarsus on foot, and he perfored two or three Hajjs on foot, and he was the most patient of people upon being alone."

['Tarjamat al-Imam Ahmad'; p. 18]


4 - Ibn al-Qayyim said:

"Know that the greatest of losses is for you to be preoccupied with one who will bring you nothing but a loss in your time with Allah - the Mighty and Majestic - and being cut off from Him, a wasting your time with the person, a weakening of your energy, and the dispersing of your resolve. So, if you are tested with this - and you must be tested with this - deal with him according to how Allah would wish, and be patient with him as much as possible. Get closer to Allah and His Pleasure by way of this person, and make your getting together with him something to benefit from, not something to incur a loss from. Be with him as if you are a man who is on a road who was stopped by another man, who then asks you to take him on your journey. Make sure that you are the one who gives him a ride, and that he is not the one giving you the ride. If he refuses, and there is nothing to gain from travelling with him, do not stop for him, bid him farewell, and do not even turn back to look at him, as he is a highway robber, regardless of who he really is.

So, save your heart, be wary of how you spend your days and nights, and do not let the Sun set before you arrive at your destination."

['al-Wabil as-Sayyib'; p. 45]


5 - Ibn Jama'ah said:

"So, it is upon the student of knowledge to abandon socialization, as abandoning it is from the most important things that the student of knowledge must do - let alone with members of the opposite gender - especially with those who spend most of their time in play, and spend little of their time in thought, as the nature of individuals can rob you.

The harms of socialization include the passing of life without any benefit, as well as the decline of wealth and religious practice, if this socialization were to occur with the wrong people.

The student of knowledge should not mix except with either those who he can benefit, or can benefit from. And if he is offered the friendship of one who will waste his time with him, will not benefit him, will not benefit from him, and will not assist him in reaching his objective, he should politely end the relationship from the start before it progresses to something deeper, as when something becomes established, it becomes more difficult to change it. There is a phrase that is constantly on the tongues of the Fuqaha': 'Repelling something is easier than removing it.'

So, if he requires someone to befriend, let that person be righteous, religious, pious, wary, intelligent, full of benefit, having little evil, good at complying, rarely conflicting, reminding him if he forgets, cooperating with him when he is reminded, helpful if he is in need, and comforting if he is in distress."

['Tadhkirat as-Sami' wal-Mutakallim'; p. 83]


6 - Ibn Qudamah al-Maqdisi said:

"Know that not everyone is suitable to be your friend. You must verify that this potential friend has the neccessary characteristics that make friendship with him something to be desired. The one you seek to befriend must have five characteristics:

• He must be intelligent, as there is no good in befriending an idiot, as he will only harm you when he wants to benefit you. By intelligent, we mean one who understands things as they are, either on his own, or if they are explained to him;

• He must have good manners, and this is a must. One who is simply intelligent might be overcome by anger or desire, and obey his desire. Thus, there would be no benefit in befriending him;

• He must not be a fasiq, as such a person would not fear Allah, and whoever does not fear Allah cannot be trusted;

• He must not be an innovator, as his abundance of innovation is feared from befriending him;

• He should not be eager for the dunya."

['Mukhtasar Minhaj al-Qasidin'; p. 126-132]​

 

[cat eyes]

i had one friend though and i miss her like crazy sometimes
She was the only one that could make me laugh. we would play a game called germen lessons and i would make up silly germen words to tease her and i would come out with really funny words that sounded german and there would be tears in her eyes laughing.

awwww good old times, working part time and studying together, she would copy my work and i would copy hers haha and when we got in trouble at work we always got in trouble together for messing, but she loved the party life to much. she always said live your life and enjoy that was her motto.

recently i had a dream about another friend also who i havent seen in a long time and something happened to her and i woke up screaming crying it was so weird i felt like going to vist her but i havent seen her in years now since teen years. i know its hard to leave a friendship of this long but at the same time you have to fear Allah

 

[kwolney01]

Thanks for all of your advice! I really appreciate it and I guess I need to let her know straight up how I feel.

I guess I'm just afraid of how she'll react and what may come from it. I really do not want any hostility between us. I know I'll need to choose my words wisely and make sure I do not say something that will hurt her or cause her to become angry with me.

Again, thanks for all of the advice. Jazak Allah Khair

 

[syriana]

yup you need to tell her .. you are changing your way of life, and if she can't respect that and be different around you then you guys should not hang out. On another note, friends could make or break you, because there comes a point in every teen's life where they are influenced more by their friends. So, be careful of who you befriend.