Frustrations in getting married

[kingkong]

Not necessarily..every single single-guy I know, religious or otherwise, if he's invited to a wedding keeps an eye out just in case he finds a girl he likes, even if the set up at the wedding is for the most part separate. It's a good place to find one. How is that wrong? It's simply an avenue for him to find a wife. If a person is seriously looking to get married, he's allowed to look as per the hadeeth of Jaabir (ra) anyway.

I'd agree that it's an excellent place to find a partner, but not yourself, but your family. For example a guy's female relatives will be in female company and they can spot young girls who are suitable and they think would be nice for their son to marry. It's probably less so with men, since men aren't like women in that nature. My dad had 0 say and wanted 0 say in who his sons marry, not to say he doesn't care, but he feels it's a lady's job. One of my brother's wives was found in a family wedding 5 years ago, my mum saw her and during the wedding process ended up asking the girl's mum and 4 days later it was pretty much done and dusted.

 

[ardianto]

There are two things in marriage that all brothers must know.

- Man doesn't need wali. He is not under guardianship of anyone. It's mean, man who ready to marry considered as an adult man, not a boy, which he make his own decision and bear his responsibility.

- Nikah is a process when the wali gives a woman who under his guardianship to a man who marry this woman. Then this woman is under her husband guardianship.


Marriage need huge responsibility, and the husband will not able to bear this responsibility if he is still "A Boy".

So, if you want to get married, at first you should turn yourself into "A Man". And you must ready to take all responsibilities in marriage without depend on your parents. Don't ever thinking if your wife doesn't cook, your mom will do it for you. Everything that happen in your family is your responsibility to handle it. Remember, the Imam in your family is you, not your parents.

There is tradition in my society. In nikah procession, the parents gives the groom and bride 'the last food'. This is a symbol, after nikah, the husband and wife should build an independent family. And they must take decision and bear responsibility by themselves.

 

[Who Am I?]

Lol I think you are getting scared of marriage, really it can't be that horrible, better than being lonely, all that drama really gives you a lot to be active about, adds a lot more joys to your list and also gives you somebody around to cook nice stuff for you . How good it is for men to get married , count your blessings, not fears. Marriage is sunnah, if you think great about yourself people will sense the same about you inshAllah. ( Im not married but I sure seem to have all those palaces, cupcakes, fairies and chirping birds in my dreams )

You know.. I had another sister just last week tell me the same thing, that I'm just scared of marriage. Well, I have been alone my whole life. It is what I am used to. So yeah, maybe the idea of being with someone for the rest of my life is a little intimidating.

But there's still those annoying self-improvement issues that I have to deal with too.

 

[Predator]

Looks like many are suffering from the degree syndrome spoken about in the below video . Get a thermometer ,its loaded with degrees

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmQY-j7cG2k

 

[ardianto]

Have we come to a conclusion yet

Conclusion : Different place,... different culture

In my place

Although exist, arranged marriage is uncommon. The parents role is only find and introduced someone to their children. But decision to marry or not to marry taken by the children themselves.

Lack of money is not great barrier for men. Many women here have a far view into the future. Those women know, if a young man has small income, it's because he is still in his early stage of career. As long as he has good motivation and responsibility to build a better future, a woman will marry him.

Wedding cost is not scary thing. Many women do not mind if their wedding are only small wedding with low budget. Of course, parents who prefer extravagant wedding are exist in Indonesia too. But extravagant wedding cost is not the groom's problem because extravagant wedding costs paid by the parents. Not only by the groom's parents, often by the bride's parents, but usually by parents from both families.

Mahr not in high amount. Main mahr usually Qur'an, sajada, and mukena (salah cloth for woman), money is only complimentary. Women do not need to request big mahr because they know, after married they can request anything from the husbands.

Not different than in 'another place'. Indonesian mothers prefer to have beautiful daughters in law. But Indonesian fathers advice their sons with "Beauty is not important. The main factor in choosing a wife is character. Choose women who have good character. Beauty is just a bonus".


PS : That's why I asked " Is beauty important ?" in another post. Because I am Indonesian father.

 

[Salahudeen]

Conclusion : Different place,... different culture

In my place

Although exist, arranged marriage is uncommon. The parents role is only find and introduced someone to their children. But decision to marry or not to marry taken by the children themselves.

Lack of money is not great barrier for men. Many women here have a far view into the future. Those women know, if a young man has small income, it's because he is still in his early stage of career. As long as he has good motivation and responsibility to build a better future, a woman will marry him.

Wedding cost is not scary thing. Many women do not mind if their wedding are only small wedding with low budget. Of course, parents who prefer extravagant wedding are exist in Indonesia too. But extravagant wedding cost is not the groom's problem because extravagant wedding costs paid by the parents. Not only by the groom's parents, often by the bride's parents, but usually by parents from both families.

Mahr not in high amount. Main mahr usually Qur'an, sajada, and mukena (salah cloth for woman), money is only complimentary. Women do not need to request big mahr because they know, after married they can request anything from the husbands.

Not different than in 'another place'. Indonesian mothers prefer to have beautiful daughters in law. But Indonesian fathers advice their sons with "Beauty is not important. The main factor in choosing a wife is character. Choose women who have good character. Beauty is just a bonus".


PS : That's why I asked " Is beauty important ?" in another post. Because I am Indonesian father.

I'm coming to live in Indonesia inshaAllah mg:

 

[SFatima]

Not necessarily..every single single-guy I know, religious or otherwise, if he's invited to a wedding keeps an eye out just in case he finds a girl he likes, even if the set up at the wedding is for the most part separate. It's a good place to find one. How is that wrong? It's simply an avenue for him to find a wife. If a person is seriously looking to get married, he's allowed to look as per the hadeeth of Jaabir (ra) anyway.

Yeah well I guess that proves how looks oriented most men are, but thankfully Alhamdulilah my brother isn't like that, and he trusts his sisters and mother to choose for him without having to resort to lay his eyes on all the na mahram chicks out there. I understand it is allowed for men to have a glance at women first, but I am not sure if the intent of that glance is always marriage and if that permission is being used true to its spirit....

My brother says (via scholarly references) that in Islam its not allowed to just select girls based entirely on their looks and then later find out about their families and etc. Seeing girls was allowed, After the intent of marrying the girl of a certain family was seriously made, and when the women of the man's family had approved the girl for her looks, and even when men wish to see her, women have to have their hair and body covered and have their mahram guardian present there.

He thinks its demeaning and disrespectful to choose girls out from such a function where they are all dressed up and makes him feel like they're all commodities in a market, he'd rather choose from among girls that our families personally know rather than pick out randomly from a set of complete strangers who you choose entirely for their outward appearances. (he's quite a handsome, isn't he )

But yes, since societies and communities are not entirely practising Islam, this is one of the ways they are going to choose girls, the other way is dating. So I guess I'm out of both since I don't like going to lavish weddings, mixed up functions and all, it feels so fake and hypocritical to compromise your purdah for such functions, and plus I'm too charming so I have to guard my charm from men who are slaves to their nafs. : ( okk kidding, no more modesty

Anyhow different people think differently, Even I don't like looking at random men to choose one for myself, I don't understand how religious men give themselves the liberty to plant their gazes on every woman who passes them by, what is the whole meaning of lowering your gaze if this is what you're going to do, whats the whole point? Some Men adopt cultural influences where it seems to feed their Nafs(desires), and discourage the same influences when the culture does not cater to their wants. I know several men who wanted to choose girls like that for themselves,( the prettiest of the lot) and 20 years later, the thought of presenting their daughters all dressed up infront of strange men really infuriates their ghairat, their sense of pride.. One sad scenario of the same hypocritical society.

 

[kingkong]

Alhamdulilah my brother isn't like that, and he trusts his sisters and mother to choose for him

he'd rather choose from among girls that our families personally know rather than pick out randomly from a set of complete strangers who you choose entirely for their outward appearances.

Firstly, your brother is very wise to let your mother choose, but very unwise to let his sisters ie you get involved. I would urge this brother to seek the sensible knowledge of his parents, especially his mother and father, then the aunties, grand mother etc and to not listen to an iota of information provided by siblings.

Secondly about your comment strangers in weddings, what kind of nonsense is this? Do you deny that most of the people in weddings will know each others, since it's relatives and family friends? All that happens is you see someone who's grown up, well if done in a halal way, it's perfect opportunity for a mother to find a bride. The mother can see the girl, who she may not have seen before, but have seen the mother, or perhaps she hasn't see the girl in several years since the last family wedding. It's perfectly healthy provided there is segregation. and none of the laws of Sharia are broken.

You have a very negative view on a lot of things.

 

[SFatima]

Firstly, your brother is very wise to let your mother choose, but very unwise to let his sisters ie you get involved. I would urge this brother to seek the sensible knowledge of his parents, especially his mother and father, then the aunties, grand mother etc and to not listen to an iota of information provided by siblings.

Secondly about your comment strangers in weddings, what kind of nonsense is this? Do you deny that most of the people in weddings will know each others, since it's relatives and family friends? All that happens is you see someone who's grown up, well if done in a halal way, it's perfect opportunity for a mother to find a bride. The mother can see the girl, who she may not have seen before, but have seen the mother, or perhaps she hasn't see the girl in several years since the last family wedding. It's perfectly healthy provided there is segregation. and none of the laws of Sharia are broken.
You have a very negative view on a lot of things.

uhh Mr.kk it is rather you who seems a tad bit too paranoid and mistrusting of your siblings, can't blame them either , but dude you really seem to have some awfully negative vibes about people so close to you, if thats how you feel for them, can't say why they feel so 'at ease' to return you the same flavour of sibling rivalry. :haha:

And secondly, we don't use the word " NON SENSE" here in sharing our opinions, If you continue with your blatant misuse of raw unwelcoming rude drivel, I'm sorry we're going to have to report your posts for inciting un-required ill sentiment among the forum members. Either learn to talk respectfully, or join some bash forums where you're conversation skills are more sought after, thanks.

 

[kingkong]

uhh Mr.kk it is rather you who seems a tad bit too paranoid and mistrusting of your siblings, can't blame them either , but dude you really seem to have some awfully negative vibes about people so close to you, if thats how you feel for them, can't say why they feel so 'at ease' to return you the same flavour of sibling rivalry. :haha:

And secondly, we don't use the word " NON SENSE" here in sharing our opinions, If you continue with your blatant misuse of raw unwelcoming rude drivel, I'm sorry we're going to have to report your posts for inciting un-required ill sentiment among the forum members. Either learn to talk respectfully, or join some bash forums where you're conversation skills are more sought after, thanks.

I think you are the one who needs to read what others write and treat it with more respect. I said you shouldn't listen to one iota of information provided by sibglings. That's got absolutely nothing to do with trust. If it was an issue with trust, why would I say trust the elders specifically? Are elders mroe trustworthy?

The reason why you shouldn't listen to your siblings is because they have not experienced life properly. In fact what do you know about married life? What do you know about the responsibilities and what forms a successful marriage, do you have the experience? This is where people need to listen to their parents and grand parents and tell their sisters and brothers to save their "advice" for their own kids or when they've got several years of marriage experience.

For some inexplicable reason you seem to think I suggested you shouldn't listen to yoru siblings about marriage matters because they are evil or untrustworthy, this is where you should take your own advice and reason carefully and contribute properly. Go ahead and report me, why threaten only?

It is nonsense, because you mention weddings involving strangers, what rubbish is this? 90+ % of guests at a wedding are relatives and close family friends. You don't invite strangers to weddings do you? You invite guests who you know.

 

[ardianto]

Why people can't get married ?

In Indonesia. For men : Lack of confidence.
Common marriage in Indonesia is marriage which the men search and choose women by themselves. But some men feel they are not worthy for women. Maybe because they think they are ugly, or their character is disliked by women, or other reason. It's makes them afraid to looking for a wife. In case like this usually people around them try to help them with introduce them to women who are looking for husband. But their lack of confidence and feeling as 'unworthy' person makes them refuse those help.

In Indonesia. For women : Nobody propose marriage.
Women are in position that wait for men who will propose a marriage. But if nobody wants to propose marriage to them ?. However, in many cases, those women received marriage proposal, but they refuse it and wait for the next man who never comes.

 

[Ghazalah]

The reason why you shouldn't listen to your siblings is because they have not experienced life properly.

Dude, the word sibling does not entail only younger brothers or sisters, it can mean elder ones too. So in essence they're more experienced then you are if they are older.

In fact what do you know about married life? What do you know about the responsibilities and what forms a successful marriage, do you have the experience

You know nothing about the sister, for all you know she can be older than your parents with kids same age as you. No need to get personal. Tone down a little, should do you some good.

 

[ardianto]

In fact what do you know about married life? What do you know about the responsibilities and what forms a successful marriage

I know how you treat your wife and how is your concept about responsibilities and form of successful marriage.

As a man who have been married for 17 years, let me tell you, you don't know anything about building a family.

 

[Salahudeen]

opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn: who wants some pop corn

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:opcorn:

Let me have some popcorn too, it's getting interesting here, no?
opcorn:opcorn:

 

[Salahudeen]

Let me have some popcorn too, it's getting interesting here, no?
opcorn:opcorn:

opcorn:opcorn:opcorn: *throws pop corn at abd al majid* how long do you think untill they close the thread? think we'll see a few rounds first? opcorn:

 

['Abd Al-Maajid]

LOL. I see we have much time to follow this thread. Without Br. Ardianto's posts this thread is just a spam central to me... No Offence to anyone. We are stretching this thread like a bubble gum.

 

[Salahudeen]

LOL. I see we have much time to follow this thread. Without Br. Ardianto's posts this thread is just a spam central to me... No Offence to anyone. We are stretching this thread like a bubble gum.

LOL just sit back and have some popcorn and enjoy opcorn:

 

[Riana17]

I like honest people, keep it coming

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

As'Salaam Alaaykum

I believe this thread has fullfilled it's purpose as i believe the OP's Question has been answered, and now its slightly going off topic..Thread CLOSED! so please move on inshaa'Allaah..

:threadclo

*how i wish i was a mod/adminator* :-\