Frustrations in getting married

jimbo123 said:
The problem is this bro Ardianto, it is true I have rejected only by photo but this is after getting to know about the person and their personality. A few times I did reject based on the photo when I knew for sure I wouldn't like the girl.

You are right though that pictures aren't a good way to do this and you need to actually meet a person (with family involvement) for the charm to correctly come across. I have rejected maybe 4 or 5 girls (using the picture method) but I know I have been rejected maybe 100 times by other girls with the same method. I have a job that pays quite well, I know I am handsome, my physique/health is good because I play sports every other day and I practise Islam but I have been rejected for silly reasons. I am told it is because I am 1-2 inches shorter than they would like, even though I am taller than them! Or that they would prefer to marry a doctor!

Since I started looking for a wife 1 year ago, my self confidence has gone up and down. I waited until I was 24 so I could build up my confidence as I didn't feel worthy of marriage. All my family encouraged me to get married and yes, in my culture we have matchmakers as well. But after getting rejected so many times (by picture and basic bio data), my self confidence is less than half of what it used to be.

Going back to the matchmaker thing, I have married sisters and uncles looking for me. The problem is that it always starts with a photo and a basic CV containing (height, job title, education, level of religiousness and information about brothers/sisters and parents). That is the first stage and after that, if both man and woman accept then there will be a meet.

I also joined matrimonial sites which works on a similar principle but without the matchmaker. You are absolutely right though that meeting a person and looking at a picture of them are 2 very different things. There are some matrimonial events that take place (where guys and girls can meet), I'm not sure how this works or how halal it is but I guess that would be another option.
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I've been rejected 101 times by pic I beat you :hmm:
 
I think we need to start another thread or carry on from here about

SOLUTIONS to getting married,

We have heard all the frustrations,

So im approaching 30:heated:. and i defo wana marry next year, but i know i will never get that money together,. so whats a guy like me to do

And getting comments like why are you not married does hurt.
 
noorseeker said:
I think we need to start another thread or carry on from here about

SOLUTIONS to getting married,

We have heard all the frustrations,

So im approaching 30:heated:. and i defo wana marry next year, but i know i will never get that money together,. so whats a guy like me to do

And getting comments like why are you not married does hurt.
Click to expand...

Find a girl who isn't high maintenance? There's plenty of girls who can live happy on love and not dollars hard to find though, mariage event today at central mosque incase you wanna go :hmm: just explain you don't want a big wedding, my uncle had a little do in a restaurant with only close relatives, that's what I want too.
 
noorseeker said:
I think we need to start another thread or carry on from here about

SOLUTIONS to getting married,

We have heard all the frustrations,

So im approaching 30:heated:. and i defo wana marry next year, but i know i will never get that money together,. so whats a guy like me to do

And getting comments like why are you not married does hurt.
Click to expand...

Bruvva my advice to you is Just Do It
ch_nike.jpg
:shade:

There comes a point when theres only so much you can do and the rest has to be left to Allah, many of us here are probably quite young and still have time to sort things out but I don't think you should wait - especially as a guy. Yes it will be hard finding a wife/family that will accept someone with financial difficulties but there are people who are more understanding of deen and know that Allah will provide rizq once a man starts a family.

Theres a masjid in Leicester, Taybah Masjid, they're very strict to the sunnah, they help people from all backgrounds get married and I personally know that quite a few of the brothers attending that masjid are not on high incomes - so they should be quite understanding.

Do contact them http://taybahcentre.com/islamic-marriage/

Also try to contact Moulana Imran from Jame'ah Masjid, masha'Allah he's a great guy and very understanding of issues with the youth - he will most certainly try to help you out and atleast give you valuable advice. Contact him on: 07572066014 - he's alrite with people ringing him directly. http://www.jameah.co.uk/ or 0116 262 1963.
 
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@ brother Jimbo123

In a psychological article about "why some women are not able to get husbands ?". The writer wrote "look at matrimonial sites and notices what are their criterias of expected husbands". I noticed it, and yes, they have long list of criterias of expected husband such as, attractive, smart, high educated, have good job, and many more, and many more.

Also I have read an Islamic article that writen by a brother "Better husband in reality than prince in the dream". The content is critic on women's habit who expect "Perfect Husband", such husbands who attractive, have good job, smart, tall, and many more, and many more.

Why those two writer wrote about women only and not about men ?. It's because people who have high criterias on spouses and really stuck on it are women. Men are realistic and more flexible in this matter. Men also have criterias of expected wives, but they are easy to lowering or delete some points in this criterias.

Brother, I guess, women who rejected you because you were not meet their criterias are women in matrimonial sites. Many women in matrimonial sites are women like this. Their high expectation makes men reluctant to propose a marriage. That's why those women run to matrimonial sites.

Actually the best way for Muslim men to find wives is through Ulama and Muslim communities, like I wrote in my previous post. Unfortunately, like I have written on other post, Muslim men who live in Muslim countries are easier to get wives through this way than Muslim men who live in non-Muslim countries.

And about "Active Matchmaker". Only those who have talent as Active Matchmaker who can be Active Matchmaker. People like this usually are not parents or uncle, but friends.
 
I think this thread will soon break LI record of being longest thread ever :p you people really know how to dissect a subject
 
noorseeker said:
I think we need to start another thread or carry on from here about

SOLUTIONS to getting married,

We have heard all the frustrations,

So im approaching 30. and i defo wana marry next year, but i know i will never get that money together,. so whats a guy like me to do

And getting comments like why are you not married does hurt.
Click to expand...
with C.C.R (Confidence, Courage, Responsibility)

I was an university student when I meet a beautiful girl from 'traditionalist' family who 7 months younger than me, already had a job, had received some marriage proposals, and her parents had chosen one man for her. However, she didn't want to marry that man, and she chose me.

So, to secure my 'position', I went to her parents, alone. I told them I want to marry their daughter. They asked me, "how can you fulfil her needs if you are still study in uni ?". I explain them I will try to finish my study and start a business, but I need time. They asked me again "Are you sure you will not leave her ", I answered "InshaAllah". Finally they asked me "Why you come alone ?". I gave them an answer "As a male, I don't need wali, that's why I come alone".

This 'brave' answer made them angry and they told me to bring my parent. Few days later I came with my mother and my uncle (my father had passed away). I told my mother I would introduce a girl, but after we arrived, my mother realized I proposed a marriage. Of course, her anger was exploded.

Yeeesss, that was me when I was young, reckless, and had good reputation as "The Naughty Boy". :D

I had confidence, I had courage, but as immature person I had low responsibility. That's why, although her parents gave me a chance, later that girl changed her mind. She left me and married another man. It's became a good lesson in my life.

---------

Okay, you don't need to follow a recklessness like this. But you must have C.C.R and use these in positive way.

Confidence
Convince yourself you are worth to get a wife. Look around and see the reality, even 'imperfect men' like dwarf person or disabled person can married. You need to have a job, of course. But don't ever low income makes you feel inferior. Look around and see, how many poor people who got married, and how many people who start marriage in poverty but now have become rich or at least not in poverty again. Convince yourself you can get the brighter future if you never give up. And believe what people in my place say "The world is not as small as a leaf". If one woman reject you, there are many other women who wait for the husband in this world.

Courage
Don't be afraid to start looking for a wife. Don't be ashamed to request the people to help you to find a wife. And when you have find a woman, don't be afraid to propose marriage to that woman and her wali. Don't be hesitate to discuss with them and make presentation about what can you do to build a family. Of course, you must do all of these process in good manner and good etiquette.

Responsibility
If that woman accept your marriage proposal, you have responsibility to marry her and become a good husband for her. Don't follow mistake that made by some brothers, proposed a marriage, accepted, but then they change their mind and cancel their marriage proposal.


Of course, after you got married you still need C.C.R because marriage life actually is not easy and full of problems.

If you have confidence you will have courage to face those problems. If you have courage you will have a power to solve those problems.

And the must important, you must have a responsibility to build Muslim family that "sakinah, mawadah, wa rahmah".

-------

And like brother Abd-al Latif said, marriage changes someone. I was The Naughty Boy, but now ? ... I can't say I am a good person, but InshaAllah I will always try to do my best to reach my dream, be the good imam for my family.

:)
 
Just a tip for sisters.

You are not in position that "find someone", but you are in position that wait and "be found". It makes you have less mobility than men.

My advice. Don't lock yourself in your room. But try to associate with older women in your Muslim community like your mother friends, your auntie friends. Active in their activities, like join in their cooking club, or their Qur'an recitation group. Make them have a good image on you as a girl who can be a good wife.

I suggest it because one hobby of women in that age is 'matching' someone with another. :D

So, when they know a brother looking for a wife, they will recommend you.
 
Tips for brothers.

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Do not propose marriage as "stranger". It's means if you find a girl who don't know you personally, don't send marriage proposal to that girl or her wali. But what you must do is come to her parent, introduce yourself and ask a permission to introduce you to their daughter. They will understand if you have intention to marry their daughter, but it will not makes them shocked like if you propose marriage without introduce yourself first.

If they allow you, you can meet her and start the "introductory phase". After she and her family know important things about you such as your family, your job, etc, you can tell your marriage proposal.

-------

If you want to propose marriage to a girl who know you personally. Don't send marriage proposal to her wali before she knows you have an interest to marry her. This could make her feel compelled to get married. Request someone as messenger to tell your intention to her. If she say she will accept you, you can talk with her wali.

-------

Marriage proposal is not job application. You can submit job application to several companies simultaneously. If all of those companies accept you, you can choose one and reject the other.

But don't ever propose marriage to more than one girl simultaneously. If all of them reject you, it will not becomes a problem. But if all, or at least two, girls accept you, it's becomes a problem. You must choose one and reject the other. It will break those rejected girl's heart. And if the chosen girl knows about it, she will have a bad image on you.
 
ardianto said:
Tips for brothers.

-------

Do not propose marriage as "stranger". It's means if you find a girl who don't know you personally, don't send marriage proposal to that girl or her wali. But what you must do is come to her parent, introduce yourself and ask a permission to introduce you to their daughter. They will understand if you have intention to marry their daughter, but it will not makes them shocked like if you propose marriage without introduce yourself first.

If they allow you, you can meet her and start the "introductory phase". After she and her family know important things about you such as your family, your job, etc, you can tell your marriage proposal.

-------

If you want to propose marriage to a girl who know you personally. Don't send marriage proposal to her wali before she knows you have an interest to marry her. This could make her feel compelled to get married. Request someone as messenger to tell your intention to her. If she say she will accept you, you can talk with her wali.

-------

Marriage proposal is not job application. You can submit job application to several companies simultaneously. If all of those companies accept you, you can choose one and reject the other.

But don't ever propose marriage to more than one girl simultaneously. If all of them reject you, it will not becomes a problem. But if all, or at least two, girls accept you, it's becomes a problem. You must choose one and reject the other. It will break those rejected girl's heart. And if the chosen girl knows about it, she will have a bad image on you.
Click to expand...

Brother ardianto is LI's marriage guru :p
 
ardianto said:
Just a tip for sisters.

You are not in position that "find someone", but you are in position that wait and "be found". It makes you have less mobility than men.

My advice. Don't lock yourself in your room. But try to associate with older women in your Muslim community like your mother friends, your auntie friends. Active in their activities, like join in their cooking club, or their Qur'an recitation group. Make them have a good image on you as a girl who can be a good wife.

I suggest it because one hobby of women in that age is 'matching' someone with another. :D

So, when they know a brother looking for a wife, they will recommend you.
Click to expand...

ardianto said:
Tips for brothers.

-------

Do not propose marriage as "stranger". It's means if you find a girl who don't know you personally, don't send marriage proposal to that girl or her wali. But what you must do is come to her parent, introduce yourself and ask a permission to introduce you to their daughter. They will understand if you have intention to marry their daughter, but it will not makes them shocked like if you propose marriage without introduce yourself first.

If they allow you, you can meet her and start the "introductory phase". After she and her family know important things about you such as your family, your job, etc, you can tell your marriage proposal.

-------

If you want to propose marriage to a girl who know you personally. Don't send marriage proposal to her wali before she knows you have an interest to marry her. This could make her feel compelled to get married. Request someone as messenger to tell your intention to her. If she say she will accept you, you can talk with her wali.

-------

Marriage proposal is not job application. You can submit job application to several companies simultaneously. If all of those companies accept you, you can choose one and reject the other.

But don't ever propose marriage to more than one girl simultaneously. If all of them reject you, it will not becomes a problem. But if all, or at least two, girls accept you, it's becomes a problem. You must choose one and reject the other. It will break those rejected girl's heart. And if the chosen girl knows about it, she will have a bad image on you.
Click to expand...

You run a marriage bureau or somethin'? :X:X:X
 

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