Frustrations in getting married

[Insaanah]

What's proper Islamic etiquette in this case and please forgive that I don't wish to browse all 39 pages... Can't you delegate a wali to do the marriage contract before witnesses on your behalf and not be present for any part of it?

You've hit the nail on the head, dearest sister. That is how it is supposed to be done. Your wali gets your consent beforehand, offers you in marriage to the groom, who accepts, in front of witnesses, with an agreed amount of mahr to be paid by him. As far as the nikah goes, that's it. Some say it's preferable to be done in the masjid, Allahu a3lam. But you don't need to physically be there. Your wali then takes you to your new husband's place of residence. There is no meal or guests or other expense involved. Women can get together and have a women only duff and singing (without music) party to help make knowledge of the wedding public, and to celebrate and express their happiness.

The weddings we have nowadays hosted by brides parents with big halls, tonnes of guests, and a meal are not how nikah was done at the time of the Prophet :saws:.

The wedding meal/feast is at the waleemah, hosted by the groom, according to his capacity, so it can be very simple and even without meat if he cannot afford it. The poor should also be invited, as should family, friends and neighbours. If possible, some of the food should be given to the less well-off who were not able to attend.

Islam has made things so simple for us, yet we humans insist on burdening ourselves and making them harder.

 

[جوري]

Islam has made things so simple for us, yet we humans insist on burdening ourselves and making then harder.

Yup.. The fact that people invite & feed people they don't know or even care for is bewildering.. I'd rather invest the money on plane tickets for one or two of my best friends

to go to a favorite restaurant, hang out and have them genuinely wish you well than 100 of those old shrews with jarring comments, awkward stares and phony sentiments ..

 

[ardianto]

dowry

Dowry, or 'mahr' from bride family to the groom family, originally from Indian culture that not recognized in Islam.

I have read some complains which the dowry becomes a factor that prevent someone to get married. Even I found a case like this in this forum. But I think the problem is in greedy, not the dowry itself. If the dowry is in realistic amount that reachable by the bride family, and just symbolic, dowry is not a big problem.

But from the complains that I have read, it's seem like those greedy people sell their sons for wealth.

 

[Periwinkle18]

Dowry, or 'mahr' from bride family to the groom family, originally from Indian culture that not recognized in Islam.

not only indian culture buh pakistani culture too n the dowry ur talking abt is jahez not mahr which is common in both indian and paki culture...

it srsly is a pain, ppl r so greedy they want the gurl as well as free stuff

Mahr is given my the groom...

 

[noorseeker]

Well in bengali culture, The groom gives the Mahr and gold ,

Usually gold is around £5k these days and few £k in cash.


But the groom receives bed, wardrobe , dining table, watch , tv, leather sofas, etc wow this is getting exciting ;D

so around £5k also.

 

[*Yasmin*]

In my culture, the groom buys a piece of land and "builds" a house from scratch. (and it's not good to rent a house here!!!! the guy may be rejected by the parents if he doesn't have his own house)
and the bride (well, the bride's parents) has to buy "almost" everything inside the house. like oven, tv, dining table ... etc.

and before the guy dare to ask one's hand he must at least have finished with the basics of the house.
Not to mention he has to give the mahr and gold too.

UGH WHAT a rotten culture !!!

I feel pity for the guys here. my brother is still discussing the house's shape with the architect. He HAS A LONG WAY TO GO.

 

[aadil77]

Well in bengali culture, The groom gives the Mahr and gold ,

Usually gold is around £5k these days and few £k in cash.


But the groom receives bed, wardrobe , dining table, watch , tv, leather sofas, etc wow this is getting exciting ;D

so around £5k also.

what's the average age for bengali men getting married?

and why does the groom recieve furniture?

 

[Futuwwa]

Me and my wife, we spent no more than 800€ on wedding celebration. It took place at my apartment, and the total number of people there was no more than 25, not all at the same time. Let those who are offended put their money where their mouth is and fund the bigger event they want.

 

[aadil77]

Me and my wife, we spent no more than 800€ on wedding celebration. It took place at my apartment, and the total number of people there was no more than 25, not all at the same time. Let those who are offended put their money where their mouth is and fund the bigger event they want.

It's a tough decision choosing who to invite. Did you invite just family or was it friends as well?

 

[Futuwwa]

Closest family members and closest friends who also happened to be in the area.

 

[aadil77]

Closest family members and closest friends who also happened to be in the area.

Ok jazakhAllah khair

 

[noorseeker]

what's the average age for bengali men getting married?

and why does the groom recieve furniture?

The average age is around 24, 25, well im now 30 lol, so better get in there quick.

Furniture and that is more a gift to the bride, from her own family,, My cousin as we speak is in town choosing his watch;D

Basically you may have good sofas any way at home, but they will buy you a set, so the old ones will have to go into storage.

But i always said i will say no to that. But if i do , people may feel in debted to me, fearing i may throw it back at them at a future date

 

[ardianto]

In my culture, the groom buys a piece of land and "builds" a house from scratch. (and it's not good to rent a house here!!!! the guy may be rejected by the parents if he doesn't have his own house)

Typical of parents in my place is spoil their daughters so much. So, if the daughter choose a guy who doesn't have anything, they would not forbid, even give everything that their daughter and her husband need.

If the husband could not afford to buy or rent a house, the wife daddy rent, buy, or give a house for them. The husband doesn't have a job? the wife daddy give him a good position in his company. The husband need transportation, the wife daddy gives him a motorcycle or car.

But unfortunately, stupid guys are exist in my place. There were guys who came to nikah brought nothing, then got many facilities from the wife parent, but not so long ........ make affair with another woman. :hmm:

 

[noorseeker]

If the husband could not afford to buy or rent a house, the wife daddy rent, buy, or give a house for them. The husband doesn't have a job? the wife daddy give him a good position in his company. The husband need transportation, the wife daddy gives him a motorcycle or car.

Sounds good bro, maybe we should al come over to Your country ;D

No seriously i wouldnt feeel like a man if i got things handed to me

 

[aadil77]

The average age is around 24, 25, well im now 30 lol, so better get in there quick.

ok but I don't see how someone that age could afford all that gold and stuff unless family are helping them pay for it ?

 

[ardianto]

Like I've said, stupid guys are exist in my place.

This is one of many design of "Buronan Mertua" that popular as design for t-shirts and stickers in Indonesia. Buronan Mertua means "In-law fugitive", it describe a stupid guy who be hunted by his father in-law because he neglect and leave his wife although the wife father had given him many facilities.

Translation of the text is:

In-law Fugitive
Has deliberately left the house without information
Electricity and water bills for 5 months are unpaid
Telephone bill is unpaid
The kids study cost for 6 months is unpaid
Left the wife who is 3 months pregnant
Beware if does not back (to the home)
Heritage and rice farm would not be given to him
2 X 24 hours
Required to report to father in-law

 

[Periwinkle18]

If the husband could not afford to buy or rent a house, the wife daddy rent, buy, or give a house for them. The husband doesn't have a job? the wife daddy give him a good position in his company. The husband need transportation, the wife daddy gives him a motorcycle or car.

things like these doesnt happen in paki land u'll get teased if ur working with ur wife's daddy...

 

[ardianto]

things like these doesnt happen in paki land u'll get teased if ur working with ur wife's daddy...

Usually they are not in the same office. Father in-law in head office, son in-law in branch office, or father in-law establish a new business that managed by the son in-law. Also is common in my place if son in-law ask money from father in-law to establish new business or develop his own business.

 

[Who Am I?]

Yeah, man. Just go to the courthouse and get your marriage license. No ceremony, no money spent, no drama.

Problem solved.

Especially if your family isn't Muslim... :hmm:

 

[noorseeker]

ok but I don't see how someone that age could afford all that gold and stuff unless family are helping them pay for it ?

Well a lot of us start working part time around 15, 16 , and then we work , so we have a fair few years to save up, plus family help.

If you have a conventional family. i,e You are in your 20,s and your dad is still working age , he will help.

But my dad was retired before i was 10

I started at 19, bought a house by 22, But i didnt have marriage in my mind and wasnt practising, and was spending money here and there


Buit a lot youngsters are off to Uni now, so it will be hard to get that kind of money now