Help with calming a friend...

[ashraf__]

Hey people, I would like some islamic advice on how I can help a friend calm down and reduce his anger towards islam.


Long story short, this friend of mine was cheated on recently (3 years ago) his by his wife with his best friend who happened to be extremely religious. You know the praying 5 times and all. My friend was the kind of guy who goes to the mosque once a week. decent guy someone you can count on who.

Since then his life has been a disaster one after the, while his ex spouse and ex best friend are living the life. My friends ex got married to another rich guy and his ex best friend got married to a beautiful rich girl and their business sky rocketed net worth grew at least 10 fold.


At the same time my friend gets screwed at every corner. Its like bad luck one after the other.

Seeing all these the friend of mine is on the verge of giving up on islam. Usually I am not the kind to interfere in peoples personal choices but i feel that time I should


This friend of mine says he went to several islamic forum and complained about his situation and all he was told is to have patience and do more ruza and sadaqah. That just enraged him even more I don't want to follow that path. If you people are kind enough to give me some advice on how to deal with his from an islamic approach please feel free to share your thoughts.


Please if anyone has any methods

 

[keiv]

Asking for advice on religious forums will get you religious advice.. What kind of advice did he think he was going to get?

His ex wife has been with (at least) 2 other guys in the last 3 years. My advice? Stop blaming Islam and move on with your life. Get a new wife.. or don't.. Either way, get over it and work on strengthening your deen. Does it really sadden him to know that his ex wife is the type of person to jump from one guy to another? Instead of blaming Islam, he should be thanking Allah for separating himself from toxic people. Always be thankful for whatever situation your are in and maybe Allah will replace it with something better for staying on the path of Islam. Turn the other way and you will miss that opportunity.

I've seen this type of scenario posted here many times in the past where something happens to someone and they make a statement on how they're close to leaving Islam. As soon as they go through any hardship, Islam becomes their target because they feel they've been let down by Allah as if they're supposed to be owed something in this life for having prayed or fasted. Your friend apostatizing over this only means that his faith wasn't very strong to begin with. Even if he leaves Islam, then what? His wife and friend still ran off with each other 3 years ago, left each other, and are now with different people. How is blaming, or even leaving, Islam going to help him?

أَحَسِبَ ٱلنَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوٓا۟ أَن يَقُولُوٓا۟ ءَامَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

Do people think once they say, “We believe,” that they will be left without being put to the test?
29:2

 

[Studentofdeed]

I agree with Keiv, but in a softer way. Thank Allah and know those people are not that religious. These are not calamities but blessings and calling you to Allah.

 

[ashraf__]

Asking for advice on religious forums will get you religious advice.. What kind of advice did he think he was going to get?

His ex wife has been with (at least) 2 other guys in the last 3 years. My advice? Stop blaming Islam and move on with your life. Get a new wife.. or don't.. Either way, get over it and work on strengthening your deen. Does it really sadden him to know that his ex wife is the type of person to jump from one guy to another? Instead of blaming Islam, he should be thanking Allah for separating himself from toxic people. Always be thankful for whatever situation your are in and maybe Allah will replace it with something better for staying on the path of Islam. Turn the other way and you will miss that opportunity.

I've seen this type of scenario posted here many times in the past where something happens to someone and they make a statement on how they're close to leaving Islam. As soon as they go through any hardship, Islam becomes their target because they feel they've been let down by Allah as if they're supposed to be owed something in this life for having prayed or fasted. Your friend apostatizing over this only means that his faith wasn't very strong to begin with. Even if he leaves Islam, then what? His wife and friend still ran off with each other 3 years ago, left each other, and are now with different people. How is blaming, or even leaving, Islam going to help him?

aren't you a delight to speak too. Thank god most people who spread islam all over the world were not harsh like you. Its because of harsh people like you we are so torn apart.

I really hope Allah tests you and all the folks who tell others to stay clam during calamities to the extreme and shows us how you folks endure it.

are you aware of verses of Quran coming down when a woman complain that her husband had called her like his mother?


Yes people blame islam because of qadr and many other things, unfortunately we shouldn't be expecting help from people like you. In my opinion its because of people like who give the cold shoulder to others a lot of people are moving away from religion. After all you also agree with people like Mountains (which could be your alter ego) that spews' baseless and very daft conspiracy theories.


If you don't have anything nice to contribute please refrain.

 

[ashraf__]

Its different for you and I who are outside observers we can never understand their anxiety but for the person enduring it its a different story. Even thou I am not a very practicing Muslim I believe it is the right thing to do to try to help someone doing through difficulties.

 

[المدينه]

Hey people, I would like some islamic advice on how I can help a friend calm down and reduce his anger towards islam.


Long story short, this friend of mine was cheated on recently (3 years ago) his by his wife with his best friend who happened to be extremely religious. You know the praying 5 times and all. My friend was the kind of guy who goes to the mosque once a week. decent guy someone you can count on who.

Since then his life has been a disaster one after the, while his ex spouse and ex best friend are living the life. My friends ex got married to another rich guy and his ex best friend got married to a beautiful rich girl and their business sky rocketed net worth grew at least 10 fold.


At the same time my friend gets screwed at every corner. Its like bad luck one after the other.

Seeing all these the friend of mine is on the verge of giving up on islam. Usually I am not the kind to interfere in peoples personal choices but i feel that time I should


This friend of mine says he went to several islamic forum and complained about his situation and all he was told is to have patience and do more ruza and sadaqah. That just enraged him even more I don't want to follow that path. If you people are kind enough to give me some advice on how to deal with his from an islamic approach please feel free to share your thoughts.


Please if anyone has any methods

The Islamic approach... from what you said, he's heard enough about that already. And it's nothing he doesn't already know. He is aware of his duties as a muslim and I can understand his frustration when he hears it over and over. He feels this way and he feels horrible. That's okay and acceptable. But now he has to change his thinking strategy and learn to shift his perspective. He needs to heal. Constantly focusing on them and what they've done and how they're doing now is not going to make it any better. But he knows that too.

Three years is a long time but when we carry a grudge, it may as well be three hundred years. It will always hurt the same as long as we hold on to it. And it's so much easier to just blame someone or something else for whatever happens. Scapegoats are dime a dozen but they do more harm than good.

Please don't misunderstand that. I am in no way saying that your friend is to blame. I generally blame no one for anything. That's not my place. I let allah judge them. Then let it go.

And those two points are the key. Letting go of blame and letting go of a grudge.

Believe me, I've been cheated on and betrayed in the worst ways imaginable more times than I could shake a stick at. I am healthy though, الحمدالله

How you can support your friend is maybe by making it clear to him the the actions of another person do not change who he is. His ex and former best friend betrayed him in the worst way. No doubt and they will get theirs for it. Your friend needs to grasp the fact that they did it and it doesn't make him a bad person.

Okay, it looks like they could do all these things and get away with it. They seem so successful. Business is going good, money coming in...wonderful. we wish everyone the best and I mean that for real. We wish happiness for others. Yet are they really doing so great? Does your friend know what is going on behind their closed doors? No. He sees only what's on the outside.

Most people would rather cry in a Ferrari. What about laughing on the street corner?

Maybe you can gently remind your friend of what is really important in life? Maybe you can baby step it with him?

I'll tell you what though, just the fact that you, as his friend, are so concerned with how to support him, that is a blessing I wish I had!! I don't care about the money (though I'm broke as a joke!) But give me just ONE true friend and I'll be the richest person on the planet!

Try to get him to engage in things that remind you both of why we are all actually on this planet. Maybe you can think of a way to just be busy and divert his attention to stuff that will do you and others good. Do things to better your lives. Maybe learn a new language together, join a community project, meet different people, start your own networking groups if the covid has you restricted/on lockdown...come up with your own business ideas. You are not clouded by his emotions, which gives you the advantage in creative thinking.

The actual process of letting go and forgiving(!) has to come from him. Allah will help him with that. It's hard, he'll fall back but he can do it. I know it because I went through it too. You can only support him on the way there. Forgiving does not equal forgetting, but that's a different subject.

Our selves as humans and especially as believers are not based on the actions of others. Someone else's bad deeds do not determine who we are. The sins of another do not go between our relationship to Allah.

I pray for you and your friend. I understand that pain too well. May Allah give him ease of mind and heart and the strength to forgive and may you be rewarded for being such a good friend.

 

[ashraf__]

The Islamic approach... from what you said, he's heard enough about that already. And it's nothing he doesn't already know. He is aware of his duties as a muslim and I can understand his frustration when he hears it over and over. He feels this way and he feels horrible. That's okay and acceptable. But now he has to change his thinking strategy and learn to shift his perspective. He needs to heal. Constantly focusing on them and what they've done and how they're doing now is not going to make it any better. But he knows that too.

Three years is a long time but when we carry a grudge, it may as well be three hundred years. It will always hurt the same as long as we hold on to it. And it's so much easier to just blame someone or something else for whatever happens. Scapegoats are dime a dozen but they do more harm than good.

Please don't misunderstand that. I am in no way saying that your friend is to blame. I generally blame no one for anything. That's not my place. I let allah judge them. Then let it go.

And those two points are the key. Letting go of blame and letting go of a grudge.

Believe me, I've been cheated on and betrayed in the worst ways imaginable more times than I could shake a stick at. I am healthy though, الحمدالله

How you can support your friend is maybe by making it clear to him the the actions of another person do not change who he is. His ex and former best friend betrayed him in the worst way. No doubt and they will get theirs for it. Your friend needs to grasp the fact that they did it and it doesn't make him a bad person.

Okay, it looks like they could do all these things and get away with it. They seem so successful. Business is going good, money coming in...wonderful. we wish everyone the best and I mean that for real. We wish happiness for others. Yet are they really doing so great? Does your friend know what is going on behind their closed doors? No. He sees only what's on the outside.

Most people would rather cry in a Ferrari. What about laughing on the street corner?

Maybe you can gently remind your friend of what is really important in life? Maybe you can baby step it with him?

I'll tell you what though, just the fact that you, as his friend, are so concerned with how to support him, that is a blessing I wish I had!! I don't care about the money (though I'm broke as a joke!) But give me just ONE true friend and I'll be the richest person on the planet!

Try to get him to engage in things that remind you both of why we are all actually on this planet. Maybe you can think of a way to just be busy and divert his attention to stuff that will do you and others good. Do things to better your lives. Maybe learn a new language together, join a community project, meet different people, start your own networking groups if the covid has you restricted/on lockdown...come up with your own business ideas. You are not clouded by his emotions, which gives you the advantage in creative thinking.

The actual process of letting go and forgiving(!) has to come from him. Allah will help him with that. It's hard, he'll fall back but he can do it. I know it because I went through it too. You can only support him on the way there. Forgiving does not equal forgetting, but that's a different subject.

Our selves as humans and especially as believers are not based on the actions of others. Someone else's bad deeds do not determine who we are. The sins of another do not go between our relationship to Allah.

I pray for you and your friend. I understand that pain too well. May Allah give him ease of mind and heart and the strength to forgive and may you be rewarded for being such a good friend.

thank you for that suggestion....


I am trying that approach with him telling him that its good he got cheated on early in life when he had no kids, would have been worse. His reply was that why me why does things have to get worse for me, just like Allah exposed me at my weakest to them, they saw me crying hurting like no tomorrow and they were enjoying it.


He says he has nothing against those people his anger is against Allah for allowing such to happen at the same time showering those people with prosperity where as for him he need to put in extra efforts to get things done where as for those people whatever they touch becomes gold. He is just saying whats the point of follow this so called loving creator, when the love is only for the very few. He makes life and tests very very very difficult and then when he can't pass it we become wood for hell fire. Its like damned if we do damned if we dont.


It this is this that i am still trying to answer in way that is not hurtful or derogatory like that dude kiev as I believe the essence of Islam is love and mercy and we should always have these two things in our approach.

 

[المدينه]

Oh wow... this guy really got the bad end of the stick, didn't he?

Okay... well, try to sell him on the radical thought that maybe he had it mixed up to begin with. He was trusting people and believing in allah.

After going through my own personal version of hell on earth for years on end, I wondered what was so wrong with me...why...why wasn't I blessed like others? Why didn't I....?

Untill I realized exactly that. I had it all twisted up!

Believe in people but trust Allah! It makes all the difference in the world.

Of course he's not trying to hear about any rewards in paradise. He knows it but it won't mean that much untill he shifts his focus away from others.

Blaming Allah is wrong, we all know that and yet we can all probably relate to a moment or two of weakness where we felt the same. Weak faith is no joke. But its not irreversible or the ticket to the flames

It's so hard to deal when he sees others doing so good and he's got nothing going for him. Oh that's more than relatable. But all the more reason to stop looking at what others have/are being blessed with and to focus on his blessings.

And if he says he has absolutely nothing, he still has something: a blank slate to create a way of living that he can meet our creator: at the very least, look in the mirror every day. He gets to wake up, be alive and make the choices in life to get him right in alignment with Allahs plan. The things we see as blessings upon others are in fact, often the greatest trials ever!

Example: children. Undeniably the greatest blessing of all. I'll tell you what, no one; not a single soul to walk this earth, will ever cause you more heartbreak than your own child. I have three daughters so I actually do know what I'm saying.

It doesn't make the pain and the apparent injustice any less, but the more he actually puts his trust in Allah, the more inner peace and strength he'll have.

And he needs to regain his strength to even be ready to take on that form of trial. Sure, we'd all like 10 grand to just blow, house in the hills, beautiful spouse with tons of kids and a career that's everything we dreamed it to be; but do we want to deal with those little snakes that pop up and suddenly remember they were our friends? Nevermind all the other stuff that comes along with it. Nope.

Oh me and my long posts. But you get the message. Try to talk to him from that point of view. I don't think I've said anything unislamic or anything that can't be backed up somewhere. I'm just not smart enough to know where and provide quotes.

But I know where my trust is: with Allah

I'm keeping you all in my duas. May Allah bless you with ease of mind and eyes that see. May Allah bless us all so big that we forget why we ever cried in the first place

 

[Imraan]

Hey people, I would like some islamic advice on how I can help a friend calm down and reduce his anger towards islam.


Long story short, this friend of mine was cheated on recently (3 years ago) his by his wife with his best friend who happened to be extremely religious. You know the praying 5 times and all. My friend was the kind of guy who goes to the mosque once a week. decent guy someone you can count on who.

Since then his life has been a disaster one after the, while his ex spouse and ex best friend are living the life. My friends ex got married to another rich guy and his ex best friend got married to a beautiful rich girl and their business sky rocketed net worth grew at least 10 fold.


At the same time my friend gets screwed at every corner. Its like bad luck one after the other.

Seeing all these the friend of mine is on the verge of giving up on islam. Usually I am not the kind to interfere in peoples personal choices but i feel that time I should


This friend of mine says he went to several islamic forum and complained about his situation and all he was told is to have patience and do more ruza and sadaqah. That just enraged him even more I don't want to follow that path. If you people are kind enough to give me some advice on how to deal with his from an islamic approach please feel free to share your thoughts.


Please if anyone has any methods

Sounds like someone needs reminding that they need to count their blessings. If anything this situation is supposed to have made him humble... not move him away from Islam!

Despite my ongoing calamities and me mentally facing my own demons daily,.......

When I see someone disabled... I always say Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Illayhi Rajioon.... I am reminded that I am lucky that I am not disabled.

When I see or hear of a tragedy... I say Alhamdulillah, May Allah swt save me from such events

Every morning I wake up, I say Alhamdulillah, Allah swt has let me live another day.... I have heard multiple stories of people in my community and even a first cousin who went to sleep and didn't wake up... they were young people...

When ever I indulge in something or make use of my freedom, I say Alhamdulillah I am not in Jail. (I know what it feels like, trust me!)

Whenever I pray I say Alhamdulillah, Allah swt has given me the thowfiq to perform ablution, given me many quarters in my house (my household is not full!) where I can pray in the warmth and peace and in comfort... the physical ability to pray.... not everyone has it, the disabled do not, the elderly cant even go down to sujood.... they are sittin on folde-able chairs in the masjid, it is inevitable we will alll most likely end up in their situation some day...

Every journey I make in my old car, I say Alhamdulillah, my car still runs efficiently and gets me from A to B comfortably and reliably...

Imagine I didn't have any of that? What would I depend on then?

Needless to say, we could be put into position where we realise our blessings and privelages once they are taken from us. We all know that can happen at any time, it can happen in a split second if it is willed by Allah swt.

Brother needs to self help / needs to help himself, accept islam and everything in it, he may watch youtube videos by Yasmin Mogahed, Omar Suleiman, NAK, Mufti Sheikh Menk, Yasir Qadhi... for guidance and wisdoms on why everything is happening now, how we can change qadr and how to build our expectations in the afterlife.
some 'said' speakers do have criticisms in the international community so dont have a go at me for that, however most of their advice and actions i say 95%+ of their content is 100% helpful in understanding the journey of a muslim and benefits us if we understand the wisdoms based on Quran and Hadeeth, just a disclaimer in advance ....

hope this helps, Jazak Allah Khair.

 

[المدينه]

Sounds like someone needs reminding that they need to count their blessings. If anything this situation is supposed to have made him humble... not move him away from Islam!

Despite my ongoing calamities and me mentally facing my own demons daily,.......

When I see someone disabled... I always say Inna Lillahi Wa Inna Illayhi Rajioon.... I am reminded that I am lucky that I am not disabled.

When I see or hear of a tragedy... I say Alhamdulillah, May Allah swt save me from such events

Every morning I wake up, I say Alhamdulillah, Allah swt has let me live another day.... I have heard multiple stories of people in my community and even a first cousin who went to sleep and didn't wake up... they were young people...

When ever I indulge in something or make use of my freedom, I say Alhamdulillah I am not in Jail. (I know what it feels like, trust me!)

Whenever I pray I say Alhamdulillah, Allah swt has given me the thowfiq to perform ablution, given me many quarters in my house (my household is not full!) where I can pray in the warmth and peace and in comfort... the physical ability to pray.... not everyone has it, the disabled do not, the elderly cant even go down to sujood.... they are sittin on folde-able chairs in the masjid, it is inevitable we will alll most likely end up in their situation some day...

Every journey I make in my old car, I say Alhamdulillah, my car still runs efficiently and gets me from A to B comfortably and reliably...

Imagine I didn't have any of that? What would I depend on then?

Needless to say, we could be put into position where we realise our blessings and privelages once they are taken from us. We all know that can happen at any time, it can happen in a split second if it is willed by Allah swt.

Brother needs to self help / needs to help himself, accept islam and everything in it, he may watch youtube videos by Yasmin Mogahed, Omar Suleiman, NAK, Mufti Sheikh Menk, Yasir Qadhi... for guidance and wisdoms on why everything is happening now, how we can change qadr and how to build our expectations in the afterlife.
some 'said' speakers do have criticisms in the international community so dont have a go at me for that, however most of their advice and actions i say 95%+ of their content is 100% helpful in understanding the journey of a muslim and benefits us if we understand the wisdoms based on Quran and Hadeeth, just a disclaimer in advance ....

hope this helps, Jazak Allah Khair.

Thank you brother, because this is something I also need to hear.

May Allah bless you and your family with all the goodness you deserve in this life and the next. And may he keep us all humble and grateful for our blessings

 

[manofIslam]

aren't you a delight to speak too. Thank god most people who spread islam all over the world were not harsh like you. Its because of harsh people like you we are so torn apart.

I really hope Allah tests you and all the folks who tell others to stay clam during calamities to the extreme and shows us how you folks endure it.

are you aware of verses of Quran coming down when a woman complain that her husband had called her like his mother?


Yes people blame islam because of qadr and many other things, unfortunately we shouldn't be expecting help from people like you. In my opinion its because of people like who give the cold shoulder to others a lot of people are moving away from religion. After all you also agree with people like Mountains (which could be your alter ego) that spews' baseless and very daft conspiracy theories.


If you don't have anything nice to contribute please refrain.

How rude of you, Brother Ashraf!! Astaghfirullah!!

 

[keiv]

aren't you a delight to speak too. Thank god most people who spread islam all over the world were not harsh like you. Its because of harsh people like you we are so torn apart.

I really hope Allah tests you and all the folks who tell others to stay clam during calamities to the extreme and shows us how you folks endure it.

are you aware of verses of Quran coming down when a woman complain that her husband had called her like his mother?


Yes people blame islam because of qadr and many other things, unfortunately we shouldn't be expecting help from people like you. In my opinion its because of people like who give the cold shoulder to others a lot of people are moving away from religion. After all you also agree with people like Mountains (which could be your alter ego) that spews' baseless and very daft conspiracy theories.


If you don't have anything nice to contribute please refrain.

So, your answer to me being “harsh” when I offer advice is to insult me as well as make dua for me to suffer? Is irony and hypocrisy the new norm around here these days?

Alhamdulillah, every calamity and rough situation I’ve been through has only strengthened my deen, not the other way around. Keep ‘hoping’ for me and other Muslims to suffer through extreme calamities and inshaAllah may Allah reward us even more for being steadfast in our deen ameen.