help with troubled sister

[straightpath1]

Asalaam Alaikum,<br>
<br>
<br>
I need some advice on how to deal with a situation im having with my little sister. My lil sis just started college, and for like the past few months iv noticed she got a lot attitude towards my family members. She gets mad at us easily and especailly adoids and ignores me. Whenever I want to talk to her or check up on her she tells me to leave, she has a lock on her door and never opens it to me. I literally have to stand there for over 10 mins before she opens the door and tells me to leave. I am very upset with her behaviour, I noticed when she goes to college in the moring she wears some make up and I told her not to then she says "well my friend wears it to I can If I want". Also, I hate that she wears tight clothes, no hijab, although I dont force her to wear a hijab, I hate seeing her in tight clothes and make up. But whenever I try to talk to her about it she gives me attitude and does not listen. I try to tell her nicely and try to show her its not allowed in Islam, but no she thinks im attacking her and she has really now turned against me. Also, recenenlty since she started college, I noticed she added this boy on her Facebook and it literally made me so upset. I even asked her if she spoke to any ppl in her class or made new friends and she said yea I met two girls, but on her fb page i saw this dude added only. I asked her about him and she said he goes to her college and she dosnt care about him, he jus added her. I told her to delete him, that she does not need to talk to boys in college there are enough girls in campus and in class if she needs help. What I hate most is that this boy is non muslim and I went on his fb page and he seems like a flirt and not good. Im so scared and worried I reallly do not want her to talk to him even if its just about school. Plus she has pics of herself up which she wont take off. So when i told her to dlt him she didnt and on top of that yesterday i saw he posted a happy birthday message on her fb and I freak out that i commented on the post saying "who r u talking to my sis" and when my sis saw it she got soooooo mad at me. I dlted the comment and felt bad but now she is mad at me and I even tried to apologize but now she wont talk to me. I tried and my parents tried but now shes even more against me than before and dsnt want anything to do with me. I dont know what to do. How do I talk to her, Im actually kinda scared to talk to her again. <br>
<br>
My sis is a nice, shy girl,, she only has one friend who wears a hijab. My sis is not the type to drink, party and never dated before. However, Im reallly scared that the way she is acting and going against the family that she will go down the wrong path and esp with this boy in her college; Im afraid he will try to do something to her. SHe prays sometimes, when I ask her to pray she is like okay, makes some excuses then goes to pray. She is not very religious. I dont know why she got mad at me over some stupid college boy, and why she is ignoring me. I need advice on how to talk to her and get her to stop giving me attitude, to get this boy of her fb and to make her start wearing loose clothing. Please help me, she is realy pretty MashAllah and im scared that these boys in her college will come after her and that she may go down the wrong path. I really need advice on how to change her and make her more pious. Thanks.

 

[Muhammad]

:wasalamex,

A member wishes to pass on their advice:

I cannot post in the Advice and Support section, but if I could give any advice to sister straightpath it would be not to alienate her sister.

However much she worries about her sister, it is important to remain a rapport with her - to be able to talk to each other and listen to each other.
A direct example would be not to be too heavy-handed on the facebook page. At least while she is her sister's facebook friend she can see who posts what on her sister's page.
If her sister decides to 'unfriend her', she will not have any knowledge of what's going on)

It's a difficult path to tread and it may seem like it's 'not enough'... but I think losing her sister's trust would be worse in the long run.

 

[~Zaria~]

Asalaam Alaikum,<br>
<br>
<br>
I need some advice on how to deal with a situation im having with my little sister. My lil sis just started college, and for like the past few months iv noticed she got a lot attitude towards my family members. She gets mad at us easily and especailly adoids and ignores me. Whenever I want to talk to her or check up on her she tells me to leave, she has a lock on her door and never opens it to me. I literally have to stand there for over 10 mins before she opens the door and tells me to leave. I am very upset with her behaviour, I noticed when she goes to college in the moring she wears some make up and I told her not to then she says "well my friend wears it to I can If I want". Also, I hate that she wears tight clothes, no hijab, although I dont force her to wear a hijab, I hate seeing her in tight clothes and make up. But whenever I try to talk to her about it she gives me attitude and does not listen. I try to tell her nicely and try to show her its not allowed in Islam, but no she thinks im attacking her and she has really now turned against me. Also, recenenlty since she started college, I noticed she added this boy on her Facebook and it literally made me so upset. I even asked her if she spoke to any ppl in her class or made new friends and she said yea I met two girls, but on her fb page i saw this dude added only. I asked her about him and she said he goes to her college and she dosnt care about him, he jus added her. I told her to delete him, that she does not need to talk to boys in college there are enough girls in campus and in class if she needs help. What I hate most is that this boy is non muslim and I went on his fb page and he seems like a flirt and not good. Im so scared and worried I reallly do not want her to talk to him even if its just about school. Plus she has pics of herself up which she wont take off. So when i told her to dlt him she didnt and on top of that yesterday i saw he posted a happy birthday message on her fb and I freak out that i commented on the post saying "who r u talking to my sis" and when my sis saw it she got soooooo mad at me. I dlted the comment and felt bad but now she is mad at me and I even tried to apologize but now she wont talk to me. I tried and my parents tried but now shes even more against me than before and dsnt want anything to do with me. I dont know what to do. How do I talk to her, Im actually kinda scared to talk to her again. <br>
<br>
My sis is a nice, shy girl,, she only has one friend who wears a hijab. My sis is not the type to drink, party and never dated before. However, Im reallly scared that the way she is acting and going against the family that she will go down the wrong path and esp with this boy in her college; Im afraid he will try to do something to her. SHe prays sometimes, when I ask her to pray she is like okay, makes some excuses then goes to pray. She is not very religious. I dont know why she got mad at me over some stupid college boy, and why she is ignoring me. I need advice on how to talk to her and get her to stop giving me attitude, to get this boy of her fb and to make her start wearing loose clothing. Please help me, she is realy pretty MashAllah and im scared that these boys in her college will come after her and that she may go down the wrong path. I really need advice on how to change her and make her more pious. Thanks.

:wa: sister,


JazakAllahu khayrun for sharing your story and seeking advise for this matter.


Its always difficult to watch a family member/ loved one follow a path that we know is against islamic teachings and that only promises loss in this life and in the next.
As you may have realized, very often, irrespective of the type of advise that we may offer, it may fall on deaf ears - and results in more tensions and anger between family members.

The reasons for this could be a combination of:
- Your sister is going through young adulthood - with new found independence and freedom (being at college), and the notion that she is an 'adult', and should thus be free to make her own decisions.

- Peer pressure at campus - to dress in a certain way, and intermingle in the manner that is acceptable by society.

- She is at the stage of life where the opposite sex, and their perceptions of her, will matter a lot more than before - unfortunately, much more than what her older sister thinks.

- Hijab, segregation between genders, the importance of observing salaah, respect for parents and family members, control over the use of social media,etc - should be a way of life that is inseperable from the family - as kids are growing up.
If these values did not feature very high in the past, then it often becomes very difficult to suddenly provide multiple levels of advice in succession, or to try to influence a persons behaviour in a short space of time.

- It often occurs that we may try to provide the best advice to our family members - but they do not heed.
Yet when the very same advice is provided by another person, they may decide to follow it.
Sometimes, it may boil down to the manner in which this advice is provided to the person, or the fact that they respect the authority from whom the information is received.


In relation to the above, I would suggest the following in shaa Allah:

1. It would be a good idea to get your parents involved, and try to indirectly raise these concerns with them. Depending on how seriously they regard these issues, they may decide to act on your concerns.

Ideally (and most importantly), your sister should be given an 'ultimatum' (by your parents):
That if she wants the privilege of studying in a mixed enviroment, then she needs to show that she is responsible as a young muslim women - by adopting proper hijab, not intermingling beyond necessary limits with males, etc
In other words, she needs to understand that as much as education is important......what is even more important is our deen.

If she is not willing to make these efforts, then she should be removed from this mixed enviroment, and perhaps a course/ degree can be pursued from home.

There is no benefit in sacrificing ones deen for the sake of this dunya.


2. Invite her to attend islamic seminars/ talks/ ladies halaqas, etc.
If you have friends who may also have a positive impact on her (in the manner that they dress and relate to others), then include her in your outings together.
Replace TV programmes with islamic lectures and recitation of quraan in your home.
^ In these small ways, her micro-enviroment will change to one that is more focussed on deen, and in shaa Allah, this will be a means of influencing her behaviour. She may also be more receptive to hearing an aalim speak about the importance hijab, etc. than to hear the same advise being provided by members of her immediate family.

3. If you do not live close to a masjid (so that azaan is audible), then if possible, invest in an azaan clock for your home/ install an azaan app on your phone (just remember to place on mute when going to the toilet).
In this way, this can serve as daily reminders to the entire family when it is time for salaah - and try to encourage everyone to leave what they are doing, and to read salaah as a family.

4. Make abundant duaa that Allah guides her in all decisions, and protects her from the fitnahs of this dunya.

5. Realize that the best that we can do for our loved ones is to offer advice and to try to direct them towards the goodness that Islam has to offer.
Ultimately, there needs to be an internal desire to change ones way of life - and this only arises once there is recognition of Allah and His greatness, and when there is a desire to seek His pleasure in all matters.


:wa:

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaam Alaikum,<br>
<br>
<br>
I need some advice on how to deal with a situation im having with my little sister. My lil sis just started college, and for like the past few months iv noticed she got a lot attitude towards my family members. She gets mad at us easily and especailly adoids and ignores me. Whenever I want to talk to her or check up on her she tells me to leave, she has a lock on her door and never opens it to me. I literally have to stand there for over 10 mins before she opens the door and tells me to leave. I am very upset with her behaviour, I noticed when she goes to college in the moring she wears some make up and I told her not to then she says "well my friend wears it to I can If I want". Also, I hate that she wears tight clothes, no hijab, although I dont force her to wear a hijab, I hate seeing her in tight clothes and make up. But whenever I try to talk to her about it she gives me attitude and does not listen. I try to tell her nicely and try to show her its not allowed in Islam, but no she thinks im attacking her and she has really now turned against me. Also, recenenlty since she started college, I noticed she added this boy on her Facebook and it literally made me so upset. I even asked her if she spoke to any ppl in her class or made new friends and she said yea I met two girls, but on her fb page i saw this dude added only. I asked her about him and she said he goes to her college and she dosnt care about him, he jus added her. I told her to delete him, that she does not need to talk to boys in college there are enough girls in campus and in class if she needs help. What I hate most is that this boy is non muslim and I went on his fb page and he seems like a flirt and not good. Im so scared and worried I reallly do not want her to talk to him even if its just about school. Plus she has pics of herself up which she wont take off. So when i told her to dlt him she didnt and on top of that yesterday i saw he posted a happy birthday message on her fb and I freak out that i commented on the post saying "who r u talking to my sis" and when my sis saw it she got soooooo mad at me. I dlted the comment and felt bad but now she is mad at me and I even tried to apologize but now she wont talk to me. I tried and my parents tried but now shes even more against me than before and dsnt want anything to do with me. I dont know what to do. How do I talk to her, Im actually kinda scared to talk to her again. <br>
<br>
My sis is a nice, shy girl,, she only has one friend who wears a hijab. My sis is not the type to drink, party and never dated before. However, Im reallly scared that the way she is acting and going against the family that she will go down the wrong path and esp with this boy in her college; Im afraid he will try to do something to her. SHe prays sometimes, when I ask her to pray she is like okay, makes some excuses then goes to pray. She is not very religious. I dont know why she got mad at me over some stupid college boy, and why she is ignoring me. I need advice on how to talk to her and get her to stop giving me attitude, to get this boy of her fb and to make her start wearing loose clothing. Please help me, she is realy pretty MashAllah and im scared that these boys in her college will come after her and that she may go down the wrong path. I really need advice on how to change her and make her more pious. Thanks.

Asalaamu Alaikum, Jazkallahu Khayr for sharing your issues with us. My sister what we must realise is that we cannot "change" anyone and make them "pious". Only Allah can change the hearts and give guidance. In this case you are not seen as an authority in your sisters eyes. Therefore you must get those who are seen as authoritative figures - your parents. The reason why I am telling you to get them involved is firstly your sister is their daughter and their responsibility. They are her caretakers. If you hide the truth from them then they will regret the fact that they could have acted earlier if they knew.

I have been through the education system through the west and let me tell you it is extremely difficult due to the significant amount of fitnah that takes places. particularly at college. Your sister is young and naïve. It is inevitable that if she continues the way she is going that she will eventually fall prey into major sin. This is because there are many more predators in our colleges and Universities than ever before. On top of that peer pressure from those around to conform to certain ideals and these ideals are none other than to commit major sins like to "date the opposite sex", go out clubbing and indulge in intoxication. Therefore if you want to save your sister from this then save her from going to such places in the first place.

The first thing you must do is inform your parents. It is their right to know and to take care of their daughter. You must also be the best example unto her and continue to give her dawah by giving her many reminders of death and the Hereafter in text messages, e mails and in person by putting on lectures etc. Give dawah sparingly as you do not want to dilute the weight of your words.

May Allah guide her and all of us. Ameen