Assalamu alaikum,
THANKYou all for you advices makes me feel someone else does care...
She has repeatedly told him that she wants a seperate dwelling to her husband but doesn't seem to want to compromise...He told her that she should be patient because she is very sick (she has gone through quite a lot) and she has the right to say these things...she isnt exactly in a normal state because of meds and operations...that she needs to appreciate what she has...
She didnt say he was wrong but overall disagrees because she says there is a limitation to everything and doesnt want to burden on everyone else..most of all wants her children to grow up in a healthy & positive enviroment....thats their right...she thinks everyone would become appriciate everything more if they moved out...
She is very aware about the childs outburst and demands but what can she do...she cant let him scream, from left or right someone else comes and intervines and says something...there is a complaint...she feels if she doesnt tell the child off then everyone in the house will tell her to control him or how bad he is or she dont tell him off or they say our mum is sick she cant stand it ...It hurts so much but she keeps it all inside...Thats why she told me about it because i think she cant controll her anger much longer because its been a while... she starting to give the impression shes angry with them...she doesnt want to cause anything bad in relations...
There is a lot of negativity...
The child cant come downstairs without been told not to touch the window or the table because it will need to be cleaned again...she told me the other day that she(mother of the child) never tells her child to stop touching the table (made with a glass top) and she never cleans it...i dont think they relise it doesn't matter how many times you clean anything it will get dirty especially with kids...He gets told off for the smallest thing and no one else in the house shows him to do things they prefer instead they tell him nonono....
They make him look like the worse child...compaired to other kids and they dont relise it but they make her feel like a bad mother too with there choice of words...
She has become very depressed and paranoid...she feels all her judgements and based on what others want rather whats best for them because she feels pressure to do so...
Her owns parents dont come to the house because of these reasons..
When they gets upset everyone elses blames that its because of her child...or the mum spoils him too much when is misbehaving...
humza81 you sound like the child health nurse.... r u one brother?
I will tell her to try this naughty chair again... problem been he get told off the smallest things even opening the cupboard because it makes a bang noise when she shuts it or sometimes he doesnt and they just see him open it and he gets told off for opening it...the sick one doesnt like it.
Her judgement is that she thinks that the childs behaviour that he has developed is because he is told he is consistedly told that he is bad or wrong or something on those lines. he cant do anything right or is deprived of doing things he should be deprived of...
Her dreams is her own dwelling...then she feels that she can be a better person, a better mother and a better wife...
Maybe it has to do with the finances because they are paying food bills and porportion of the house...maybe her husband doesnt want to leave his mother because he wants to look like that one of the sons that will stay and care for her...he hasnt been that supported of her when she had the children in the first place... she went into depression and he didnt seem to really GET it if you know what i mean...She cant get a clear understanding as to why they cant get there own place....
Does anyone have any shariah ruling on the womens right of obtaining a place of her own?
Her husband doesnt let her leave the house without himself going with her and the kids...
I think im her only friend...when she reverted her friends didnt support her decisions...although she does know some people but they are the husbands family friends...she cant talk to them...:nervous:
Her in laws are nice people...dont get me wrong but are not really reflecting on any of their behaviour...
She has become very snappy...very moody...
I know Allah swt has blessed her with a lot of patience...:statisfie
Thankyou for all your advice...It is a difficult issue...anything more you want to add would be greatly appreciated...
Thanks for all the links...too...
P>S> This is my first thread LOL!:statisfie
Asalaamu Alaikum, no my sister i am not a child health nurse but i have watched a lot of programmes about dealing with child behaviour and also from knowledge and experience of the world.
The best thing that any of us can advise you regarding the womens situation is that she have a very serious talk with her husband telling her that she cannot take it anymore and the fact that she is living with inlaws in such a cramped space where the child cannot move around freely is adding to her stress.
Her husband is not blind and he should be able to establish that this situation is stressing his wife out and that they should certasinly move out where they can have their own space and private life within the confines of their own home rather than having to live in someone elses house and live under their rules and not have any proper space of their own in order to bring up their child properly. This stress is going to also affect the child in a detrimental way. She should really stress to her husband that she cannot tolerate this anymore and for the sake of her health and the well being of the child they should move out as soon as is possible.
Consider this fatwa which you should also hand over the the women concerned so she can show it to her husband:
In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,
The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.
These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.
The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.
For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.
However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.
Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.
Question: The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’
Coming to your question, In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.
Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:
“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”
The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:
“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.
Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).
Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:
“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).
So what about the other family members?
If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.
If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house”
(Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).
In Conclusion
In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.
And Allah knows best
Sheikh Mufti Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, UK
Source: http://qa.sunnipath.com/issue_view.asp?HD=1&ID=273&CATE=87
