How does Marriage Work?

[Jalal~]

I always wondered how this worked. One question that came to my mind was:

1. How does an individual decide whether or not the other person will be a good life-long partner when you cannot talk, look, or have an intimate relationship with him/her before marriage? I always feel that if i get married to someone, i will only find out their true nature, their true character, or basically what is really inside that persons heart after marriage. I mean, you cant really be certain that a person has a good personality, has good character, and has a good religious background just by hearing what other people say and taking quick glances that shouldn't be taken. Maybe they are just doing it to show off or something to make society have a good impression on them or something.

I see many sisters on various forums posting how they thought they got married to the religious guy, but then he ended up not being religious and ended up divorcing their spouse and going through a lot of drama. This is something that frightens me and it is something i do not want to go through Insha Allah and i know many people want to find the right partner on their first try as well.

And please remember, this is just for my own knowledge and for your knowledge; I'm not assuming that everyone's marriage ends up in the dumps, i know their have been millions of successful couples out their who have found the right partner, I'm just wondering "how" they found their partner.
Jazakumullah Khair

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

wa Alaaykum As'Salaam

Well, through a wali..

And then both ask each other questions regarding what they want to know about each other at a meeting, this takes upto few meetings sometimes, some people feel content through the first meeting and also perform ishtikarah if they are unsure about something and also if they want to.

So basically if a brother is interested in a sister he should contact her wali instead of speaking with her in person/alone. At the meeting you can ask all questions you want being answered. For a sister i think if she was interested she would probably give her wali's details to the brother, this can be done through another sister or i think a wali or another way i at the moment im not completely aware of, so i hope someone else gives you a good answer.

Also its not just about religion, though that is priority but also if there are other things which would be a bonus for many individuals out there as stated in hadeeth such as beauty, wealth, status and religion, to marry one who is good in her religion should be a priority.

"A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Saheeh Muslim)

If there is something i missed out, i hope someone can advice you insha'Allaah...

 

[ProudMuslimSis]

It is interesting the US has the highest divorce rate even though most Americans can talk and have intimate relationships before marriage. So, that is not the answer!
I would recommend following the quote that sister Jεώel oғ ωïѕdoм's presents above.

World Divorce Rates
"The US began keeping fairly careful statistics on divorce beginning in 1867. From 1867-1929, the number of divorces steadily increased, from 9,937 in 1867, to 201,468 in 1929."During this time, the population of the US increased from 37 to 122 million, so the divorce rate per 100,000 population increased six fold, from 26.8 to 165​

---

• The US has the world's highest divorce rate, bar none--twice as high as the next highest country (Sweden) and 50 times higher than some countries.​
• It increased 50 fold since the feminists met in Seneca Falls, 40% in just one year in California, it paralleled a four fold increase in federal spending as a percent of GDP, & it gave us the world's highest incarceration rate​
• Professor John Lott proved that the Nineteenth Amendment is the sole reason for the "unexplained" rapid growth of government which destabilized families and increased divorce and illegitimacy.​
• Each 100 additional divorces worldwide causes two additional suicides, one additional murder, 6 additional rapes, 33 additional armed robberies, and puts another 100 men in prison.​
• Twelve scholarly studies prove that divorce increases the premature mortality rates of fathers, mothers, and the children of divorce.​
• It is feminists and public servants who are morally responsible for this reprehensible social policy.​

Source http://www.members.xoom.com/fmanifesto/divorceworld.xls
​

 

[Jalal~]

Jazakumullah Khair for all the replies. And just to clarify, we ask the wali of the woman if we want to marry someone, not the woman herself, correcto?

 

[Riana17]

Salam Alaikkum

Brother even if many people tells you this person is good or so good, or if you are Non Muslim and dated a woman for so long, you might end up in divorce.

There are 3 very important things you have to remember before marriage,
1. is your niyyah or intention, you are gonna marry for the sake of Allah and that whomever your life partner, you will be good or extra good to her to please Allah

I am an average woman and my husband is an honest person: You will not look for very religious woman, you have to see 2Qualities for you to be able to survive a successful Marriage
1. She must be peaceful & understanding - peace is important than love, there are many marriage starts without love and they are crazy with each other later on, because they BLEND together
2. Woman who is not material - no further comments

I hope this helps you, because my husband always tells me, he is inlove with me not for my monkey look but because I am peaceful and not material, similarly I heard that from many people too & I've seen lots of marriage.

So until you live with someone on the same room for a year, then you can see her moods, like me, I do not cook, I am sometimes lazy etc but we survive.

On a woman's part, I appreciate a HUSBAND who has huge patience, handling woman is alot harder than taking care of baby. Two, a man who focus on his own family, I dont like man with addiction (sports or friends addict), I like the man to be home but I dont stop him going out with family or friends once a week. and 3 - HE MUST NOT BE CONTROLLING, WOMAN WILL FOLLOW AND BELIEVE A MAN WHO DOES NOT CONTROL

On top of all, BOTH MUST be aware of ALLAH, then inshallah small small thing will be covered by most pointed parts.

This is my personal opinion brother, because I am married myself. and alhamdollelah, cannot ask for more.

 

[ardianto]

Same like you, I also found in few forums, some sisters thought they got married to good guy, but after several months they found their husbands are actually different. Those who looked like religious are actually not religious, those who looked like had good responsibility actually are lazy.

But bro, if you notice, cases like these usually happened not in arranged marriage but in love marriage which the women could chose their spouses by themselves. They were attracted by good character of men who they meet, and they thought "yes, he can be a good husband for me".

Let me reveal a secret. Men are able to hide their bad sides and expose only their good sides when they try to attract women. It's like and acting. Their goal is to get those women, and after they have married they start to stop their acting because they think they have got what they want.

But sisters do not need to worry because only few men who use this ability. Men usually like to show their true character because they know what is the risk if their wives feel disappointed to them.

Okay, now about your question. I guess, you are asking about marriage which the groom and the bride did not have relationship before. And would marriage like this work ?. Why not ! as long as they accept their life partners sincerely (not because their families forced them) they will start a new relationship. And like people in my ethnic say "Witing tresno jalaran seko kulino " (love comes from togetherness), soon or later love will comes within them.

And what we must do in our marriage life ?

- Accept our life partner advantage and disadvantage. Remember, nobody perfect, we are too.
- Learn how to be a good person for our life partner and treat our life partner nicely. Do not ever force our life partner to follow what we want.
- Try to understand our life partner and give a freedom to our life partner to be themselves. Remember, she/he has her/his own character and personality. We don't need to force them to turn into our ideal.
- Learn what are duties of husband and wives, and what are right of husband/wive.
- Do not ever let other people to intervene our marriage life. Many divorce cases were happened because intervention by other people.

Remember, marriage is not relationship which one dominate another, but a relationship which both parties are equal with their own duties and their own right.

Jazakumullah Khair for all the replies. And just to clarify, we ask the wali of the woman if we want to marry someone, not the woman herself, correcto?

You would marry the woman, not her wali. So, you must ask the woman too. But the best way is ask her in front of her wali, and make sure she gives a honest answer. It's for prevent her wali force her to marry you.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Wa Alaikum Asalaam

I always wondered how this worked. One question that came to my mind was:

1. How does an individual decide whether or not the other person will be a good life-long partner when you cannot talk, look, or have an intimate relationship with him/her before marriage? I always feel that if i get married to someone, i will only find out their true nature, their true character, or basically what is really inside that persons heart after marriage. I mean, you cant really be certain that a person has a good personality, has good character, and has a good religious background just by hearing what other people say and taking quick glances that shouldn't be taken. Maybe they are just doing it to show off or something to make society have a good impression on them or something.

No one needs intimacy with someone in order to "know them" or to know if they are the "one". Most relationships before marriage where intimacy is involved usually ends causing pain, anguish and scarring.

Without a doubt the majority of such relationships end before marriage and even if they get to marriage are riddled with problems. This is because those relationship do not have peace and blessings in them for Allah only blesses a persons pursuit for mariage if they go about it in the right way within the boundaries of Islam.

You just have to look at the atrocious divorce rates of the west to know that such relationships are not the cause of a successful marriage hence why the west has the highest divorce rates in the world.

Such relationships are the breeding grounds of promiscuity and much of the cause of using and abusing of the person involved in the relationship. Sexual relationships are also the cause of atrociously high abortion rates in the west particularly in the UK amongst teenage girls where the figures are actually worrying the government because it is rapidly increasing.

Such relationships are also the cause of the rapidly increasing rate of sexually transmitted diseases. So there is only harm from such a relationship and only good in going about marriage in the right manner within the boundaries of Islam from which there is peace and blessings.

In order to know if a person is "right" you do not need to get to know them for months on end, This is the work of shaythan who wants to make a person think in such a way so they get to know the person alone without the presence of any mahram and eventually end up committing Zina with that person.

All you need to do is ask the right questions and have a few meetings and also ask others and do a bit of research. Most of all ask of Allah sincerely that if this person is right for me then let the marriage go ahead and if they are not right for me then let the marrige not go ahead.

I see many sisters on various forums posting how they thought they got married to the religious guy, but then he ended up not being religious and ended up divorcing their spouse and going through a lot of drama. This is something that frightens me and it is something i do not want to go through Insha Allah and i know many people want to find the right partner on their first try as well.

As mentioned above the best way to go about the pursuit of marriage is in the right way within the boundaries of Islam. This filters out those who are not genuine from those who are genuine. Most of the time when a girl or boy get into a relationship they become "blind" to eachothers flaws,faults and deceptions. They end up living in a bubble together on dream land and if they do end up getting married then reality hits them hard but by the it is too late.

But if a person goes about the pursuit for marriage in the right manner through their mahrams and family and NOT talking alone without the presence of their mahram or shaythan who is actually the third person involved in interactions between a couple who talk alone then a person will not develop anyf feelings which will make them blind to the person and as such most of the cases you have mentioned would be avoided but those people end up learning the hard way.

And please remember, this is just for my own knowledge and for your knowledge; I'm not assuming that everyone's marriage ends up in the dumps, i know their have been millions of successful couples out their who have found the right partner, I'm just wondering "how" they found their partner.
Jazakumullah Khair

A person ONLY finds their partner by Allah's approval. If a couple went about it in the wrong manner then they will find much problems and anguish but if a couple went about it in the right manner then most of the time they will find much peace and blessings and even after hardship they will feel peace and tranquility.

Marriage is a team effort and it takes a lot of hard work and commitment. It is not all a bed of roses. The honey moon perioud ends quickly and many trials will follow. But as long as the couple have an understanding and respect each others rights and keep the doors of communication open then they will have an overall successful mariage inshallah.

And just to clarify, we ask the wali of the woman if we want to marry someone, not the woman herself, correcto?

Yes Islamically one must go through the wali of the women or at least her appointed wali. You can talk to her through her wali or at least whilst the wali is present. Ifyou are interested in a women then get your parents, mother, sister, aunty etc to contact her to ask her of your interest. From there if she is interested then she will give her walis number and you can get a member of your parents to call their family and set up a meeting or if she wants to ask initial questions then she can do so either through her wali or whilst he is present. For example if you both wanted to ask each other questions then you can e mail each other with her mahram CC'd into your conversations.

Or if you want to talk to her o the phone then this can also be done whilst her mahram is on the other line or the phone is on loudspeaker so everyone can here. Or you can even have meetings with her at her home or anywhere else like a cafe as long as her mahram is present with her at all times and at no point must the both of you be alone otherwise you have given shaythan permission to enter into your interactions.

If you need to get referances from other people then your family or you can do some investigation and ask others about her and her family but in a polite and proper manner and not in a decieving way. If you hear anything bad then you must never go and reveal it to anyone.

One other thing that must be mentioned is that there is no such thing as an engagement in Islam. Just because a couple are engaged to marry it does not mean they are permissable for each other or that it is acceptable to talk for it is not. ONLY after nikah is it permissable for a couple to interact alone and be with each other.

After your initial meetings, questions etc then consult with your family and if you are sure you want to marry her then go ahead and do so but if you are unsure then you should make isthikhara a few times until you recieve any inclination. You do not have to do isthikhara if you are 100% sure but if you are unsure then you should do so.

So go about your pursuit for marriage in the right manner no matter and have full faith in Allah and ask of him to find you the best partner for you in this life who will help you on your journey to Paradise.

Who finds us our partners? ALLAH. So surely if we go about finding a partner in the way that pleases Allah then will he not find us the best partners for us and give us peace and blessings? OF COURSE!

So whatever happens ask of Allah sincerely and whatever will happen, will happen for the best. Not all marriages will work out and it maybe that a person goes about marriage in the right manner but things still did not work out. Thta happens in life. It mjaybe for the best in the long run or it maybe lessons we can learn from it. Allah knows best. But there is no doubt that if a person goes about marriage in the right manner in a way that will please Allah and it is within the boundaries of Islam then they have the best chance of finding the right partner and havig a successful marriage inshallah.

May Allah give us all happy and successful marriage and help us through trials and hardships to get through them. Ameen

 

[Jalal~]

Jazakumullah Khair, these posts are very informative and beneficial. Who could have thought not having a relationship before marriage is actually better for you? Islam is the way of life

 

[gladTidings]

I believe your life partner will be part of your destiny. Some people will find their spouse to be a disappointment after marriage even whilst having a relationship with them before marriage. Others will find their perfect partner in their relationship after marriage even if he/she appears not to be what someone might have hoped for. For a muslim there is a huge element of trust in Allah swt, coupled with dua'a, He will make the best decision for us. He knows better what is in our hearts and minds.

When we come to define ourselves we like to think we have certain qualities and can only ever say what we *think* we are like. We do not know until we are tested. Same with any other person who may appear to be caring and honest but when put in testing situations are completely different people. Thats why Islam gives us the best of the best of humans to look up to who were tested their whole lives but remained true to their qualities. Even so that Allah swt has vouched for their truthfulness. SubhanAllah.

Sharing a life with a person who may have had totally different experiences in life to you is kind of scary still.

 

[yas2010]

Salaam

I believe that the answers you have recieved are MashAllah very beautiful. Having been married for MashAllah nearly 11 years let me add the following:

1. Put your trust in Allah (swt).

2. Pray together. InshAllah it creates harmony between you. A very good example for your children, too.

3. Trust in marriage is very important within a marriage too.

4. Don't be swayed by material wealth, and keeping up with the 'Joneses'. I have seen many marriages fail because of the demands, and i say this honestly from the wife upon the husband to keep up with friends and family. So be content.

5. Mininmise external influences. Be strong and always be united.

6. When tested by Allah ( swt) and surely we are all tested, " We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruit ( of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who paitently perserve" Surah al baqrah (19:155)

Remain paitent. Don't do the blame game and turn to Allah (swt). My experience of this was after the loss of our baby son.

My husband MashAllah, was very strong. The thing we both did and continue to do is to turn to Allah(swt) and this where our contentment lies.

Waslaam.

 

[Riana17]

Salaam

I believe that the answers you have recieved are MashAllah very beautiful. Having been married for MashAllah nearly 11 years let me add the following:

1. Put your trust in Allah (swt).

2. Pray together. InshAllah it creates harmony between you. A very good example for your children, too.

3. Trust in marriage is very important within a marriage too.

4. Don't be swayed by material wealth, and keeping up with the 'Joneses'. I have seen many marriages fail because of the demands, and i say this honestly from the wife upon the husband to keep up with friends and family. So be content.

5. Mininmise external influences. Be strong and always be united.

6. When tested by Allah ( swt) and surely we are all tested, " We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods or lives or the fruit ( of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who paitently perserve" Surah al baqrah (19:155)

Remain paitent. Don't do the blame game and turn to Allah (swt). My experience of this was after the loss of our baby son.

My husband MashAllah, was very strong. The thing we both did and continue to do is to turn to Allah(swt) and this where our contentment lies.

Waslaam.

Salam Sister Yas,
I am very sorry for your loss
I cant put myself on your shoes, I never experience death of love ones, however now I used to imagine my mom will be dead and she is not yet a Muslim, life is too fast,,, she is a good mother and I daily pray for her, inshallah, Allah will love her,,, inshallah Ya Rabb, no one else can help us but Allah and if my mom's destiny is not to be a Muslim, I would accept with lots of tears and fears.... because Allah knows best.

I am sorry again for your lost , and alhamdollelah your trust is with Allah,,, theres similar story about Muslim couple whom their slave forget to check on their twins, they were burned in chimney, but they decided to release the slave bcoz mom esp cant bear to see her anymore, later on Allah bless with them 6 wonderful children. Subhanallah they passed the test.

 

[flowergarden]

I feel that a good partner is someone like you. With the same moral, same charter... etc. I really feel the most important thing in a marriage is patience. If you find a man/women who is patience with you, than that is golden.. because you will learn from each other and teach each other... marriage isn't easy... it is most likely another job in itself.