YesNoMaybe1993
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Salaam to everyone,
I have the following I would like to share and get some advice about, because I do not (unfortunately) live in a Muslim environment where I can go to a mosque / imam or talk to any muslim friends etc. (sadly, have none where I live).
Alhamdulillah, I am blessed with a normal amount of wealth and have things I can be grateful for in terms of my senses, clothes on my body, food and drink in my stomach etc.
However, (and I won't go to deep into this) I have and still am suffering from lack off intimicacy and affection throughout my life. My dad was (and still is) never there for me, and my mom hasn't given me a easy life in terms of love and affection either. I do not have the emotional stabillity which other people within their family have and often take for granted.
I do not feel that I matter to people and have never felt like I belonged somewhere or to someone. I still remember the days where I got bullied severly in elemtary / highschool and would sit in my room and play video games all day (because i did not have friends back then). I did not have a healthy childhood and I blame my parents for this.
They were just never there for me emotionally.
Yes islam talks about being grateful for the (in my view) material things we have in life, but what about the emotional ones? What about the things in life that actually make us feel that we are human? such as love, affection, the feeling that you matter and belong somwhere? wallahi the amount of times I did actually feel this way are scarce, believe me.
Its easy to live on an island (with no one around you) and the be grateful for the material stuff. But when you walk around and observe, and see for yourself how much love and affection there exist within e.g. a family (when you go over to a friend and have dinner at her family's place) or when you see a couple walking hand and hand and smiling with love at each other (even though you come home alone and sit on the couch all by yourself) I ask you, what gratefulness can I bring myself to be? For those of you who have never had to deal with these kind of emotional hardships, alhamdulillah that Allah swt. has prevented you from feeling these unimaginable paninfull moments.
I get angry knowning that despite having to deal with all these hardships, I am called a disbeliever for being ungratefull to Allah swt (because apparently the only things in life that matter are the material stuff, and not the lack of emotional beloning, the lack of KNOWING that you are good enough, the lack of love and affection (especially by your parents, which leaves a big scar that sometimes feels it cannot be mended)).
I do not want Allah to hate me for feeling and thinking this way, but I honestly do not understand why I have been given this machine-like existence.
The amount of wealth and prosperity one aquires in this life, cannot replace the love and mercy one feels when he or she knows they are being treated like they matter and feel that they have a place where they belong and that they are good enough (for a particular person).
Also, they say that suffering sometimes occurs when one gets punished for some sin one has commited, but I cant seem to understand what I must have done wrong (as sin) for being left out feeling that I matter to my parents or why I am still single while I see people around me getting married and having a loving family of their own.
I really do not know what God wants for me. What God wants me to feel when I feel absolutely nothing anymore and becoming hopeless that my heart will ever be mended from the past hurt and trauma I have endured all these years.
(Please excuse nay spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my primary language)
Thank you for reading this.
I have the following I would like to share and get some advice about, because I do not (unfortunately) live in a Muslim environment where I can go to a mosque / imam or talk to any muslim friends etc. (sadly, have none where I live).
Alhamdulillah, I am blessed with a normal amount of wealth and have things I can be grateful for in terms of my senses, clothes on my body, food and drink in my stomach etc.
However, (and I won't go to deep into this) I have and still am suffering from lack off intimicacy and affection throughout my life. My dad was (and still is) never there for me, and my mom hasn't given me a easy life in terms of love and affection either. I do not have the emotional stabillity which other people within their family have and often take for granted.
I do not feel that I matter to people and have never felt like I belonged somewhere or to someone. I still remember the days where I got bullied severly in elemtary / highschool and would sit in my room and play video games all day (because i did not have friends back then). I did not have a healthy childhood and I blame my parents for this.
They were just never there for me emotionally.
Yes islam talks about being grateful for the (in my view) material things we have in life, but what about the emotional ones? What about the things in life that actually make us feel that we are human? such as love, affection, the feeling that you matter and belong somwhere? wallahi the amount of times I did actually feel this way are scarce, believe me.
Its easy to live on an island (with no one around you) and the be grateful for the material stuff. But when you walk around and observe, and see for yourself how much love and affection there exist within e.g. a family (when you go over to a friend and have dinner at her family's place) or when you see a couple walking hand and hand and smiling with love at each other (even though you come home alone and sit on the couch all by yourself) I ask you, what gratefulness can I bring myself to be? For those of you who have never had to deal with these kind of emotional hardships, alhamdulillah that Allah swt. has prevented you from feeling these unimaginable paninfull moments.
I get angry knowning that despite having to deal with all these hardships, I am called a disbeliever for being ungratefull to Allah swt (because apparently the only things in life that matter are the material stuff, and not the lack of emotional beloning, the lack of KNOWING that you are good enough, the lack of love and affection (especially by your parents, which leaves a big scar that sometimes feels it cannot be mended)).
I do not want Allah to hate me for feeling and thinking this way, but I honestly do not understand why I have been given this machine-like existence.
The amount of wealth and prosperity one aquires in this life, cannot replace the love and mercy one feels when he or she knows they are being treated like they matter and feel that they have a place where they belong and that they are good enough (for a particular person).
Also, they say that suffering sometimes occurs when one gets punished for some sin one has commited, but I cant seem to understand what I must have done wrong (as sin) for being left out feeling that I matter to my parents or why I am still single while I see people around me getting married and having a loving family of their own.
I really do not know what God wants for me. What God wants me to feel when I feel absolutely nothing anymore and becoming hopeless that my heart will ever be mended from the past hurt and trauma I have endured all these years.
(Please excuse nay spelling or grammar mistakes, English is not my primary language)
Thank you for reading this.
