How to control my anger?

[Studentofdeed]

I'm have been suppressing my anger for some time. But know I had enough. As I said my mosque is not a good place for me anymore. Going to jummah alone today was painful. Either I really am going crazy and losing my iman or the fitnah in the mosque is real. Among the people who used me was the imam himself. This was someone who I looked up to. At first when me and my black revert friend brought up the issue of racism to him, he sort of brushed it aside and said we were being sensitive. Then I heard from the afgani brothers that even they feel secluded and resented by the arabs in the mosque. Today in jummah I couldn't concentrate because the imam himself denied actions of racism and is covering his own people up and on top of that he uses me whenever. He made me out to be a glorified babysitter for his kids and doesnt let me study. I'm studying for my exams and he tells me there are plenty of time to study and to watch the kids.

I respected this guy and loved him sincerly for the sake of allah but the fact that he didnt once respect me or thank me for the taxing thing I did for him. It was so hard yet I still did for the sake of allah and to be a good muslim. Yet he doesnt appreciate me or me even respect me. He trusts me with his things because he knows everyone else is not honest and are liars. He only addresses issues that concern him. My family wants to go this mosque because it's the biggest. So I'm stuck but sadly I no longer have the love for the mosque and may not be shaded under the throne of allah anymore.

I was so angry that when another brother said salaam to me, I couldn't say salaam back. I feel guilty but also partly because these very same people lie and use me. I feel like there is something wrong with me when I would rather be friends with a nonmuslim because if they try to harm me , I can see it coming. These Muslim "brothers" smile and say salaam and stab you in the back. Honestly I never felt such hatred and anger and I fear I may lose control

 

[Studentofdeed]

I'm just tired of being treated as a dog and looked down on because I'm not arab. I hate feel unappreciated and not respected. I gave so much to this community and still I get treated as third class citizen

 

[M.I.A.]

I'm have been suppressing my anger for some time. But know I had enough. As I said my mosque is not a good place for me anymore. Going to jummah alone today was painful. Either I really am going crazy and losing my iman or the fitnah in the mosque is real. Among the people who used me was the imam himself. This was someone who I looked up to. At first when me and my black revert friend brought up the issue of racism to him, he sort of brushed it aside and said we were being sensitive. Then I heard from the afgani brothers that even they feel secluded and resented by the arabs in the mosque. Today in jummah I couldn't concentrate because the imam himself denied actions of racism and is covering his own people up and on top of that he uses me whenever. He made me out to be a glorified babysitter for his kids and doesnt let me study. I'm studying for my exams and he tells me there are plenty of time to study and to watch the kids.

I respected this guy and loved him sincerly for the sake of allah but the fact that he didnt once respect me or thank me for the taxing thing I did for him. It was so hard yet I still did for the sake of allah and to be a good muslim. Yet he doesnt appreciate me or me even respect me. He trusts me with his things because he knows everyone else is not honest and are liars. He only addresses issues that concern him. My family wants to go this mosque because it's the biggest. So I'm stuck but sadly I no longer have the love for the mosque and may not be shaded under the throne of allah anymore.

I was so angry that when another brother said salaam to me, I couldn't say salaam back. I feel guilty but also partly because these very same people lie and use me. I feel like there is something wrong with me when I would rather be friends with a nonmuslim because if they try to harm me , I can see it coming. These Muslim "brothers" smile and say salaam and stab you in the back. Honestly I never felt such hatred and anger and I fear I may lose control

This is the game that people play, to use each other and persue what they are after.
You either play knowingly or subconsciously.
But at the very lowest level it's just about survival, people do what they can to get through a day, a week, a month a year..
So it's not really a game.

But you do things for the sake of Allah swt.. to get closer to Allah and to earn reward, so your intent is different and the choices you make are different.

At the lowest level, your riding a bike through traffic, so when you get into a car you should at least have more awareness of bicyclists.

But only Allah swt knows how things change over time, what becomes of us and our character.

In my opinion, the first step to controlling anger is to learn that Allah swt is not in the least bit unjust.

The more clean you are in action and intent, the more likely you are to have things change.
The more fearful of Allah swt you are the more likely you are to refrain from things that are detrimental to you.

You should not be afraid of helping or offering help.
You should not be afraid of being taken advantage off.

In my opinion, if you are.. for want of a better word "pious" then allah swt will hold to account them.. aswell as you.

Rather than just you.

Well, in my opinion anyway.. you may think it deluded but I never really was any good at the game.

But I do realise today that I am usually angry with myself and the things I have done rather than others.

Inshallah hoping to keep learning and grow as a person and be better tomorrow.

The irony of developed character should not escape any of us, it is our understanding of the world aswell as the cover over our eyes.

 

[*charisma*]

Bro no offense, but you sound very self centered with your problems. You're always ranting about somebody past or present. If you only do things for the expectation that someone will do something for you in return, then don't do anything for anyone. If you have an issue with what someone said, then confront them right then and there. Make a big deal out of it because obviously it is a big deal to you. You say you're too nice and get taken advantage of, but it sounds more like you're passive aggressive and submissive. If the imam wants you to watch the kids and you feel taken advantage of, that's not racism and you're allowing yourself to get taken advantage of if you don't speak for yourself. If you truly feel there's racism going on then it needs to be brought up on a more serious level. You need to be more proactive and less reactive. You've got a very very negative vibe and maybe this is the cause of your misery. Your type of personality/character is very dangerous because you hold on to grudges for far too long and that is going to be your demise in the end. I don't mean to be so harsh, but maybe this is something you need to hear. I don't know you, I don't know the people you're around, I don't know anyone's intentions, but what I know based on your previous threads is that you internalize too much and that's not healthy. You need to find solutions, not just an outlet. You can't count on the people around you to change. You have to change.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I understand from where you are coming from. Yes I can be upset and I shouldn't expect from others but this was someone I looked up to. I said earlier, I forgave these people of the mosque and even make dua for them, but I cant help but still feel hurt. I really truly am trying to be a good muslim...I'm genuinely do like helping people...I just get hurt when I'm looked down and do not respect me....I really do like being a muslim but I apologize for giving off a negative impression. But I really wish you understood me and belive me...please keep me in your duas

 

[*charisma*]

I understand from where you are coming from. Yes I can be upset and I shouldn't expect from others but this was someone I looked up to. I said earlier, I forgave these people of the mosque and even make dua for them, but I cant help but still feel hurt. I really truly am trying to be a good muslim...I'm genuinely do like helping people...I just get hurt when I'm looked down and do not respect me

You don't feel hurt, you feel resentment. That's a big difference. If you like helping people but cannot handle the repercussions of not getting the same in return, then maybe you should help those who literally cannot give you anything in return, then you'll truly not have an excuse for feeling resentment. Secondly respect isn't given, it is earned. Imagine someone walking around doing something nice for you but you don't really notice it because it's expected of him or it's something you've gotten used to, but he sees it as a big deal. Now he feels resentment towards you but you have no idea. And he holds this grudge in his heart for years and years. How would you ever know about it if he never told you or tried to resolve it with you? Or maybe he mentioned it by passing and you thought that it's not really that big of a deal to create such a problem? Like the issues you see are probably non existant to other people because they have other big problems to worry about.

And sometimes what you do for others is seen as an expectation not as a favor, whereas you see it more as a favor than an expectation. It's about perspective. The way a person treats you, for them, maybe it's a level of respect or appreciation towards you, but you consider other types of gestures as appreciation/respect so you are unable to recognize when it is given to you or you misinterpret their actions. For example, if the imam is asking you to watch the kids maybe it's because he actually thinks you're trustworthy, reliable, and someone who the kids like to be around? Yet you just see it as he's taking advantage of you because of a negative experience you've had with him not taking what you said seriously and you internalize it as he sees you as a babysitter and not someone with legitimate concerns. I'm not saying this is the case, just giving an example. You have to let go of the past. There's no benefit. You want to be a better muslim, then you have to let go of your grudges.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I am truly am trying...but I'm so confused. How do i know who is genuine or not? Because i have such horrible experiences of being backstabbed. I'm scared and tired of being hurt. But you honestly then belive I'm not a good person? I never really thought I was selfish or bad person

 

[*charisma*]

I am truly am trying...but I'm so confused. How do i know who is genuine or not? Because i have such horrible experiences of being backstabbed. I'm scared and tired of being hurt. But you honestly then belive I'm not a good person? I never really thought I was selfish or bad person

What does genuine mean to you?

 

[Studentofdeed]

Not selfish or taking advantage of me because of my incredible low self esteem and depression. Where I constantly feel like I'm trying to make my self feel important or loved. Maybe so if I do enough good maybe allah will love me. Genuine means someone who sincerely respects and appreciates me because I'm muslim too not because I'm from this country or have this amount of income

 

[Eric H]

Greetings and peace be with you Studentofdeed;

Not selfish or taking advantage of me because of my incredible low self esteem and depression

You seem depressed because you want other people to change, and sadly in life this rarely happens. It has been said that 20% of all problems are caused by someone or something else. But the big 80% of life's problems come about by how we react to the problem, this means the majority of the solution is within your grasp most of the time. Someone may have taken advantage of you and took your two birds a while ago, that is 20% of the problem. The solution is 80% within your grasp to solve this problem. Low self esteem and depression are a choice in how you react, why should you have these feelings for the next twenty years because someone took advantage of you.

You may have misjudged the other person, we all make mistakes; but mistakes in life are a learning opportunity. We reflect on the outcome, think over what we could do if there is a similar occurrence again. Then we put the experience in our past memory and get on with life, striving to be the kind and caring person that we want to be.

The only person you have any power to change is yourself, and you can become that kinder, stronger and more caring person that you want to be. You don't have to believe me, you need to put your trust in Allah that he can help you, ask for the help to do his will.

May Allah bless you with the wisdom and strength to do his will and may he grant you peace,

Eric

 

[Mandy]

Not selfish or taking advantage of me because of my incredible low self esteem and depression. Where I constantly feel like I'm trying to make my self feel important or loved. Maybe so if I do enough good maybe allah will love me. Genuine means someone who sincerely respects and appreciates me because I'm muslim too not because I'm from this country or have this amount of income

Brother, there are bad people in this world. Some will judge others badly for no good reasons and treat them unfairly. When that happens, it is our duty as muslims to call out such injustice.

However, I doubt that everyone that you meet is selfish and wants to take advantage of you. You mentioned you have low self esteem. Might it be that this plays tricks on you? You seem to always have some injustice to denounce. Most of the time, you say that injustice is aimed at you. Don't you think it is unlikely that you are always the focus of all those?

If those people are indeed treating you badly because you are a convert, simply ignore them and find other friends. It is unlikely that everyone in your circle acts that way out of spite. Another thing to consider, maybe you unknowingly did something to give you a bad name. Is that possible?

 

[Studentofdeed]

No you are right. Not everyone in the mosque is bad but it still hurts me that I will never truly be accepted by most of them. Also sister, I was born muslim and not a revert but I didnt know about islam much growing up as my parents didn't tell me much. I was only told 2 things, pray and be good to people. But only now am I truly learning about islam and trying my best. I cut out everything that I was haram and changed my routine. Yes you guys are right that I cant change people but when it comes from the people of the mosque it makes me really sad because they know about islam as opposed to someone who doesnt really know...

I really in life just want to be a good person and help others and please Allah. Just to tell you exactly what I did for the imam so you guys can be aware and wonder if I'm truly exaggerating. He made me look after his house and water grass and plants two times a week for 3 months. I went consecutively and made sure to look at it. And when he comes back he gets involved with his arab friends and completely disregards me. This was someone i looked up to and was like my teacher and friend. He only called me from his trip to see if I was checking up on his house. Never once to see how I was doing or whatever. I know you all say dont expect from others, but if I told someone to look after my house , who is going to be spending extra gas and time I would atleast say thank you and appreciate the brother. This is what Allah says. Whoever doesn't thank the people , isnt thankful of god. The imam of all people should know. I havent been to the mosque because I dnt feel welcome there, and he hasnt once called me asking me where I am or show any sign of concern. On top of that some kid calls me a hindu the other day and people are telling me that they are making dua so I fail my grad exam so I stay in that town forever. My mother said they only want you to stay so they can keep using you. These people really bother me because they dont mind throwing their kids and using me but how many of them would actually let me marry their daughter. They always say it should be arab or from our people

 

[Mandy]

I am glad you agree with what I just wrote. I was about to update my post but you replied more quickly. I wanted to change it a bit so that I would not come out as being too strong.
I am glad you did not take my intention badly and understood I was trying to make you aware of other ways to look at the situation.


I do you know the iman would disregarded you if you stopped going to the mosque? Yes you should expect thanks for what you did. Yes it can bring the 2 of you closer. However, you should not become angry if it does not happen right away. Things happen in their own time. And from what you described, he did not DO anything. Actually, you are angry that he did nothing. I believ that is what me and the other people here have been trying to tell you. This is probably what you need to think about and how you can better yourself.


As for making duas so that you fail your exams, that is just a very nasty and bad thing to say. Duas are not for such things and certainly not to ask for evil to come to a brother. Those people should be shame of themselves and they are barely worthy of being called muslims.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I'm have been suppressing my anger for some time. But know I had enough. As I said my mosque is not a good place for me anymore. Going to jummah alone today was painful. Either I really am going crazy and losing my iman or the fitnah in the mosque is real. Among the people who used me was the imam himself. This was someone who I looked up to. At first when me and my black revert friend brought up the issue of racism to him, he sort of brushed it aside and said we were being sensitive. Then I heard from the afgani brothers that even they feel secluded and resented by the arabs in the mosque. Today in jummah I couldn't concentrate because the imam himself denied actions of racism and is covering his own people up and on top of that he uses me whenever. He made me out to be a glorified babysitter for his kids and doesnt let me study. I'm studying for my exams and he tells me there are plenty of time to study and to watch the kids.

How often do you recite Qur'an?

I respected this guy and loved him sincerly for the sake of allah but the fact that he didnt once respect me or thank me for the taxing thing I did for him. It was so hard yet I still did for the sake of allah and to be a good muslim. Yet he doesnt appreciate me or me even respect me. He trusts me with his things because he knows everyone else is not honest and are liars. He only addresses issues that concern him. My family wants to go this mosque because it's the biggest. So I'm stuck but sadly I no longer have the love for the mosque and may not be shaded under the throne of allah anymore.

Did you really do it for Allah or did you do it to receive gratitude from people?

I was so angry that when another brother said salaam to me, I couldn't say salaam back. I feel guilty but also partly because these very same people lie and use me. I feel like there is something wrong with me when I would rather be friends with a nonmuslim because if they try to harm me , I can see it coming. These Muslim "brothers" smile and say salaam and stab you in the back. Honestly I never felt such hatred and anger and I fear I may lose control

Sooo...the question you're asking is 'how do I control my anger'?

The short answer is this: you have to be in control of yourself. You are not - and never will be - in control of anyone else's actions and you do not want to burden yourself with the task of managing someone else's behaviour. Let people do whatever they want but your response must always be thoughtful and measured, and not because of poor impulse control. The Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said that the strong man is the one who is able to control his anger. If you feel yourself getting angry, don't let these negative emotions dominate your mind and cloud your judgements. Think long term and how your actions are going to go against you in the day of judgement.

Focus on your actions only and not the actions of others, even if their actions are directly against you. You will be held accountable for your actions and others for theirs.

A final piece of advice: go for a walk and clear your mind. You're clearly experiencing low moods.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I guess I do expect too much...I'm only confused as because i know islam is the truth and now I have more knowledge. I read about the sahabas and the prophet Muhammad saw. Just I am in awe in how they were and kind they were. Its partly the reason why i find it hard to say no and let people walk over me. I want to be like the prophet and his companions. The one who impressed me so much uthman RA. The prophet and him are my personal role. Models. Which is why I feel sad that the muslims despite knowing the truth still disregard others.

I honestly only read surah mulk before sleeping. And ever know and then one or two pages of quran. Its not that much really

 

['Abdullah]

I guess I do expect too much...I'm only confused as because i know islam is the truth and now I have more knowledge. I read about the sahabas and the prophet Muhammad saw. Just I am in awe in how they were and kind they were. Its partly the reason why i find it hard to say no and let people walk over me. I want to be like the prophet and his companions. The one who impressed me so much uthman RA. The prophet and him are my personal role. Models. Which is why I feel sad that the muslims despite knowing the truth still disregard others.

I honestly only read surah mulk before sleeping. And ever know and then one or two pages of quran. Its not that much really

Assalam O Alaikum Brother,

You are a good person and I can understand what you go through. Keep on helping others but purely for the pleasure of Allah and don't expect anything back. Expect your reward only from Allah, complain only to Allah, cry only to Allah and I am sure Allah will put peace in your heart and reward you both in this world and hereafter. May be take a step back from helping community, focus on helping your family members first. Help your parents, siblings and close relatives. Keep the ties of kinship. In your extra time, learn Quran and hadith. Build up your faith and inshallah this will give you a better understanding of Islam.

Regarding anger management, please read some tips in the link below.

http://musliminc.com/8-amazing-ange...mad-pbuh-and-islam-the-religion-of-peace-4272


W/salm