How to find a spouse: tips, realties and dangers

[ardianto]

And men should be aware of women who want to register the marriage. It indicates that they want to divorce them and steal half of their money (even more in some cases)

And women should be careful with a man who doesn't want to register his marriage. It indicates that this man want to secure his position which he can leave his wife anytime and free from responsibility.

 

[seagulls]

And women should be careful with a man who doesn't want to register his marriage. It indicates that this man want to secure his position which he can leave his wife anytime and free from responsibility.

Which is halal. Whereas stealing someone's wealth isn't

 

[ardianto]

Which is halal. Whereas stealing someone's wealth isn't

Whoever teach you that if a woman want to register her marriage it's means she want to steal her husband wealth, indicate that they have lack of knowledge about women behavior and too affected by Hollywood movies.

In reality, the woman who just want to steal a man’s wealth then go, prefer to be a mistress. She seduces this man to give her many things, then she leave this man and start seduce another rich man. Her status as legitimate wife will make her harder because the rich man must be has done anticipation before he marries a woman. The rich men are not dumb, bro. That's why they are rich.

Brother, you should not generalize all women are like this, all women are like that. Not every woman who marries rich man marries him because his wealth. There are many poor women who marry rich men because love.

I've ever married for almost 19 years until Allah called my beloved wife return to Him. Now I am widower. I and my late wife came from different social status. I was from upper-middle class family, lived in the big house and had two personal cars when I met her. While she was from poor family, lived in slum area, in very small house that had only two small bedrooms for ten people. But she never demanded expensive stuffs although as a wife she had a right to request anything from me.

Learn to respect women, bro. If you can respect women, then women will respect you too.

 

[seagulls]

If u take someone wealth without permission then that is stealing.

 

[seagulls]

Just because I don't want someone to steal my wealth doesn't mean I don't respect women

 

[ardianto]

Just because I don't want someone to steal my wealth doesn't mean I don't respect women

A woman doesn't need to marry you if she just want to steal your wealth. She can cheat you through investment fraud or other kind of crimes.

Do you respect women?. If you still have prejudice toward women, it's means you haven't had respect on women.

 

[seagulls]

A woman doesn't need to marry you if she just want to steal your wealth. She can cheat you through investment fraud or other kind of crimes.

Do you respect women?. If you still have prejudice toward women, it's means you haven't had respect on women.

Yeh but its easier getting married. In Islam one should tie their camel,nothing to do with prejudice

 

[seagulls]

Also bro,one thing is respecting women and and another is respecting islam

 

[Banu_Hashim]

Salam Alaikum all,

It's been a while since I've been here but wow, what an interesting discussion. And I feel it acutely, being a Muslim, in the west at an age where I'd obviously like to get married... but as the original poster said it is incredibly hard to do this! Which is strange because there are many muslim men and women of marriable age but both groups are finding it difficult to get hitched.

I think (forgive the cliche) but there needs to be a balance... between avoiding all gender interaction to the point where you see a muslim female walking towards you, and you do a 180 and walk away from your destination(!) and flirting with the opposite gender with no end in site. Of course a sense of propriety needs to be there always with the goal in mind of an Islamic marriage because we areMuslims regardless of the context we live.

Now with that being said... I feel like Muslim males (minus the players and manipulators) have close to 0%, and this includes my myself, in interacting with Muslim females. And so many factors come into play with Muslim young men not approaching Muslim females... a chief reason being fear of rejection and a lack of understanding of women in general. If you've lacked a meaningful conversation with a female in 20 odd years it's very hard to do so out of the blue.

What I've experienced is that Muslim young men my age find it much much more easy to talk to a non-Muslim female than they find it talking to muslim female, because in their mind a muslim female is this kind of figure that shouldn't be talked to or sometimes not even acknowledged(!), and this creates a barrier somewhat. And I'm not saying this is because of the hijab - far from it. It's the muslim rules of gender interaction not quite translating into the muslim western context.

Parents need to be open and enthusiastic (but not pushy) about their children getting married. And not to make it a subject of embarassment! I think this is a problem with immigrant communities. Marriage and sex is not talked about but it's so needed, particularly in the west. Parents need to say to their son (or daughter)... "Son, when you like a girl and think she might be the one... let me know and we'll help you". This almost never happens!! And communities and Imams need to be much more involved in this as well and get to know the people that come to their masajid. As an Imam to know your community is one of you roles and responsibilites. In some communities here int he UK, the Imam can't even speak english which isn't great.

It's a problem that isn't going to go away over night, but the fact that we, inshaAllah, muslims with the aim of pleasing Allah, are discussing this online is a great start and hopefully we can take these discussions that we are having now online back to our communities where we live.

JazaakamuAllahu khayran,

Fee Amaanillah.

 

[Signor]

The New Muslim Trap: Why Converts Must Exercise Caution in Marriage
Written by Michelle Yeung
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For the vast majority of converts I know, their embracing of Islam happened between the ages of 18 – 26. There’s something about those several years after one finishes high school and one moves out of their parent’s home, that finally forces them, to think. There’s also something else that people of that age often have in common; they feel a strong need to settle with a life partner, which for a Muslim, means marriage.

I don’t have an opinion on whether converts should look to marry immediately, or wait, that probably depends on their own circumstances. However, I would advise any new convert to exercise particular caution as to how they go about meeting a potential spouse. As I listened to one convert sister tell me her story of her own desire to marry and the challenges that faced her, this enabled me to realise some of the reasons for their particular vulnerability to becoming trapped in a difficult marriage situation.

New Converts can often be Very Vulnerable
Becoming Muslim and practicing Islam is a big life change. Not just in the actions themselves, but in the person’s entire life. New converts often find themselves distanced from their previous group of friends, and even family. All of the new things that they are reading, and being told, can be over whelming and whilst the new convert realizes they will never be truly alone, the first couple of years can at the same time be horribly lonely.

“I’d sometimes cry myself to sleep at night, because I felt very lonely. I felt closer to Allah at those times and it felt good, and yet I would have loved to have had another person there with me, seeing me through day by day. I had a small group of friends, but they all had their own husbands and children and I felt like I had nobody. I felt that my best option was marriage.”

Lack of Protective Forces, Such as Muslim Family and a Community
The sad truth is, some people do seem to take advantage of this situation. When both parties are Muslim, the families would meet and the woman’s guardian would approve the marriage. For converts, the process is often quite different, and they may be left making key life decisions such as marriage on their own.

“I was never really a part of any Muslim community. I had a few friends, but we weren’t so close that I would tell them everything. I just didn’t feel like a belonged anywhere, I felt distanced from my family, and I didn’t exactly fit with my local Muslim community. This made me want to focus just on me, on doing my own thing, my own way. I didn’t value the community in the way that I should have done, or I do now. I guess I was a rebel, always wanting to remain independent. So when it came to meeting somebody, I didn’t tell people, I didn’t want their advice, I just wanted to do things my way and he also convinced me that this was the best thing to do in my situation”.

Looking for a Fast Way to Reach God, Through a Spouse
Muslims believe that marriage in itself is a good, beneficial thing. The Prophet (may Allah bless him and grant him peace) said that marriage is half of the religion. New converts seem to have a tendency to want to carryout every single thing that is deemed good, straight away, and marriage is one of these actions.

“I didn’t know it then, but yes, I was looking for a fast way to reach Allah. I thought that if I could get married, to someone really good, then I’d quickly become just like them in that respect. I thought I’d be whisked off overseas by him and transformed into this great Muslim woman. I didn’t know that he had no intention to ever take me with him.”

Can be a Little Naive
It’s natural to see the good in all people, but it can sometimes be more challenging for new Muslims to distinguish true good character from mere actions. New Muslims often seem to be very easily impressed by other Muslims, just based on a few things the person says or does. For example, a brand new Muslim sister may find it very difficult to cover her hair immediately, and could then begin to hold the Muslim women who do, in exaggerated esteem.

“I wasn’t so naive as to think anyone who was Muslim could be trusted. But I suppose I must have thought that anyone who talked in an impressive way would also do the things they preached about. If a brother wore a thawb, talked about visiting his skaykh overseas, and was highly thought of as a community activist, who was I to think that they weren’t all that they made out to be? What did I know after all as a new convert?”.

My advice to any new convert considering marriage, would be to:

1. Tell your friends and family that you are corresponding, and involve people whom you trust
2. Meet their family and make sure that they are fully aware of you
3. Be extra cautious if they seem to be wanting to cut corners (e.g. not involving parents, not agreeing to a mahr, being unclear about living arrangements or financial support once married – sisters)
4. Ask select people about their din and their character
5. Perform the salatul istikhara, and make lots of du’a for guidance (useful article)

Source

 

[Signor]

Advice to Muslim Singles

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1.) Focus on one at a time. Often times we have so many choices to choose from we get overwhelmed and spend years looking for our spouses but never find them because it's so hard to choose one.

2.) Don't seek perfection. None of us are perfect; seeking someone perfect will lead you to never finding your spouse.

3.) Know what you looking for. Make a list of characteristics that appeal to you. A university study of college graduates of those who wrote down their goals vs. ones who just said their goals. The students who wrote down their goals were more likely to achieve them.

4.)Figure out how well you practice Islam. Are you very good, need guidance, or middle of the road? In reality we know there is only one way to be a Muslim. Some of us no matter how many Islamic events we attend we struggle to be the most ideal Muslim. For sisters who are new to Islam and wants to improve her practice (deen) she would do well to be with someone who is already practicing. If you practice every detail of Islam as best as you can, you will do well with seeking someone who is striving as you are. However, if you are lazy and you will know if you are lazy. You are more a Muslim by name and may seek a Muslim by name.

5.)Find out why someone got a divorce and don't be shy to tell. Listen to their reason. Dr. Phil once said, "The past is a good indicator of the future." Listen to why he left his last wife/husband. Lame reasons may indicate they are not in it for the long haul. No one especially when it's the second time around wants to find him or herself in another divorce.

6.) If you are goofy and want to goof off but you are seeking a wife. You may like to add some balance in your approach. Sisters like a funny brother but he should have leadership qualities, warmth and good practice in Islam.

7.) Does he have kids he is willing to move far from to be with you to have more kids with you? It is better to encourage him to stay near his kids. After all you would not want to have kids with and then he abandons them.

8.)Don't be too needy. Some cultures where men are raised with so many siblings and never have been alone feel they will get married at any cost just to avoid those lonely feelings.

9.) Don't talk about sexual preferences. Ultimately this will lead to haram (forbidden) actions. Most sisters have no trouble to adhere to this rule and prefer it but the brothers often times (no matter their Iman (level of faith) they will ask away about sex. The Holy Quran deals best with this issue and no matter if your crazy for sex or could care less. Never talk about sex. And brothers if you want her to respect you, never talk about sex. Don't even hint about it.

10.) Pets. Does she have pets you are allergic to? Are you willing to take medication to subside your symptoms? You can ask her to get rid of her pets but its better you do not.

11.)Are you willing to relocate? Often time's relocation can be hard for some of us and other times we are more mobile. Before you start talking to brother/sisters far away. Ask yourself are you willing to relocate for your potential spouse?

12.)Talking with overseas brothers/sisters. We all are warned about Green Card seekers who marry you and dump you when the card is their ticket to freedom. If you are a 52-year-old sister and talking to 26-year-old brother-there is something amiss. Don't be so needy that you will take anyone for the sake of love. Some will never tell you their intention. They will say all the right things to lead you to believe they are for real. They may say they do not even want to live in USA. If you lack confidence in yourself, do something for the benefit of Muslim but don't seek a marriage where you will ultimately be hurt in the end. Honesty is very important. And as Muslims we are ordered to be honest in all our dealings, but not all are honest just as there are different levels of deen that Muslims will practice.

13.)The cost and time involved to bring someone from overseas to USA is immense! You will have to have flown to see him at least 3 times to prove you have sincere intention to marry him. Then you will have to hire a lawyer to attain a Fiancé Visa. This will take minimum of six months+. You may get approval for him to come to USA but he has to get approval from his country to leave (in some cases) and this can delay things even further. Then he comes here and you marry legally (but only have three months.) If you do not marry in three months time it will be hard to get another Finance Visa. By this time you will have spent $3,000-$5,000. Often he cannot pay because he does not make that much. (Though he promises to pay you back.) It's less expensive to find your mate in your own country. Allah (swt) is the best of planners. Be polite when you are approached. To find more information Google: "Fiancé Visa."

14.)Single Muslim sisters with male children. Make sure the brother will give all your children equal respect, care and concern. Sometimes brothers will happily mention the female child and not the male child because they feel that the male child is like the father and they harbor some degree of jealousy/slight dislike for the male child. Make sure when you are speaking to a brother you like that he asks how all your kids are, not just the female child. If the brother does do this, be polite to make him aware of his behavior and he will be surprised he was behaving this way. Guys wont admit they feel that way but it happens. If they are committed to making a change it will be beneficial for all.

Source