qqqqqqqqqq
Rising Member
- Messages
- 12
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- Gender
- Female
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- Islam
I've always been attached to my parents probably since the day I was born. I remember my first day at nursery I was the only one that didnt settle in for weeks because I was so attached to my father I wanted him their. In the end I settled after he told me he was going to speak to a teacher and that he would be back soon. From that day onwards I never wanted to go nursery I remember my parents locked me up in a room to stop me crying because I didnt want to go to nursery. I hated it. I thought they'd be mean like my cousins who used to leave me all alone when I wanted to play with them~ just because I was the youngest and an only child. In the end I settled into nursery after my mum lied to me telling me she was going to take me shopping but then took me nursery
I remember crying my eyes out on the way and turning back....I wish she hugged me right their and then and told me everything would be okay and it would only be for a few hours but instead I just had to deal with it myself....sorry if this seems dramatic but yeah the pains there when I do think about it....<br><br>Now growing up....I could never focus in school because either I was taken abroad to visit my grandparents every 3 years during school term...for a month or so or....I always worried how my parents were doing at home. I dont know why I always used to worry thinking that I'd come home and find them dead or something. I always felt insecure because I 'thought' I was poorer than the other kids. I did not speak the same language as them and I was from a different world/culture to them. <br><br>I always worry about my parents...I never hung out with my so called friends...because I didnt want my parents to feel lonely and sad at home whilst I was busy having 'fun'..my heart always lies with them...now it got worse my dad recently had a heart attack and for 2 weeks I was with him...making sure his medicine was on time etc....I lost concentration on Allah....<br><br>At the moment Im getting back on track with my salah...im not blaming my parents...but I want to feel free....like my school friends...I dont know how they do it...like they dont worry about their parents at all...their parents are still working...rich and have alot of relatives to hang with ...whereas us...we dont have any relatives to go to...theyre always so mean to us...<br><br>I feel scared about getting married...Im in my early twenties...everybody else is so beautiful and look like models...they have all their pics on facebook ...whereas me Im just such a simple girl I dont take pics because I think its haraam nor would I put them up...I dont enjoy what they do nor do I have experience...like im not into shopping...I dont know how to joke around boys and girls..im serious and quiet and keep to myself....like which guy would wanna marry me? I wish I actually paid attention to myslef alot more when I was a teenager...like with my looks and hair....and body....thats what people look at and compare each other with...I wish I could cook....but I feel like I've always been depressed all my life...I dont know why...I recently broke down in front of my doctor...and she asked me what Im depressed about and it was soo many things....I just said I dont know...the only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that Allah swt knows who I truly am....but sometimes things can get so down I feel like Im just some tramp on the street...I cant help myself I cant help others....I'll probabaly be the worst mother in the world...<br><br>I want to start life again somewhere....perhaps move abroad...but my parents wont and what would they do in another country? they'd hate it....even if I did move abroad and get married...I'd always feel guilt I left my parents in their old age....its harder for us because we have no brothers....I dont know what to do I really dont...sorry for the rant....I guess this is what I wanted to tell my doctor but I was not able too because I would have cried so much in front of her...and she probably would have thought I was pathetic...<br><br>Also, everyone tells me Im so nice and decent...down to earth and pretty but....I dont know they dont find me interesting enough or dont want to stay in touch with me...why is that? I dont have anything in common with them like I cant talk about films and music because I dont do any of that...or about clothes and makeup because Im not so crazy about all that....like I once was when I was younger but not anymore....<br><br>Should I move out and get my own place? my attachment to my parents affects my deen alot...I also have this pressure on my head...that I have to take my parents on Hajj just once...everybody else has done theirs and although we don't make that much money I would like my parents to do it....just so that they avoid Allah' wrath....I need my parents help but...its impossible since my dads ill and mum is very weak....I feel so much pressure especially when my relatives don't understand us and they just say omg he's not done his hajj thats really bad when he has the money....<br><br><br>Apologies for the long post.<br>
