Hurt, heartbroken, depressed

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Butterflywings

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Salaam all,
I will try keep this short;

1. I was involved in a pre marital relationship for two years (I know it was wrong)
2. I committed zina (since then I have repented and stopped and started to practice)
3. When we had sexual intercourse I didn't bleed any of the times even though he was my first sexual relationship
4. He has accused me many times of flithy names which are not true as I didn't bleed
5. We had different perceptions of everything and he emotionally abused me throughout the relationship which lost me my self esteem n confidence

Not too sure y I am posting but I feel so hurt and broken and just depressed.
 
Wa Alaaykum As'Salaam sis

I am assuming you are no longer in contact with this man? It seems you had different perceptions of everything, meaning different opinions, understandings etc? so you werent a good match.

But anyway, what is it that's making you feel depressed, the fact that he hurt you? or that you displeased Allaah?
Since its the month of ramadhaan, repent to Allaah and get yourself closer to Allaah, you need to realise the fact you had a relationship which was incorrect, led to depression and you feeling hurt which means it was a wrong, following ones desires has never exactly led one to happiness, but one who does something for the sake of pleasing Allaah in which he displeased the shaytaan is sucessful, so in other words following the ways instructed by Allaah and not of shaytaan, it can sometimes be a difficult journey, but it is a journey which is of benefit, because it requires patience, trust and fear, hope, these are such qualities of a believer, it makes one a better individual. so turn to Allaah as you have here, the way you share your feelings here, now do that with Allaah SWT, complain to him, supplicate, remember him always. I doubt i've very much helped, but there are those on this forum with great advice and insha'Allaah they are able to help. But remember that we can only advice you, it is Allaah who says

"Therefore remember Me (by praying, glorifying, etc.). I will remember you, and be grateful to Me (for My countless Favours on you) and never be ungrateful to Me."[Al Qur'aan 2:152]

Call upon him. Think of this like Allaah (swt) guided you here, as he only wants the best for his servant, i apologise if ive said anything harsh..
 
Butterflywings said:
Salaam all,
I will try keep this short;

1. I was involved in a pre marital relationship for two years (I know it was wrong)
2. I committed zina (since then I have repented and stopped and started to practice)
3. When we had sexual intercourse I didn't bleed any of the times even though he was my first sexual relationship
4. He has accused me many times of flithy names which are not true as I didn't bleed
5. We had different perceptions of everything and he emotionally abused me throughout the relationship which lost me my self esteem n confidence

Not too sure y I am posting but I feel so hurt and broken and just depressed.
Click to expand...

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us.

My sister it is obvious that you have gone through a lot of trauma from your previous relationship and much of the time this is what results from relationships before marriage as such relationships have no peace or blessings in them.

It is also clear you regret committing such major sins especially giving yourself to someone you were never married to. It is also clear that this man was never right for you in the first place and you knew that deep down but were to blind because you were so into him. He clearly did not trust you and was very insecure which is also an indication that he was possibly hiding something himself. You would have never have been happy with such a manipulative person and the trust issues would have gotten worse after marriage. So you should be thanful that things ended and that you did not end up with such a person.

But now you should realise that whatever has happened has happened now and you cannot turn back time. We all want to go back and do things differently but life is such that we make mistakes and we learn from them. We learn from our failures NOT our successes. If we all succeeded in life then how will we ever become better people? How will we ever grow as individuals if we never made mistakes.

You need to think to yourself that if you followed Islam and obeyed Allah none of this would have happened so therefore see this as a big error that you have made in your life in that you fell for someone outside of marriage.

As humans we all think that we know what is best for us in life. A person falls into a relationship, they create false hopes and dreams together imagining and talking about a life together forever and having babies etc. But this is just a bubble and a world that the couple create with each other which usually ends up being just a dream and the bubble bursts when reality hits. We as humans think we know what is best for us but the fact is we don't! ONLY Allah knows what is best so therefore we must do EVERYTHING to please him and refrain from EVERYTHING that displeases him and causes his wrath and anger!


Here is what you can do to get over what has happened:

1. Accept what has happened and accept that it has happened because you disobeyed Allah and decided to have a relationship outside of marriage even though you knew it was wrong. Accept that you were in the wrong but that you have fallen into error and that you have learnt from this mistake and have become a MUCH better and wiser person out of this. Accept that we learn from our failures and NOT our successes!

2. Once you have accepted that it was your own fault and that you could easily have decided not to get into it then you must also accept that you did try your best but whatever will happen in your life will happen if it is decreed. It is clear that it was not decreed so it did not happen. Therefore accept that whatever Allah decrees is the best for you whether you like it or not because we as humans know not what is best for us. Maybe Allah saved you from a life of misery.

3. Once you have accepted that this was the consequances of your own choices that you made and that it was not in your decree to be with him and that whatever is decreed in our lives is the best for us then you must try to move forward with your life because death will not wait for anyone and wasting more time and more of your precious seconds that you have left will ONLY be of detriment to you because we ONLY have one chance which is our life and our once chance can end at ANY second. If you continuously waste more time on something which was never decreed for you then surely you will regret it forever if not in this life then definatley the next!

4. Make the necessery mental changes in having a fresh new start to your life and you can do this by firstly changing your number/s. Change your e mail address/es. Get rid of any social networks that you are on. Get rid of any pictures of him or present of gifts that he gave to you or anything that reminds you of him. Inernalise that you want to make a fresh start with your life and that you want to move on and progress. realise that death is near and that you cannot waste anymore time on that which was not meant for you. Accept that Allah has something better in store for you!

5. Time is the best healer. Once you have taken all these steps then let time heal your heart. The way you think will affect the speed of your recovery. You need to get your heart to accept the above 4 steps and once you have then recovery will be quicker.

6. You need to focus your mind on the purpose of your life. Allah did not create you to follow your own desires in life but he created you for one purpose and ONLY one purpose and that is to worship him. This should be your new focus in life which is to please Allah and you should strive to do EVERYTHING you can to get closer to him and to please him. You should also realise that Allah ONLY wants what is best for you and he took you out of this because he has something better in store for you!

Hope my advice has helped in some way. This is the blessed month of Ramadan and Know that Allah is wanting you to be close to him so will you not take a small step towards Allah that he may take a huge step towards you? Desire to be closer to Allah and to do EVERYTHING to please him. Continue to repent for what you have done and ask of Allah to help you through this hard time. Always share how you feel with Allah for your heart will feel MUCH better in doing so. Strive to be closer to Allah in established all of your fard obligations to him.

Also do much nafils and recite the Qur'an along with its meanings to understand what Allah is telling us in the Qur'an. Learn as much about Islam as possible and most of all ALWAYS busy yourself with the remembrance of Allah in glorifying and praising him as well as pondering and contemplating over his creations. The more you remember Allah the quicker your heart will heal!

Join a local sisters Islamic circle and involve yourself with Islamic events, activities and be with good and pious sisters. Serve your parents as much as possible for they ONLY want the best for you and serving ones parents is of the BEST of ALL deeds. NEVER even raise your voice to your parents for they have been given the highest status by Allah, The way we treat our parents is how our parents will treat us. Therefore treat your parents the best and if shaythan tries to create enmity in your heart that seek refuge with Allah for shaythan is your eternal enemy and only wants you to be destroyed. He wants you to waste your time and life over the past and does NOT want you to move on. He wants to prevent you from progressing in life and in your deen. He does not want you to go towards Allah so will you not reject your sworn enemy?

Therefore my sister let now be the start of a whole new chapter in your life where you can progress and move forward gradually. There is no time to waste my sister and there will be times where you will find it hard but with Allah you will find peace and contentment but with shaythan all you will find is misery and discontent. Therefore if you want to get healed then go towards Allah and strive to please him and make him the happiest. Ask of him to help you through this and in every aspect of your life. Repent to him always and ask of him to heal your heart. If you put your FULL faith, trust, reliance and hopes in Allah then you will find this is enough for you and your heart will heal and be replaced with the love for Allah and his messenger.

So make the best of each precious second in this most blessed month to get closer to Allah because he wants you closer to him. Subhaanallah! He is giving you this opportunity to be closer to him so will you not take it? Will you not grab this opportunity? So trust in him and put your FULL reliance in him. Know that he listens to your prayers and is closer to you than your jugular vein.

The past is the past so do NOT let a mistake from your past afect you now and in the future. Strive to be as close to Allah as possible and put ALL of your faith and trust in him. If he is your protector then nothing can ever harm you.

So from now on ALWAYS go about looking for a marriage partner in the right manner. That means through your wali. As soon as a guy dos not want to go about marriage in the permissable manner then know that he is not right for you. Surely if we go about marriage in the right manner then Allah will give us peace and blessings in our marriage pursuit and in our marriage because he will be happy that his servants were obedient to him.

So let us spend each precious remaining second in this blessed month worship, asking and begging of Allah for forgiveness and his mercy. Striving to get closer to him through worship and prayer. Our hearts are softened in this precious month so what better chance for us to purify our hearts further and soften it with his remembrance.

This short life is our ONLY chance to put the fear of Allah into our hearts and to live our lives ONLY to please Allah and invest in the hereafter which is our final destination. How long are we in this world? VERY short while. How long is the hereafter? FOREVER! Therefore we should spend as much of our little time as possible investing into the hereafter by doing everything possible to please Allah and refraining from anything which angers or displeases him.


The following are all threads that will help us to maximise each precious second of Ramadan:

1. 12 Ways to Maximize Everyday in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...308088-12-ways-maximize-everyday-ramadan.html



2. The Inner Dimensions of Fasting - A MUST READ!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...08099-inner-dimensions-fasting-must-read.html



3. 10 Steps to Increasing our Iman(Faith) this Ramadhan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...steps-increasing-our-iman-faith-ramadhan.html



4. 10 steps to getting closer to Allah this Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...54-10-steps-getting-closer-allah-ramadan.html



5. VERY Rewarding Nafl Salaahs we can Pray Everyday this Ramadan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...afl-salaahs-we-can-pray-everyday-ramadan.html



6. 9 things a Women on Menses can do in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...146-9-things-women-menses-can-do-ramadan.html



7. How productive was your day today in Ramadan?


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...13-how-productive-your-day-today-ramadan.html



8. Immense Rewards for Reciting the Qur'an in Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...7-immense-rewards-reciting-quran-ramadan.html



9. 15 Easy Good deeds to do throughout Ramadan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...15-easy-good-deeds-do-throughout-ramadan.html



10. 40 Quick, Easy & Rewarding Good Deeds to do Everyday in Ramadhan!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...ewarding-good-deeds-do-everyday-ramadhan.html



11. Ramadan is not just for one month it is for everyday of our lives!


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...an-not-just-one-month-everyday-our-lives.html



12. Do we have "Double intentions" this Ramadan?


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...220-do-we-have-double-intentions-ramadan.html



13. 10 Steps to Maximising the Last Ten Days of Ramadan


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting...0-steps-maximising-last-ten-days-ramadan.html



14. 5 things to do on Laylatul Qadr


http://www.islamicboard.com/fasting-ramadhan-eid-ul-fitr/134300163-5-things-do-laylatul-qadr.html



15. 6 Things to do on the Virtuous Night of Eid - Laylatul Jaazah (The Night of Rewards)


http://www.islamicboard.com/general...-night-eid-laylatul-jaazah-night-rewards.html



If you need anymore help with anything at all then please do not hesitate to ask. Please mention me in your dua's.

May Allah enable us to make the best of the most beautiful and blessed month of Ramadan. Ameen



I pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.

May Allah give you the best of this world and the next. Ameen

I pray that Allah heals your heart and makes you of his close servants. I pray he finds you the best partner that will lead you towards success in this life and the next and i pray he helps you through this and every aspect of your life. Please also remember me in your dua's.

Here are some very beneficial lectures to help you get closer to Allah and realise your purpose in life:

This Could Change Your Life Forever!

http://www.gawaher.com/index.php?showtopic=731837.html&

Here are some very beneficial lectures which you and your siblings should listen to, to increase your imaan and fear of Allah:

Remembrance: ask Allah for his forgiveness

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-EK9r3rMzQ


Angel of Death!!! - Sheikh Ahmed Ali

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tUzRJXlB2uA

HARD HITTING Lecture on HELLFIRE & the Day of JUDGEMENT! يوم القيامة والجحيم

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0O6L_fBk7VM

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 1/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWTehIeCOUU

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 2/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXTtk7rWx_U

Sheikh Ahmad Ali - Hellfire Talk Part 3/3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmiD86w9fBc


Islam - Punishment of the Grave by Sheikh Riyadh ul Haq

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UWb-hYIm2WE

Death and the Grave by Murtaza Khan

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7r2nzJVecqo

How can we not appreciate what we have after watching this?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkEBUC0APMg

AMAZING short speech -"The Goodly Life"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fugf1DcNyc


 
Last edited:
Butterflywings said:
I feel like who gives anybody the right to accuse me... Even if we waited until marriage he would of accused me.
Click to expand...

Both of you have lost your chastity so I don't see why it matters whether any of you had a past before meeting each other. The guy is just as bad as you if not worse.

Any forget him likes he's dead, repent like hell as the month of ramadan is the best time to do so and move on. Remember Allah is Most-Merciful - but don't abuse that mercy.
 
I have repented and I still am but that's down to allah to forgive nobody else.

You are right he is just as bad if not worse who gives him that right to say bad about me saying he wants someone who is pure when he isn't himself
 
I'm posting this late, but this does tell us something about such wayward men, and about all such haram relationships.

Whatever they themselves they do, they always have less respect for females who get involved with them, especially physically. Women become like a score card for them, which they pursue, untill they have them, and once when they've used them, her value is down to zero, he starts dis respecting you and to cover his personal feeling of filth that he feels after committing the sinful act with you, he calls you disrespectful names.

Find solace and comfort with Allah swt, and he shall never make you feel as such, the way a sinful person does, who himself is also being controlled by his satanic desires. Find yourself, invest time on your own self, get into some activity, repent heavily and know it for sure, that a person who does not respect your piousness before marriage isn't even worth the dust of your shoe. Infact, mark this as your criteria, any man, no matter how sweetly or charmingly tries to approach you, showers praises and gifts on you, and asks to meet you in private has only one thing on his mind. As soon as he has it, he's going to loose interest in you.

Some people even do marry after physical relationships, but such are the same people who are so used to the thrill of dating and haram relationships that a halal wife is unable to please them, and they justify to indulge in cheating and womanizing just to have some fun, they just cant let go of the thrill of chase, its addictive. I know many such people, its really sad and disgusting, but its high time women realized that their prince charming isnt how he's shown on the tv screens and media, it isn't a reality, women must stop falling for men who just sweetly pursuade them for haram stuff, you'll never see any good coming out of it.

If you want a real man, you have to become a real woman yourself, someone strong and someone who does not take nonsense from anybody. I know its very easy for girls to fall into such traps since girls are a sucker for praise and being admired, they throw caution to the wind without knowing that plenty of wolves out there have their eyes fixed on their prey, never become that prey. Discourage this behavior vehemently, to the extent that someone even if asks you out, just slap him infront of everybody.( ok if you cant slap, just be really really rude, tell him to go out with his sister, muslim women don't go out, he can go out with non muslim unpious girls if he so wishes to get close to girls) that will knock some sense into him for the rest of his life, and he'll at least hesitate asking out muslim girls.

You have to be a mother who instills solid values in your sons and in your daughters, so that they don't waste their lives in a vain discourse. Come into obedience of Allah swt, and break all these stupid chains of bowing down to false impressions of low life heroes who are destined for hell fire( atleast seem so with their actions).

If you want to save yourself, leave him. Love yourself, love Allah subahano talla, read the Quran and pray for your guidance. May Allah swt be with you, aammeen.
 

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