I almost committed apostasy, look how my dad responded!

[Mustafa16]

Stop worrying about marriage soo much. Finish your degree, and find your Job. yes I know it is hard.. I find it hard too.

But you gotta earn it.

Allahu alam.

but would my dad have forgotten about it by the time I get my degree?

 

[Serinity]

but would my dad have forgotten about it by the time I get my degree?

Forgotten what? Your past? If you have repented and done your best to be the best Muslim you can be, then he can't shame you for those sins.

 

[Mustafa16]

Forgotten what? Your past? If you have repented and done your best to be the best Muslim you can be, then he can't shame you for those sins.

my father's not a traditional Muslim. He doesn't think in terms of Islam vs kufr/disbelief, or Islamic behavior versus jahil behavior. He is very westernized, and has even said he is proud to be an American citizen and has often shown his disapproval of the Muslim world. When I pointed out that cousins marrying was halal (a very long time ago, when I wanted to be married to my cousin), he pointed out matters of dunya as a counterargument. Simply put, to sum it up, he just said, "this is the modern world, I don't like it, end of story." He also considers religion a personal matter, and often thinks in term of worldly things, ("when you get married, son, they'll ask how much you make, and how many degrees you have,") doesn't think there is such a thing as a Muslim world, because there are too many political differences, and says, when I ask him why the Muslims dont unite and crush their enemies "what are you going to do? attack countries with nuclear weapons? do you think there is even such a thing as a Christian world? what are you, ISIS?" and gets very angry with me and doesn't talk to me for days. he;s religious, but in a different way. he has even said he supports rights for gay people, even though he considers it immoral and disgusting....now answer me this....do you think a man who has fallen so much in love with the dunya to think in terms of "repentance, Islam, and piety is the most important" for marrying me off? he's very....let's just say...practical turkish people (or at least gulenists) have a very nationalistic, materialistic, and worldly understanding of religion and morality.

 

[Mustafa16]

Forgotten what? Your past? If you have repented and done your best to be the best Muslim you can be, then he can't shame you for those sins.

he also probably isnt even thinking in terms of sin! (me committing apostasy)...he;s probably just practicing "namus" as they like to call it. or just me being a nuisance.

 

[*charisma*]

@*charisma* sister, please put my mind at ease and help me stop worrying....

Bro, you still have a lot of time to make changes in your life inshallah before you get married. I think when your dad makes these threats to you, you feel a lot of anxiety and start thinking of the worst for your future and therefore you call and text him a lot apologizing and stuff. He probably gets even more agitated because of that. For us non-autistic people, sometimes we need space, especially when we are upset. When we don't get that space, it's really constricting on us. I think this is how your father is feeling when you're constantly contacting him, even if your intentions mean well. I don't know your father, but I'm sure he loves you, he just doesn't know how to deal with you because he isn't in your life so he says the things which will affect you most. In any case, give him some time. Don't think about it so much. If he wanted to be heartless and really hurt you, he would have already told everyone about your issues. He will be more rational inshallah if you just give him some space. LATER ON when you are truly ready for marriage, and if you still have issues, you will have the courage to tell your future wife about them yourself. That's when you'll know you are ready for marriage. But until then, just breathe and relax and don't worry about anything. Focus on your education, take up a sport, or learn some new hobbies. And always put your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because that will ease some of your anxiety..nothing can harm you without Allah's permission.

 

[Mustafa16]

Bro, you still have a lot of time to make changes in your life inshallah before you get married. I think when your dad makes these threats to you, you feel a lot of anxiety and start thinking of the worst for your future and therefore you call and text him a lot apologizing and stuff. He probably gets even more agitated because of that. For us non-autistic people, sometimes we need space, especially when we are upset. When we don't get that space, it's really constricting on us. I think this is how your father is feeling when you're constantly contacting him, even if your intentions mean well. I don't know your father, but I'm sure he loves you, he just doesn't know how to deal with you because he isn't in your life so he says the things which will affect you most. In any case, give him some time. Don't think about it so much. If he wanted to be heartless and really hurt you, he would have already told everyone about your issues. He will be more rational inshallah if you just give him some space. LATER ON when you are truly ready for marriage, and if you still have issues, you will have the courage to tell your future wife about them yourself. That's when you'll know you are ready for marriage. But until then, just breathe and relax and don't worry about anything. Focus on your education, take up a sport, or learn some new hobbies. And always put your trust in Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala because that will ease some of your anxiety..nothing can harm you without Allah's permission.

jazakallaha khair sister, your answer was much appreciated...

 

[nourkhair]

This is an outsider's opinion:

Your father is frustrated, but I feel his is being fair and is respecting your decisions. While the marriage issue appears harsh, I think I can understand his reasoning.

When we reach a certain age, we can decide to become adults, or we can decide to become men. And becoming a man involves prudent choice, consistency, honesty, and adopting a value-system. It can also mean sincerely adopting religion (as in we need to choose). I think your father is concerned that you are confused and adrift, and not taking these matters seriously.

I have two sons, and my oldest is 14. He is intellectually gifted, but he confessed to me 6 months ago that he was "not religious". He thought I would be very upset, but I told him that this is something he needs to sincerely choose for himself. The last thing I would want is for him to lie to me and everyone else about his faith. God knows what is in our heart. He has been to Christian churches, and has attended lectures and presentations at our local masjid, and has even been exposed to Bahai (he has some friends who follow this faith--this is a very diverse community). I suspect that he will ultimately make a choice, but this is not something I can force.

My recommendation is to write down your sincere thoughts on these matters, and schedule a time to speak with your father. Maybe over a lunch, just you and him.

Sorry that you think that its only your childs choice every choice your child makes is directly or indirectly with your involvement. Untill your child is an adult you have to guide them thats what parents do. If yourself are not taking means to guide your child because its his choice then outsiders will...someone else will help him make big choices. Loving someone is not cling to them or letting them go its telling them when the are wrong or right and being there in major life events. So you are young and still learning also you have a dependable adult to guide you like i did when i was young same thing happened to me . Some one told me Depend only on Allah. Allah is your best friend. Try depending on Allah and ask for guidance because he is the one that made everything and everyone so no can deem you unworthy because Allah made you not them even your father. Please try it out and let me know how it work.

 

[Silas]

we do guide him as best we can, but he is extremely intelligent and stubborn. His brother is young, more typical, and religious.

You are correct in that we should not simply cast our children out into a sea of uncertainty and let them make all their own, uninformed, decisions. But in the end, they must freely decide (as the rule of "no compulsion in religion": Quran 2:256)

 

[Mustafa16]

I emailed my father yesterday letting him know my phone was broken and he could not call me. Then I sent another email saying I would get a new phone. Then I sent a text with the new phone saying the sim card was transferred, and he could talk to me. He said he didn't want to, and to stop texting him. I asked what was wrong, and apologized. He said, "stop texting me" Today, he didn't call, and it was getting late, so I sent him a text about my grades, and exam results. I asked if he was calling that day. He said no, and to stop texting him. I lost my temper and said he was holding my mistakes over my head, and "what do you want me to do? beat myself with a whip like a shiite?" he said, "you are one text away from being blocked. stop texting me!"

 

[*charisma*]

I emailed my father yesterday letting him know my phone was broken and he could not call me. Then I sent another email saying I would get a new phone. Then I sent a text with the new phone saying the sim card was transferred, and he could talk to me. He said he didn't want to, and to stop texting him. I asked what was wrong, and apologized. He said, "stop texting me" Today, he didn't call, and it was getting late, so I sent him a text about my grades, and exam results. I asked if he was calling that day. He said no, and to stop texting him. I lost my temper and said he was holding my mistakes over my head, and "what do you want me to do? beat myself with a whip like a shiite?" he said, "you are one text away from being blocked. stop texting me!"

Bro, you are contacting your father a lot. I understand your frustration and fixation on what he said to you. It may have been better for him not to have said it, but you cannot control what he does; you can only control what you do. He needs his space, you have to respect and give him that even though you're feeling bothered by what he's doing. I'm sure that if you do not contact your father, he will come around and contact you in his given time, but you can't force this interaction. In fact, by you doing this it might just be pushing him away.