I am a sad Father. Advice please...

[Hamayun]

Sisters and Brothers,

I am posting with a very heavy heart.

I have a little angel of a daughter who is 4 years old. Ever since her birth she has never ever given us the slightest trouble. Never even woke us up at night.

The most obedient and well mannered child I have ever seen Masha'Allah. She is also very very sensitive.

She started school a month ago. As each day passes she is becoming more and more depressed. She is very close to me and tells me everything.

She is the only brown skinned girl in her class. At first I didn't realise why she was becoming so sad every day.

Today she asked me "Daddy, why don't the other kids want to play with me? Every time I go to speak to them they go away and don't talk to me."

When she said that I felt like someone had stabbed me in the chest a thousand times. I have tears in my eyes as I type this.

This has had a huge impact on her personality.

My daughter is very sensitive and very kind and gentle. I can not bear to see her like this. It is killing me.

What can I do? I was thinking of putting her in an Islamic school but they are extremely expensive and have a very long waiting list.

Is anyone here from London? Is there an Islamic school that doesn't cost an arm and a leg?

Sorry for the long post. If you have any advice for me I will be very grateful.

 

[جوري]

aslaam 3lykoum akhi

Have you thought of placing your daughter in international pre-schools?

I think they are excellent and have children from all walks of life and dfferent backgrounds ..

yes kids can be sensitive but also very resilient Masha'Allah..

My 3 year old niece is a sensitive social creature.. one day a whole bunch of kids entered the elevator and she got so happy, she introduced herself to everyone but no one answered her.. my sister was very upset for her, she wanted to shelter her from how cruel kids get.. my niece told my sister, 'mommy, why doesn't anyone answer me'.. my sister told her, they are all just a bit shy..
when they got off their floor, my niece was so filled with hurt, but there was another lady on board, and she told her, my name is sarah, what is your name?.. then my niece got happy again... forgot about all the kids

fact is, you can't really change the way other kids behave, but you can teach your daughter about what a special creature she is in your life, and what she means to you. And either try to put her in a more nurturing environment or see if you can go with her to school, speak with the principal about how kids are interacting, or spend a day with her see how they play.. or hold a special party and invite all those white kids to come to it lol...

one time my sister held a party for my niece at one of those crappy scary kids places, and brought all the other kids there goody bags, filled with crayons and tiny books etc..

It is a nice way to get her to forge friendships, foster herself esteem, and have you be more directly involved in her life.

In fact I suggest you ask the principal if you can hold a small eid party for your daughter and bring some tiny gifts for everyone and cake.. she how that fares.. before say looking into a better environment for her ..

your daughter sounds absolutely adorable.. Masha'Allah..

I wish you and yours all the best akhi

 

[glo]

Greetings Hamayun

I can imagine how you as a father must be feeling.

I would love to say that things will settle down for your daughter - but that doesn't help her (or you) at the moment.

I am surprised that your daughter is the only brown-skinned child in her class. Perhaps I am naive, but I had assumed that London was very much multi-ethnic and multi-cultural, and that that was reflected in the schools. But then, that must depend on where in London you live.

The schools I have come across here in the UK are very sensitive towards any sign of racism in the classroom. Have you tried talking to the teacher? I am sure that they can help.

I can understand that you feel an Islamic school may be the answer, but bear in mind that the move to another school would be disruptive to your daughter too, and would mean that she would have to adjust and settle in anew.

I think children start school so young here in the UK! It can be tough for a four-year-old ...
I hope that your daughter will make friends very soon. She sounds like a lovely little girl, who shouldn't have any trouble drawing other children towards her.

I pray that things go well for your daughter.
You sound like a great father, who will not stop until he sees his little one happy!
Let us know how things are progressing for her.

peace

 

[barney]

This is such a sad story.

The school has a duty to, and by law must stamp down hard on racism. If the other children are simply ignoring her its not that easy for them to take action.
I would definatly still speak with the teachers, they can use ideas like "Buddy" systems where the more sensitive and accepting members of the class can be allocated to work as a team with your girl.
Once she has a few freinds the rest will follow hopefully.

I would just concentrate on building her confidence so that her shyness brought about by the attitudes of her peers dosnt isolate her further.

Best wishes.

 

[dilkadr]

May Allah Bless You and Your Baby Girl

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

subhanAllaah, i hope you gave her words of comfort !


brother are there any masjids in your locality? i think you should find her some friends outside of school for now at least, try your best to help her not lose her confidence.

She sounds like she could grow up in the footsteps of Maryam (peace be upon her) mashaAllaah

 

[Danah]

Oh brother may allah blessed ur little girl....I am sooo moved to read ur story

sis Sky offered a very good advice masha allah.....and u have to take the action first before letting her lose her confidence....

 

[noorseeker]

can you get your daughter to make friends after school . like at the madrassah, at least one way she,s not missing out.

Then inshallah she can take it from there,

I didnt know 4 year olds were race conscious, it when kids grow up they get biggoted views

 

[Karina]

Your poor daughter.... children can be so horrible to each other... and it's such a shame that our kids have to be subjected to this kind of thing at an incredibly young age when it's difficult to understand such behaviour. I know it's all part of growing up but it doesn't make it any easier - for child or parent.

Wow, I didn't realise London still had schools with predominantly white classes.... (Even where I live in a rural area in the North the schools are well-mixed with all different cultures and nationalities)

Anyway, your little girl is probably more resilient than you think. I remember my first few day at primary school and I cried the whole week, it was the worst thing ever, but things slowly slowly got better. It will make her stronger! She's got a very caring daddy who obviously thinks the world of her. Just keep telling her that!

I do hope she settles in better soon.....

 

[Thinker]

She is the only brown skinned girl in her class. :

What part of London are you living in, I can't think of any part of London that would have a class of 100% white children, for that matter I thbk a class of 100% white children would be rare in any part of the UK

 

[Karina]

Ps. I'm confused... you said in a previous post that you lived fairly near Tottenham? I hope you don't mind me mentioning :-[, but it's one of the most multicultural areas of central London!.... Sorry, hope you don't think I'm doubting you, I was just curious.... :-[

 

[Thinker]

She is the only brown skinned girl in her class.

I've just run this one past my daughter-in-law who is a school teacher at a state school in the south eats of England and her remark was "I don't believe him."

Me thinks 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark!'

 

[جوري]

can you get your daughter to make friends after school . like at the madrassah, at least one way she,s not missing out.

Then inshallah she can take it from there,

I didnt know 4 year olds were race conscious, it when kids grow up they get biggoted views

before my sister enrolled my niece in a pre-school we checked out a few.

there is a British international school here in the U.S, lycee francais , the montessori, and the international pre-school, which she currently attends, the international pre-school is right by the United Nations in midtown Manhattan
and the British one is closer to my home, naturally it was a first choice since my sister works, and my mom would take my niece to school. so We went to check it out, and honest truth to God, I had never seen so many mal-adjusted kids. And that was under our watchful eyes I hazard think of what happens when we leave.

It was a strange joint, incredibly expensive.. but weird.. we were invited to observe the children at play and how the teachers interact, the minute I left the room to talk to my sister, the teacher's behavior toward the kids was really odd.. plus she started yelling at my niece for drawing outside of the table, mind you the crayons were washable. So I brought a piece of cloth and wiped it, so she would shut her yap.

On all the walls, they had all these cut out of white blonde kids, red haired kids and brown kids, put in exactly in that order one on top of the other, with emphasis on color and, I thought why are they even bringing to the kid's attention that someone has blue eyes and another green or brown.. is that how they see their world?

needless to say, we were out of there before you can say what the heck was that..

the others weren't bad, but the international pre-school had the most multicultural kids.. so she has now two friends one from Hong Kong -- she is actually a mixed kid with an American father, and a Japanese kid who apparently enjoys biting people when he is happy .. she has indeed her good days and bad days, but she is always happy to go to school.. when we threaten not to send her to school because she is being bad she actually cries...

this is really the best time to cultivate her talents and foster social skills and self-esteem..
Hence I suggest the brother insha'Allah, either goes with her to school or relegate the task to the mother but either way become involved early so this doesn't blow out of proportion or to a level actually damaging to her emotionally ...

I believe this cute little girl will find herself lovely friends with whom she can grow up with and be happy in her life insha'Allah.. having bad days or meeting with cruel people is just a part of life, we must all deal with...albeit difficult for a little one when all you want to do is shelter them from the cruelties of this world..

anyhow I don't know if any of this made sense, I hope I dont regret it after my nap :X but I have been up forever

 

[جوري]

I've just run this one past my daughter-in-law who is a school teacher at a state school in the south eats of England and her remark was "I don't believe him."

Me thinks 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark!'

It is quite possible for pre-school they don't take more than 7-10 kids in a class, and it isn't an all day thing..
quite possible indeed, she is the only one of her kind...

 

[Sahabiyaat]

I cant offer advice but shall certainly pray in this holy month for your daughter, May Allah accpet all our Dua's, Ameen. It must be extremely hard for you but have patience my brother.

 

[Ansariyah]

This hurts. May ALlah keep ur child strong n Protect her from all evil amiin.

Keep telling ur daughter that she's special. With a loving Dad like u, InshaAllah her heart will always be safe.

I wud set those kids straight myself..Like I did for my lil niece when she came home crying cause this lil mean girl kept calling her names.

Often those mean lil kids have mean parents.

 

[Re.TiReD]

:wasalamex

Awww that is so sad

Sad mainly because my cousins started school last week and they're loving it alhamdulillah, school is meant to be an enriching experience for kids and moulds them and their future personalities into something strong, beautiful and amazing.

I guess thats one reason considering an Islamic School would be good, since being in that environment might give her a sense of self-worth and boost her esteem. However, (and I dont mean to be rude), you might just be taking the flight option over the fight one. How about you go to the school and speak with the teachers. Find out what is happening etc?

I can understand how painful it must be for you since I've younger siblings round about the same age. And I'd do anything to protect them. I've taught kids who had been bullied and I could see the feeling powerlessess in their eyes.

SubhanAlah bro, may Allah (swt) keep you and yours safe always. Ameen.

WassalamuAlaykum

 

[Güven]

SubhanAllah , The innocence of a child

maybe you should let her meet friends outside school like from the neighbourhood or the ones who come to the masjid and if they are keep bullying her orsomething go straight to their Parents..

May Allah Bless you and your Child

Wa Aleykum Selam

 

[Hamayun]

Subhan Allah! I am overwhelmed by your responses.Thank you for all your kind words Brothers and Sisters.

I live in Dagenham (Essex) which is although classed as "Greater London" it isn't actually London.

There are no Asian people in our area and the school does have a few Asian kids but not in my daughter's class. I am not sure if more kids will join later on.

Hope that clears the confusion.

I spoke to a Madrasa and they said she needs to be at least 5 years old to join

I will speak to her teacher to see if she can maybe help her make friends.

I feel really embarrassed about making such a big deal about it but I love my daughter too much. She is a princess in my eyes and for someone to treat her like 2nd class is heartbreaking.

I am grateful to everyone that has replied.

I am still considering admitting her to an Islamic school though if we can find a way of paying for it.

 

[Hamayun]

I've just run this one past my daughter-in-law who is a school teacher at a state school in the south eats of England and her remark was "I don't believe him."

Me thinks 'something is rotten in the state of Denmark!'

Thinker have you ever got anything positive to say? Why on earth would I lie about it??? I am beginning to form a very bad opinion of you.

As I mentioned in my earlier post I live in Dagnenham (Essex) and you will struggle to find Asian people in my neighbourhood.

Hope that satisfies your twisted and doubtful mind!!

Is it in your nature to doubt everything everyone says? :?