I am being apprehensive about my conduct as a wife, Please clarify some issues !

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Ask your husband what he thinks. Ring him and ask for his true thoughts. Communicate with him and get to the bottom of it.

No point just making assumptions. Ask him frankly whether he minds and if it upsets him and whether he would want you to go back to him

If you mind is set on never going over to him then there is little point in being married to him in the first place. It's kind of a silly reason to remain married by name just so you don't get any proposals.

You can edit your posts after you've become a full member (once you've made 50 posts I think).
 
Alpha Dude said:
Ask your husband what he thinks. Ring him and ask for his true thoughts. Communicate with him and get to the bottom of it. No point just making assumptions. Ask him frankly whether he minds and if it upsets him and whether he would want you to go back to himIf you mind is set on never going over to him then there is little point in being married to him in the first place. It's kind of a silly reason to remain married by name just so you don't get any proposals.You can edit your posts after you've become a full member (once you've made 50 posts I think).
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We do not talk, but he once sent a text saying he wished I was there . That's all. It's just a wish. Not an order. A wife is supposed to obey the orders. No human being can grant wishes. I am not a Santa claus.So, until I do not receive a direct order from him to come back I can stay here without committing any sin.I read this thing 2 days back that God becomes angry with the woman who does not obey her husband. It sort of freaked me out. It was written in a very threatening tone, therefore, I am very worried.
 
shahbano is a word from Farsi (not a Semitic name). So you seem to be from Central Asian regions. The only country I can think of that America is punishing atm seems to be one of the Arab countries (or Afghanistan, I doubt you are a pakhtoona though).

Not that of any of it probably matters. Your story is quite intriguing though. You guys end up married, and then dont talk much. Your father is a liberal man, yet he never allows non-mehrams in the gardens. Dont know what to really make of it. Maybe there is cultural clash. I dont know.

I guess you can just communicate with your husband what he really wants and get the point across him that you are worried that you might be sinning by living away from him.

edit: if he sent you an sms saying he wishes you were there, that is quite obvious, isnt it? Maybe he is too much of a gentleman to "order" you. maybe he is assuming you are smart enough to understand his feelings and comply and return to him.
 
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CosmicPathos said:
shahbano is a word from Farsi. So you seem to be from Central Asian regions. The only country I can think of that America is punishing atm seems to be one of the Arab countries.

Not that of any of it probably matters. Your story is quite intriguing though. You guys end up married, and then dont talk much. Your father is a liberal man, yet he never allows non-mehrams in the gardens. Dont know what to really make of it. Maybe there is cultural clash. I dont know.

I guess you can just communicate with your husband what he really wants and get the point across him that you are worried that you might be sinning by living away from him.

edit: if he sent you an sms saying he wishes you were there, that is quite obvious, isnt it? Maybe he is too much of a gentleman to "order" you. maybe he is assuming you are smart enough to understand his feelings and comply and return to him.
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By the way you used word " interesting" I understood you wanted to say contradictory.

America is punishing Afghanistan, Mr. My husband and father both are Afghans, but my father chose to settle in a neighbouring country. Husband lives in Afghanistan. No servants were allowed---in the convent where I spent 13 years. I used to visit my father only during winter vacation and that too when he was not serving in hard areas.
I specifically told I felt comfortable with my father's staff , I am not comfortable with my husband and his household staff.

I did not like the insinuation of being less than truthful.
 
ShahBano said:
By the way you used word " interesting" I understood you wanted to say contradictory.

America is punishing Afghanistan, Mr. My husband and father both are Afghans, but my father chose to settle in a neighbouring country. Husband lives in Afghanistan. No servants were allowed---in the convent where I spent 13 years. I used to visit my father only during winter vacation and that too when he was not serving in hard areas.
I specifically told I felt comfortable with my father's staff , I am not comfortable with my husband and his household staff.

I did not like the insinuation of being less than truthful.
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No, I did not mean contradictory, I just said intriguing. And neither am I insinuating you are lying, not sure why you thought so. Apologize if it came across that way though.

So my guesstimate was right about the country and the region.

You also mentioned that you are not comfortable with the husband. This was not mentioned in the original post you had. So that is the problem, is not it? You are not comfortable with him and you want to be away from him. So why not just get a divorce? Because as long as you remain his wife, he'd "wish" you to be there. So why put him in unnecessary agony?
 
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CosmicPathos said:
No, I did not mean contradictory, I just said intriguing. And neither am I insinuating you are lying, not sure why you thought so. Apologize if it came across that way though.

So my guesstimate was right about the country and the region.

You also mentioned that you are not comfortable with the husband. This was not mentioned in the original post you had. So that is the problem, is not it? You are not comfortable with him and you want to be away from him. So why not just get a divorce? Because as long as you remain his wife, he'd "wish" you to be there. So why put him in unnecessary agony?
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I am sorry for being emotional. I am just getting a bit agitated as I am not proving very good at communicating myself and my issue properly. Some core issue is either being left unsaid, mis-conveyed or misunderstood.

1--I do not want to take divorce. He never said he wants to divorce me.
2--He does not need a wife to cook or clean for him because he lives in a very comfortable and affluent household. So , my absence is not causing him any discomfort.
3---I specifically told him that I had no issue with his re-marriage. When he came escort me to air-base, I said this again and he did not show any negative response, he just smiled and went away.
4---Difference between wish/order-----As a wife , I am supposed to obey orders and I will.
5---Meanwhile, I do not know what he is thinking and asking is dangerous--what if he says come back, than I would have to obey him. Though, yes you are right, he is a gentleman, but I would rather not test the commanding and controlling skills of a man who is a tribal head of more than 100 sub clans.

So the crux of the matter----until no direct order is received to act otherwise, by staying away I am not sinning as per shariah law or am I?

I hope I have been candid and clear this time. I apologize for any miscommunication; it was not intentional, I just did not realize how to put my question across to you people .
 
Can I ask what kind of convent you were raised in?
I have never heard of convents in Islam.
 
Salaam,

Well if you two like each other, then stay with each other. If you don't like each other, then separate....

It comes down all to this, if you think about simplistically.
 
glo said:
Can I ask what kind of convent you were raised in?
I have never heard of convents in Islam.
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Who said it was an Islamic Convent ?
instead of being sarcastic, had you read my original post than you would have known that I clearly said I could not get knowledge of my religion because i was educated and raised at a Convent. convents exist only within Christians and 7 billion people on this earth are not practicing Muslims.

Do you want to dish out Any more sarcasm ?
 
ShahBano said:
Who said it was an Islamic Convent ?
instead of being sarcastic, had you read my original post than you would have known that I clearly said I could not get knowledge of my religion because i was educated and raised at a Convent. convents exist only within Christians and 7 billion people on this earth are not practicing Muslims.

Do you want to dish out Any more sarcasm ?
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I am not sarcastic, ShahBano. I am interested.
I read your original post and it did not clearly state what kind of convent it was.

Like I said, I have never heard of Islamic convents, but I did not want to make an assumption. So it seemed easiest to ask you.

Thank you for answering my question. I did not mean to upset you.

I hope you find the answer to your problem. Salaam
 
glo said:

I am not sarcastic, ShahBano. I am interested.
I read your original post and it did not clearly state what kind of convent it was.

Like I said, I have never heard of Islamic convents, but I did not want to make an assumption. So it seemed easiest to ask you.

Thank you for answering my question. I did not mean to upset you.

I hope you find the answer to your problem. Salaam
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It was a Catholic Convent, a very serene and protected place. I lost my mother at a very young age and Sisters and especially my Mother Superior took me under her wings. I would always be thankful to them for the love and protection and sense of belonging they provided to me.

Sorry for acting irrationally, I am really sorry. I just do not know what happened to me, why I acted with such agitation.
My apologies.

I am doing a bad job here, it seems.
 
Salam alaykum;

actually I too was wondering same word (Convent) but then thought I might understood it wrongly (bad english). Anyway, may Allah shows you best way how to resolve this problem.
 
thank you every one for taking out your time and answering me.

I hope by the grace of God, I will know how to choose a path, which will not make me either sinful or unduly troublesome.
 
Sister ShahBano are you a Muslim yourself? Is your father a Christian?

If you feel uncomfortable talking to men other than your father and his immediate staff, I see two options for you. You can explain everything to your father and ask him to talk to an Imam from the local Masjid for advice whether you will be considered sinful in the eyes of Allah for being away form your husband. I expect if you permanently wish to be away with him, a divorce could be recommended. Your father can explain (or even talk to your husband first to get his side of things, maybe he's as uncomfortable talking to women as you are with men) you are uncomfortable with your husband and he consented for you to return to your father's home.

Another option, as I expect your husband does want you back with him but wants it to be of your own free will, not just because he ordered you to return. Or maybe he prefers you somewhere safer while things are dangerous in his country.(in which case its probably best you stay where you are and I think its not a sin to do so, if your husband agrees with you being in a place of safety during dangerous times.) What you can do is ask your husband, if you return, if you can have separate apartment from the bulk of his household, so you can associate with him as needed, but don't' have to deal with other male staff. From what I recall many homes in Islamic states have separate entrances for the women and their own rooms.

As for getting comfortable being with your husband, such as being touched by him, sharing the same bed etc, that comes with time. I don't know how long you have been married but since this was an arranged marriage, it will take time to get to know him as a person etc.
 
ShahBano said:
It was a Catholic Convent, a very serene and protected place. I lost my mother at a very young age and Sisters and especially my Mother Superior took me under her wings. I would always be thankful to them for the love and protection and sense of belonging they provided to me.

Sorry for acting irrationally, I am really sorry. I just do not know what happened to me, why I acted with such agitation.
My apologies.

I am doing a bad job here, it seems.
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No problem, ShahBano. We all get like this from time to time.
You came here for help and advice, and my question must have seemed unhelpful at best.

I am glad that you received love and care and protection from the sisters, when you grew up.
I just wonder whether Catholic sisters are the best people to equip a young woman for marriage ...

Who gave you Islamic advice when you prepared for your marriage?

Peace
 
glo said:

No problem, ShahBano. We all get like this from time to time.
You came here for help and advice, and my question must have seemed unhelpful at best.

I am glad that you received love and care and protection from the sisters, when you grew up.
I just wonder whether Catholic sisters are the best people to equip a young woman for marriage ...

Who gave you Islamic advice when you prepared for your marriage?

Peace
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My catholic sisters/nuns and especially my Mother Superior , were my role models. I had never had any other women to relate to anyways.
it's a life long habit of 13 years of restrain, purity and protection. I can't let it go just like that.

No one advised or counselled me before my marriage, I do not have any cousin sisters who are within my age bracket, some are too old and others are too young.

It' d be alright, I suppose. It, too shall pass. Neither my father nor my husband has asked me to live with him/ or go back, so I suppose I am doing fine by staying where I am. When one of them would strictly pass an order, I will obey it quietly......End Of Story, I suppose.
 
dqsunday said:
Sister ShahBano are you a Muslim yourself? Is your father a Christian?

.
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I am a Muslim and so is my father; but I think you people won't consider him a practicing Muslim---as he is a tad bit irregular where prayers and fasting is concerned. He does not have a beard as well. But practicing or not, I still consider him to be the best man on this earth.

PS---I have never declared my faith so many times before in my life.^o)
 
if your husband does not mind, and you are living with a mahram (your father) at the end of the day i guess its ok - im not a scholar though

just my uneducated opinion
 
I think you best bet is to talk to your father and ask him to consult with your husband on what is best for you. In the mean time pray to Allah for guidance. Remember, taking the easy way out isn't always the best way. I have made several good suggestions but I am not getting any indication you are going to consider any. Being a good wife and getting used to the fact you do have to be men other than your father and his staff is all part of dealing with change. If you don't want to be married and just want to spend the rest of your days with your father, then get a divorce. Allah puts hardship in our paths to test us and facing up to these challenges is good.

You find it hard to talk to your husband. Use an intermediary (like your father) to help explain your side and feelings and hopefully your husband feels comfortable enough to explain his side of things. Its really the only way to know for sure what your husband really wants. Also none of us here know what sort of man he is. You have a better idea than any of us and even then I don't think you know him at all. He may be shy with women, he may prefer you return out of your own free will not just because he commanded you to return. Maybe he couldn't care less either way, there is just no way for us to know.

Just doing nothing isn't right either because its the easiest for you. I don't have the knowledge to say whether its a sin or not but my instincts say its better to make an effort than do nothing. Communication sounds like the biggest issue here. Work on that with my suggestions..It may take awhile as i have no idea how solid the lines of communication are between your father and your husband (ie if they can talk via internet, either live chat type thing, or email etc) or over standard phone. Or just to find a time both are available to talk. Till then, pray for guidance from Allah and forgiveness if you are not performing your duties as wife by staying away. Allah is all merciful and all caring.
 
A wife 'obeys' 'orders' but she also has obligations that are not needed to be directly said by your husband, meaning obligations you should be aware of, such as for example sexual needs. Also for him to say "I wish you were here" that's enough for you to understand and do your outmost best to be there for him, unless he has done something to you and it needs to be sorted out, which you say he hasn't. You are not a solider who obeys orders, you are a woman and a wife who has the obligation to strive to be the best wife possible to her husband.

We are not in any place to say you are sinning, but I'm afraid you are relying too strongly on the wording "obey your husband". Maybe it would be good to ask him, it is your obligation as a wife to make sure he is fine with you and your actions.

And Allah knows best.
 
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