I am being apprehensive about my conduct as a wife, Please clarify some issues !

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salam u alaycum

i asked a shaykh for you, (he has an ijaza in jurisprudence)

he said there is no problem for you to leave if your husband has given you permission.

but your husband has the right to ask you to stay with him if he wishes.

hope that clears it up
 
dqsunday

please do not think so that I took lightly of any suggestion or advice , which has been given to me here. Had I been nonchalant about the issue, I would not even have asked or even considered it in the first place. Before posting it here, I have been thinking and contemplating about it since last 1.5 weeks.

I have saved all the given advice in my notebook to read it again and again and to imbibe and apply the way my situation requires.

Al-Zaara

yes, the point which is troubling me is the idea of committing a sin unknowingly. I know that I should ask him directly, but it feels doubly strange to initiate communication ( which I have never done so before, even when I lived in his house, nature of his official and tribal responsibilities required him to move and travel suddenly and for indeterminable period, but I never called him to ask where he was, I am not a good communicator ) Secondly I am slightly apprehensive , what if he asked me to come back. Then of course, I won't have any alternative. So for these two reasons I am avoiding to ring him up.

tango92

Thank you so much for doing this act of kindness:thankyou:. that was really nice of you.
Yes, I do have his permission, not exactly in verbal sense. Because he kept quiet when I sort of insisted on going back. But I would, or I could not have come without his practical assistance; he arranged a special seat for me , and despite being on high security risk himself, he sent 3 of his own personal body guards with me to escort me to my father's place. So his permission is there.
I would never have come otherwise. I never even went out of my own home without taking my father's permission before, even if it was only for going up to the bakery or a book shop. So, it's not that I sort of sneaked out of his house. He even came to the base to say good bye.
:sunny: Thanks again for asking a scholar.
 
ShahBano, you probably do have his permission, and hence he arranged all those things for you, but the more important question is that was his permission out of his free-will? Maybe he did not argue back just to keep you happy?

I think you should reconsider this whole situation by being a bit more empathetic about him. I am not saying you are being cruel, but I just think that you are not going beyond verbal communication and are not listening for unsaid things. Words are only a mere 20% of our communication and emotions.

All the best.
salam
 
Salaam sis, I was wondering whether you might have an issue with living with a man? Could that be the reason you feel uncomfortable being a wife?

You don't really have to answer here but maybe it is a question you can ask yourself.

The thing about us guys (not all but some) is that we feel very responsible in making sure that the people who are under our responsibility are properly cared for and happy. Maybe when he realised that you are uncomfortable it made him feel that he is not doing his job and so he decided to let you leave as that is what you want in hopes that it will make you happy.

I can't say much on the issue as I am not experienced in this field but I hope I helped you out a bit!
 
Sister ShahBano: I am glad to hear you are contemplating all advice being given. Sorry if I offended or caused you any distress of any kind. Reading your last reply I am realizing you are a very humble and meek person, not one to speak first etc. As you are uneasy about taking the initiative to talk to your husband, preferring he contact or talk to you first...have you asked your father if he can talk to him on your behalf?

Actually, given what you posted above, it occurs to me you are simply reluctant to return to your husband at this time. But are worried you are committing a sin in the eyes of God more than anything. From what others have posted and what I remember of the Qur'an, since it does appear your husband has given his permission to be apart from him, I don't think there is any sin on your part. Given your husband is in a war zone, having you safe from harm may be a comfort to him.

One thing you can do is ask if you can return for a short period as a visit so you can be with your husband, get a chance to talk with him then return back to your father. This way if he has other 'needs' that can only be met by his wife, you aren't totally denying him this, assuming its something you do wish to give him.

I wish I could be more help...I used to always help my friends when they had problems in their marriage but we are definitely from totally difficult cultures and I am very new to Islam and don't know all the ins and outs about marriage in Islam and the rights of husband/wife. But one thing I have noticed in my past efforts to help my friends..its lack of communication. Its hard for couples to talk to each other at times..especially if they had been arguing etc. I don't get the impression you are arguing or upset with your husband or he with you. But its plain talking to him about anything is not easy for you. Talking is the number one way people get to know each other and form friendships and your marriage was not done by the typical Western method (boy meets girl, boy and girl become friends, fall in love, get married).

As i expect your husband is a busy man and probably doesn't have much time to just sit and chat even online, maybe write him letters and send them via email. I don't know if you will find it easier to express your thoughts to him in this format, but some people find it easier to write letters than talk face to face or via phone. I don't mean talk about whether he wants you to come back etc, but just as you would writing to a new friend. Ask him what was his favorite sport as a child? His best memory of his youth? What is his favorite dessert? You can ask which Surah is his favorite. What is his favorite color? Which of Allah's creations does he like the most? (ie what animals) Does he like horseback riding? All those simple little questions may seen trivial but its how we get to know each other. It may also serve to just make things easier to talk as he won't see so much as THE HUSBAND but more like a friend.
 
Dqsunday's suggestion to spend a bit of time with your husband is a good one!
How well do you know each other?
Have you ever spent time together, just talking and getting to know one another?

If you don't know somebody, how can you trust them? If you can't trust them, how can you feel affectionate towards them?
 
Salaam ShahBano,

As someone who also lived in a convent, I appreciate some of great changes that married life must have brought for you. It's been 15 years for me since I left and I still struggle some days. Alhamdulillah, my husband helps me with this.

I agree with others that your husband may be trying to be polite and seeking a wife who wants to be with him, not someone who is there out of duty.

While it is a bit unusual to suggest, perhaps you should consult the Mother Superior on this matter. I say this not because she is knowledgeable in Islam and Sharia matters but because she is knowledgeable of you in particular. After having you in her convent for all these years, surely she is not entirely ignorant of Islam and she may be sensitive to your cultural needs as well. She also is likely to be respectful of your wish to not pursue a divorce, as divorce is nonexistent in Catholicism. Building a marriage is difficult. Having a person that you trust who you can consult about matters of your feelings can be extremely helpful.

I hope that you find joy and peace.
 
It's not that we never spend any time together, we did; like when his nieces and nephews visited from abroad, he offered us---all children---to teach us sword fighting, or sometime he would come to destitute house where I work as a part time teacher ( it's not mine, it's his, I just offered to work there). I am not a complete dunderhead, I can talk to people; and I did talk to him when there were other people around like female members of his staff- be it household or the destitute house for girls ). It's just that if he comes to my lodgings when there is no other person around that I freak out.

Besides how can I spend quality time with anyone when he suddenly disappears and that too sometimes for 2 to 3 weeks.

But , alright I would do as you people suggested, I would talk to my father and ask him to ask him that if he had any problem with my staying here; though I am sure my father would be more amused than worried by my reluctance.

Thank you every one.
Sorry I proved such a nut case for all of you.:embarrass
 
Naeema said:
Salaam ShahBano,

As someone who also lived in a convent, I appreciate some of great changes that married life must have brought for you. It's been 15 years for me since I left and I still struggle some days. Alhamdulillah, my husband helps me with this.

I agree with others that your husband may be trying to be polite and seeking a wife who wants to be with him, not someone who is there out of duty.

While it is a bit unusual to suggest, perhaps you should consult the Mother Superior on this matter. I say this not because she is knowledgeable in Islam and Sharia matters but because she is knowledgeable of you in particular. After having you in her convent for all these years, surely she is not entirely ignorant of Islam and she may be sensitive to your cultural needs as well. She also is likely to be respectful of your wish to not pursue a divorce, as divorce is nonexistent in Catholicism. Building a marriage is difficult. Having a person that you trust who you can consult about matters of your feelings can be extremely helpful.

I hope that you find joy and peace.
Click to expand...

Thanks Naeema:)

This is a nice idea, I would ask my father to take me to that city, he would be happy. It's a lovely hill station and my father always liked visiting it.
Wow, I never even thought of it; strange--I kept on missing my Mother Superior all those years, since I left the Convent, I even cried in my husband's house a lot, when I used to miss my convent but I actually never thought of asking their advice. How stupid I am,:confused:
 

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