I don't know how to tell my children

[ardianto]

I think not everyone here knows my story, especially new members. So, I will start from beginning.

I got married in 1994 with my ex-classmate in highschool, and then we have two children. In mid of 2009 my wife got breast cancer, and she passed away on June 2013. So I became a widower with two children.

People who know me personally and know about my married life see me as good husband. That's why then they start to encourage me to get married again. But whenever they told me about it, I always reply with smile.

But to be honest, life as widower sometime makes me feel lonely, especially when I saw a happy couple. It sometime made me think to look for a new wife. However, everytime I thought about it, I always remember my children. I am worry, my children cannot accept if I get married again. I am worry they will be unhappy.

Finally I made a decision to 'throw away' thought about getting married again and only focus in raising up my children. I convinced myself that I can live without someone beside me, and still can be happy. Even I began to enjoy my live as 'single'.

But something happened.

One morning someone came to my office to say condolence. She just knew that my wife has passed away. Then we were in conversation which she told me that she had divorced since long time enough and doesn't have child.

Suddenly a question arise in my mind "Does Allah wants me to ........... ". I don't know why, I felt like Allah sent her to meet me again.

I know her when I was young. And the last contact with her happened in phone when she told me that she already married, more than a year after I got married. Then I never in contact with her again. But I always remember her as someone who very kind to me, very attentive to me.

We agree to build a contact again. In the beginning I felt 'lazy' to contact her. But then she sent a message to my phone. I replied, and then we start contact again. Yes, by phone which mostly in message form. We met just twice because I am so busy with my job and my children, while she is working too.

I can feel that she is still very kind to me, still very attentive. It made me think again about my thought to remain ‘single’. I asked my heart, and finally I made a decision, I will introduce her to my children as the first step to the new life.

But, I don't know how to tell my children. They must be know my intention if I introduce her to them. I am worry they cannot accept it, and it will make them depressed.

I don't know how to tell my children about it. I don't know how to tell my children about her.

 

[ardianto]

Thanks for approving this thread.

 

[Muslim Woman]

br , I think it's a good idea that u want to start a new life . May Allah makes it easy for u and bless ur marriage .

Offer Istekhra before ur next step . Take advice from child specialist if needed ,also talk to others who went through same experiences . I pray that everything goes fine with u and kids and her.

 

[Zafran]

salaam

Brother its up to you. If you want to marry again, it might even make life easier. If you have an understanding and know this person then it could be good for you.

peace

 

[Abdullahh]

Personally, I could not remarry. I believe marriage is eternal as long as its a good marriage. But, you aren't me. I say pray for guidance and allow Allah to show you the way my brother. Best wishes to you, and to your children. My condolences as well, I truly felt your pain when I read your post about your wife. I think your children will understand as long as you are completely honest with them, and just explain yourself clearly.

 

[greenhill]

I forgot if you ever mentioned your children's age in your previous posts as this would affect how the subject is broached.

It is important to also elaborate that our deen allows for this. (But in your case you are already single).

Explain very clearly that

1) Allah encourages people to marry so as to prevent from falling into temptations and committing sins. And that it is time for you to look also to your future whilst you are still young enough to build up for it.
2) That you may share your duties to care for your children
3) That they will (if they were supportive) gain a woman's care and not just from the man that is their father
4) That this new arrangement does not in anyway diminish the memory of their mother and the history you had together (as your children ARE a constant reminder of this)
5) Seeing as we do not know what is our future, you are also entitled to share it with someone for your own company and support. (Rasulullah also remarried after Khadijah passed away)
6) That it is not against any laws for you to do so.
7) Most importantly, they should trust and give you also an opportunity to rebuild the life for your family to make it 'whole' again. It will never be the same as it was, but with their cooperation and trust in you as a father, you and your children may have a better future.

It is hard. All the best.



eace:

 

[ardianto]

Jazak Allahu Khayran for your response, bro and sis.

There is a thread in this section which a brother asked about rejecting 'proposal' and silaturahim. I gave him an advice that include an example. There was a girl who interested to me, but I did not respond her and even then I chose another girl. However, it did not make her cut her silaturahim with me. We always greet each other when we met. That girl was her.

Yes, she had special feeling toward me. Her friends knew it too because she told them. But she could understand when I chose another girl. She was still kind and attentive to me. Frankly, this is what made me have positive view on her and realize that actually she could be the right wife if I chose her.

We start to communicate again after we meet again. This communication is intensive enough. But immediately I realize something after I notice how we communicate and what we say, and it makes me decide I should introduce her to my children. I think you can guess what would happen in intensive communication between a man and a woman which this woman has special attention toward this man, and this man has positive view toward her.

Marriage is the best way out of this situation.

But I realize too that this is too fast. My children seem like still cannot accept a new woman beside me. So my challenge is how to make my children understand it although for this time I have no idea how to tell my children. I love my children, but I cannot lie to myself that I am just ordinary man who can feel lonely too.

If I planned to remarry and then start to look for someone, the situation would be easier because I could tell my children before I meet someone. But it happen without planned before.

 

[ardianto]

Personally, I could not remarry.

I thought like that too. That's why I didn't look for new wife although some people around me encourage me for it. But fate made me meet someone and I began to realize that I am just ordinary man.

I still and always love my late wife. I always make dua for her. But she is no longer with me. As ordinary man I have an instinct to have a companion. I am sure, if my late wife knew it she could understand.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Ardianto,

(big smile) I am really happy to hear this! I sorry I didn't post sooner, but my internet was knocked out by the extreme cold we're having here.

I hope everything works out for you two. It is, I think, a healthy thing to open the heart to living again. (twinkle) And I had a soft spot for the woman you mentioned. To be honest, as you said that she cared for you, it did not sound quite kind to me that you would go hot and cold on her.

As for your children… there are many books on blended families. You might want to read a few. (smile) Online opinions are all very well, but this is a subject that requires deeper knowledge and thought. Is it difficult? Yes, of course. But then, to truly live life in full gratitude towards the One Who Gave us Life, one must struggle, I believe. How? (smile) By putting one foot in front of the other and just soldiering on.

How will everything turn out? Only He Knows. But as long as you hold to the essence of Islam, things should go well. I mean that if you remember the balance of justice, kindness and love between your children and your wife, I believe that this should be good for you. (gently) Human love does not conquer all. And sometimes we need to let go of illusions. But if we hold the Love of our Creator and the desire to do what Pleases Him foremost in our minds, this Love will Guide us truly. (Big smile) And if your wife holds these same values...

May Allah, the Resurrector, grow a garden of joy in you and your loved ones' hearts.

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam sister MuslimInshallah.

Actually me and her haven't talk about marriage. Even mostly of our communication happen through phone message. Like yesterday, few times we exchanged messages, at noon, at afternoon, and at evening. Nothing important in these messages, but we did it because we missed each other. I can't deny it, and I am sure, her too. [smile]

That's why I decided to introduce her to my children as the 'first step'. Yes sis, I realize, the only halal way if me and her want to always together is getting married.

Maybe my worry that my children will not accept her is exaggerative. Indeed, they will never accept anyone as their new mother, but maybe they still can accept an 'auntie' as their father companion. Learn from other men experience I think I should not urge them to call my new wife as "mom" but should let them call her as "auntie". Of course I will always love my children without reduce my love to them.

I am waiting the right time to introduce her to my children. And I will also make dua, wish Allah give easiness. Need patience too in this matter, of course.

Amin for your du'a sis. Jazakillah Khayr.

 

[greenhill]

Some people won't remarry and some do. It's a personal matter. I see virtues in both.

If the heart opens and the mind says ok (she is known to you, not somebody entirely new), so... what is to be done?

Introduce the person to them and when they have gotten to know her then ask .... :embarrass

It's a tough one.

 

[~Zaria~]

The notion of 'one man for one woman' is largely based on non-muslim views on love and marriage. It is the type of story that is promoted repeatedly by Hollywood, Bollywood and the media - i.e. the search for the 'one, true love', that is meant to last a person's lifetime.

While this is may be a romantic and sweet notion on love (and one that many people cling onto, often resulting from exposure to movies and novels that glorify this concept), it is not from islamic teachings and the sunnah of the prophet :saws:.

Unfortunately, it is largely culture that results in family and friends frowning upon the widow/ widower who decides to re-marry soon after the loss of his/ her spouse. Yet, at the time of the prophet :saws:, re-marriage was considered the norm and was encouraged.

Please listen to an excellent lecture that mentions this topic by Moulana Sulaiman Moola (from South Africa, and well-known and respected internationally):

http://www.islaaminfo.co.za/index.p...more20prettymp3&option=com_weblinks&Itemid=53


May Allah (subhanawataa'la) grant the best for yourself and your children for both the worlds, akhi.
Ameen

:wa:

 

[jameelash]

SALAM,one cant sacrifice ones life the sake of children.kids once grown will have their own life nd own problems.this the time wen single father feel depressed.even later
most of the childrenlater feel happy father has remarried wen they may have their ownproblems to take care of their single father.talk with ur elders.if u have reliable sibling let them speak to ur kids of ur marriage.they will sure to understand.u should discuss with the girl u indend to marry of ur kids.she should be readyto be mother to ur kids.everything should be openly discussed.if possible find out of ur chosen girls background.it shud be good religious back ground.wat they want to call let the kids and ur wouldbe decide.give theM a free hand.may ALLAH HELP U TAKE GOOD DECISION.PRAY ISTHIHARA DAILY.

 

[ardianto]

SALAM,one cant sacrifice ones life the sake of children.kids once grown will have their own life nd own problems.this the time wen single father feel depressed.even later
most of the childrenlater feel happy father has remarried wen they may have their ownproblems to take care of their single father.talk with ur elders.if u have reliable sibling let them speak to ur kids of ur marriage.they will sure to understand.u should discuss with the girl u indend to marry of ur kids.she should be readyto be mother to ur kids.everything should be openly discussed.if possible find out of ur chosen girls background.it shud be good religious back ground.wat they want to call let the kids and ur wouldbe decide.give theM a free hand.may ALLAH HELP U TAKE GOOD DECISION.PRAY ISTHIHARA DAILY.

Wa'alaikumsalam

Child's happiness is parent's happiness. This is what taught by my parents. And then I can feel it. Yes, I always feel a happiness whenever my children happy.

Indeed, the factor that make me hesitate to remarry is my children. I am worry it will make them unhappy. But in another hand, I am just an ordinary man who feel 'empty' without someone beside me. So, now I will try to find the way to make my children still happy, and I am happy too.

My big family actually have no problem if I remarry, as long as I do not neglect my responsibility toward my children.

Will I give new mother to my children?. No. My children cannot accept a new woman as their new mother. But I hope they can still accept an 'aunty' as my life companion. I learned it from the older men experiences.

I never met my grandma from my father side. She passed away before my father got married. Then my grandpa married again, but my father and his siblings called their stepmother as 'aunty'. My father in-law got married again after my mother in-law passed away. My late wife and her siblings did not call her as "mom".

In one side, indeed, it could my new wife feel rejected by my children. So, I should be able to make her understand. Frankly, if I married a woman with children, I am ready if my step children did not call me as "father". I could understand it although I would still treat them as my own children.

About the woman who I intend to marry. I knew her as good person. Indeed, she tried to get my attention, but she was not aggressive like other girls. Now I notice she is still same. The only difference is now she wear hijab. Yeah, maybe for some people she is not 'good' enough because she dare to communicate privately with me who is not her mahram. But I will try to make this 'silaturahim' not 'out from the right track'.

 

[ardianto]

The notion of 'one man for one woman' is largely based on non-muslim views on love and marriage. It is the type of story that is promoted repeatedly by Hollywood, Bollywood and the media - i.e. the search for the 'one, true love', that is meant to last a person's lifetime.

While this is may be a romantic and sweet notion on love (and one that many people cling onto, often resulting from exposure to movies and novels that glorify this concept), it is not from islamic teachings and the sunnah of the prophet :saws:.

Unfortunately, it is largely culture that results in family and friends frowning upon the widow/ widower who decides to re-marry soon after the loss of his/ her spouse. Yet, at the time of the prophet :saws:, re-marriage was considered the norm and was encouraged.

Please listen to an excellent lecture that mentions this topic by Moulana Sulaiman Moola (from South Africa, and well-known and respected internationally):

http://www.islaaminfo.co.za/index.p...more20prettymp3&option=com_weblinks&Itemid=53


May Allah (subhanawataa'la) grant the best for yourself and your children for both the worlds, akhi.
Ameen

:wa:

:wasalam:
"One man for one woman" is principle that based on loyalty. But this loyalty actually is not beyond the death. It's mean if a man lost his wife because death, he can remarry with new woman and repeat this principle again. So, this is different than custom in some ancient cultures which a widow should not remarry as sign of loyalty to her deceased husband.

I used this principle in my married life. It's because I did not want to have another wife, and also I did not intend to change my wife through divorce and then get married again with another woman. Yes, this was based on loyalty to my wife. But like I've said, this loyalty is not beyond the death. This is why now I intend to remarry. Of course, if I get married again I will give my loyalty to my new wife.

There is no problem with my culture or my family. I lost my father when I was 20 and few years later my mother got married again. But of course, too soon to get married again for someone who has children considered is unethical, because it's considered as neglecting his/her main duty, take care of his/her children.

Take care of children is priority that should be taken by someone who lost his/her spouse. After the condition of the children has been stable, then he/she can make decision to remarry. How long to reach this stable condition?. It's varied. It can be few months, can be one year, can be few years.

Amin for your du'a, sis. Jazakillah khayr.

 

[فصيح الياسين]

Hahaha. .. adrinto adrinto... may allah help u good bro

 

[~Zaria~]

I lost my father when I was 20 and few years later my mother got married again. But of course, too soon to get married again for someone who has children considered is unethical, because it's considered as neglecting his/her main duty, take care of his/her children.

Take care of children is priority that should be taken by someone who lost his/her spouse. After the condition of the children has been stable, then he/she can make decision to remarry. How long to reach this stable condition?. It's varied. It can be few months, can be one year, can be few years.

Amin for your du'a, sis. Jazakillah khayr.

Ameen.

This is exactly the point that Moulana Moola speaks about in the first segment of his talk.

In shaa Allah, have a listen - there is much wisdom in his words.

(Also to note, that a new wife results in a new maternal-figure for children in a single parent home...
By the will of Allah, there can be only goodness that results from a marriage based on the principles of the sunaah of the prophet :saws1:, and when seeking Allah's pleasure in all matters.)

:wa:

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams all.

I'm not a widower, I'm not even married, so I can't talk about it out of experience.

All I can say is there are loads of people who remarry once they become a widow/widower and the children have been accepting. There is a man who lives near me who remarried when he was about 50 and he now has 2 children with his new wife. Some of his children from his first wife were not accepting at first, but eventually they did accept the new wife and everyone is happy now.

I hope it works out for you, and all the best. I'm so excited on your behalf. You are one of the kindest, most generous hearted posters on here and I am so happy for you. Try and talk to the kids and ask them how they would feel. Don't drop the bombshell on them without any warning.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

:wasalam:
"One man for one woman" is principle that based on loyalty...

I used this principle in my married life. It's because I did not want to have another wife, and also I did not intend to change my wife through divorce and then get married again with another woman. Of course, if I get married again I will give my loyalty to my new wife...

.

Assalaamu alaikum,


Mmm, it is a beautiful sentiment, the idea of standing by your spouse no matter what. But as Jameelash pointed out, this is the stuff of romance movies. In real life, it is not necessarily a good thing. Let me tell you a true story of a man I know.


This man was the youngest child of a large family where there was a lot of unkindness and turmoil. But it stuck together, though it was not a good place for a child to grow up. But the child survived. Physically.


He came to Canada, and found a woman of his own culture. He worked very hard to please her, but she was not at all kind with him. She made many threats to keep him weak and fearful and obedient to her. For instance, she would injure herself and threaten to call the police and accuse him of domestic abuse. She threatened she would kill herself. And he remained with her, though he was not at all happy. He believed he was being loyal, I believe.


Then it happened that she got a green card for the US, and he did not. And she left him.


This man was quickly snapped up by another woman. She was not a very kind person, either. She was not a Muslim (as he was), but in order to “get” him, she went heavily into Islam. For a while. He fell for her, and became increasingly attached to her. And she...? She slowly but surely pulled him away from Islam. They had a child together. The man did not teach him anything about Islam. He felt he was too unknowledgeable about Islam... and besides, his son did not respect him, because his mother often denigrated (subtly, but surely) his father. Indeed, the child was taught to denigrate Islam and Muslims in general. And slowly, slowly, over time, the man stopped fasting, stopped praying, stopped going to the masjid, and cut ties with his family members. The woman even tried to get him to drink alcohol (for his health...). I don't know if she succeeded.


Of course, the problems in this marriage were not just a question of a difference in understandings about God. This woman has a deep flaw in her character, and she didn't treat either her husband, or her child, with proper love and care. This man is extremely exhausted all the time, trying to please his wife (and now, sadly, his son who is an adult). But he is very loyal. Indeed, he feels grateful that she is with him. He believes he is not worth much, but that she is so wonderful. He praises her to everyone. And he believes his words.


Most people would consider this man a very loyal and loving man, though some see through the facade and realize that his wife is not such a beautiful person. Everybody loves this man, because he is very kind and generous with everyone, not just his wife. I think he is a very nice person, too. However, I believe he has some great weaknesses in his character (understandable weaknesses, given the abusive childhood he experienced). And that it is in fact because of his weaknesses that he tries so hard to please everyone, especially his wife. It is through weakness that he remains in a very unhealthy relationship. Because this relationship has been very bad for his health, for his family relationships, for his son... and most of all for his deen.


Loyalty towards a spouse is a very important ingredient for a stable and (mostly! There are always wrinkles from time to time...) loving marriage. But, as in all things, there must be limits. And we must be strong enough to leave when those limits are transgressed. Otherwise we put ourselves and those dependant on us, in danger, both in this world, and the Next. Jameelash is correct, I believe. This ideal of The One, the ideal spouse, is corrosive and causes much harm, though it is coated in pretty thoughts and sentiments.


Because only Allah is The One.


May Allah, the Unique Possessor of all the Beautiful Names, Guide us towards choices and actions that are Pleasing to Him... and good for us and those we care about.

 

[ardianto]

Wa'alaikumsalam, sister MuslimInshallah.

If I married again, then I will loyal to my wife as her companion, not as her slave. If she had bad behavior, then I would try to guide her to leave her bad behavior. If she didn't want to leave her bad behavior?. The door is always opened. She could choose, stay with me and follow my guidance, or go. And if she choose to go, then I would not chase her to back to me, but I would open the door for another woman. [smile]

"One woman for lifetime" was my dream when I was young. But actually this was a dream that did not come true. My wife (late) was not the first girl who I intend to marry. There was another girl before who then decided to not marry me after some misunderstanding. I could understand her decision.

The principle of my loyalty to a woman is, I will not leave her, but if she think it’s better if she leave me, I will not prevent her. I have ability to love a woman, but I am not a man who begs for love from a woman.

Since I was kid I had been taught by older people around me that the greatest weakness of a man is his sexual desire on women. If he could not control his sexual desire, then he would easily fall under a woman's heel.

Later when I grew older I found they were right. I have seen the men who lost their wealth, lost their career, even lost their married life, just because they were obsessed to the wrong women who then 'exploit' them. That's why then I develop my ability to not sexually obsessed to a woman, but see the women in objective view. I notice their character and personality.

My first future wife was a beautiful girl. But I chose her not because her beauty, but because her modesty, and because she was willing to accept me. My late wife was a beautiful woman. However, I married her not because obsessed to her beauty. But because her character and personality, and the most important was because she wanted to marry me.

Now if I intend to marry my old friend it's because I think I must build a new life. I notice that she has good character and personality, and the most important is, she is expecting me to be her life-partner. It's obviously can be seen from her attitude toward me.

It's not because sexual obsession. If I want to remarry just because sexual desire, then I would choose a woman who is younger and beautiful. Like I have said, she was interested to me when she was young, but she was not aggressive like other girls who tried to approach me. And she could understand when I chose another girl. The cause was simple, she regard herself as not beautiful.

Beauty is in the eyes of beholder. And my eyes say, she is not beautiful. But is it wrong if a man choose a woman not because her beauty?. [big smile]