I love my children. I love my late wife. But .....

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ardianto

ardianto

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“Oh, come on, mister Ardianto. I can find the right wife for you!”. My business colleague started to urge me after he saw I didn’t respond him when he said he would seek a wife for me. I replied with smile, and “Thanks. But there is someone who is waiting for me”. He said again “Good, if you already found a future wife. But, when will you remarry?”. I just smile and didn’t say anything.

This is what happened again today. Yeah, since my wife passed away three years ago, people start to talk about getting ‘the new’. Few of them even took initiative to introduce someone to me, or seek a wife for me, although I never ask them to do it, and never respond their ‘help’. But finally someone questioning my attitude that seem like pretend don’t know that she is waiting for proposal. Hopefully she is not angry at me, and does not regard me just want to ‘play’ with her.

Yes, I have ever respond someone who quickly came to me after she heard that I am ‘single’ again. I began to thinking to remarry. But suddenly I was afraid when she was questioning my attitude that still do not propose marriage although she is waiting for it. I was afraid to propose marriage because I am afraid my children will be unhappy if I remarry. I don’t want to ruin their happiness. I also feel guilty to my late wife. I feel, I betray her if I remarry. Maybe it’s because my love to them is too big.

I love my children. I love my late wife. But I cannot lie to myself that I am just ordinary human. Live as widower make me often feel emptiness in my heart. I feel like a part of me has gone. It torture my heart. I always try to forget this feeling through make myself busy when this feeling come. But conversation with my colleague this noon made me feel this emptiness again. And in the afternoon I began to angry and questioning why Allah took my beloved wife?. Why Allah took my love and put me in loneliness?. But suddenly I realize, I should not questioning a destiny. I must still trust Allah. I must believe that Allah will give what the best for me.

I am sorry if I rant like this. But I am just ordinary human. I am not as strong as you think. I still need advice and support.
 
Always ask from Allah which is best for you and dont reject it when you realize that it is given to you.
 
:salam:

Can't you marry, and if / when you, In shaa' Allah, go to Jannah, ask for your late wife again and have both of them?

May Allah SWT forgive me if I said anything wrong. Ameen

And Allah SWT knows best.
 
Talk with your children. I don't think they would want their father unhappy. How old are they?
 
:salamext:

There is nothing wrong with marrying again - a human needs companionship - this doesn't mean you love your wife any less.
 
The problem is how to tell it to my children. I am worry they will be disappointed if I tell them I will remarry, although I am sure they already know that there is someone. They have ever seen me bought a woman wallet. They also see me have new habit which I always buy something, usually food, when we go to other cities. My youngest child admit that he saw message in my cellphone. But seem like they reluctant to ask me.

My late wife family seem like have know it too. Maybe from my children. But amazingly their attitude seem like encourage me, not prevent. My sister ever told me that if I want to remarry, just remarry.

But I don't know why, I always think that children cannot accept if their father or mother decide to remarry. Few people told me that I must not think like this. But I still assume like this. Maybe because I have ever had step-father, and my relationship with him was not good.
 
It seems that soon it´s time to talk with your children. Ask their opinion and make them to feel that nobody doesn´t try to take their mother´s place in their hearts. Ask them if they feel unsecure or uncomfortable with the idea of remarry. You can wonder and wonder "what if and how they would think" but sooner or later you also have to ask it directly.
 
A lot would depend on how old your children are too. I think if they are over around 15, they ought to be more understanding in sha Allah. It has been 3 years and I don't think there's anything specifically that you need to feel guilty about in marrying again.
 
I forgot to tell, my children are boys, almost 18 and early 12.
 
Assalamu alaikum

You know, kids these days are smarter than you think. They are probably waiting for you to bring up the subject since youre the adult. If youre ready to get married then go for it. Im sure they will be supportive, and if youre not ready to talk about it because you are worried about their reactions then you can try to get their opinions in a jokingly way so its not as obvious?
 
Serinity said:
:salam:

Can't you marry, and if / when you, In shaa' Allah, go to Jannah, ask for your late wife again and have both of them?

May Allah SWT forgive me if I said anything wrong. Ameen

And Allah SWT knows best.
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:wasalam:

Jazakallah Khayr. But I am still alive, bro. That's why now I feel an emptiness. This is not loneliness like assumed by some people which refer to bedroom issue. But feeling of losing a friend that makes me feel alone in crowd.

anatolian said:
Always ask from Allah which is best for you and dont reject it when you realize that it is given to you.
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If someone is destined to become my wife, then even if I reject her, she would still become my wife. But if someone destined to not become my wife, then she would not become my wife.

My late wife was someone that I have ever rejected in the past. That's because I already chose another girl as my future wife. But just she's gone, my future wife decided to not marry me. So I married her.

The woman that I mention in my previous post was someone that I have rejected too in the past. She tried to grab my attention, but I always ignored her. Then she ask her friend to tell about her interest to me, and I rejected her through her friend. Later she decided to accept proposal from a man who had bad behavior, and divorced without having child. After she heard I have become widower, she tried her luck again.

Different than in the past. Now I decide to accept her because I see she meet criteria to become the right wife. I am serious want to marry her. But the problem is, I am hesitate to tell about it to my children. I often made du'a, wish Allah give me easiness. But still, I am not able to tell my children.

Honestly, she is not the only woman who tried to grab my attention after I become widower. I also understand why there are people who interested to introduce me to someone that they know. And this is why I feel an irony. Not difficult for me to get a wife if I want to remarry. But I am still not able to remarry. However, I do not blame my children. Maybe it's because Allah want me to become the better father for my children.
 
*charisma* said:
Assalamu alaikum

You know, kids these days are smarter than you think. They are probably waiting for you to bring up the subject since youre the adult. If youre ready to get married then go for it. Im sure they will be supportive, and if youre not ready to talk about it because you are worried about their reactions then you can try to get their opinions in a jokingly way so its not as obvious?
Click to expand...
Wa'alaikumsalam.

Serious thing should not be told through joking because it could be really assumed as joke and causing problem later.

In Shaa Allah, I will tell my children gradually, not at once like "Daddy want to remarry". And I think I should seek help from my sister.
 

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