I need help

[Lonely Gal]

Please dont judge me and simply tell me to fix up cos thats not the answer to my problems
My situation is im married but feel nothing for him, ive tried but nothings changed. He is a good guy, but i dont know what is wrong with me. When i am not with him, i wish i loved him and treated him better, wish i could fulfil his needs an desire but the moment i am with him i cant away fast enough. I feel unsettled and if i have a big weight inside me, i dont want this feeling, i want it go away but i cant get rid of it. I wanna be happy with him but i get angry over the littlest thing with him. I pray sincere dua i fall in love with him, that i can be a good wife to him. I seem to switch at only him, no one else and i dont know why that is cos when im away i wish we could be happy together. I know im making his life miserable but hes too good to say anything. I read al wadoodu and al maaniu but still no change.. What can i do??

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. Sister it may be that you have underlying issues from your past which you have still not let go of yet. Forgive me for being blunt but have you ever have had any feelings for anyone else previously before your marriage? Were you ever let down by anyone else?

What is it deep down that is stopping you from giving your all to your husband?

 

[Lonely Gal]

I did have feelings for someone else but am passed all that, i wanna make it work with my husband.
I know even my husband broke my trust but cos i wasnt a proper wife to him i dont hold that truly against him.
If i still had these issues from the passed then why do i feel in my heart to wanna make it work and love him.
He goes to me if im happy elsewhre i can leave him, but there is no one else i want to go to.
Im not 100% attracted to him but that is not a good nuff reason to not make it work with him, he prays and is a good husband so i dont know what is wrong with me

 

[Muhaba]

you could go to counciling. a councilor may be able to help you figure out the problem. sometimes the problem is at the subconscious level and we don't even know it is there but it affects our behavior. once you figure out what the problem is you will be better able to deal with it. so do try seeing a councelor. additionally, try reading Ayatul Kursi and Surah Al Falaq and An Nas in case the effect is because of evil eye or black magic or something. May Allah help you.

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum, sister Lonely Gal.

Forgive me if my question is inappropriate. Is your marriage an arranged marriage ?.

 

[Lonely Gal]

Yes.....It was....... Y

 

[Insecured soul]

Do u have kids? if not then try to have kids insha allah, and then becoz of a child allah will fill ur and ur husbands hearts with love and rehma for each other. insha allah.

most of the time these personal relationships are very perplexing. may allah help you out

 

[Salahudeen]

Physical attraction is an important aspect for some people in marriage, and that's not wrong or bad, it's normal. I think it's near impossible and possibly torture to mate with someone you're not attracted to, but I suspect there is something deeper that can be achieved between two people where they fall in love with each others personalities to the point they don't care how the other person looks.

It really is possible to achieve this feeling where you don't care how the other person looks because you love them so much. Don't give up hope, Allah is the possessor of the hearts, make du'a to him constantly, asking him to make your husband beloved to you.

Pray tahajjud prayer, this prayer is one of the times when your du'a is more likely to be answered.

Could it be that you're not content with what you have? You desire more from life then what he can offer? If so you have to learn to be content with what you have and not desire beyond it otherwise you will be miserable forever if you all ways desire something more/better.

There's a du'a that you should read often, but you should say husband instead of wife

And those who say: "Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders for the Muttaqoon" (25:74)

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

Look at it this way. You are in a better situation than those who start married life deeply in love with each other and, as the years pass by, eventually fall out of love with each other.

The ancient Chinese did quite a good job of staying married without being in love. To be in love with your spouse is a Western concoction which I have not found any dalil for in Islam. If you and your spouse are good friends, then your marriage is more blessed than most that I know of.

Thank Allah for whatever your life is. Have faith that Allah knows best and you will discover wondrous surprises in whatever Allah has given you. Really, your husband is Allah's gift to you. Take good care of him and appreciate him and you will find the happiness and peace that Allah has promised to everyone who submits to the will of Allah. Ameen.

 

[Tyrion]

Is your marriage an arranged marriage ?

Yes.....It was.......

I wish parents would quit doing this to their children... It's not Islamic, and it can lead to really unhappy marriages...

Anyway, I hope things start to work out for you two... But remember, there is another option that people here haven't really mentioned... If you've really tried to make things work and you still feel nothing, you should maybe consider a divorce. I don't think its worth continuing the marriage if you're going to be this unhappy..

 

[Lonely Gal]

thank u for all your replies
I do pray that i find love for him, i want children, we both do but is that the answer when i cant find the love for him myself?
Wish there was summat that could change my heart. Its very sad and depressing time

 

[ardianto]

I wish parents would quit doing this to their children... It's not Islamic, and it can lead to really unhappy marriages...

If the groom and bride can accept arranged marriage sincerely, why not ?.

Even, sometime I think, an arranged marriage between two persons who never meet before but accept this marriage sincerely, can be a happy marriage because they start their marriage life with learn to understand each other, reveal spouse's mysteries, find special things in their spouse. These are the fun parts of love.

But my marriage is not arranged marriage. I had know my wife's character and personality long time before I married her. She was my close friend since I was in grade 12 in high school, after she became my classmate.

In my third year in Uni, I had a girlfriend who refused arranged marriage. Although her parents were very angry, she still chose me. I very love her and started to prepare a marriage. But later she was angry when she knew I still in my friendship with my ex-classmate. And situation was going complicated after my ex-classmate knew I would marry someone and started to jealous. ;D

Finally my girlfriend left me and accepted a guy that chosen by her parents in arranged marriage. And later my ex-classmate becomes my wife.

I heard from some people, my ex-girlfriend look happy with her husband although in early years of her marriage she had a problem to love her husband. And I am happy in my marriage too. Happy ending for everyone.

Okay, okay, I know friendship between man and woman, and boyfriend-girlfriend relationship is forbidden. But my story was happened in the past, okay ?.

That's why after I read sister Lonely Gal posts, I could guess, her marriage is an arranged marriage.


---------------------------


And @ sister Lonely Gal.

Nothing wrong with you. You are now in 'adaptation period' with your husband.

But it's better if you understand, love is not something that we can build, and not something that will comes when we invite. But love is something that will comes anytime to the sincere heart that ready to accept it.

And you cannot have a same feeling on two different persons, because they have two different personality. You cannot love your husband like you love someone in the past. But, InshaAllah, after you accept your husband totally, you would love him with love that better than your love in the past.

Sister, you don't need to feel guilty if you don't love your husband for this time. You don't need to love him first if you want to be a good wife for him. But you must do the 'reverse way', be a good wife first if you want to love him. No mater you love him or not for this time, you must do and give your best to your husband sincerely. Remember, sincerely. The key to love your husband is accept him sincerely.

InshaAllah, after you spent many times in togetherness with him, after you and your husband passed many happy and sad times together, one day you would have a feeling that make you feel happy when you do and give something to your husband. That's love, in exactly, true love.

Remember, The Art of Loving is not The Art of Take and Give, but The Art of Give and Take. You must give if you want to take.

 

[Lonely Gal]

V good post.
Im not against arranged marriages, i think they can really work

 

[Haya emaan]

I wish parents would quit doing this to their children... It's not Islamic, and it can lead to really unhappy marriages...

it can lead to really very happy marriages too.. at my place arranged marriages are a common practice and all except few ends up to be successful

 

[Salahudeen]

The thread has gone little off topic, but I think we should differentiate between arranged marriages and forced marriages, arranged marriages are fine providing both sides are happy, isn't every halal marriage arranged?

unless you get into a relationship with the girl yourself and do not approach her wali or family.

Forced marriages are the ones that result in people being unhappy.

but what's wrong with two people being introduced to each other for marriage purposes, deciding they like each other and getting married. This is what an arranged marriage is, the parents introduce, the kids decide if they like or not and whether they want to get married or not simple.

 

[Insecured soul]

thank u for all your replies
I do pray that i find love for him, i want children, we both do but is that the answer when i cant find the love for him myself?
Wish there was summat that could change my heart. Its very sad and depressing time

umar ibn khattab was approached by a woman and she said i want to divorce my husband since i do not find any love for him, he replied and since when all the families haver been established on love? there are other objective to marriages, having kids raising them with islamic principles.

i guess todays woman only seek unconditional love, thats why they are waiting for Mr right and some reaches old age having never found that mr. right

May allah guide our ummah

 

[Lonely Gal]

Im not looking for mr right... Im no mrs right, just wanna respect and love my husband

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Im not looking for mr right... Im no mrs right, just wanna respect and love my husband

Asalaamu Alaikum, Sister maybe you still have issues with your past. Maybe you havent fully let go of what happend with the other guy previously before your marriage. Maybe you wanted things to work out and they didnt and you still have anger inside of you. It maybe that you are in denial but deep down you still have issues with what happened which you want to let go but you are unable to.

Clearly there are things which you need to resolve in your heart and mind. Until you do not let go of these things then you will find it difficult moving on.

I think you should get counselling to resolve these matters as soon as is possible. The counsellor can help you get to the bottom of any under lying issues you may still have. It is worth a try you have nothing to lose but everything to gain from doing so.

After counselling you should sit down with your husband and open the doors of communication. Share your feelings with him and ask him to share his.

Marriage is not a fairy tale and love alone is not enough to hold a marriage together but marriage is a team effort requiring a lot of patience and comprimising aswell as co-operation. Without this team effort the marriage will crumble.

So see a councellor and then open the dorrs of communication with your husband and if need be you can get counselling with him as well. But it seems as though at the moment you are the one with the issues so you must get counselling as soon as possible in order to resolve the underlying issues you have.

On top of that ask of Allah sincerely in dua especially in the latter part of the night at Tahajjud time. Beg and cry to him and he will not leave you stranded.

May Allah do what is best for you in this matter. Ameen

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[ardianto]

@ brother Hamza Asadullah

I don't know which the origin culture of sister Lonely Gal husband. But basically men are same.

Counseling like in your advice is good. However, it's better if sister Lonely Gal husband doesn't knows about it. If he knows sis Lonely Gal do counseling because she can't love her husband, and especially if her husband knows she still hold issues from the past, it will hurt his heart. And it can lead to divorce.

Same like you, I see sis Lonely Gal still has issues from the past. I don't know how was her someone in the past, but I guess he's a guy who could make sis Lonely Gal felt happy, sad, and jealous. But then she must leave him and marry someone who totally different in character. I think her husband is a good guy and treat her well. However, I guess, he is not a guy who can make sis Lonely Gal feel jealous.

I understand if sis Lonely Gal is in denial but deep to her marriage life now. It's not easy to leave beautiful memory. But I am proud with sis Lonely Gal, she doesn't try to meet or contact her someone of the past. Different than me and my someone of the past, we still chat by phone after she married, and stopped around two weeks before my wedding. Okay, I know it's wrong, but I just want to describe how hard for a woman to leave a man that she love and accept another man.

 

[Kabeer]

Salaam,

Look at it this way. You are in a better situation than those who start married life deeply in love with each other and, as the years pass by, eventually fall out of love with each other.

The ancient Chinese did quite a good job of staying married without being in love. To be in love with your spouse is a Western concoction which I have not found any dalil for in Islam. If you and your spouse are good friends, then your marriage is more blessed than most that I know of.

Thank Allah for whatever your life is. Have faith that Allah knows best and you will discover wondrous surprises in whatever Allah has given you. Really, your husband is Allah's gift to you. Take good care of him and appreciate him and you will find the happiness and peace that Allah has promised to everyone who submits to the will of Allah. Ameen.

The first two paragraphs of this are pretty much nonsense. But the last paragraph is really all the OP can do unless you want to divorce him (if you were forced into the marriage against your liking then the marriage can be void).

If you want to make it work with your husband. Then if you are not attracted to him at all, and dont even like spending time with him. Then you have to accept you may never "love" him in that romantic way you are expecting. You have to decide if you are happy with that. If you are, then change your concept of what love is, to that akin of a parent and child, the love formed of responsibility and duty. If you dont want that, then you shouldnt be married in the first place. Maybe in the future something will stir inside you, but you cant force it.
Love takes many forms, but if you really dont like him at all (not even love, but LIKE), then why stay married? (im gonna guess its just cultural and social pressures, which are Unislamic. Or if you are in a society where you are financially dependant because you dont work).
Peace