I think I'm in love with my wife's best friend

[AhmadibnNasroon]

Your feelings are not blameworthy, as these types of things can happen, (i.e., wanting another woman). A man will generally want more than one woman hence Allah allowed up to 4 wives. I suggest if everything will be sound in your home and will not greatly effect your wife and your child, then try to marry her. If not then keep away from this woman.

Having said what I said above, this does not make the actions that have gone on between the two of you lawful in any way. The constant mixing, flirting, talking, between you and this woman IS blameworthy and definitely the root cause of your feelings. So I advise if marriage is not an option with minimal ramifications, then to abandon this woman completely and tell your wife she is forbidden from coming to the house.

Wa'allaahu 3lam.

 

[Mysterious Uk]

Sorry brother but how can you expect anyone NOT to judge you? You claim to love your wife and son yet you are contemplating betraying your wife for your wife's 'friend' whome you 'love'? Doesn't make sense.


Good on her for finally using her brain.



Have you no shame? No guilt?[/QUOTE]

Course I do! Thats why I'm kind of happy she's made that decision, its made it easier on me and now I don't have to tell her to stay away.

You can't help who yu fall for and I'm trying to pick up the pieces now.

Orite. Inshallah, you won't face situations like this again.

 

[The_Prince]

you cant help you fall in love with, but if your married and fall for another woman YOU DONT TELL HER THAT, AND YOU DONT TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH HER, AND YOU AVOID HER AND KEEP IT AWAY. sheesh.

 

[Al-Yasa]

Dont be around her

make male friends

join a club

 

[cat eyes]

a man who fears Allah would not let it go this far.. just because a man can have more then one wife it dose not make this a lawful act as some one as already stated. its zina of the heart. i will try and find the hadith inshallaah. well if muslims followed the teachings of beloved prophet mohammad pbuh and wife Aisha may Allah be pleased with her. none of this would be an issue so it really is the fault of the wife to allow a woman to get so comfortable with her husband i mean come on:hmm: its asking for trouble

 

[Lejla]

if you were married to that woman (your wife's friend) for 10 years and your wife was her best friend, you would feel the same thing for your wife stop thinking about her and avoid her as much as possible because marriage is a sacred thing and adultery is one of the biggest evils of society

and, yes, how would you feel if your wife was in love with your best friend?

 

[MSalman]

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him. Let's not forget that none of us are free from sins and everyone of us is struggling and striving hard to stay away from sins.

The Messenger of Allah (sal-allahu alayhi wa sallam) said: "there is not a believing slave except he has a sin that he returns to time after time or he is constantly/consistently doing it until he leaves this duniya. (The fact of matter is) the believer is trialed and tested; he (consistently) repents and then he forgets. (However) when he is reminded, he remembers".

but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:

brother, this is a thought from shaytan so do not listen to him; he is a liar. Are you gonna die if you do not see her? It is only a matter of time before this goes away and you need to cut all kinds of ties with her. Otherwise, you will continue to fall into the traps of shaytan.

Umar ibn al-Khataab (radiAllahu anho) used to say that do not listen your nafs/ego because he is a liar. One day he got up on minbar during his time of khilafat and he gathered to people to tell them that when he was small his father used to beat him because he used to get 3 dates for looking after her aunt’s goat/camels while he was looking after his own goats/camels. After hearing this Abdul Rahman ibn Auf (radiAllahu anho) got up and said why you gathered people to say this to embarrass yourself. Umar (radiAllahu anho) replied that he wanted to teach his ego a lesson and straighten up his ego.

The moral of the story is that do not listen your nafs and these thoughts from shaytaan; so make jihad against it. allhamdulillah akhee, you got a wife, ask her to dress nicely and enjoy her.

may Allah save us all from such fitnah, ameen

 

[جوري]

get the similar jeans , shaliwar kamees as a gift for your wife and tell her to wear it end of problem solved

:lol: I thought this was really funny..

I have no comments for the OP, his thread is rather upsetting and unsettling imsad

 

[cat eyes]

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him. Let's not forget that none of us are free from sins and everyone of us is struggling and striving hard to stay away from sins.

True but i believe being a bit to gentle might make this brother believe what he is doing is okay and he will carry on doing this sin believing that ahh well everybody dose sins like this...humans do strive to keep away from sins but its obviously clear that he is not one of them otherwise he would be helping himself which he is not doing. i honestly think he should speak with a scholar that would really make him see sense inshallaah because the punishments in the grave for this type of thing is endless. i don't think a forum is a place to discuss this because this is becoming close to adultery and it is one of the major sins in islam and not many people in this situation are not gona listen to just anybody.

 

[GuestFellow]

Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.

Salaam.


You should not be socializing with other women. You have been married for ten years and you have four children. It would be very upsetting to see this marriage collapse. Think what would happen to your children if your marriage breaks. They are not going to be thrilled. So consider the consequences of your actions.

Stay away from that women. Be in control of yourself. Socialize with good Muslim men. Go to the mosque and make friends. I would personally speak to an Imam about this issue if your comfortable doing so. He may offer better practical advice.

let us be more gentle with brother while advising and reminding him.

Yes I agree. I'm disturbed to see some of the responses...not appropriate.

 

[papa_smurf]

I think i'm in love with thousands of women^o).....There are loads of pretty women out there , but know your limits......man get a grip!

 

[Snowflake]

you cant help you fall in love with, but if your married and fall for another woman YOU DONT TELL HER THAT, AND YOU DONT TRY TO MAKE IT HAPPEN WITH HER, AND YOU AVOID HER AND KEEP IT AWAY. sheesh.

This isn't love :hmm:


O.P.

Nothing you said describes love, but everything you mentioned describes lust to a T. It isn't your fault entirely for falling in lust. She is equally to blame. And neither was it wise of your wife to allow another woman and her husband to sit in each other's company. This is why Islam recommends segregation of genders and lowering the gaze etc. I wasn't even sure if the post was from a muslim or non-muslim. This kind of socialising is typical of the nonmuslims way of life. I also hate seeing men sitting in female gatherings and acting like best buddies with wife's friends.


Anyway, hamdulillah the friend's got a bit more sense. I hope she sticks to her decision. You have to realise is that if there'd been another woman in place of the friend, in exactly the same circumstances, you'd eventually have developed feelings for her too, and another, and another and another. This isn't love. You are seeing everything about her that you should only see about your wife. No wonder her dress, appearence etc excited you and make you think you are in love. It's in human nature to want what you can't have. That's all this is. Please get over it.

Do something beneficial with your wife and son, like increasing your knowledge together, praying, reciting Quran. Not only will your love take on a different meaning but you will find that your home is your Jannah and you won't want to ever leave it. Allah put love and mercy in the hearts of spouses so that they may live in peace and tranquility. it is there but you can't feel it if you aren't implementing the deen in your lives - which btw, includes lowering the gaze and not free-mixing.


Go and make wudhu and pray two rakahs, repent and thank Allah, for having saved you from committing zina and pray for His guidence and help to increase you in all that Allah loves. One day your son will grow to be an adult and have opinions about you. Don't let them be the kind that make you hang your head in shame. You had a lucky escape. Please learn from your mistakes.

It is best if the friend doesn't come to the house anymore or your wife mention her in front of you. 'You need to go cold turkey'. Your wife can visit her instead. Personally, I wouldn't bother. You all need practicing friends who help you in the deen instead of becoming trials for one another.


:wa:

 

[Santoku]

Please try not to judge me, just hear me out. I'm in a very difficult situation here. I've been married to my wife for 10 years, and have a son of 4 together I love them to bits.

My wife has been friends with this girl for 8 odd years. We all talk and have a laugh together when she come round but over the past 2 years I’ve started getting very strong feelings for her. She always looks like a model, and dresses very smart with her stylish shalwar kameez and her funky jeans and long jumpers. She looks so good all the time and I am so in love with her.

This is not lust, I want to be with her, I love her so much I didn’t realize until a few weeks ago. OK, at first in the past 2 years I just ‘fancied’ her but now my feelings for her are stronger than ever.

I told her this 2 weeks ago and she wasn’t surprised at all. She could tell the way I’ve been looking at her. The thing is, I can’t tell if she likes me too, she’s told me she doesn’t like me in that way and that she would never betray her friend, but her actions tell me different. She smiles and flirts with me as much as I do with her. My wife is very suspicious of us but her friend doesn’t know this.

My wife thinks her friend comes round while shes out but I’ve tried explaining that’s not the case. I’ve tried keeping away form her friend when she comes round but I just can’t help myself. When I see her I just want to go near her, smell her hair, star at her. Whats wrong with me??????? I can’t marry her either coz she doesn’t want to betray my wife.

She says she is not interested, I suggest you listen to her.You say that her "not interested" means that she really does like you, do you not understand that is the story of half the rapists in the country "She said "No!" But I could tell she really meant "Yes!" so I did it and now she is crying rape, but she led me on!"

Did it not occur to you that she really does mean No and you are projecting your lust and sexual desires on to her so that what she quite probably means as politeness (after all you are the husband of her best friend) you see as a sexual invitation.

Stop looking at her as a sexual object and see her as a person who has a mind of her own and the right to say no and to have you take that no seriously.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Wow i didn't know i'd get a bashing of this sort :embarrass :exhausted

I've seen her without the makeup, ive seen her in the mornings (when she stays round) and I still have feelings for her. I seriously need to avoid her.

I phoned her today as it goes, and she told me she's been thinking, I asked her what about and she said about the feelings I have for her.

She's decided not to come round anymore and said she will only go and see her friend when I'm working away. Which si fair enough, but I'm going to start missing her. :hmm:

i think you two should just completely drop this i mean the very talking of it. one thing will lead to another until you you will both find yourselves in a hole you have dug and cant get out of...

she only seems interested in you as you are interested in her...otherwise i dont think they would be there....in all honesty she seems to be using your feelings for her to her advantage <---to make herself feel better...

 

[Caller الداعي]

salams bro
all i can say is fornication is a debt which will come back to u later on in life !!!
looking and mixing with other sexs will result in the weakness of family bonds and will not stop there it will haunt u for the rest of ur life!
may Allah cure u!

 

['Abd-al Latif]

The sight and the hearing have a direct link to the heart. The close attachment between the heart and the eye can be testified by the fact that if anything settles in the former, it shows on the latter: the eye is the heart's mirror, reflecting to an observer what is in the heart, in the same way that the tongue is the heart's interpreter, delivering to the ear what is in the heart. It is on these grounds that Allah (swt) combines all these three in such verses as this:

The hearing and the sight and the heart - of each of these it will be asked [17:36]

So my question is - Allah has blessed you with a wife who protects you from fitnah as clothes would protect you from the heat and the cold. You have more of a reason to lower your gaze, protect your private parts and keep away from the fitnah of woman through the blessings that Allah has given you so why then are you allowing shaytan to make evil seem good in your heart?!

This is nothing but lust and desire, you shouldn't be mixing with this woman to begin let alone allowing your gaze to be let lose on this woman. Allah says in the Qur'an to lower ones gaze and protect their private parts because lust and desire starts by looking and it ends with the private parts confirming what is in ones heart. It amazes me that you converse freely with this woman about your desires and she allowes it while she is claiming to be her so-called best friend!

Shaytan is an open enemy so you must stop being in the presence of this woman completely and if you feel a desire for this woman then turn to your wife because she has been made lawful for you. Beware of the fitnah of women and being careless in their presence because this is what will lead you to your distruction.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.

She don't want to come to the house anymore, she doesn't even want to talk to me, she don't answer her phone. Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?

In a fit of anger yesterday i told her if she doesn't come to the house anymore I'm going to do something stupidd to myself and she said thats my choice and she doesn't want to come anywhere near the house anymore. She said she would never want to hurt my wife, she also said she is putting herself in my wifes shoses and she would be very hurt if her own husband was doing what im doing. Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.

so why are you acting on them?

Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?

because you expected and got your hopes up for much more and now you feel let down?

Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).

she isnt being heartless, she is being realistic and loyal. you are fortunate she is doing this. many others would have just jumped at the opportunity to ruin a marriage.

also, you and your wife need to read and research about intermingling.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Gosh!!! I wish she never came into my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a different person, my wife has noticed too!!!!!!!!!!!! She knows I'm down and moody and home. I keep taking it out on her and snapping.:raging:

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I feel so guilty for having these feelings. I feel guilty when I look at my wife and my son. Then I see 'her' and all that guilt goes away, I just want her and I know these feelings are from shaytan.

She don't want to come to the house anymore, she doesn't even want to talk to me, she don't answer her phone. Its right thing I know, but why do I feel so heartbroken and let down? I didn't actually take things further with her so why am i suffering?

In a fit of anger yesterday i told her if she doesn't come to the house anymore I'm going to do something stupidd to myself and she said thats my choice and she doesn't want to come anywhere near the house anymore. She said she would never want to hurt my wife, she also said she is putting herself in my wifes shoses and she would be very hurt if her own husband was doing what im doing. Why is she being so heartless, espcially when I said I will kill myself (by the way id din't mean that, i just said it in anger).

These are the tricks of shaytan that I am talking about. He will make her seem like the best person in the world, stir your emotions towards her and will put ill feelings in your heart for your wife and son. Shaytan cannot have access to your heart unless you give him the keys so you must surpress these feelings and fight your desires and thank Allah that he has made it easy for you by guiding that woman to do the right thing as well. It would be a lot more difficult if you were to try and keep away while she comes onto you so what is happening is good for you.

Do not talk to this woman on the phone either, cut off all contact and ask Allah to make things easy for you.