I want to get married again.

[anonymous]

Assalam Walaikum

Having had a long and tough time getting married first time round and then it not working out, considering i'm nearing to the 40's mark, other than praying everyday (beleive me I pray everyday) is there anything I can do to get married again given my circumstances:

I am UK born and bred, a British Bangladeshi
I'm seperated
I have a child
I am an only son who looks after his mother
Off course our mothers never get any younger, however my mother is independent in the house Alhamdulillah
My mother only speaks bengali and very very little english
I'm worried about if i bring a wife into my house, how she might treat my mum as the last wife made a right mess of the whole thing
My sisters are married and live elsewhere except one who hasn't married yet and lives with me
Trying to get my sister married too, that too is also a big challenge and Allahu Aalaaam
I'm not a big fan of these matrimonial sites and apps, ive had bad experiences
My next wedding, i've pledged should be in a mosque, i.e. a sunnah wedding. Nothing fancy, everything low key, low scale.
I'm reluctant to go abroad because they are going to make demands on x amount of weight in gold etc, more than what is prescribed in our religion and its difficult for me to take time out of work

I'm just very pessimistic about it all now, what else can I do apart from praying and being patient? It can get frustrating sometimes, I feel like my life is at a stop, its like end of the road for me.

Whilst keeping it all halal, your suggestions will be helpful insh Allah.

Jazakumullahu Khayran

 

[Physicist]

Your UK passport is already of a huge value. It'll be easy to find candidatures abroad even without any weight of gold. But don't do this over internet, go to travel, meet people in their environment.

 

[Martin]

Why you don't like apps? What experiences have you had before?

 

[Abz2000]

B careful with that uk passport lol,

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KemjZika7jQ

(The "bark like a dog" scene is even funnier - though not appropriately attired for a decent public forum).

sometimes it can be the primary focus of aspirations and priorities of not too loyal minded people from the outset - and can then affect you negatively.
.....though there ARE some people who see it as a secondary issue and nothing more than financial security.

Re. gold - there is no Islamic limit on mahr, other than opinions - some of which are grounded on hikmah - others which don't take into account the financial weight of the parties involved.

More gold means more zakah so see it as an opportunity for a high standing order into Allah's account - if you have it - and if you don't later on - the bride can easily weigh the amount out of the total and still pay.

Try to make sure her priority is aakhirah and you will be happy inshaAllah.

Al-Ahzab 33:28

يَٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّبِىُّ قُل لِّأَزْوَٰجِكَ إِن كُنتُنَّ تُرِدْنَ ٱلْحَيَوٰةَ ٱلدُّنْيَا وَزِينَتَهَا فَتَعَالَيْنَ أُمَتِّعْكُنَّ وَأُسَرِّحْكُنَّ سَرَاحًا جَمِيلًا

English - Sahih International

O Prophet, say to your wives, "If you should desire the worldly life and its adornment, then come, I will provide for you and give you a gracious release.

Bengali - Mujibur Rahman

হে নাবী! তুমি তোমার স্ত্রীদেরকে বলঃ তোমরা যদি পার্থিব জীবন এবং ওর ভুষণ কামনা কর তাহলে এসো, আমি তোমাদের ভোগ-সামগ্রীর ব্যবস্থা করে দিই এবং সৌজন্যের সাথে তোমাদেরকে বিদায় দিই।

English - Yusuf Ali

O Prophet! Say to thy Consorts: "If it be that ye desire the life of this World, and its glitter,- then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner.

Al-Ahzab 33:29

وَإِن كُنتُنَّ تُرِدْنَ ٱللَّهَ وَرَسُولَهُۥ وَٱلدَّارَ ٱلْءَاخِرَةَ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ أَعَدَّ لِلْمُحْسِنَٰتِ مِنكُنَّ أَجْرًا عَظِيمًا

English - Sahih International

But if you should desire Allah and His Messenger and the home of the Hereafter - then indeed, Allah has prepared for the doers of good among you a great reward."

Bengali - Mujibur Rahman

আর যদি তোমরা আল্লাহ, তাঁর রাসূল ও আখিরাত কামনা কর তাহলে তোমাদের মধ্যে যারা সৎ কর্মশীল আল্লাহ তাদের জন্য মহা প্রতিদান প্রস্তুত রেখেছেন।

English - Yusuf Ali

But if ye seek Allah and His Messenger, and the Home of the Hereafter, verily Allah has prepared for the well-doers amongst you a great reward.

 

[Ahmed.]

Broth, there's only one thing to do, go to Bangladesh and get yourself a nice village girl who will look after your mum. Also try to get from close relatives to increase your chances of marraige lasting a lifetime

Going to Bangladesh and marrying there will be a guaranteed way of getting s wife bro, they're all crazy to come to the UK? where the streets are paved with gold! :Emoji48:

Don't worry they won't make demands on gold, the gold she'll be getting is the red passport! :Emoji51:

 

[Abz2000]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2pQkqdFiTh0


Londoni shab re bia khorya londoni shaheba boni ziibo
Teu shob happily ever after takhbo.

kial khoryo zeno Allah'r kham khorat involve takho zudi bitish shorkhare taire ishtey/sitisinship faibar aage blackmail khorya kinilae na mir jafor ali khan-or lakhani.
Teu fairy tale arekh lakhani zaybo gya.

This hadeeth was narrated by al-Bukhaari (4802) and Muslim (1466) from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said:
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust.



---

Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Whoever Allah provides with a righteous wife, then Allah has assisted him in half of his religion. Let him fear Allah regarding the second half.”

Source: al-Mu’jam al-Awsaṭ 992

Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to As-Suyuti

عَنْ أَنَسِ بْنِ مَالِكٍ أَنّ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ قَالَ مَنْ رَزَقَهُ اللَّهُ امْرَأَةً صَالِحَةً فَقَدْ أَعَانَهُ اللَّهُ عَلَى شَطْرِ دِينِهِ فَلْيَتَّقِ اللَّهَ فِي الشَّطْرِ الثَّانِي

992 المعجم الأوسط للطبراني باب الألف من اسمه أحمد

8704 المحدث السيوطي خلاصة حكم المحدث صحيح في الجامع الصغير

 

[anonymous]

Your UK passport is already of a huge value. It'll be easy to find candidatures abroad even without any weight of gold. But don't do this over internet, go to travel, meet people in their environment.

Salaam Physicist brother, hmm, i'm getting a feeling that using citizenship alone might attract the wrong crowd when going abroad and their priorities / intentions will be something that we might not expect especially when delaing with something like marriage. Marriage should be a life long thing, not 'marry them, get the passport or indefinete stay and then leave em'

 

[anonymous]

Why you don't like apps? What experiences have you had before?

Bruv, apps.....

main issues with apps
- Hard to tell who's time wasting
- Girls are vulnerable and are prone to hold back because they think their parents might not like you, worse thing is some of them won't tell you, they'll just lead you on.....
- People are indecisive, you have to 'wean' out the time wasters as soon as possible.
- In my view, as soon as a match is there, get families involved, then progress it.
- Followed by, if families are finding it hard to progress due to incompatibility, lack of commitment, walk the hell away!!!!
- Vetting and vouching for is important, without this its a big risk, how can you make sound character judgements just by talking to them, you need some reassurances from research, family backgrounds etc.
- the platform is used as a playground, some people have a " exchange a few sentances, can't be bothered, 'lets go look for some new meat' " type of attitude
- dont get me wrong there have been successful marriages, Allahu Alaaam, but remember to take your precautions bro.

 

[anonymous]

Broth, there's only one thing to do, go to Bangladesh and get yourself a nice village girl who will look after your mum. Also try to get from close relatives to increase your chances of marraige lasting a lifetime

Going to Bangladesh and marrying there will be a guaranteed way of getting s wife bro, they're all crazy to come to the UK? where the streets are paved with gold! :Emoji48:

Don't worry they won't make demands on gold, the gold she'll be getting is the red passport! :Emoji51:

yes ive been thikning that, oh crikey i have to take time off work, go and get married in a space of 2 weeks, come back to the uk, wait another x amount of years before she comes and then her life in a asian /uk home and in the uk test begins....

demands on gold. theyre going to want re-assurances since ive been married once already and have a child and they think i wear clothes that are made of 22ct gold thread including my boxers.

im not after someone who will look after my mum, i dont want that to be my wifes responsibility and nor do i want to force her. certain girls cant hack it anyway so they pick their victims accordingly (like the mother) and so the war begins.... best not impose such responibility on them in the first place, if they want to do it for allah's sake, then thats fine, otherwise, no way.

 

[The Prince]

Get extended family involved. Somebody will know a lady looking for marriage.

Try marriage websites. It gives you chance to be you and honest about what you want in a life partner.

 

[ardianto]

girls

Girl?. ....... Hmm, you are nearly 40, ever married and have a child. Why don't you consider to marry a widow or divorcee in your age?. Maybe their demand of mahr is not so high like a girl want.

I am 51 years old widower with children. In Shaa Allah, I will remarry this year with a divorcee in my age. Since the begining I thought to remarry I didn't consider to marry a young girl because I think it's better if I marry someone who has experienced as a wife.

 

[MazharShafiq]

Allah Almighty eliminates all your troubles.

 

[Al_Ghazali]

Assalam Walaikum

Having had a long and tough time getting married first time round and then it not working out, considering i'm nearing to the 40's mark, other than praying everyday (beleive me I pray everyday) is there anything I can do to get married again given my circumstances:

I am UK born and bred, a British Bangladeshi
I'm seperated
I have a child
I am an only son who looks after his mother
Off course our mothers never get any younger, however my mother is independent in the house Alhamdulillah
My mother only speaks bengali and very very little english
I'm worried about if i bring a wife into my house, how she might treat my mum as the last wife made a right mess of the whole thing
My sisters are married and live elsewhere except one who hasn't married yet and lives with me
Trying to get my sister married too, that too is also a big challenge and Allahu Aalaaam
I'm not a big fan of these matrimonial sites and apps, ive had bad experiences
My next wedding, i've pledged should be in a mosque, i.e. a sunnah wedding. Nothing fancy, everything low key, low scale.
I'm reluctant to go abroad because they are going to make demands on x amount of weight in gold etc, more than what is prescribed in our religion and its difficult for me to take time out of work

I'm just very pessimistic about it all now, what else can I do apart from praying and being patient? It can get frustrating sometimes, I feel like my life is at a stop, its like end of the road for me.

Whilst keeping it all halal, your suggestions will be helpful insh Allah.

Jazakumullahu Khayran

Your life shouldn't be at a stop simply because you aren't married. A wife should enhance your life, not make it. Perhaps if you put more effort in loving your existance as it is (since it's all from Allah), you'd be more grateful...which will lead to more blessings like marraige.

Your circumstances are a reflection of your negative inner state. Work on that, and Allah will do the rest.

 

[anonymous]

Your life shouldn't be at a stop simply because you aren't married. A wife should enhance your life, not make it. Perhaps if you put more effort in loving your existance as it is (since it's all from Allah), you'd be more grateful...which will lead to more blessings like marraige.

Your circumstances are a reflection of your negative inner state. Work on that, and Allah will do the rest.

Salaamz brother. Jazak Allah for your advice, you know when one loses hope, they cant help but feel negative. It comes and goes unfortunately. Sometimes its hard to forget, its on my mind everyday, my work keeps me busy as soon as i leave the office its back again. even though im doing continuous zikhr and remembrance brother, just on the off chance it catches me. got a feeling this negative thing is a part of my life. then again no ones life is perfect... is it? i'm thinking there is.

i can't even explain it, feel like locking myself away from the whole world sometimes...

i'll continue my ibadah no doubt about that. After all Allah is always with us.

how to work on the negative outlook on life is the question. Hope i find the answers soon insh Allah.

 

[Al_Ghazali]

Salaamz brother. Jazak Allah for your advice, you know when one loses hope, they cant help but feel negative. It comes and goes unfortunately. Sometimes its hard to forget, its on my mind everyday, my work keeps me busy as soon as i leave the office its back again. even though im doing continuous zikhr and remembrance brother, just on the off chance it catches me. got a feeling this negative thing is a part of my life. then again no ones life is perfect... is it? i'm thinking there is.

i can't even explain it, feel like locking myself away from the whole world sometimes...

i'll continue my ibadah no doubt about that. After all Allah is always with us.

how to work on the negative outlook on life is the question. Hope i find the answers soon insh Allah.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm of the belief that its negative thinking that ultimately leads to hopelessness, not the other way around. If one's negative thinking is dominant to the point where he is experiencing hopelessness, then there is something seriously wrong with his general perception of things.

Since Allah is the Source of all things, the Muslim must perceive life from this very perspective. Yes, you may be constantly praying and doing dhikr (may Allah reward you), but please understand that this may all amount to nothing if your intentions are not in the right place. If your worship stems from a desire of the dunya (women, wealth, land), I warn you that you will have an enormously difficult time attaining these things, but I'm sure you already know this.

The Prophet said that if you run after Allah, the dunya will run after you. To love Allah is to love everything, because it's all from Allah. You cannot pick and choose. Thus, there is nothing inherently wrong with your circumstances. You may think things are bad only because the devil has succeeded in convincing you that your situation is negative. But this is what I could take from your OP:

You've made it to 40; your mother is alive; you seem to have a well-paying job; you have shelter and clothing and internet access. Do you see where I'm getting at, brother? The more you train your mind to see the Love and Generosity and Kindness of Allah in all things, the more you will feel abundant, and I assure you this will reflect in your life.

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Broth, there's only one thing to do, go to Bangladesh and get yourself a nice village girl who will look after your mum. Also try to get from close relatives to increase your chances of marraige lasting a lifetime

Going to Bangladesh and marrying there will be a guaranteed way of getting s wife bro, they're all crazy to come to the UK? where the streets are paved with gold! :Emoji48:

Don't worry they won't make demands on gold, the gold she'll be getting is the red passport! :Emoji51:

Very, very bad idea to marry village girl.

If this person is really serious about marrige from Bangladesh, he should marry from middle class in city.

 

[anonymous]

Very, very bad idea to marry village girl.

If this person is really serious about marrige from Bangladesh, he should marry from middle class in city.

Oh [MENTION=43953]CuriousonTruth[/MENTION] how is Ramadhan going for you, hope it is going well InshAllah, guess theres pros and cons for both a) marry village girl or b) marry working/middle class city girl, i have thought about that a lot, i still end up concluding its better to marry someone who is practicing and has sound character, then I should leave it to Allah swt for whatever he has decreed (at least I can say I searched for someone who prioritised on their piousness more than anything else), something tells me its going to take some time finding a) a Bangladeshi girl and in addition to that b) someone willing to accept me and my circumstances.

 

[xboxisdead]

Man, here you are dying to get married and I am doing dua to Allah (Subhananu Wa Taalaa) that he takes away my heart the desire for marriage and make me strong without needing to get married or a wife @_@ Two completely opposite of the spectrum lol!

The brothers here see to be talking to you as if you are a brother, so I will assume you are a man wanting to get married to a woman. Understand the marriage is already prescribed to you 50,000 years ago before you are created and it is already written how many children you will have and their gender and how much money you will obtain in your life and so forth. All you have to do is do the prayer and do jihad and seek it out after you put all your trust and affair into Allah (Subhananu Wa Talaa) and focus on the afterlife. The more you focus on the afterlife the less you really care for this world, the less your chest feel harden and the more tranquil you feel and happy you are to a point that marriage and children of this world is of the lowest priority.....

.....you reach there and do Dua to Allah to help make it easy FOR YOU TO get married and Allah will make it easy for you. He will make the situation where you bomb into a family who will find goodness in your heart that they THEMSELVES WILL INVITE YOU TO THEIR HOMES to marry you to their daughter....

the more you stretch your arm, drooling mouth, foaming with desires and running like a coyote to bite on flesh the more harder and if not impossible to find a wife...in fact that is the correct way of not wanting a wife and staying single is to do that!!

 

[CuriousonTruth]

Oh @CuriousonTruth how is Ramadhan going for you, hope it is going well InshAllah, guess theres pros and cons for both a) marry village girl or b) marry working/middle class city girl, i have thought about that a lot, i still end up concluding its better to marry someone who is practicing and has sound character, then I should leave it to Allah swt for whatever he has decreed (at least I can say I searched for someone who prioritised on their piousness more than anything else), something tells me its going to take some time finding a) a Bangladeshi girl and in addition to that b) someone willing to accept me and my circumstances.

Honestly very, very difficult. I had semester final exams which just ended today, .

In my opinion, village girls are completely out of question, too many unknowns, too many pitfalls and even if everything else is fine, there will be compatibility issues.

City lower middle-class is obviously the best, the other middle classes are also good except for ultra-westernized/hindufied families.

Just a word of warning though: Don't be fooled by hijab wearing apparently religious women, there are lots of problems with, I am studying in University and see most of them upto no good. So better not to judge on clothing.

On the other hand, some assume non-hijabi women are not marriage material, but I'd say a lot of them are(except westernized/hindufied) pretty nice and defo marriage material.

So you need to keep an open mind about these things.