I'm attracted to older men with kids. What should I do?

[anonymous]

Assalaamu Alaykum,

I'm a single, never married sister in my 20s and throughout my life, I've always been attracted to older men. By older men, I mean men who are approximately 15 to 20 years older than me. I'm not attracted to men who are younger or the same age as me.

I also feel attracted to married men with kids and prefer polygamy. I don't mind being a second, third or fourth wife. I prefer being in a polygamous relationship, than monogamy. I would prefer marrying a man with kids and a wife, than to marry a single man.

Everytime people talk to my parents about a potential suitor who's my age or a few years older, I reject and tell my parents I don't feel compatible with them. My dad has a friend who's 49 years, with a wife and 5 kids. He looks like he's in his mid 30s and is looking for a second wife. I felt deeply in love with him, and want to be his second wife. I indirectly spoke to my parents about whether he's suitable to marry a girl my age, my parents said no. He is best suited for a women in her mid 30s.

The thing is I feel uncomfortable in being open to talk about my preferences with others, because it's not the norm and people, especially married women will be afraid to be around me in case I steal their husbands. I would only consider men in their late 30s, early 40s preferably married with kids as I'm only attracted to this type. But I don't think my parents will agree to such marriage. I also fear people and society's remarks towards me. I'm not sure what to do.

 

[Abz2000]

I take it you mean polygyny.

It is natural for females to be attracted to older men since they are usually more mature and there is less uncertainty - i've noticed that females seem to prefer maturity and stability over uncertainty, and that automatically makes them more gravitated towards older rather than younger when they're in settling mode instead of eye candy mode - so it's not a mental disease, but if it's unrealistic in your circumstances you might have to look for someone younger so it would be good to keep that in mind.
There are also many benefits in marrying a younger man in that they have more healthy living cells, and usually live longer so you're less likely to be a young widow.
So I don't see much need to stress out about marrying someone a few years older than you instead of many years older than you.

Dunno if that applies to everyone but i think I've noticed it before - more than a few times.

 

[Bhabha]

Guys age faster AND die younger then women. It's actually better to marry younger guys, so you get to spend your lives together longer.

 

[Umm Malik]

may Allah help you sister ...
but before everything ... let the istikhra be there to don't regret any decision you made

 

[azc]

Sometimes it's happened that some young girls prefer old men because of their maturity and experience but from Islamic point of view it's not considered preferable e.g. When Abu Musa Ashari RA married an older woman, RasulAllah s.a.w objected on it. Probably the same is applied on woman to marry the young man instead of an older man.

As a young man remain YOUNG and HEALTHY as a ''MAN'' to give her HAPPY married life whereas an old man, after some years, loses his HEALTH which ,generally. Destroys a married life.

In this case it's often observed that his wife tilts to indulge in unlawful relationship with other YOUNG MAN of her age and sometimes younger than her.

However, pious women kill their feelings and spend a normal life.

I disagree with you.

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

I don't think it's odd that you're attracted to older men. I don't see a problem with letting your family know what your interests are. What I do find odd though is that you're fantasizing about men who do not belong to you. That's not right. You should be lowering your gaze and minding your own business. Falling in love with your father's friend?? Really?? These men have wives and children and you should not be looking to ruin that unless they seek YOU out through halal means.

 

[ardianto]

Waalaikumsalam sister anonymous.

I understand if you prefer to have husband who far older and have had experience in married life. But my question, why you think to get married with married man and be the second wife?. Why don't you think to marry widower or divorced man?.

 

[anonymous]

I'm not ruining anyone's marriage. I have never spoken or interacted with my father's friend and he has never seen me. I fell in love with his qualities and manners, which I heard about through my father. His first wife has given him hell and abused him mentally and physically throughout his marriage. He has been patiently enduring her for the sake of his kids and won't divorce her. He told my dad he's looking for a second wife. I fell in love and admired his qualities and want to be his second wife.

I saw a picture of him a few months ago, without even knowing any details about him. I never felt any love for him then. But when I found out about his qualities, I began to fall in love. My parents are telling me a divorced/widowed women with kids in her mid 30s is better suited for him.

I wouldn't mind marrying a widower/divorced man with kids. I'd prefer marrying them than single, never married men. But my first priority is polygamy because I feel I'm more suited to that lifestyle. I would be on my own for some days and see my husband on other days. I want some space.

But with widower/divorced men with kids, I will have an extra responsibility because I have to be a step mum to their kids and I have no experience so it will be difficult for me. But I will not rule them out and consider them. I'm sure these brothers won't consider me because I'm thinking they're looking for another women in the same situation as them, preferably with kids, to help them raise their children.

 

[Bhabha]

You are the girl women should be wary of. :/

First of all, he does not seem like a good man because he is disclosing his marital problems to your father. That's a big no-no sign and from this scenario it seems he likes to blame his wife for their problems. "He has been patiently enduring her for the sake of his kids and won't divorce her"... Is that something he said to your father? Or your father told you? Since you have not talked to him?

I knew of a couple whose husband told everyone that his wife was mentally abusive to him, but I was friends with the wife and I saw the "abuse" first hand with bruises in her body. She wouldn't disclose what happened and kept quiet, meanwhile her husband was telling everyone she was horrible to him.

So in this scenario, if his wife is trying to resolve the problem and trying to solidify their marriage, you will de-facto be ruining it because you will be stepping into a marriage with a guy who is about to turn 50 and wouldn't mind a young unmarried girl to be his second wife. I mean, what kind of a 50 year old would refuse a single girl in her 20s?

As for "falling in love"; you've fallen for the image that he has painted to others outside of his marriage. You don't know how someone is until you have married them, because you don't know the "secrets" in his life that he doesn't expose to others. It's easier to say the other person is abusive, as opposed to coming to grips with the reality that you are also at fault for a failing marriage. When I mean "you", I mean the guy that keeps complaining about his wife to your father.

 

[ardianto]

But with widower/divorced men with kids, I will have an extra responsibility because I have to be a step mum to their kids and I have no experience so it will be difficult for me. But I will not rule them out and consider them. I'm sure these brothers won't consider me because I'm thinking they're looking for another women in the same situation as them, preferably with kids, to help them raise their children.

I am 49 years old widower with kids. And indeed, I prefer 40's woman who have had experience in married life because she already know what she must do, unlike girl who still need to learn how to be a wife. But younger widower/divorced man who are in early of 30's usually think differently. Maybe you can lowering the preferred age of expected husband?.

 

[AbdurRahman.]

best keep your parents happy Sis!

it's not your favourite choce but for their sake, just marry a single young guy few years older than you

i dont want to be too embarrasing or anything but have you thought this through properly other than jut being 'attracted' to older uys? they may not have the capability to 'look after' two women if you know wat i mean

 

[noor grant]

Assalaamu Alaykum,

I'm a single, never married sister in my 20s and throughout my life, I've always been attracted to older men. By older men, I mean men who are approximately 15 to 20 years older than me. I'm not attracted to men who are younger or the same age as me.

I also feel attracted to married men with kids and prefer polygamy. I don't mind being a second, third or fourth wife. I prefer being in a polygamous relationship, than monogamy. I would prefer marrying a man with kids and a wife, than to marry a single man.

Everytime people talk to my parents about a potential suitor who's my age or a few years older, I reject and tell my parents I don't feel compatible with them. My dad has a friend who's 49 years, with a wife and 5 kids. He looks like he's in his mid 30s and is looking for a second wife. I felt deeply in love with him, and want to be his second wife. I indirectly spoke to my parents about whether he's suitable to marry a girl my age, my parents said no. He is best suited for a women in her mid 30s.

The thing is I feel uncomfortable in being open to talk about my preferences with others, because it's not the norm and people, especially married women will be afraid to be around me in case I steal their husbands. I would only consider men in their late 30s, early 40s preferably married with kids as I'm only attracted to this type. But I don't think my parents will agree to such marriage. I also fear people and society's remarks towards me. I'm not sure what to do.

Sister, I see nothing wrong if you want to be in polygamy. Thats an option for you since you are Muslim and it will increase your reward to follow the sahabah wives.
Actually, I know of a brother who is really really in need of a second wife and he has two younger kids. He has been searching for two years with no luck. If you can somehow login with your own account and pm me then i can forward you more details. I don't feel comfortable telling all his story openly on here. But he is not a wild crazy sex crazed man either like the stereotypical polygamy seeking man in the west...don't laugh people...we have all seen one of two of of those guys.
This man is very geniunely trying to follow our messenger pbuh and just wants a simple housewife who is dedicated to the raising of his kids and her own if she wants them. he is a really a family man and just likes simple family gatherings and stuff. anyways, if you want ill give you details in pm
fi sabilillah.

 

[STN]

You are thinking this way because you don't know the reality. Older age is not something that is known for its great "sexual" achievements and your attraction to the men who are in a rapid decline of this important aspect of their bodies, you really expect them to please you ? When you can't even control your fantasies now, imagine what will happen when in a few years, your husband gets a heart attack or stroke or his faculties don't work as expected. The fantasy will shatter and you will look to younger men for getting satisfaction or live unhappily the rest of your life taking care of someone else's kids you hate.

You are also getting a biased view of that man from your father who is his friend, we men aren't known to be oppressed but we are the oppressors in marriage. Have you ever seen a man with bruises or his rights violated ? Where have you seen that ? =) Rather the women are the abused ones. Of course, show your wife as a bad cruel woman and marry another.

Your attraction is nothing but attraction for another man. Maybe you haven't seen any competent younger men who act mature and you think you're attracted to men with kids - surprisingly with the same qualities as your father's friend - married, old, with kids. What difference does a married old man with kids and unmarried old man has ? NONE, except the latter won't be ridden with responsibilities.

You should tell your father how you feel about his friend and then have the heart to listen to the problems he mentions in him.

 

[anonymous]

I am 49 years old widower with kids. And indeed, I prefer 40's woman who have had experience in married life because she already know what she must do, unlike girl who still need to learn how to be a wife. But younger widower/divorced man who are in early of 30's usually think differently. Maybe you can lowering the preferred age of expected husband?.

I wanted to ask you a question brother since your from Indonesia. There is a sheikh who lives in Indonesia called Sheikh Ali Jaber. Do you know about him? I was watching him on youtube, he speaks indonesian and arabic, but I'm confused about his ethnicity. Is he arab or indonesian?

- - - Updated - - -

My dad's friend is actually the oppressed one here. He has been struggling for many years and it's the first time he speaks about his issues to anyone. He put up with his wife for so long and she's very controlling. My mum even witnessed how she would speak to her husband in a very controlling manner.

Women are the one's who get mainly oppressed, but there are men who get oppressed as well. This man has also get beaten by his wife severely. He showed my dad the bruises, it was very painful. I just fell in love with his manners towards his wife and how he never hurt her in any way. He would tell my dad how he's wife would abuse him by swearing at him, raising her voice and fight for hours with him. He never resorted to attacks or revenge.

I might not marry him though. I would have to just look for a less older guy, probably in the late 30s is the best age for me right now. I'm just worried if I marry a man who's a few years older, it will be a fitna for me. I will regret it and want an older man. I wish I can marry from 10-15 years of age. I don't want a man under that age range.

To the sister who told me about the brother looking for a second wife, I won't proceed with anything. I still am not comfortable telling my parents about my desire for polygamy and older men with kids, so I'm not ready to discuss about a potential husband.

 

[Bhabha]

^---
I am confused with what was stated above.

I don't understand the mentality of a person who willingly wants to share their husband. :hmm:

Why would you want to do that? Is this like some kind of sexual fantasy of having a man with multiple women?

 

[Umm♥Layth]

Don't be naive to think that you can somehow "rescue" him from his current marriage and be his oasis in the current desert he supposedly lives in. We are no longer in the times of the prophet where men tended to be fair to multiple wives. I have yet to witness a fair polygamous marriage. Sure, there are exceptions, but it isn't common and its a massive risk to take. If it is true that this woman gives him hell now, don't think for a second it will get better for him if you are in the picture.

Also, he is disclosing his marital problems and they are getting to your ears, rest assured he will complain about you as well at some point. This behavior shows ingratitude and the marital problems he has now need to be addressed before he seeks out another wife. His life with her will NOT be separate from yours.

Take it from those of us who have to deal with EX wives, let alone first wives. It can severely impact your marriage in ways you cannot begin to understand. I used to like older men too not necessarily with kids, just older men, but I realized soon that its all the same. Whether they are your age or not, they can be mature beyond their years or as immature as your typical teen. My husband is exactly my age lol, never in a million years did I think that would work.

Also, what you see people present to the public eye isn't necessarily representative of what they are really like when you live with them, so refrain from being swooned and allow your father to take his role as wali and find you a suitable partner. If he is telling you this man isn't suitable for a woman your age, trust him on it.

 

[ardianto]

I wanted to ask you a question brother since your from Indonesia. There is a sheikh who lives in Indonesia called Sheikh Ali Jaber. Do you know about him? I was watching him on youtube, he speaks indonesian and arabic, but I'm confused about his ethnicity. Is he arab or indonesian?

Sheikh Ali Saleh Mohammad Ali Jaber was born in Madinah from very religious family. He is Arab. But become Indonesian citizen after married Indonesian woman and live in Indonesia. I love his lectures. He is known as humble person. His brothers still live in Saudi Arabia, and at least two of them are sheikh too.

 

[ardianto]

My dad's friend is actually the oppressed one here. He has been struggling for many years and it's the first time he speaks about his issues to anyone. He put up with his wife for so long and she's very controlling. My mum even witnessed how she would speak to her husband in a very controlling manner.

Women are the one's who get mainly oppressed, but there are men who get oppressed as well. This man has also get beaten by his wife severely. He showed my dad the bruises, it was very painful. I just fell in love with his manners towards his wife and how he never hurt her in any way. He would tell my dad how he's wife would abuse him by swearing at him, raising her voice and fight for hours with him. He never resorted to attacks or revenge.

I understand if you feel sympathy to a man who treated badly by his wife then feel that you have to become his second wife and make him happy. But sis, if you take decision like this, very possible you will be the target of the first wife anger, and you will not happy.

It's better if you marry widower or divorced man. But I need to remind you. If you receive proposal from a widower or divorced man, make sure that he is really widower or divorced man. There are many cases which a man propose marriage to a girl and claim as widower or divorced man, but in fact he is still has a wife. If you are cheated like this, then you would be in trouble.

 

[Bhabha]

So I know a brother who is looking for a fourth wife. He's an imam, and is in his late 40s.. If you're interested. Has a business, etc.