I'm not going to change diapers he said!!

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Meh diapers aren't a big deal. I see people changing diapers and it grosses me out, ewwww. But who is to say he wont change his mind We all think one thing before we get married and it's totally different afterward. Don't fret over it too much sister. I'd say you found a gem amongst so many others, if he is willing to do other things that are more important. A person could change diapers but lack in other things you might find to be important and the diaper issue to be minor, when that point comes inshaAllah.

Of course I'd like it if the guy diddd change the diapers...but is it really the biggest issue, amongst others? Allahu Alam. Only you could answer it

 

[Intisar]

That's quite a weak assumption, but it's your right.

I agree, I don't see how the two correlate. And I don't think it has to do with ungratefulness either, but rather a lack of understanding. If a husband changes his child's diapers once in a while, to help his wife relax for a bit, then he'll understand how hard it can be to care for a child. That doesn't mean she's being ungrateful at all, perhaps she just wants a husband who will help out with the housework once in a while. I mean didn't Prophet Muhammad salAllaahu 'alayhi wasalaam used help around the house? I don't get how that would make her ungrateful towards her husband, in the future, if she thinks it's important that he pitches in.

 

[Snowflake]

^yeh.

I know one bro who did all the night feeds changing diapers thing, but when it comes to decor, he won't let his wife hang any curtains in the entire house! It's blinds everywhere, except the lounge-cum-dining room where he will allow nothing. With patio doors, it could get pretty scary sitting there at night. Anyone could be looking in. I'd hate to be in her shoes lol.

However, I think it's for the sis to decide whatever she feels best. I think all the advice there was to give has been given.


Edit: my 'yeh' comment was to sis light of heaven.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

@thread starter

hmm the way im seeing it is you have to make a decision, based on what you want in a husband. what i mean is that judging by your posts there seems to be 2 issues here. one, you're taken back becuase you want him to be a father and be involved with your kids and by him not wanting to change diapers he's not really being involved. right?

and secondly you don't like the fact that he doesn't want to change diapers because he's old fashioned i.e "that's a woman's job?" (even though you never said it, that's how it appears- at least to me)

so, if its the first issue and you want him to be involved as a dad, i really and genuinely advice you to think it out whether you want to marry this guy, because if you sweep issues like this under the carpet now, they will only come up later and cause problems. ask him some questions as to how he thinks his role is in raising his kids and how he should be involved, etc. it could be just that he has issues with changing diapers (as im sure many of us do), but he would be more than happy to put them asleep, kick a ball around with them, take them out and all the rest of it.

if its the second issue...well i dont know what to advise except to talk it out with him. know his mentality a little better and see whether or not is corresponds with what you want in a husband.

and if it isnt those issues, then im gna be soo :embarrass :exhausted

concerning the 8 kids...8 kids, wow...i think men like big families cos they dont know what us women have to go through sis, when you're married, from the right of each spouse, is that they can have as many kids as they want. so if he wants 8, its his right. and like wise, if you wanted 8 its your right as well.

Giving birth is the right of both husband and wife, and neither one of them has the right to deprive the other from doing so.

http://islam-qa.com/en/ref/566/Family Planing

so you need to get to the bottom of it and sort something out, cos once your married, well there's no way out =) talk to him and tell him what your concerns are and try to reach a compromise.

and about the house work. house work is work sis. working from 9-5 is work. your whole marriage from from both parties will be, lo and behold, work! a successful marriage is founded upon hard work!
give and take. talk to him. tell him your views and let him tell you his so that inshallah the both of you can reach a middle way where you are both happy.

and lastly, do not forget istikhara!

 

[julie sarri]

I wouldn't expect my husband to change diapers becouse when i see he only get 5 hours sleep a night and still gets up prays isha and fajr on time and goes to work to look after us then changing diapers would be the last thing i would expect him to come home and do.We all have a role to play father works so mother doesn't have to and can stay at home to look after the children the child has 3 rights on the father 1 he picks a good mother for his child meaning she is a practicing muslimah 2 he chooses righteous names for them i.e they have good meaning and 3 he brings the child up knowing about Islam and deen and its the same for the women as well so these are the most important factors not who will change the diapers.But this is just the way i see things

 

[Detritavore]

A simple "No, I'm not going to change no stinky nappy" would have sufficed, there was no need to make the gender reference, I suppose.

But nonetheless this seems to be a quibble over pennies. Best pick your battle's wisely, is this really worth it, does it really mean that much to you? If yes, then by all means, wage war if you must.

 

[piXie]

Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job''

lol come on sis. Lets put it the other way round n pretend he asked you your view on 'women bringing in the earnings ?' wouldn't u also think "hey, thats your job :rollseyes"

He bagan apologizing, ''im not a father what u expect, am I suppose to bond with an imaginary baby that doesnt even exist'' when I have my own baby ofcourse i will change its diapers '' But ''you will be changing them ''most'' of the time, (he adds)''. I never said I wouldnt change them most of the time, why is he so worried already?

I think he is worried because he is not even married yet and the baby is not even born yet and already this woman is asking if he will change the diapers. So what will it be like after marriage? ... :zip:

Its all too much for a guy.

My father is a man I truly respect he use to help my mom lots when she had us and still does.

Every girl wants to marry a man just like her father. But we forget how many years it took for our mothers to make them like that. :><:

Though he reasures me that hes no chauvinistic that the baby diaper thing was not intentional, itss till buggin me.

Give him a chance sis. He sounds like a decent guy.

 

[Al-Zaara]

I shall amend my original comment, sister.

"If she's thinking like this now, then chances are, without being taught otherwise, she will turn out to be ungrateful when married".

There are chances for everything, but I'm glad you rephrased it, brother. JazakAllah kheyr.

Thus, my original post. It was directly relevent to the sister's situation. Especially this bit:

"If you are benevolent to one of them throughout the life and if she sees anything (undesirable) in you, she will say, 'I never had any good from you.' "

Where the OP mentioned how the propective is the best in the world etc, yet scrutinised and almost feels like not marrying him due to this one little fact. Ignore the mountain and concentrate on the molehill.

It's still about a married couple, though? That's why, using that hadith for example, I personally wouldn't go jumping to conclusions, because one can really not know how things turn out and she ain't married yet.

But the metaphore was really good, that's sadly something common happening.

 

[GuestFellow]

Yesterday i gave him a question about babies his view 'man changing babies diapers'? he tells me ''thats your job'

Ah o_o

Well it is not like your going to change your child diapers for the rest of your whole life. I don't know many guys who would change a child diapers...so I wouldn't make a big issue of it.

 

[Al-Zaara]

I wasn't jumping to conclusions.

Weren't you saying that because of her thoughts about the comment could lead her to become an ungrateful wife if she wasn't taught differently? Isn't that a conclusion? Maybe an assumption would have been the better word. :hiding:

Anyway, I think this has been unnecessarily dragged on. -_-

... I think you are reacting a bit too strongly. Let's end this indeed, we're both trying to help her in different ways. InshaAllah she takes head on the advice given by people.

 

[youngsister]

Some people need to go easy on the sister. If you raised in a house where the chores are split between husband and wife something as simple as what the brother said can be quite a shock.

Lets make excuses for our fellow muslims.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

^ I can go with that sister.

 

[celina]

Aslam, what a interesting debate.

As I was married once, I feel i should comment on this post. I don't think men should change diapers unless the wife is ill and cannot do so. There are more important things in marriage that really should keep a marriage together not worrying about who should change the child's diapers/nappies. When I was with my husband I found it disrespectful if he sat on the floor which he sometimes would do whilst I would be seated on the sofa this is just me not everyone is like this. My husband sometimes wouldn't even put a glass of water for himself. Do excuse me this is not really how a marriage should be, but men are men and some things they just won't do that is just in their nature and we women are emotional and sometimes we give in. My point is that there are more things that need worrying about such as being there for one another, supporting each other in a hard time not things like changing diapers/nappies. I apologies sister if I offend you, but some women get married and there husband see them as second class citizen no matter what they have beauty, intelligence and deen. I by my husband was just seen as a domestic tool and that really hurt, if a proposal ever came to me I would look at qualities such as would he treat me the way he would be want to be treated, and that would he consider me as a lifetime companion or just a domestic tool. However this is a little related to my personal experience, husbands should help their wives even in some household chores because women do have a lot of on their plate.

 

[Najm]

AsSalamOAlaikum WaRehmatuAllah WaBarkatuhu

SubhaanAllah!! I changed my nephew's diapers today. It was my first. No big deal, you give it ago, and you do it until you get it right. Lets stop being fussy!

If the guy doesnt know how to do it, then teach him. If the sister is not there, then the brother has to take action!!

No big deal, there are much bigger things to worry about life and marriage!

FiAmaaniAllah

 

[IslamicRevival]

Very weird thing to discuss. Do not think far too ahead as any one of us could be 6 feet under tomorrow. I find it daft to start commenting on such things in the first place

 

[syilla]

:salamext:

not to worry gal... my hubby change his children diapers too...and i don't even have to ask .

There are always something different that we think is not right when come from different upbringing... There will always be...

They have different principles and so do we...

Just think it this way ukhtee... it is better he said it now...and probably when married he just help himself...changing his kids diapers...(probably he feels need to spend time with his child)

Rather than... he said it now but when come to actual doing it... he don't feel like it :/.

People usually says differnt thing...especially when they have changed their perspective and become wiser. so theres nothing to worry..

wassallam

 

[Ali_008]

Alright, I have not read all the posts in this thread but I'd like to share my experience which will InshAllah change the sisters' misconception regarding brothers and brothers' fear of changing diapers.

Firstly, I'm not a Dad (not yet) but hope to have a soccer team of Muslims someday :coolious:. When my mom was expecting my sister, I was desperately waiting for her and I used to tell my mom that I'd take good care of her and do whatever is required except the diapers and I meant it back then. But when my sister was born and was "pottying" all over the place, I started changing her diapers. I had inhibitions earlier but then I thought, I mean c'mon these guys just live on Milk and thats the only thing that comes out as well :blind:. So it wasn't difficult especially when the kid's cute and you love him/her. Even when she started having all sorts of food, I changed her diapers. So don't think men can't be good Dads its just that we take everything as they come and don't express our plans coz obviously you'd be thinking that we're exaggerating:shade:.

And guys, don't worry or get scared from now itself, it will be dead easy InshAllah.

 

[celina]

Very weird thing to discuss. Do not think far too ahead as any one of us could be 6 feet under tomorrow. I find it daft to start commenting on such things in the first place

It is not a daft thing to discuss ( however the diaper thing is crazy in the fisrt place) as this is posted anyway, it gives people a reality check, some people are ungrateful for what they have in life.

 

[IslamicRevival]

It is not a daft thing to discuss ( however the diaper thing is crazy in the fisrt place) as this is posted anyway, it gives people a reality check, some people are ungrateful for what they have in life.

I would not say such a thing if i was in a similar position. I feel its immature to talk about such a thing in the first place!

Im just grateful to Allah SWT for letting me see the light of day the next morning. Whats the point of thinking 5/10 years ahead? How do you know what the future holds? Who's to say you are going to have a child in the first place?

I know i may sound harsh but i feel this thread is a total joke. Sorry

 

[Ansariyah]

I would not say such a thing if i was in a similar position. I feel its immature to talk about such a thing in the first place!

Im just grateful to Allah SWT for letting me see the light of day the next morning. Whats the point of thinking 5/10 years ahead? How do you know what the future holds? Who's to say you are going to have a child in the first place?

I know i may sound harsh but i feel this thread is a total joke. Sorry

This thread did not ask for ur harshness, it's the advice section, if you can't advice u dont have to post in it, simple.

I don't understand why people end up having these goes at people who come here to seek advice. Everyone is different, their concerns are different. They dont have to be like urs. n just because u dont like it doesn't give u any right to redicule, n be harsh.

"He who is deprived of forbearance and gentleness is, in fact, deprived of all good.''
[Muslim].