Inlaw troubles......

[tomtomsmom]

Ok so I have been dealing with this for over 3 years and I don't know what to do. I am an American and my husband is from Jordan. The problem is that one of his brothers hates me for no reason other than the fact that I am American and not what he calls "a good muslim girl" (his words not mine so please don't be offended). I thought of converting just to please my husbands family but decided not to because if I do embrace Islam I want it to be for the right reasons. From all of the reading that I have done it makes no sense to me that he can dislike me because of where I was born and the way I was raised. Am I correct on this? I just don't know what to do. It makes my heart ache to know that he doesn't accept me as part of the family because he doesn't even know me. If he took the time to get to know me and then decided that he didn't like me that would be different, but he won't even give me a chance.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Hey
I was going to say you should embrace only for Allah and not for your husband, but i see you already know, which is good. Your right, he shouldnt hate u. Like you said, it must be because you aren't Muslim, but dont let that stop you from anything. If you do choose to accept Islam, do it because "you" want too, not to please anyone else. If you want to please anyone it should be Allah(swt). I dont have any real advice except that your going in the right direction
Good luck to u sis.

Peace

 

[limitless]

I know why they hate you. It simple because of "America"; and how USA has portrayed Muslims in the media, around the world, in UN, and the 9/11 attacks and etc. That's the reason for them being prejudice against you. You should tell your husband that you don't see the way things are portrayed regards to Muslim and Islam. Reason with them and show them your eyes are not blinded, but open to see the truth.

 

[tomtomsmom]

I know why they hate you. It simple because of "America"; and how USA has portrayed Muslims in the media, around the world, in UN, and the 9/11 attacks and etc. That's the reason for them being prejudice against you. You should tell your husband that you don't see the way things are portrayed regards to Muslim and Islam. Reason with them and show them your eyes are not blinded, but open to see the truth.

my husband knows how i feel. and it isn't his whole family just this one brother. his brother knows that i am open to his world but he doesn't want to let me in. on the rare occasion that we run into each other i might as well be made of glass because he looks right through me. and for the record america's government does not always represent the views of the american people. and the american people who agree with it are blind to what is really going on.

 

[Skillganon]

I think your brother inlaw has clouded his judgement with the foreign policies of america in the world with you. In Islam he is wrong to do that or the fact that you are an american.

Have you tried talking to him?

secondly you are correct to base your judgement on accepting Islam for the right reason and not to please your husband or his family.

 

[limitless]

my husband knows how i feel. and it isn't his whole family just this one brother. his brother knows that i am open to his world but he doesn't want to let me in. on the rare occasion that we run into each other i might as well be made of glass because he looks right through me. and for the record america's government does not always represent the views of the american people. and the american people who agree with it are blind to what is really going on.

You know what, talk to him try to make him understand your perspective. Get your husband and the family to make him understand it. If everyone attempts to reason with him, his perspective of you might alter, and accept you as part of the family.

 

[glo]

Ok so I have been dealing with this for over 3 years and I don't know what to do. I am an American and my husband is from Jordan. The problem is that one of his brothers hates me for no reason other than the fact that I am American and not what he calls "a good muslim girl" (his words not mine so please don't be offended). I thought of converting just to please my husbands family but decided not to because if I do embrace Islam I want it to be for the right reasons. From all of the reading that I have done it makes no sense to me that he can dislike me because of where I was born and the way I was raised. Am I correct on this? I just don't know what to do. It makes my heart ache to know that he doesn't accept me as part of the family because he doesn't even know me. If he took the time to get to know me and then decided that he didn't like me that would be different, but he won't even give me a chance.

Welcome to LI, tomtomsmom

I am sorry to hear about your troubles.
Tensions with inlaws can be difficult, especially if they place the related spouse in a difficult situation.

Can I ask how your husband deals with his brother's attitude towards you?
How are the rest of your husband's family towards you?
And how long have you been married? (What I mean is, is there a chance that this might settle, when your brother-in-law gets to know you better?)

There are prejudices and judgmentalism in many people, especially where different cultures or religions clash. Many people here, who have reverted to Islam, experience much criticism and tension from their families too. I guess yours is a reverse situation in some aspects ...

I agree that you should not pretend to be anybody other than yourself, even for the sake of family peace.

Whatever your own personal values may be and whatever they are based on, be true to them!
Pray for guidance and strength in this situation. Remain friendly and humble towards your brother-in-law. Pray for the ability to remain calm, pray for inner peace.
(Whenever I find it impossible to handle situations as I know God would want me to, I remember that it is not by my strength, but by God's strength that I succeed!)

Edit: I just realised that you already answered some of my questions in previous posts. Sorry for not reading properly!

Peace to you.
Keep us posted on how things are going ...

 

[tomtomsmom]

Ok I will try to answer all the questions above but if I miss one let me know.
1)I can't talk to him. He has no desire to speak to me (like I said he doesn't acknolwedge that I even breathe) I really would like to talk to him but my husband says that i shouldn't so i don't try.
2)my husband and his brother work together and as far as i know the topic of me is off limits. i know that heated words have been spoken between the 2 of them because of me but my husband won't tell me because he knows it will hurt me
3)the rest of his family is slowly warming to me. at first they said he had to divorce me or be disowned but then they figured out that he would rather be disowned and have come to accept it even though they don't like it.
4)we have been married just over 3 years.

my husbands brother is as hard headed as a brick wall. there is no talking to him to make him see differently. if you have a different view than him then you are wrong. period. that is just the way he is.

strange thing is that he came to america in the same year i was born so he has been here just as long as i have!

 

[glo]

Well, it sounds like your husband is supportive and protective of you ... as he should.

Can I ask if you got married without his parents' agreement or even knowledge?
I gather that would cause real difficulties in some Muslim families. It may take your in-laws a while to come to terms with your husband's 'disobedience', and blaming you for 'leading him astray' may be one coping strategy for them ...

But if they are slowly warming towards you, then things are beginning to improve, aren't they?
Try to look at the small steps of improvement, rather than think of the battle still ahead!
Patience, sister, patience!!! :happy:

Peace

 

[tomtomsmom]

yes he is very protective of me and that does make me feel much better. he knows that i am a bit of a hot head and not used to biting my tounge for anyones sake so i think alot of it has to do with that. if it came down to it i would not be very nice in an argument with his brother.
when we were to be married i told him that i wouldn't do it unless he told his family. he said he did but alas a yearand a half later i found out that he hadn't and they had just found out. that was when the disowning subject came up. but that fire was fuled by his brother not by the act itself.

 

[snakelegs]

i think you may just have to accept the fact that your brother-in-law is a bigot, which is what it sounds like to me.

 

[Umar001]

my husbands brother is as hard headed as a brick wall. there is no talking to him to make him see differently. if you have a different view than him then you are wrong. period. that is just the way he is.

You know sometimes it is the most unknown reasons which cause such actions to occour. Please do not think that I take sides, I am on neither side, but if you ask the members here they'll tell you that I tend to always bring the 'what if' and controversial side of things, anyhow, having said that here it goes;

In Islaam the ties of kinship are important, so even if someone keeps breaking them, I as a Muslim should keep trying and offering and being gentle with such people, my understanding for this comes from,

The Prophet said: "The one who maintains a relationship with his relatives only because they mantain a relationship with him is not truly upholding the ties of kinship. The one who truly upholds those ties is the one who does so even if they break off the relationship."​

Bukhari.
Taken from The Ideal Muslim,
Muhammad Ali Al Hashimi pg.139​

So we should keep trying and trying to keep on good terms with them, and if they turn away that should not stop us, but we should keep trying, and they will be responsible for their actions.

Also, we have to remember that shaytan is the cause behind wishpers, what ever preconditioning or prejudice this brother has it is probably to have been a whisper, maybe theres a reason that he thinks what he thinks, not that your wrong or you've done wrong, but maybe he's understood things wrong, so we should keep patient and insha'Allah, God Willing, he will come to his sense and understand that in Islaam, no person or society carries the burden of another, no person is bad because they are black or white.

And May Almighty God guides us on the straight path. Ameen.

 

[tomtomsmom]

[/B]

i don't know what shaytan means, sorry could you explain?
my husband didn't handle the situation well. he didn't tell them because he knew that they would not accept me. though he loves his family and treats them well he does not see things the way they do. his brother i fear will never give me a chance. he is too proud to admit that he may be wrong about me. but i am still nice to him. well as much as i can be because he refuses to breathe the same air as me. but as i sadi before my husband and his brother work together so through my husband i am nice ot him. when i cook dinner i make enough to send some with my husband to work for both of them to eat the next day. i also bake treats and send them for him. i don't really know what else to do. and here in america we have a saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" so perhaps over time he will give me a chance as long as i keep feeding him

 

[glo]

i don't know what shaytan means, sorry could you explain?my husband didn't handle the situation well. he didn't tell them because he knew that they would not accept me. though he loves his family and treats them well he does not see things the way they do. his brother i fear will never give me a chance. he is too proud to admit that he may be wrong about me. but i am still nice to him. well as much as i can be because he refuses to breathe the same air as me. but as i sadi before my husband and his brother work together so through my husband i am nice ot him. when i cook dinner i make enough to send some with my husband to work for both of them to eat the next day. i also bake treats and send them for him. i don't really know what else to do. and here in america we have a saying "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" so perhaps over time he will give me a chance as long as i keep feeding him

Shaytan is Satan, sister.

I hope and pray that your situation will improve and that God's peace will rest on your family.

Peace

 

[tomtomsmom]

Shaytan is Satan, sister.

I hope and pray that your situation will improve and that God's peace will rest on your family.

Peace

thanks for letting me know. and thanks for all of the well wishes.
i don't want to pretend that i am at all perfect. there are many mistakes that i have made. but my husband knows them all and is ok with it but i think his brother can't get past them. there is also the problem that his brother tried to arrange a marriage for him and my husband refused but then got married to me. so i think the brothers pride was hurt by this. i don't know. this is so very frustrating that i just want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream until i run out of breath and then scream some more. if you hadn't guessed already it really upsets me when people don't like me

 

[glo]

thanks for letting me know. and thanks for all of the well wishes.
i don't want to pretend that i am at all perfect. there are many mistakes that i have made. but my husband knows them all and is ok with it but i think his brother can't get past them. there is also the problem that his brother tried to arrange a marriage for him and my husband refused but then got married to me. so i think the brothers pride was hurt by this. i don't know. this is so very frustrating that i just want to climb to the top of a mountain and scream until i run out of breath and then scream some more. if you hadn't guessed already it really upsets me when people don't like me

Well, you can't please everybody all the time.
Better to stay true to yourself and your own values/beliefs!

And screaming from the mountain tops doesn't sound like a bad idea at all!!

Peace