inlaws

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anonymous

anonymous

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Salaam,

I have met a nice muslim brother and we are engaged. However he wants to live with his mother and father and i want our own place - but he is having none of it and says to me either that or nothing. i feel really hurt and upset. how do i explain to him that islamically he must provide me with this as it is my right over his.

w salaam
 
Islamically it is his duty to provide seperate accomedation for the wife. He must look after his parents too. that is the duty of the son and not the daughter in law. if she does then its from the goodness of her heart and nobody can force her to. Its a shame now a days how we confuse islam and culture together and put culture first.
 
:sl:
ask how he would like his rights to be withheld?

if you dont want to, you have to come to some sort of compromise. either sort something out or just go fishing somewhere else.

at the very least, put some conditions on him if you have to live with them.
 
:sl:
then you should speak to him about your reasons and your concerns...the ball is then in his court.

you should do what is good by you...if you feel you cant handle it, don't bite off more than you can chew. pray istikhara as well.

all the best.
 
Agree with sister Ummu Sufyaan!

anonymous said:
what if istikara says its positive and he dont wna move out - then what?
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Then you have your answer. You never know it might be OK living with your in-laws. You can move out later on. Why don't you agree on a date. Perhaps within a year. Speak with him and sort it out if your not comfortable.
 
but isnt it the female's right to decide whether she wants her own place or live with the inlaws - why does the male have to dictate everything.
 
hmm touchy subject, whilst a wife has a right to privacy if a man wants to look after his parents and have them living with him then that is also his duty. could you not compromise like tell him you dont mind living on the same street/next door or even same house so long as you completely have your own privacy/quarters?
 
Sister sure you have rights. I'm not denying that. Why don't you ask him why he doesn't want a place of his own? He may have his reasons.

I knew a brother who was going to marry a sister that was asking the same thing. To get a house and live together. Nothing wrong with this except he couldn't afford to pay deposit for a house nor rent. He was working and studying. He did say that within a year we could move out but at the end the brother said it's taken so long that he didn't feel it wouldn't work out. So basically he said it wasn't worth it.

Just out of curiosity can you provide me some proof where it says Islamically its the right of sisters to choose where they want to live. I'm just curious. Again speak to him and sort it out.
 
if a women has the right to her own privacy and he can have the inlaws live with us - isnt that just a contradiction?

it is the duty of the man to provide seperate accomedation for the wife...

''It is the absolute right of a wife on her husband to provide her with a special house without having to share it with other family members''

source: http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/index.php?page=showfatwa&Option=FatwaId&Id=84608
 
I don't know anything about rights in Islam, so I know nothing about your right to be supported in your own home or not......... For me, personally, it seems you have a very bad attitude about all of this. You are not happy now and you have not even married this man yet. You are demanding things of him now and he is not your husband. I can only imagine how unhappy and demanding you will be once he is your husband. I am not saying this to be mean, I wonder if maybe you do not realize how you come across. Marriage should never be about "me" or "I." It is an "us." Two people coming together as one. When you start making demands like this you are only thinking of self. Your future husband may not be able to afford separate accommodations, and he is looking for the best way that he knows how to fulfill all his obligations. A wife should be supportive of her husband and do what she can to make life easier for him. Instead of stressing him out with demands and thinking only of yourself, have you thought about humbling yourself with the heart of a servant and gaining a good attitude about all of this? We can not control others-- we can only control ourself and our own attitude towards things in life. Since he has said that living with his parents is the best that he can do, then you can either accept that and change your attitude about it, or you can call off the engagement and find a man with more money.
 
The issue you've presented is still very vague. What you should do is present the matter is a knowledgable individual and include all aspects of this.

First off

1) How old are you guys
2) Are either/both of you in Uni
3) Is he working
4) How old are his parents? Are they disabled/sick?
5) What is his background and yours (yes culture plays a role in nikkah and many other aspects of Islam)
6) Is he the only son? If not, how old are his brothers? How capable are they of taking care of his parents?
7) What alternative solutions do you have? What alternative solutions does he have?

Please look at the bigger picture, and he should as well. I hope it works out, may Allah help you both ameen.
 
@ anonymous: You should be happy that he has clarified to you in advance what he wants. If you are not happy with it, dont marry. You being hurt because of his ability to say either this or not is not in any way severe than him being hurt by not being able to live with his parents, especially since he has clarified his intentions clearly right before the marriage. Either both of you must find some common ground/compromise or its time to move on.

Its not part of his culture to live with his parents. Islamically, he should buy you your separate place but he has no obligation to spend all the time with you in your house. He should relax his laws a bit but only to the extent where you will have your own place but where he will spend equal time with his parents in his house and with you in your house.
 
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You have no rights since you are currently not his wife. He has told you honestly what he wants, and if you cannot meet those requirements then you have your answer. I don't think this is something to be forcefully changed, and even though you could compromise and say you will move out in a year I don't think its worth it since your feelings are very strong on this and if you don't move out in a year you'll only make things difficult for him.
 
anonymous said:
but isnt it the female's right to decide whether she wants her own place or live with the inlaws - why does the male have to dictate everything.
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he doesnt :hmm:

amani said:
hmm touchy subject, whilst a wife has a right to privacy if a man wants to look after his parents and have them living with him then that is also his duty. could you not compromise like tell him you dont mind living on the same street/next door or even same house so long as you completely have your own privacy/quarters?
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i agree with this as well. if you live close to them, they can still be looked after (if thats the reason he wants by you living with them).

if you go ahead with it as i said, lay some conditions and make him understand what your concerns are (i mean everything you are worried about talk to him and bring it to his attention and make sure he understands things from your perspective.
 
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Al-Kaasaani (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

If a husband wants to make her live with a co-wife or her in-laws, such as his mother or sister or daughter from another marriage or another relative, and she refuses to accept that, then he has to provide her with accommodation of her own… But if he lodges her in a room of the house that has a door of its own, this is sufficient for her and she should not ask him for alternative accommodation, because the harm caused by fear for her belongings and not being able to relax is no longer there. (Badaa’i’ al-Sanaa’i’, 4/23)

so as long as there is not any non marhrms there such as his brother etc only his parnets he can keep his wife in the same house but if she refuses then he can give her a room in the house with its own bathroom and kitchen and a door to clse it
and again he was kind to tell u before marrying so that u know what he wants and you said he said this is how it is then that is how it is either take it or leave it
 
anonymous said:
but isnt it the female's right to decide whether she wants her own place or live with the inlaws - why does the male have to dictate everything.
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He is dictating his terms. But arent you the one who is dictating her own terms as well i.e. to have a separate house? It seems pretty sexist when a woman makes comments like that regarding males.
 
Dagless said:
You have no rights since you are currently not his wife. He has told you honestly what he wants, and if you cannot meet those requirements then you have your answer. I don't think this is something to be forcefully changed, and even though you could compromise and say you will move out in a year I don't think its worth it since your feelings are very strong on this and if you don't move out in a year you'll only make things difficult for him.
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mad_scientist said:
He is dictating his terms. But arent you the one who is dictating her own terms as well i.e. to have a separate house? It seems pretty sexist when a woman makes comments like that regarding males.
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Agree with the above. Yes, it is your right to have seperate accomodation, but there is irony in your statement with regard to him dictating.

how do i explain to him that islamically he must provide me with this as it is my right over his.
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Have you actually tried telling him that it is an Islamic obligation? If so, what was his response?
 

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