inlaws

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it depends on his financial situation sister. i agree with pouring rain. he might not be able to efford separate accomadation however nobody is saying it wont be hard it will be especially if its a small house it will be hard having privacy and his parents will more then likely hear everything when they are in the house
 
anonymous said:
Salaam,

I have met a nice muslim brother and we are engaged. However he wants to live with his mother and father and i want our own place - but he is having none of it and says to me either that or nothing. i feel really hurt and upset. how do i explain to him that islamically he must provide me with this as it is my right over his.

w salaam
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Assalamualikum my dear sister.

I am in the same boat with you.Well I am married and living with my in laws now.I know it is not that easy especially dealing with your mother in law lol.

Well which one do you prefer?To loose him forever or give him some time till he can get a house for you?

Actually it isn't that bad living with ur in laws.for example when u have children,she will help u in taking care of ur kids and this reduce ur burden.

perhaps u need on some islamic books on how to deal with in laws.it takes a long time to get use to each other.during this long time,you need to be really strong.
 
anonymous said:
He can afford it - he is really wealthy. I have enough money to rent also.
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Then he must get a house for you as that is what Islam says.Because taking care if the wife's feeling is obligatory and it is not islamic to live together with the parents unless he doesn't have other choice.You really need to come to an agreement before marrying him.This is a huge step and becareful.If possible get things written down black and white.Just for safety precaution.
 
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People people people!!!!

Lets go easy on the sis!!! I understand everyone's grievances but we know so little about this situation.

As for the OP, you're not helping by just giving us 5% of the information. Much more needs to be known before anything drastic is considered.

You mentioned he is wealthy, can you answer the rest of the questions I previously posted? That would help in giving everyone a better understanding towards your situation.
 
you know this could mean a mini apartment/section within the house?

if he is really wealthy then tell him you dont mind a compromise like living on the same street or area etc so long as you have your OWN space..and when his parents need him (as in they are old and incapable of looking after themselves) you dont mind them living with you all but you really need your own privacy
 
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:sl: If he is his parents main carer and they can't fend for themselves, meaning they are sick/elderly, or both, then I can understand him not wanting to move out. But he does have to provide you with a separate accomodation which of course means that his time will be divided between two homes.He will be working too, so that that leaves even less time for you. Like any dutiful son he may check on his parents first before coming to you. You will have to accept his parents come first.



Before you insist on separate accomodation, consider the advantages and disadvantages of living with your in-laws. It is certainly not easy finding yourself alone with a baby. With in-laws there is always someone to feed or watch over the baby when you need to do something else. If you're alone and hubby is at work, you won't be able to do much except be stuck with the baby all by yourself. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without my son screaming his head off. It's enough to drive you to insanity. Now imagine cooking, cleaning and the rest of it - not to mention the zombie-like state you're in for months if your baby doesn't sleep through the night. I also noticed babies in lively households are happier and more stimulated. Of course there are downsides to living with in-laws too and I'm sure you're well aware of them from other's experiences. But what I'm saying is, it might not be like that for you. So weigh the pros and cons and then come to a decision. Don't let others make your mind up for you. If after taking everything into consideration you think you can't do it then tell your fiance. But don't be unfair either. If you know financially he is not in the position to afford two households, and you can't accept that, then let him go.


:wa:
 
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anonymous said:
Salaam,

I have met a nice muslim brother and we are engaged. However he wants to live with his mother and father and i want our own place - but he is having none of it and says to me either that or nothing. i feel really hurt and upset. how do i explain to him that islamically he must provide me with this as it is my right over his.

w salaam
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Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb,

In the name of Allah, Most Compassionate, Most Merciful,

The Shariah has given certain rights to the husband, just as it has give rights to the wife. Many times, failure to give the spouses their rights results in conflict and eventually breakdown of Marriage.

These rights, at times, may not go down to well with certain people and cultures. However, it is necessary for us to educate those Muslims who have been affected by cultural customs and traditions, and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah.

The benefit of learning and educating the masses about the rules and injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs is that each party will appreciate what the other has to offer. Subsequently, this will lead to respect, love and harmony.

For example, it is not necessary upon the wife to cook for or serve her parents in-law. Now, many people believe that it is the duty of the wife to look after not only the household affairs but all the family members including the nephew, niece, etc... If she is negligent in any way, then she is rebuked.

However, if the in-laws did not regard this as an incumbent duty of the wife, and she on her own accord took care of the household work, then this work will surely be appreciated. She will also in turn do her best to give something back in return for this appreciation.

Therefore, it is our duty that we teach the masses and inform them of the injunctions of Shariah with regards to social affairs. This may be a Jihad, and one will no doubt face much opposition from culturally oriented individuals, but the rewards by Allah will be immense Insha Allah.

The Wife’s Right to an Independent ‘Shariah House’

In the Hanafi school, the wife has a right to live (and demand to live) separately. It is the duty and responsibility of the husband to provide her with shelter (suknah). This shelter must, if she demands so, be free from the interference of any of the husband’s family. The responsibility of the husband will be fulfilled if the wife is provided with a separate area within the house, and where she is able to keep her belongings and where none of the husband’s family members are able to enter.

Imam al-Haskafi states in Durr al-Mukhtar:

“It is necessary for the husband to provide the wife with a shelter (home) that is free from his and her family members…. taking into consideration both their economic standings. A separate quarter within the house that has a lock, separate bathroom and kitchen will be [minimally] sufficient.”

The great Imam Ibn Abidin (Allah have mercy on him) comments on this by saying:

“The reason behind al-Haskafi’s statement “Free from his family members” is that at times it may be harmful for her to share the house with other people, as her belongings may not be safe. Also, she will not able to enjoy her husband’s company in the presence of other people”.

Regarding al-Haskafi’s statement “Separate bathroom and kitchen”, this may defer from one family to another. Poor people who normally share these things with other families may find it difficult to provide a house with a separate bathroom and cooking area. Therefore, for them it will be sufficient to provide a separate quarter that has a lock” (Radd al-Muhtar 3/559-600).

Imam al-Kasani states in his Bada’i al-Sana’i:

“It is necessary to provide the wife with shelter as Allah Most High Says: “Let the women live in the same stile as you live, according to your means. And annoy them not, so as to restrict them” (al-Talaq, 6).

So what about the other family members?

If the husband desired her to live with his other wife or his family members, such as: his mum, sister, daughter from another wife or relatives, and she refused, then it will incumbent upon him to provide her with a separate living quarter. The reason for this is that she may be harmed in co-sharing, and her refusal is a sign of harm. Also, the spouses need to fulfill their mutual sexual needs whenever the need arises, which may be difficult with others around.

If the husband provided her with a separate quarter in a large home, which has a separate lock, then she will not have right to demand for a total separate house” (Kasani, Bada’i al-Sana’i, Vol.4, P.23).

In Conclusion

In conclusion, it is the responsibility of the husband to provide the wife with shelter. If she demands it to be separate from the husbands family, then the husband will be obliged to provide a living quarter which is free from the interference of others and that it has a separate lock. As far as the bathroom and cooking area is concerned, this should also be separate if they are not from a poor family background (as Ibn Abidin mentions in length in his super commentary), or else the responsibility will be discharged by providing the above.

And Allah knows best

Sheikh Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari, UK

Therefore sister it is clear that it is your right to have your own living space seperate from his parents but if he has made his position clear then you should have a very serious think about whether you want to take this to marriage or not as this is your chance to pull out and find someone that is willing to live seperatley.

If there are non mahrams in the house like his brother then it is not permissable for you to live there but if he is the only son and the only one who can look after his parents then you should respect his wished that he wants to remain with them and look after them in their final years. At least he has made it clear to you at this stage prior to marriage so he has not wronged you in anyway. But if you do choose to stay with his inlaws then that would be a means of great reward for you even though it is not your duty to look after his parents but if he is the only son then surely it is his duty to look after his parents during their old age.

So you should make your choice now so that you do not regret it later for it is not too late to pull out as an engagement does not exist in Islam. Ask of Allah and i hope inshallah whatever is best will happen for you and him. Ameen
 

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