Interference of family in marriage

[anonymous]

Hi everyone,

I know that according to a Hadith, an unmarried woman needs consent and permission to marry from her guardian or parents. Whereas, a divorced or widow can inform of her choice of marriage partner to her guardian or parents but she doesnot necessarily need there permission.

Issue facing here is my father constantly refuses every proposal I have been getting after divorce, even before my divorce he had issues. After a lot of time and proposals I found this man whom I feel happy and introduced him to my parents. My mother approves him but my father is lingering on the nikkah saying let me check so and so, just baseless reasons. My father is a man of rash temperament and verbally abusive as well. I just pray to be peacefully married but my father is creating issues again. Please can you tell what right way there could be in this for marriage and harmony?

 

[jabeady]

If you don't mind an outsider ' point of view:

As I understand it, you are divorced and therefore do not need your father's consent. He doesn't appear to want you to remarry, at all. He, himself, seems to be an unhappy person.

It therefore seems to me that you could either not remarry, have an unhappy father and be unhappy in your loneliness, or you could marry, have an unhappy father and be happy in your husband.

Well, I know which choice I would make.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

Hi everyone,

I know that according to a Hadith, an unmarried woman needs consent and permission to marry from her guardian or parents. Whereas, a divorced or widow can inform of her choice of marriage partner to her guardian or parents but she doesnot necessarily need there permission.

Issue facing here is my father constantly refuses every proposal I have been getting after divorce, even before my divorce he had issues. After a lot of time and proposals I found this man whom I feel happy and introduced him to my parents. My mother approves him but my father is lingering on the nikkah saying let me check so and so, just baseless reasons. My father is a man of rash temperament and verbally abusive as well. I just pray to be peacefully married but my father is creating issues again. Please can you tell what right way there could be in this for marriage and harmony?

:salamext:

Speak to your dad about your concerns. A woman still needs the permission of her father even if she has been divorced in the past. Talk to others in your family who can help and if all else fails speak to an imam who's knowledge and religiosity is trusted. Perhaps he can calm your father's uneasiness regarding your situation.

You have to remember that getting married is a sunnah but being kind and respectful to your parents is obligatory. Don't feel discontent towards your dad because you desire something optional. Your time for marriage will come inshaa'Allah. You have to be patient.

 

['abd al-hakeem]

:salamext:

Speak to your dad about your concerns. A woman still needs the permission of her father even if she has been divorced in the past.

As salaaamu aleykum wa rahmat Allahi wa baraaktuhu akhi

Forgive my ignorance but I recall reading somewhere that a wife must have a wali, this I'm sure of. As the Prophet Muhammad, sulla Allahu aleihi wa sallam said "Marriage without a wali (guardian) is invalid".

This being said I've also read that a wali can be one of five males including father, grandfather, brother, mature aged son or, in cases where the reason for declining marriage proposal is not inline with the sunnah or for reasons pertaining to the sunnah, the wali can be an imam provided the sunnah is adhered to.

Perhaps take the path of making istikhara in what you hope to achieve.

After all... Allahu alem

 

['Abd-al Latif]

As salaaamu aleykum wa rahmat Allahi wa baraaktuhu akhi

Forgive my ignorance but I recall reading somewhere that a wife must have a wali, this I'm sure of. As the Prophet Muhammad, sulla Allahu aleihi wa sallam said "Marriage without a wali (guardian) is invalid".

This being said I've also read that a wali can be one of five males including father, grandfather, brother, mature aged son or, in cases where the reason for declining marriage proposal is not inline with the sunnah or for reasons pertaining to the sunnah, the wali can be an imam provided the sunnah is adhered to.

Perhaps take the path of making istikhara in what you hope to achieve.

After all... Allahu alem

The right is firstly of the father and it cannot be be taken away from him. One cannot pick and choose who to have as a wali.

 

['abd al-hakeem]

The right is firstly of the father and it cannot be be taken away from him. One cannot pick and choose who to have as a wali.

salaamu aleykum akhi 'abd al-Latif. Jazakallahu khair for your response.

 

[piXie]

:salamext:

Speak to your dad about your concerns. A woman still needs the permission of her father even if she has been divorced in the past. Talk to others in your family who can help and if all else fails speak to an imam who's knowledge and religiosity is trusted. Perhaps he can calm your father's uneasiness regarding your situation.

You have to remember that getting married is a sunnah but being kind and respectful to your parents is obligatory. Don't feel discontent towards your dad because you desire something optional. Your time for marriage will come inshaa'Allah. You have to be patient.

:salamext:

While I understand what you meant and agree with your overall advice, I just wanted to clarify that marriage is not something that is just optional but a very important part of completing half our Eeman.

 

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

While I understand what you meant and agree with your overall advice, I just wanted to clarify that marriage is not something that is just optional but a very important part of completing half our Eeman.

What's more important is completing the first half - the obligations of worshiping Allah as he should be and being a righteous Muslim. If the first half of your iman is deficient then marriage isn't going to make you a better Muslim. People are under an illusion that marriage ends happily ever after whereas in practice marriage is a commitment and a responsibility and has it's own set of challenges. You need the first half of your iman to prepare you for that. Unfortunately people nowadays are more concerned with optional matters than obligations.

 

[piXie]

What's more important is completing the first half - the obligations of worshiping Allah as he should be and being a righteous Muslim. If the first half of your iman is deficient then marriage isn't going to make you a better Muslim. People are under an illusion that marriage ends happily ever after whereas in practice marriage is a commitment and a responsibility and has it's own set of challenges. You need the first half of your iman to prepare you for that. Unfortunately people nowadays are more concerned with optional matters than obligations.

I understand where you are coming from brother but we cannot say that marriage is optional whereas respecting our parents is obligatory. Marriage is a right upon the nafs and Islam did not come to oppress this. A person cannot say marriage is optional and obeying the parents is obligatory therefore I should give precedence to obeying parents - as though the matter is about parents rights vs my rights. Islam came to protect the rights of both parties. Nowadays we have two extremes - in some households the parents rights r being abused and in other households - the children's rights are abused. We need to remember that Islam is fair and recognises the needs of every individual. Marriage is a fundamental basic right of a human being and there's a lot of emphasis in Islam to get married - in order to be fulfilled, wholesome & strong individuals who can concentrate on worshipping Allah better.

Again - you are completely right that parents have every right to be respected, obeyed, and treated kindly - but if the parents are not adhering to the shariah or becoming a hindrance in their children's marriage without a shari reason - then the matter needs to be taken to a third party such as an Islamic judge who can try and speak to the parents and resolve the situation. The judge may even take away the fathers position as the Wali if it is being misused.

If anyone finds themselves in this situation they should fear Allah to the best of their ability - in terms of their rights n the rights of those around them - and make a lot of duaa to Allaah for help including istikhara. If it is good for them, Allah will make a way out. If not - then they should know that nothing befalls a believer except that there is good in it for them. In any situation, a believer should be patient upon their efforts towards khair, because Allah is with those who are patient. May Allah guide us all and ease our affairs. Aameen

 

['Abd-al Latif]

I understand where you are coming from brother but we cannot say that marriage is optional whereas respecting our parents is obligatory. Marriage is a right upon the nafs and Islam did not come to oppress this. A person cannot say marriage is optional and obeying the parents is obligatory therefore I should give precedence to obeying parents - as though the matter is about parents rights vs my rights. Islam came to protect the rights of both parties. Nowadays we have two extremes - in some households the parents rights r being abused and in other households - the children's rights are abused. We need to remember that Islam is fair and recognises the needs of every individual. Marriage is a fundamental basic right of a human being and there's a lot of emphasis in Islam to get married - in order to be fulfilled, wholesome & strong individuals who can concentrate on worshipping Allah better.

Again - you are completely right that parents have every right to be respected, obeyed, and treated kindly - but if the parents are not adhering to the shariah or becoming a hindrance in their children's marriage without a shari reason - then the matter needs to be taken to a third party such as an Islamic judge who can try and speak to the parents and resolve the situation. The judge may even take away the fathers position as the Wali if it is being misused.

If anyone finds themselves in this situation they should fear Allah to the best of their ability - in terms of their rights n the rights of those around them - and make a lot of duaa to Allaah for help including istikhara. If it is good for them, Allah will make a way out. If not - then they should know that nothing befalls a believer except that there is good in it for them. In any situation, a believer should be patient upon their efforts towards khair, because Allah is with those who are patient. May Allah guide us all and ease our affairs. Aameen

We're looking at this from two completely different ends of the spectrum.

The position of marriage in Islam is that it is a recommended sunnah and it is not an obligation. If it was an obligation then all unmarried people of age will be sinful. However, if a person's personal circumstances suggest a need for marriage then the ruling changes accordingly for that individual. It should also be noted that it does not become incumbent for the entire ummah to get married because of the needs of one individual.

In contrast respecting and obeying one's parents within the boundaries set by Allah is an obligation and one does not have a choice in the matter. Allah mentions in surah al-Isra that we mustn't even utter the most insignificant form of disrespect by saying 'uff' to our parents because of their status in Islam.

I agree with the points you've mentioned but Allah has not made it an obligation to marry.

 

[Supernova]

Hi everyone,

I know that according to a Hadith, an unmarried woman needs consent and permission to marry from her guardian or parents. Whereas, a divorced or widow can inform of her choice of marriage partner to her guardian or parents but she doesnot necessarily need there permission.

Issue facing here is my father constantly refuses every proposal I have been getting after divorce, even before my divorce he had issues. After a lot of time and proposals I found this man whom I feel happy and introduced him to my parents. My mother approves him but my father is lingering on the nikkah saying let me check so and so, just baseless reasons. My father is a man of rash temperament and verbally abusive as well. I just pray to be peacefully married but my father is creating issues again. Please can you tell what right way there could be in this for marriage and harmony?

Asalaamualaykum:

Dear Sister in Islam:

Shaytaan is an illusive, cunning enemy. One of the main mechanisms of Shaytaan is to create disunity in family. When you multiply that by numerous families it eventually leads to the breakdown of harmony in Islamic civil society thereby multiplying his Fitna to unimaginable magnitudes.

I humbly ask you to please consider the following parable:

Whenever we apply for a job, hoping for an interview, and that job interview gets rejected. We don't even get granted an interview - we commonly say as muslims that it was Qadr. The job wasn't meant for us. Some muslims say this as a defence mechanism to avoid heartbreak - and others actually mean it.
Whichever way it pans out - we never do contact the company to request to meet the person who rejected the application. We just accept it as Qadr.

Taking note of the above - As muslims we believe in the Sifaath of Allah SWT, that he is the ultimate controller, planner, All wise, The most Just Etc. Whatever happens occurs only through his permission and allowance.

In your case - the frustration creeps in only because your father rejects this mans possible proposal. Because this is evident to you - you have an actual entity to blame for that choice but in reality, your father is NOT the last and ultimate decider - it is Allah SWT.

Shaytaan is misleading you to believe that this proposal should have happened but it is your father that is stopping it. In reality you have no proof that your father not being there, that this nikah will 100% definitely took place. So in other words Shaytaan has shifted the Sifaath of Allah SWT from Allah SWT to your father. This is Shaytaans ULTIMATE DEPECTION. He then influences you to believe that your father is the ultimate decider when in reality he is not.

This is a common problem with many muslims understanding. Even if your father says yes to this boy, Can you guarantee this Nikah will definitely go ahead ? If Allah SWT wants he can take your life or the boys life before that nikah !! If Allah SWT wants he has a million options for that Nikah not to take place.

In simple words - Allah SWT is the ultimate controller. You said that your father is verbally abusive - You have no idea that Allah SWT is even probably saving this man from a future Abusive father-in-law !!!!

Bottom line is whether you father agrees or not - Allah SWT is the ultimate controller. Shaytaan will lead you astray into building bad, sour feelings towards your father.

Maulana Khatani from South Africa said " Recity your relationship with Allah SWT, and Allah SWT will rectify your relationship with his entire creation"