is a wife allowed to talk like this?

[Bint-e-Adam]

Assalamo Alaikum
when a wife has been suffering bad word for herself spoken by her hsuband.
and also rude things.
so what if she has fed up and talk to him same the word for him. is in Islam wife cannot talk to her husband in the same way like her husband talks to her?
NOTE: i know the answers would be such as talk to your hsuband, solve your matters etc.
i only want to know if a wife can talk to him in his same way or not? or show him attitude to show her importance. i know these things destroy one's home. but what does Islam says?
Does Islam says only to wife to suffer all these things of her hsuband?
as a husband ask everything that are not important to her wife. forbid her form evrything that is allowed in islam., take to her rudely, talk to her only when his mood is good. or inisist his wife to smile when he wants. all these things only allowed to men and not women?
is their not eqaulity in these things? a women can not even ask him where were u? or not even ask him is she want to go anywhere.
all these things that i have discussed before.
but now i only want reference of Islam about all these things.
pls do reply with the stragith forward answers to my main questions.

 

[Abdul Fattah]

Aselam aleykum
I don't think this is an issue of what a wife is allowed vs. what a husband is allowed. Both should try and speak in the best way and be caring and so on!
Also as a general rule, two wrongs don't make a right. If somebody does something bad to you, that doesn't automatically give you permission to do bad as well! Of course you are allowed to defend yourself, and you shouldn't let him walk all over you. But you should try to be the bigger person, and not sink to his level. I mean, you can tell him your opinion without being rude or insulting for example. Of course in the heat of the moment one might says things one later regrets. But you should at least try to control it.

 

[Muslim Woman]

I agree . No one is allowed to misbehave with others . Prophet pbuh was never rude to any of his wives .

He advised men to treat wives nicely . So , pl. both of u , calm down and try to be more pateint .



"Dwell with your wives in kindness for even if you hate them, you might be hating someone in whom God has placed so much good." [Noble Quran 4:19]

 

[May Ayob]

Does Islam says only to wife to suffer all these things of her hsuband?

No.

husband ask everything that are not important to her wife. forbid her form evrything that is allowed in islam., take to her rudely, talk to her only when his mood is good. or inisist his wife to smile when he wants. all these things only

That is selfish behavior, this is an emotionally abusive situation.


I know you've probably heard this more than once but I have no choice but to say it too. I think that there should be good communication between the two. Before taking any decisions the wife should observe her husband's behavior. Is he always like this even when they were first married?. Does he do this to everyone else around him or is it just the wife?. Does he have problems at work?. Is this a reaction to something the wife did? and so on. If he only behaves in that way because he has problems at his job , the wife should excuse him and forgive him because he's stressed out and probably thinks she doesn't understand what he is going through. Later on though, at least after he calms down she should speak with him about her feelings and how his behavior affects her and she should request that he would be a little more considerate when he is trying to vent out his stress so that it doesn't have a negative effect in their relationship on the long run. Suggest for him to go on a walk or just do something on his own. Let bygones be bygones; a wife would also like the same if she was stressed out and frustrated--we all need understanding and we seek that from our homes and families. But if it's a different case where the husband is constantly behaving in an aggressive and demeaning manner, I think she should again speak to him and tell him that it can have a really adverse effect on her self esteem that he treats her so badly, if that doesn't work, I think she should consult his mother or his sister (if he has any) about the matter so that they can have a positive influence of him also be patient and have hope.Though, if things are getting progressively worse; first thing the wife should calm down don't lose your temper and don't think of treating him the same way, and I would never advise the wife to talk back at him or yell back; it *never* works trust me I've seen this happening through out my life. Most men don't like it when the wife talks back at them (unfair though I mean he started it) they see it as her challenging his manliness or something and will never consider apologizing or taking their hurtfull words back instead they turn it into a battlefield which can be quite agressive; things like that and constant argueing can have detrimental effects on their marriage. Don't stoop to that level it's never woth it it just gets really draining in the end and there will be so much 'I wish I didn'ts' going on through your head. If he refuses to change this attitude and he's completely determined to continue treating the wife in this way, I'd say stop talking to him altogether untill he calms down and re-evaluates his actions I mean don't completely ignore him if it's possible but just give him a solemn notion that noone deserves to be treated in that way and that's including you. But there has to be some rational explantion as to why he is doing this; you don't really get married to make your life a living hell, If he comes home angry and starts yelling please don't panic or get defensive just calmly greet him and when he trys to vent out his anger just leave the room or say something like 'I'm sorry about the trouble you're facing at work but now you're at home alhamdulilah and theres nothing to worry about..' or something.If there are children involved please don't argue in their presence it can have sereve effects that will manifest later on in their life. If their father is always angry and hurtful that doesn't mean their mother has be like that as well. So don't give up and be kind not because you want him to retreat but because that's who you want to be, and smile because smiling is good whether he asks you to or not and don't let your life revolve around him just because he's your husband there are other aspects in your life you should flourish as well. And there's nothing wrong with asking him why he came back home late, but try not ask him in a way that indicates that you are suspicious of him or trying to restrict his curfew; ask as if you're really concerned and/or worried and that you miss him-- this way he will appreciate it and probably make more effort in coming earlier next time, he will be more honest too because there's nothing that makes him feel threatened or something. Unfortunately if everything fails and nothing advances I don't realy want to point at that direction but if it's a really unbearable position and situation maybe divorce would be a suitable option---but *only* when there's really no other way around it. My best wishes.

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

thanks a lot sister.
you have advised in a best manner. i really want to know the actual reason of his anger. he become angry to all of surroundings, even to himself too . and do not ever tell me the reason. infact he tell me later when he calms down.
but there is a difficulty for me. as i am only got nikah but not reception.
so i am not living in his home or with him. i only talk at mobile calls or messaging. so how can i manage it on my phone calls? as he whenever wants,drops the call. dont talk to me. for many days i mean.
so how can i treat him well in this situation.
i am already upset due to the personal home conditions. and when he talks to me like this so i become more angry. but cant find a proper way to solve this out?

 

[ژاله]

The following post of course contains my personal opinion. You dont have to agree with it, I just hope it gives you some insight, also please forgive the direct manner, I didnt want to sugar coat things for you.
It sounds like you have got the job of changing someone's character. That has to be one of the most difficult tasks in the world. Sorry to be blunt, but the childish, immature, manipulative and abusive behaviour of your husband indicates to me that he never really learnt to behave. Clearly he does not respect you as a person and thinks of you more like an extension of soul. Probably his idea of wife is someone who he can use to fulfill his needs and thats it. Think of it like this. Think of an institution like a college. Excluding especially God fearing people, most of the people do not care about people like janitors, they dont care to make friends with them or connect with them. All they care about is having a clean campus. If the janitors are doing their job, they don't notice anything. If the janitors dont do their job, they will scold them. Again sorry for giving this example, but I hope it explains the principle I am trying to explain. He probably has a sense of self righteousness and entitlement that as a husband, he is always right and you as his wife must fulfill each and everyone of his wishes. He doesnt realize that he also has to show flexibility and be giving at some points. He is probably one of those men who tend to be extremely controlling at home but are weak outside. Surely he knows he cant get away with that kind of behaviour in real life. But he wants marriage to be his comfort zone, as in he can do whatever he wants there. I think that if you focus on being obedient to him, and conforming to his desires, it is only going to lead to more such behaviour from him since he does not understand the concept of giving or simply being nice to people, he seems to have an expansionist nature. In my observation and experience such kind of people often need to be dealt with a firm hand. You need to think hard to define your boundaries and have them implemented. Make clear to him that you wont be spoken to rudely, what kind of behaviour you wont tolerate etc you dont have to be rude to do so but you absolutely need to be firm. Thats the crucial thing. You also need to make sure that he cant get away with violations. Excluding the possibility of some extraordinary change, he is going to take a loong time to learn these things. It is probably going to be a daily struggle for you to put up with his attitude. If you cant set your boundaries and cant be firm, you are probably going to be his doormat for the rest of your life, I think it would be such a natural consequence of failing to set your boundaries and having them implemented that you might as well accept it without question.

 

[May Ayob]

thanks a lot sister.
you have advised in a best manner. i really want to know the actual reason of his anger. he become angry to all of surroundings, even to himself too . and do not ever tell me the reason. infact he tell me later when he calms down.
but there is a difficulty for me. as i am only got nikah but not reception.
so i am not living in his home or with him. i only talk at mobile calls or messaging. so how can i manage it on my phone calls? as he whenever wants,drops the call. dont talk to me. for many days i mean.
so how can i treat him well in this situation.
i am already upset due to the personal home conditions. and when he talks to me like this so i become more angry. but cant find a proper way to solve this out?

Thank you sister, I'm glad you've found that helpful. But sister, are you sure about wanting to stay married to him for the rest of your life? Your situation seems like it's on the verge of becoming more ordeal. I mean are you really certain that you can put up with his behavior for the rest of your life. I don't know maybe your husband has had some very tough experiences in his past or maybe he has fears and insecurities that's why he acts in this way but I am not justifying his actions or trying to make vindicated excuses. You have to think of future wise; you don't really know if you're husband is going to repeat the same cycle with your children and God knows maybe he'll even become more violent in his manner. I was relieved when you stated that you don't live with him (I'm sorry please forgive me- it's just hard to imagine living with someone like him24/7) so in one way it's a good thing because you can have some pain free time for yourself and please don't be upset over it, imagine if you had to live with his family and he still disrespected you in front of them it would be far worse, right?. Please don't let this get to you, you need to first of all settle down with your own self and re-evaluate how much does your relationship with him actually mean to you, and are you willing to really sacrifice your emotional (and maybe even physical) health and well being just because he might have some anger management issues, and just how much are you really willing to tolerate his behavior. Abusive relationships whether emotional or physical never get better; they always get worse and the more to stay in the relationship the more it becomes dangerous. If you're willing to continue in this relationship then don't bother on changing him, focus on yourself and improve yourself don't deprive your life of it's value just because of him and don't listen to his insults they don't define you in any way or manner. But honestly, I'd advise you to talk this out with a close relative or family member that really *cares* and pray to Allah that He may change his(your husband's) heart that he will treat in a kind and loving way--but please be true to yourself I don't want to go on into wishful thinking. If you've known him fair enough and can't give him a second chance or the benefit of doubt then please do so consider leaving once and for all. If you do decide on doing that I'd like to give you a safety tip, please do not inform him that you are planning on leaving him because he will relentlessly try to talk you out of it and you might give in and the cycle repeats itself and also please hide it until you are far away and safe I think it's statistically known as the most dangerous time of the whole issue. My last advice is love your self you deserve better than to be treated in this way ; if you don't assign your self to the respect and dignity you deserve no one will give it to you. May Allah protect you and manage your affairs in the best possible way.

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

shukran akhtee
i often fell that the situations will become more worse perhaps in future.
but i have observed a small thing. i hope you can give me advice according to this.
whenever he is with me, i mean when we are alone as we are married. but this chance comes very rare.
whenever we meet, his mood becomes automatically fresh and happy.
he always remains happy with me. bu twhen he is far away from me. then he talks happily very off and on.
he mostly talk rudely or do not tell me or answer me ever thta what problem he has.
a good thing or a bad thing i know is; he remains quiet mostly in anger.
good for me as he do not talk so much in anger so its a relief for me.
bad for me because i becomes confused that what is the actual matter with him that he is behaving like this.
i know that i cannot live without him. and he also cannot live without me. but this thing he says only when he is happy. while when he is in bad mood, it seems that he has become blind or deaf as he doesnot listen or answer me anything.
i still have hope that hafter reception, it would be easy for me to comfort him or make his mood happy.as i will be in shaa Allah with him.
but the time passes very slowly. just waiting for some problem get solved then i will be in his home in shaa Allah.
i m extremely happy that you answered to my problems in so much details. and it really proves helpful to me.
you are right akhtee, if i want to live with him then i should understand him,his problems and all things.
i will be tolerated next time in shaa Allah

 

[May Ayob]

shukran akhtee
i often fell that the situations will become more worse perhaps in future.
but i have observed a small thing. i hope you can give me advice according to this.
whenever he is with me, i mean when we are alone as we are married. but this chance comes very rare.
whenever we meet, his mood becomes automatically fresh and happy.
he always remains happy with me. bu twhen he is far away from me. then he talks happily very off and on.
he mostly talk rudely or do not tell me or answer me ever thta what problem he has.
a good thing or a bad thing i know is; he remains quiet mostly in anger.
good for me as he do not talk so much in anger so its a relief for me.
bad for me because i becomes confused that what is the actual matter with him that he is behaving like this.
i know that i cannot live without him. and he also cannot live without me. but this thing he says only when he is happy. while when he is in bad mood, it seems that he has become blind or deaf as he doesnot listen or answer me anything.
i still have hope that hafter reception, it would be easy for me to comfort him or make his mood happy.as i will be in shaa Allah with him.
but the time passes very slowly. just waiting for some problem get solved then i will be in his home in shaa Allah.
i m extremely happy that you answered to my problems in so much details. and it really proves helpful to me.
you are right akhtee, if i want to live with him then i should understand him,his problems and all things.
i will be tolerated next time in shaa Allah

I'm sorry ukhti I deeply apologize for being so late in replying back to you. Let's see where I stopped;well it certainly is a good thing that he is comfortable around you and that he's happy when he's with you that means he probably doesn't have anything that he holds against you so maybe there's a misunderstanding or something that gives him a bad mood. Just work on keep those happy moment last longer and Insha'Allah everything will work out good and also if he asks for sometime alone or that he needs it leave him until his mood gets better. It's also a very good thing that he controls his reactions around you when he's angry that's something that very good right there and don't get upset about it this is normal it's a fact of life when we're sad or frustrated we need some time to unwind and get back to our normal state so please don't take it to heart and also express your thoughts this is important sister, Anything and everything you wrote down right here-- all that-- you should share it with him because it concerns him the most. About the bad mood thing; think about it this way- when you're in a bad mood how do you act in front of your family and close friends? possibly the same way? maybe, if so just accept it the way it is. Life is full of challenges and set backs and not so happy days this is natural one just has to accept what's happened and move on and still strive to have a positive and happy outlook on life regardless of the given situation. God willing everything will be good just continue to pray and I'm very grateful that you're happy it makes me really glad to know that. May Allah bless you and your marriage sis.