Is hating my father and men wrong?

[Egoist]

AOA,

I don't know where to start and where to end. I am filled with so much poison and hatred that I really think I am going to end up destroying anyone who is unfortunate enough to marry me and my children.

My father is a man who's tongue is full of poison. He is a weird man with weird sense of ego. All his life he has never let me feel as if I was a girl who needed to be protected and dependent on others. I have so much trouble letting someone help me or even believe that someone should help me. I have this strange sense of independence where I become aggressove tp the point of being destructive when someone says something to me.
He abuses using his word, he has no respect for my mother or even us. I remember the times he used to use words for my sister and mother that no man should ever utter for any woman much less for their wife and children. I still get panic as soon as I hear arguing or his raised voice. I have nightmares of him advancing towards me in an agressive manner. Although I have never had much of a confrontation with him I dont know why I still have nightmare about it.
Allah has made men superior. Our protector. But the only reason he is superior to us is because he earns money. He has never been a father to me in any other way. If I were to be harrassed (which I was) or someone wronged me I know I can never go to my father for help. My mother learnt driving when we were young since than if we ever needed anything we always asked my mom, if we needed to go somewhere we always asked mom. His existence only exists when he is either shouting/abusing our mother or when he asked us to do a chore.
So in the end they are men just because they earn? Is that the reason for why they feel superior to us woman? When they tell us what to wear, what to do, where to go I hate it I get hyper I lose my mind even if it is a man other than my dad. Who are they to tell me anything when I'm the one taking care of my self? Its just money right? The only reason Im pursuing engineering is so that I can earn and once I do im so afraid of what I will become. In the end I am just an extension of my father. I will never be able to become a devoted wife to my husband. I dont want to get married I have been planning to run away once I start earning so no one could force me.

I see my friends, I see my cousin, They aren't like me? why are they so sure that they will be okay in the future? why do they not worry about not being able to earn money and daydream about being getting married to a good man? I see myself running and fighting with my husband because in my mind he is the same as my father. I know i will only be happy if I lived alone and working. Away from this place. But as a Muslim girl this isnt an acceptable answer for me.

I dont know why I am writing this. I can only pray Allah either take me far from here or brings peace to my mind. But Im also worried Allah will not like me hating my father but what do i do? How do I change it? How do i change anything???

 

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,
It sounds that you are disappointed.Despair is sin. so believe in Allah .
Quran, 39:10).

There is great reward only for those among us who are patient with the Decree of their Lord. In this world, we face many difficulties or trials and sufferings but we have to be patient because Allah Almighty loves those who did Patience (Sabr) in a difficult time.
So you should be patient.
But it is wrong to hate your father and other men .see your fingers,are they all equal? No, they are not .then how all men are equal . It is kind of a judging. You shouldn't. Read the surah luqman ayat 14 . Where he is suggesting his son.
We enjoined upon man to be dutiful to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning lasted two years. (We, therefore, enjoined upon him): “Give thanks to Me and to your parents. To Me is your ultimate return.

 

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,
He also said. And We emphasized to the man about his parents, his mother kept him in the womb suffering from weakness after weakness and his milk is weaned in two years.
It is narrated from Hazrat Abdul-Din Masoudini as-Sunnah that he said: I asked the Holy Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, which deed is most pleasing to Allah. You said to perform the prayer on time. I asked, then which one? You said
Treating parents well" I said again
What process? He said to fight in the way of Allah Ta'ala.
(Bukhari and Peace)
On the authority of Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr bin As, may Allah be pleased with him, he says. A person appeared in Bargah Nabawi and
I ask that I perform migration and Jihad on your hand and seek reward from Allah. you
He said: Are any of your parents alive? He said yes, but both are alive. You said, "So you should seek reward from Allah Ta'ala?" He said yes, the Holy Prophet said. Return to your parents and treat them well.
It is narrated from Hazrat Abu Huraira (RA) that a person came to the Messenger of Allah and said: O Messenger of Allah
Who is more deserving of my good company? He said, "Your mother, ask who then?" You said your father »
It is narrated on the authority of Hazrat Abdullah bin Amr bin As, may Allah be pleased with him, that the Holy Prophet, may God bless him and grant him peace, said. These are the major sins. Associating partners with Allah Ta'ala. Disobeying parents, killing one's self and swearing falsely.
Narrated Abu Huraira: The Prophet said, "Beware of suspicion (about others), as suspicion is the falsest talk, and do not spy upon each other, and do not listen to the evil talk of the people about others' affairs, and do not have enmity with one another, but be brothers.
These all are from book Riyad Al saliheen .
These Hadith are from .sahih Al bukhari.

 

[A.R.BRahimbaksh]

Assalam walikum warahmatullah e wa barakhatuhu,
It seems that you want freedom but you know you are running away from them .you are running from yourself. You are running from reality. In my opinion, if a father wants to kill me ,cut my throat but I believe that it will be the best moments for myself. I will accept it happily. even I won't ask . instead of father brother and husband can be like mahram . because I know what are they doing is best for me and when they are doing this without any purpose I will accept itas well .
The name of father is enough.you are strong ( I can feel from your thread).who know why? because you have father whatever he is . But you are protected.
You think that you are not but actually you are . Give 5 minutes to yourself and think about it .ask the one who doesn't have father's .
The Allah only teach us about love .hate is man made . Everyone can be controlled by love . Ok , of your father says anything Infront of you the try not to speak .with love make him realized the presence of your family.one day he will regret . You are controlled by your mind. Freedom is only for brain . Freedom is mentally not physically. Because your mind is saying as you already mentioned ,
I see my friends, I see my cousin, They aren't like me? why are they so sure that they will be okay in the future? why do they not worry about not being able to earn money and daydream about being getting married to a good man? I see myself running and fighting with my husband because in my mind he is the same as my father. I know i will only be happy if I lived alone and working. Away from this place. But as a Muslim girl this isnt an acceptable answer for me.. here see what you are mind thinking when it doesn't care about others matter then it mena it is free .but you are thinking about why? . It is depending , that person have this thing so I should have .try to ignore it .if really you want to be free so don't let your brain to control you . You are the different person, different lifestyle, different wishes and different purpose. So why are you thinking about those .you know now you are focusing on your future. but have you ever thought that if your father is nice to you and you loved him very much he is the great person then for example just imagine then you are still focusing on your future like you are doing now . I will give you the answer no you aren't. Try to give chance to yourself don't think what you don't have, think about what you have .
Try to make a connection between you and the Allah . Be a friend of Allah . You will get peace and freedom from your nightmare. It is your test sister ..
Try not to be soft .if it hurts you. If you are hurt from my words so I apologize ,please forgive me,I am sorry .
Jazaki Allah khairen.

 

[xboxisdead]

AOA,

I don't know where to start and where to end. I am filled with so much poison and hatred that I really think I am going to end up destroying anyone who is unfortunate enough to marry me and my children.

My father is a man who's tongue is full of poison. He is a weird man with weird sense of ego. All his life he has never let me feel as if I was a girl who needed to be protected and dependent on others. I have so much trouble letting someone help me or even believe that someone should help me. I have this strange sense of independence where I become aggressove tp the point of being destructive when someone says something to me.
He abuses using his word, he has no respect for my mother or even us. I remember the times he used to use words for my sister and mother that no man should ever utter for any woman much less for their wife and children. I still get panic as soon as I hear arguing or his raised voice. I have nightmares of him advancing towards me in an agressive manner. Although I have never had much of a confrontation with him I dont know why I still have nightmare about it.
Allah has made men superior. Our protector. But the only reason he is superior to us is because he earns money. He has never been a father to me in any other way. If I were to be harrassed (which I was) or someone wronged me I know I can never go to my father for help. My mother learnt driving when we were young since than if we ever needed anything we always asked my mom, if we needed to go somewhere we always asked mom. His existence only exists when he is either shouting/abusing our mother or when he asked us to do a chore.
So in the end they are men just because they earn? Is that the reason for why they feel superior to us woman? When they tell us what to wear, what to do, where to go I hate it I get hyper I lose my mind even if it is a man other than my dad. Who are they to tell me anything when I'm the one taking care of my self? Its just money right? The only reason Im pursuing engineering is so that I can earn and once I do im so afraid of what I will become. In the end I am just an extension of my father. I will never be able to become a devoted wife to my husband. I dont want to get married I have been planning to run away once I start earning so no one could force me.

I see my friends, I see my cousin, They aren't like me? why are they so sure that they will be okay in the future? why do they not worry about not being able to earn money and daydream about being getting married to a good man? I see myself running and fighting with my husband because in my mind he is the same as my father. I know i will only be happy if I lived alone and working. Away from this place. But as a Muslim girl this isnt an acceptable answer for me.

I dont know why I am writing this. I can only pray Allah either take me far from here or brings peace to my mind. But Im also worried Allah will not like me hating my father but what do i do? How do I change it? How do i change anything???

Becareful when you say men. If you say men in general terms that you may actually include the prophets as well, then you have left the fold of Islam and became a disbeliever. You have to becareful when you generalize men not to include the prophets. If you want nothing to do with men who are alive now and cannot stand them which does not include the prophets (of course), then it is your choice and your body and your life. You can do whatever you like. Even if you decide you will never want to get married that is fine, it is your life. You are free to do what you like with your life. You don't have to love your parents but it doesn't mean you are execused to be rude to them or mistreat them. You still have to be kind to them and treat them with respect and listen to them. As for your father's mistreatment to you, be patient. He is the one who is committing sins and putting himself to hellfire, not you. Just be patient.

 

[anatolian]

Most of the problems women have in their marriage come from their hatred towards their fathers. They reflect the hatred they have against their fathers to their husbands. You should be aware of this and not it happen if you want a happy marriage.

 

[xboxisdead]

Most of the problems women have in their marriage come from their hatred towards their fathers. They reflect the hatred they have against their fathers to their husbands. You should be aware of this and not it happen if you want a happy marriage.

I am never getting married so that is a mood point to me. Most of women who are having marriage problem who turned the lives of their husband's world upside-down and made their husbands cry from pain are sinful and will be accountable in the day of judgement. Their excuse infront of their creator that they have daddy issue will not fly. Gender card, weaker sex, daddy issue, man world, patriachair society, toxic masculinity, endless terminology and reasons all will be denied and not justified at the day of judgment. If you are one of these girls with daddy issues and going to harm your future husband because of this excuse, please by all means, don't get married in the first place. Another thing most women do is cutting ties between father and child after divorce, you may think you have won in this world, but for sure you have lost in the afterlife. Just reminder if you are going to be one of these people. My only main concern really at the beginning of the title and in her sentence, is generalizing by saying "men" when it comes negative connitation. This could include the prophets without knowing it, in fact, by the statement of the sentence by default it does include the prophets. The prophets are after all: men. They have all the biological functionality of a man. Even the reproductive part. He is after all a "he" or a man. So when you wish to (I aint stopping you for bashing men) to bash men, please exclude the prophets and his companions or any man that may leave you the fold of Islam, in your sentence(s) of male bashing. At least, all you will get is me demanding from you in the day of judgement your good deeds for acussing me of something I have not done, only because I am male. Me and perhaps billions of other men out there (in the day of judgement) who are included in your male bashing would demand your good deeds for attacking them, when they have nothing to do with you or know you, other than blaming them for simply been male. Otherwise, you will include the prophets and that will put you into hellfire forever.

 

[Imraan]

AOA,

I don't know where to start and where to end. I am filled with so much poison and hatred that I really think I am going to end up destroying anyone who is unfortunate enough to marry me and my children.

My father is a man who's tongue is full of poison. He is a weird man with weird sense of ego. All his life he has never let me feel as if I was a girl who needed to be protected and dependent on others. I have so much trouble letting someone help me or even believe that someone should help me. I have this strange sense of independence where I become aggressove tp the point of being destructive when someone says something to me.
He abuses using his word, he has no respect for my mother or even us. I remember the times he used to use words for my sister and mother that no man should ever utter for any woman much less for their wife and children. I still get panic as soon as I hear arguing or his raised voice. I have nightmares of him advancing towards me in an agressive manner. Although I have never had much of a confrontation with him I dont know why I still have nightmare about it.
Allah has made men superior. Our protector. But the only reason he is superior to us is because he earns money. He has never been a father to me in any other way. If I were to be harrassed (which I was) or someone wronged me I know I can never go to my father for help. My mother learnt driving when we were young since than if we ever needed anything we always asked my mom, if we needed to go somewhere we always asked mom. His existence only exists when he is either shouting/abusing our mother or when he asked us to do a chore.
So in the end they are men just because they earn? Is that the reason for why they feel superior to us woman? When they tell us what to wear, what to do, where to go I hate it I get hyper I lose my mind even if it is a man other than my dad. Who are they to tell me anything when I'm the one taking care of my self? Its just money right? The only reason Im pursuing engineering is so that I can earn and once I do im so afraid of what I will become. In the end I am just an extension of my father. I will never be able to become a devoted wife to my husband. I dont want to get married I have been planning to run away once I start earning so no one could force me.

I see my friends, I see my cousin, They aren't like me? why are they so sure that they will be okay in the future? why do they not worry about not being able to earn money and daydream about being getting married to a good man? I see myself running and fighting with my husband because in my mind he is the same as my father. I know i will only be happy if I lived alone and working. Away from this place. But as a Muslim girl this isnt an acceptable answer for me.

I dont know why I am writing this. I can only pray Allah either take me far from here or brings peace to my mind. But Im also worried Allah will not like me hating my father but what do i do? How do I change it? How do i change anything???

Assalam Walaikum sister

gender stereotyping like this is wrong sister

many people have had issues with parents, whether it be their dad, their mom or even their in laws. You should meet my ex mother in law and her daughter, my ex wife.... Asthagfirullah..... ive had a car set on fire, house windows smashed 5 times, seperated from my daughter for 4 and half years now, ive been taken from my home by police officer teken to the police station into custody on five occasions, exceeding total 40 hours and then had brief interviews regarding false allegations based on fabricated evidence that has been used both in the police setting and in the family court just to prolong seperation from my daughter. This has been a major set back for me and i am on the verge of losing my mind... I dont blame the gender, I blame the specific people who are oppressing and persecuting me and my family with their violent campaign to keep me seperated from my daughter...

life is hard, yes family members can make life difficult for you, who said life was easy, compared to now you may have had some era's or instances where life was joyful or you were happy...

just bear patience and be the best version of a person you can be.
they say turbulent times do not last and that it will pass at some point.

with marriage,
My marriage from day one has had more downs than ups, i feel like im in a nightmare,

read my journey..

i still do not give up looking for marriage because i dont want to paint everyone with the same brush, ive met some really nice people both men and women through studying, work etc, throughout my life, muslim and non muslim, they wouldnt hurt a fly, in fact they'd go out their way to benefit you in some way or assist you in making your life easy. Theyve had a good upbringing or theyve managed to develop themselves so well to benefit humanity..

we dont have a choice in our circumstances im afraid but it is down to our own efforts as well as those around us (im sure you can identify some people that are willing to help you) to exercsie restraint, patience and to try to do the right thing. Always getting a second opinion (that is rational too) always helps satsify our understanding that yes doing 'this' or following 'this approach would be better for me?'

Remember there are genuine people with 'hearts made of gold' out there, don't put them down, it's not fair.

May Allah swt guide us all and keep us steadfast on righteousness, truth and taqwa at all times for our spiritual and physical well being, in this dunya and our akhirah..

 

[Labayk]

So in the end they are men just because they earn? Is that the reason for why they feel superior to us woman? When they tell us what to wear, what to do, where to go I hate it I get hyper I lose my mind even if it is a man other than my dad. Who are they to tell me anything when I'm the one taking care of my self? Its just money right? The only reason Im pursuing engineering is so that I can earn and once I do im so afraid of what I will become. In the end I am just an extension of my father. I will never be able to become a devoted wife to my husband. I dont want to get married I have been planning to run away once I start earning so no one could force me.

Sister, you are on a path of deprivation. Abstaining from being a pious, devoted wife will hurt, more than anyone else, yourself. You need a man in your life sooner or later. You need a man who will watch your back and look out you, who will take care of you. But in order to have that, such a man, also will have needs. He will have the need to be respected and followed.

An engineering degree isn't going to help with loneliness which if you can endure for now, will get worse with time.

You are the one who will decide whom to marry and whom to not marry. One of the best advices I can give is to make istikharah always when contemplating a suitor. But devote yourself to the man whom you choose. What's wrong with obeying a man who cares about you and has your best interests at heart?

It is not fair or sensible to blame all of mankind for the behavior of your father. Like what was said earlier, the Prophets were men and the best of creation so look for a man who tries his level best to follow them. He will still have faults but there will be good in him.

In the end, this anti-marriage, anti-man stance of yours is going to hurt you the most and if you ever do get married, it will hurt your marriage and if kids ever come into the scene, they will be harmed too.

May Allah Grant you a good husband and make you a good wife

 

[xboxisdead]

Sister, you are on a path of deprivation. Abstaining from being a pious, devoted wife will hurt, more than anyone else, yourself. You need a man in your life sooner or later. You need a man who will watch your back and look out you, who will take care of you. But in order to have that, such a man, also will have needs. He will have the need to be respected and followed.

An engineering degree isn't going to help with loneliness which if you can endure for now, will get worse with time.

You are the one who will decide whom to marry and whom to not marry. One of the best advices I can give is to make istikharah always when contemplating a suitor. But devote yourself to the man whom you choose. What's wrong with obeying a man who cares about you and has your best interests at heart?

It is not fair or sensible to blame all of mankind for the behavior of your father. Like what was said earlier, the Prophets were men and the best of creation so look for a man who tries his level best to follow them. He will still have faults but there will be good in him.

In the end, this anti-marriage, anti-man stance of yours is going to hurt you the most and if you ever do get married, it will hurt your marriage and if kids ever come into the scene, they will be harmed too.

May Allah Grant you a good husband and make you a good wife

Well, I always say if women want to be independent I am not stopping them. However, the only definition of independent women who don't need men must meet these creteria:

1) Never, ever, ever, ever have any relationship with a man the rest of your life. Never look for love, intemacy, relationship with a man, laugh with a man, or do any form of intemacy or relationship with a man...even if it is zina. You will live in a world where men don't exist and you are sorrounded in a world of female only for the rest of your life. Because..if you have to deal with men in business and work under him..then you need him for his money...that goes against not needing men. So you must follow this 100% in order to fit the definition of not needing men.

2) You work, study, get a degree, find job, earn income in an all female enivornment. Having a male teacher teaching you means you need him to teach you and he is a man..so you end up needing men. We cannot have that if you don't want to live in a world of men..then you have to live in a world of female. An all female society. TVs all female, radios all female, school all female, house all female, work all female, doctors all female. Here you have proven you don't need men..then you no longer have to be under a man's control..because you are not living in a paitraich society....you are living a maitraich society instead. A society ruled by female for female only.

3) Now that you work by yourself, study by yourself, earn incoming by yourself...you have proven without shadow of a doubt, in an all female society, you don't need men. Now comes for sexual pleasure. Women have needs though. You go lesbian. Not need men for sexual gradification only means you have to be lesbian.

4) Procreation. Now time to make babies. You cannot use sperm from the sperm bank because it comes from a man. You have to make babies with other women. Maybe, if you check with a female scientist who can turn the egg of a woman into a functioning sperm...then you can have babies with other women? Bare in mind...if it is successful, sperm from women are all X chromosomes. Women cannot produce Y chromosome. Y chromosome can only come from a man. So here all your babies will be 100% girls...you cannot have boys at all if you make babies with other women. But..if you want to live in a world without men..this is not a problem for you.

So in conlcusion, you work, study, earn income in your own, and have sexual relationship with women and birth only baby girls from other women and live in a society run by women for women and only women, where women build buildings, build weapons, find cure for diseases, hunt, fight in battle and carry heavy objects, is the only way I believe in my heart without shadow of a doubt that the OP don't need men and be liberated from men.

While this may sound utopia for lots of ladies out there to live in a world run by women for women and only women, the most violent mental and physical as well as sexual abuse comes from lesbian relationship. Not even gay relationship (men with men), but actually women with women. If the OP or any anti-male, feminist women want to live in that "utopian" world....please....be my guest. However, I have heard lots of stories of daughters stab, murder and torture their mothers. I don't think just because your baby is of the same sex it is paradise for you. Just saying.

Assuming you are happy in this world I mentioned about and live it, you are still going to hell..........so really.........

 

[KumaShuba]

Salam, this is based a lot on opinion so take some things with a grain of salt.

Try to study religion and know your rights. The prophet Muhammed (SAW) treated his wives and daughters justly and kindly. He is meant to be ideal for Muslims whether they're a man or a woman, and we should all try to follow his example. While men are considered superior and protectors over women, they must use that power wisely and not use it as an excuse to treat women abusively. You can call out your father for when he treats you unjustly, even put some distance between you and him if it affects you. How you do that without severing ties, since that's prohibited, will take some time to figure out.

It can be difficult to stand him for when he has hurt you for years, but you might have to develop some resilience towards him. Probably try to see where he's coming from. He may have grew up in a similar situation where he was the one who had to deal with the harshness. This isn't meant to excuse his behavior, but it puts what he does into perspective and so you may feel some ease with understanding.

Try to also work on yourself and take steps in becoming the future self you want to be. Be aware about your behavior and reflect on your actions, try to develop healthy habits and be vigilant of Allah and see if he would be happy with whatever decision you make.

As for marriage and motherhood, you, hopefully, still have time to figure that out. This is something that I worry about as well, and I feel the decision you want to take is completely acceptable. However, that does mean you sacrifice the reward of being a mother and sacrifice finding good company, yet you have to be capable of being emotionally ready to deal with the tasks of marriage. It's important that you also try to develop a healthy view of men as well, as there are bad men and good men.

Most importantly, pray to Allah to help you through this struggle and try to hold onto Islam no matter what. Inshallah, you'll be able to pull through and get through this.

 

[xboxisdead]

Salam, this is based a lot on opinion so take some things with a grain of salt.

Try to study religion and know your rights. The prophet Muhammed (SAW) treated his wives and daughters justly and kindly. He is meant to be ideal for Muslims whether they're a man or a woman, and we should all try to follow his example. While men are considered superior and protectors over women, they must use that power wisely and not use it as an excuse to treat women abusively. You can call out your father for when he treats you unjustly, even put some distance between you and him if it affects you. How you do that without severing ties, since that's prohibited, will take some time to figure out.

It can be difficult to stand him for when he has hurt you for years, but you might have to develop some resilience towards him. Probably try to see where he's coming from. He may have grew up in a similar situation where he was the one who had to deal with the harshness. This isn't meant to excuse his behavior, but it puts what he does into perspective and so you may feel some ease with understanding.

Try to also work on yourself and take steps in becoming the future self you want to be. Be aware about your behavior and reflect on your actions, try to develop healthy habits and be vigilant of Allah and see if he would be happy with whatever decision you make.

As for marriage and motherhood, you, hopefully, still have time to figure that out. This is something that I worry about as well, and I feel the decision you want to take is completely acceptable. However, that does mean you sacrifice the reward of being a mother and sacrifice finding good company, yet you have to be capable of being emotionally ready to deal with the tasks of marriage. It's important that you also try to develop a healthy view of men as well, as there are bad men and good men.

Most importantly, pray to Allah to help you through this struggle and try to hold onto Islam no matter what. Inshallah, you'll be able to pull through and get through this.

Excuse me, did you mean "However, that does mean..." or "However, that doesn't mean..."? I am confused.

 

[KumaShuba]

Excuse me, did you mean "However, that does mean..." or "However, that doesn't mean..."? I am confused.

"However that does mean". I wanted to say that even if it feels like living alone is the best option, you do lose the reward of being a mother or marriage. That can feel pressuring however so I tried to give reasons for why it would be okay to put it off if a person prefers staying single. Does that clarify my comment?

 

[xboxisdead]

"However that does mean". I wanted to say that even if it feels like living alone is the best option, you do lose the reward of being a mother or marriage. That can feel pressuring however so I tried to give reasons for why it would be okay to put it off if a person prefers staying single. Does that clarify my comment?

Yes, thank you so much. It is all clear now :statisfie