Is my destination hell?

[anonymous]

I’m so screwed I just can’t seem to be able to have a moment of compatibility with my mother. There is never a time where I can say when my mom and I have an agreement. We always ALWAYS disagree on things, and she drives me so crazy it is absolutely unbelievable. I’m a guy who has cried a few times in the past 2-3 years, and that seems to have dried my eyes as I find it hard to shed tears anymore. But when I hear the ahadeeth of respecting parents, I can’t tell you what I go through inside. It’s like I know I’m going to be in hell for eternity only for not being able to get along with my mom.

It is so frustrating. No matter how hard I try, my mom always manages to get me angry. She’s a very skeptic person and criticizes anything and everything. I try telling and asking her to look at things differently, but it never works. Rather, she starts cursing and saying that I’m a disobedient child and will be treated by my children likewise. I have a daughter and I don’t ever want to have a relationship with her similar to what I have with my mom. I admit that I go over the top at times as well, but my mom’s repeated negative behavior leaves me hopeless. I’m not happy in this world because of it and I know in the hereafter, the punishments that await those who disobey and hurt their parents. I am really scared, I want to cry but I can’t.

My wife is my soul mate Alhamdulillah and she’s the only one who can calm me down and is indeed the coolness of my eyes, but my mom hates her. There have been a couple of occasions where she back answered, and on one of those occasions it wasn’t even back answering but just defending herself from a false claim and my mom repeatedly uses it to start cursing my wife. Because of this, I’ve sent my wife to live with her parents. It’s been months since she’s been living there and my rapport with my mom just doesn’t seem to get any better. There are moments where we sit and talk like civilized people, but it is only a matter of seconds until she does something that drives me nuts.

I pray for patience, I pray that I have a good rapport with my parents. My mom scolds, insults, and curses me over the most trivial matters, matters that don’t even concern her. I take it sometimes without saying anything but it gets out of hand on multiple occasions. I offer all 5 salah daily (I can’t say that I offer them on time though imsad), I offer nafl fasts, I have a pet cat who I treat like my own child, I recite the Qur’an with translation (can’t say that I do that as regularly as I wish I could), I try to help Muslims and non-Muslims alike all the time. Yet, the ahadeeth that speak of respect of parents speak so highly that I really wonder if even a miniscule part of those deeds can even save me from hell. I’m frustrated to the core. Is there any relief for people with parent issues in Islam? I know Islam is the perfect deen with proper rights and rules regarding everything, yet the mother part is close to impossible for me.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

Silence. When someone behaves in a manner that is strange, challenging and unruly and you don't want to aggravate things, just stay quiet. Let them say as they please. Just ignore it and move on.

You wouldn't be disrespecting your parents if you were to avoid argumentation by remaining silent.

 

[anonymous]

Thank you bro Alpha. You seem to be like the only compassionate member here who had at least something to say about my situation. I pray that Allah forgives all your sins and rewards you handsomely in the hereafter. ameen

It really hurts me that a forum with thousands of members (mostly Muslims) has nothing to say to help a fellow distressed brother. Well, here I am again with the same old story that my relationship with my mother hasn't improved at all. I wasn't home for 4 days, I came today, and today itself there was another quarrel between us. I'm sick and tired. Sometimes, I get hateful thoughts about my mom, but realize it soon that it is mostly waswaas because when I'm alone and I think about it, I really love my mom but we are two sides of a coin. We're just connected, we have nothing in common.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

I’m so screwed I just can’t seem to be able to have a moment of compatibility with my mother. There is never a time where I can say when my mom and I have an agreement. We always ALWAYS disagree on things, and she drives me so crazy it is absolutely unbelievable. I’m a guy who has cried a few times in the past 2-3 years, and that seems to have dried my eyes as I find it hard to shed tears anymore. But when I hear the ahadeeth of respecting parents, I can’t tell you what I go through inside. It’s like I know I’m going to be in hell for eternity only for not being able to get along with my mom.

It is so frustrating. No matter how hard I try, my mom always manages to get me angry. She’s a very skeptic person and criticizes anything and everything. I try telling and asking her to look at things differently, but it never works. Rather, she starts cursing and saying that I’m a disobedient child and will be treated by my children likewise. I have a daughter and I don’t ever want to have a relationship with her similar to what I have with my mom. I admit that I go over the top at times as well, but my mom’s repeated negative behavior leaves me hopeless. I’m not happy in this world because of it and I know in the hereafter, the punishments that await those who disobey and hurt their parents. I am really scared, I want to cry but I can’t.

My wife is my soul mate Alhamdulillah and she’s the only one who can calm me down and is indeed the coolness of my eyes, but my mom hates her. There have been a couple of occasions where she back answered, and on one of those occasions it wasn’t even back answering but just defending herself from a false claim and my mom repeatedly uses it to start cursing my wife. Because of this, I’ve sent my wife to live with her parents. It’s been months since she’s been living there and my rapport with my mom just doesn’t seem to get any better. There are moments where we sit and talk like civilized people, but it is only a matter of seconds until she does something that drives me nuts.

I pray for patience, I pray that I have a good rapport with my parents. My mom scolds, insults, and curses me over the most trivial matters, matters that don’t even concern her. I take it sometimes without saying anything but it gets out of hand on multiple occasions. I offer all 5 salah daily (I can’t say that I offer them on time though imsad), I offer nafl fasts, I have a pet cat who I treat like my own child, I recite the Qur’an with translation (can’t say that I do that as regularly as I wish I could), I try to help Muslims and non-Muslims alike all the time. Yet, the ahadeeth that speak of respect of parents speak so highly that I really wonder if even a miniscule part of those deeds can even save me from hell. I’m frustrated to the core. Is there any relief for people with parent issues in Islam? I know Islam is the perfect deen with proper rights and rules regarding everything, yet the mother part is close to impossible for me.

Asalaamu Alaikum, jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues and apologies for the delay in replying. Our parents have been given a high status an an honour from Allah. That means that they have many rights over us. We cannot even say "uff" to them and must respect and honour them at all times. However it is commendable that you want to change the way things are going with your mother.

Firstly may i ask what your home situation is in that who else is living with you and your mother and do you not have any other sibling she can live with as it is clear that living with your mother is also effecting your marriage. It may improve your relationship with your mother if you lived elsewhere with your wife and vistied your mother regularly. If you do not have any other siblings whe she can live with then there would be no option but to live with her.

Secondly you can improve your relationship with your mother by internalising the fact that as humans we will not always agree on certain matters nor will we look at things in the same way or perspective. We will always have a different way of looking at things and therefore we should accept the fact that other people will also look at things in a different way and have differing views, opinions and perspectives. So therefore you should be more accepting of the fact that your mother has different ways of looking at things to you nd her perspective, views and opinions does not have to conform to yours. It does not necesserily mean that she is wrong or right but the fact remains that she is entitled to her way of thinking, as well as her views and opinions. So let her think that way and let her have differing views to yours and accept that as humans we do not have to always agree with each other but at times we can agree to disagree.

So if she says something that you do not agree with then let her have that view and think to yourself that she is entitled to it and she does not have to see things in the way that you see them because everyone has different experiences in life. It may also be that she is right and you are wrong but as humans we always think our perspective is better than anothers. But we must be more accepting. So accept that whatever views, opinions and perspective your mother has and think that she is entitled to them and that you do not need to contest it or "win" an argument, debate or discussion with her. Just let her have her say, without feeling you have to refute whatever she says. By trying to refute what she says you will just trigger her off further. So it is important that you do not do this.

If she does accuse you or someone of something then just tell her in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact and then leave it at that and even walk away if you think things will or may get worse. But do not walk away rudely, just say you have to go and do something and walk away in a manner that is not rude or walking away whilst she is sdaying something. You know what triggers your mother off, so just avoid all the triggers as much as you can and if she does go off on one then do not make it worse by answering back or trying to refute whatever she says but let her have her say and just think in your mind that she is entitled to it and that you do not have to answer her back, refute her or win the argument, debate or dscussion. Think of pleasing Allah and the rewards going into your bank account of the hereafter whilst this is happening. Also think to yourself that when she is gone that you will never have the opportunity again to treat her the best and be kind to her etc and that opportunity will never come back again. Therefore we should make the best of this opportunity now whilst our parents/parent are alive. Otherwise we may regret it forever.

So ask your Mother for forgiveness for whatever wrong you have done to her in this blessed month. Then ask of Allah for forgiveness and your slate would be clean regarding your mother. After that you can make a fresh start and never answer her back, or feel you have to refute her views, opinions and perspective and if she does ever accuse you or anyone else of something then telling her in a gentle manner using wisdom and tact and then leave it at that as you can only do your best. Each time such a situation occurs then just let her have her say because she is entitled to it and think of the rewards of pleasing Allah as you are doing it for him. Also think of all the good things your mother has ever done for you. The immense hardship of having you in her stomach for 9 months and raising you as it is the hardest job in the world and our mothers may Allah bless them with the highest jannah have certainly been through a lot so the way they are now may be because of the immense hardships they faced throughout life.


Therefore let us treat our parents the best in their last days and try and please Allah and gain as much reward as possible by respecting and honouring them, treating them the best and doing as much as we can for them as helping our parents is amongst the best of deeds, therefore we have an opportunity of gaining such immense rewards for taking care of, looking after and treating our parents the best.

May llah enable us to treat our parents the best and make it a means of our high ranks in the hereafter. Ameen