Asalam alaikum. Sry for long poat in advance.
My problem is waswas or mayb sth else like my conscience about my marriage. I must tell it all from beginning.
I married sm time back. Husband is a good person i cant say sth really neagtive abt him.the problem is not him.
Many years back before i married him i did once an istikhara about him dont knw why but i actually really wanted to marry him. But then i did do istikhara and was always worried about signs which i used to see and i was st the end making dua that please Allah if thers no khair then make khair in it and let it work out. Anyway i married him now and istikhara issue was not in my mind anymore i forgot it. Then it started with doubts about validitiy of my marriage i doubted tht my father is a valid wali etc as i was readin much on internet anyway i asked many imam and alims they said it is valid even without. Anyway thts nt the topic anymore.
At the end i found istikhara issue comin back in my mind.i was feeling like i have gone against it as i just wanted to marry him. I feel so hypocrital but the fact tht i love him and cant imagine leaving him makes me so much more feeling bad. I feel always as i hv gone against Allah and prefering sth over him or loving smone more than Allah astaghfirullah. I asked an alim abt my Problem b he said tht istikhara has no signs and Allah doesnt give signs the fact tht i married is what is khair. But im just unsincere from beginning if i want to do my thing so badly. here is my problem i always say my niyah is bad and Allah will count it. Bcuz wen i tell Allah pls wht shd i do tht u forgive me i always see signs like jus readin sth and findin a sentence like talkin to me as Allah want to tell me what to do or once while walkin i was sayin ya Allah wht shd i do tht u forgive me and saying it again n again and my husband called me in tht moment. i wanna get phone frm bag and it got torn and fell.ok bag was heavy tht day. But as they say we dont receive such signs as we r not prophets but i used to see my reaction towards tht signs i used to get panic and not able to accept it. Means like my intention is already knowing it wont follow it and i will just follow what i wish that is to stay with my husband.
Once i kept thinking till i was feeling that i was loving smone more than Allah astaghfirullah and doing shirk wen i thought this i still couldnt imagine leaving him and i feel as Allah will count that. Of course Allah is most Important and i love him the most without doubt but then why i cant just leave my husband for Allah. The scholar told me tht its waswas and i shd just ignore that and do my duties towards my husband and that is what Allah likes etc but i just feel as all these rules are not applicable on me as im doing a much bigger sin that preferin smone over Allah astaghfirullah which has to b corrected. I feel Allah will only forgive me once i leave him and leave what i made more important.
I always get tht voice in my head, U jus want to stay with him cuz u caNt leave him .u love him more astaghfirulah otherwise u wud hv been able to do tht step the moment wen u blved all n don see any way out. U still continued nt bcuz your sure that u think wrong but jus bcuz u want him. Why wud Allah forgive u makin sth more important than him. Thatsy im scared Allah will count that intention that i just cant leave him.
I know that Allah is most merciful and forgives all sins but when i want to ask forgivness i just dont know i feel so bad and wrong and hypocritical as in i would say Allah pls forgive me that i want to stay with my husband even if it means to go against you and prefering him in other words ...you will ask why i think i go against Allah and that Allah want me to leave him...its just as i said that the reactions i get wen getting signs i shd leave him. n niyah
I feel all duas are not sincere cause in the back of my head i just want to find a way to stay with my husband.
You know its like i have made a condition in my mind as long i wish to stay with my husband i am going against Allah and im prefering someone over him astaghfirullah. Many will think why i think this who told me that.but its due to my inner self and niyah why i think so. Cause i dont want to leave my husband and wish so much to stay with him, it means i wont b forgiven. Its like i wont leave him anyway and i ask you and others just to hear that i can stay with him etc. To follow my desires..Allah wants us to b pure and sincere. It proofs it that when i get a sign i asked for what to do and a sign comes to make me feel i must leave him, and then i dont want and panic and cant imagine and accept it, i try to think no its nt possible etc but thats exactly y i feel unsincere and bad niyah which Allah will count. Cause even now all i want is to stay with him. I dont know how to stop feel this sin on me and guilt feeling. I do love Allah most but i feel in back of mind just wishing to stay with husband and finding ways.like thts my only concern n thtsy Allah will count this sin of prefering someone bcause i think tht n feel tht but why not doing this step then. like i must leave xactly what im afraid of loosing bcuz of fear and sincerity towards Allah.
You might say forget these signs they rnt true or from Allah..ok mayb thts right but wont Allah count what we intend and think. Cause its like i jus wanted to c gud signs not thinkin wht will happen if i see sth telling me leave him. cuz wen tht happend u c how i reacted. Why would Allah forgive me jus like that if i still wanna b with my husband. I dont know how to become sincere and correct. And Wen i did istikhara long time before i was also i think nt sincere.u do it but in back of ur mind u will do anything to marry him.i used to think ok if it wont work out bcuz it will b not possible then its frm Allah i will have to accept i cant do anything and i will accept the fate.like if man suddenly dont want to marry me anymore or sth. But problem is i thought also if i get sm negativ signs or so i wont stop i will continue i ll pray to Allah to let it work still.. isnt it unsincere to have tht intention? Thtsy smtimes i think to get sincere and get Allahs forgiveness of going against Allahs signs or i must leave that first of all what i made more important. You will say now but u married and thts it now thts what Allah wanted. But wht about my intention i had and still have? Isnt it tht wht counts? Cause its like at the end i got what i want even though my niyah is bad..tht seems smhow wrong i dont know like a betrayal like saying oh now marriage took place i hv an excuse for my unsincerity cuz its bad to divorce..and another waswas or issue which comes to my mind is tht maybe my marriage isnt at all correct and valid. i read its haram and hypocrisy to follow easy opinions of islam or so.. i read it on islamqa .even though i asked many about it and scholars who all said my marriage is totally valid..but i know that ther is someone out there or some scholar who would surely say the contrary with what he follows as i read some fatwas. it means i follow what is easy and i hv a bad intention ? And im a hypocrit and thtsy its not a accepted marriage? And on top i only want to blv its valid bcuz of these other wasawis i got..cuz the hope here is tht Allah wanted this marriage which wud b refuted then..
Jazak Allah
Assalamualykum.
Sister,
Your post is very disturbing as you say "you asked many scholars and they all say your marriage is valid, but you sure someone will say something contrary" it's almost as if you looking for an excuse to end your marriage. Be that as it may, kindly understand the following :
The purpose of istikhara is to ask Allah to put goodness in your decision and if it's not good for your deen, dunya and aakhirah. Allah should remove it from your path. The fact that the nikaah took place is an indication that is was meant to happen and there is goodness in it. Reflecting on the translation and words of istikhara will give you a clear understanding of what I've explained.
Kindly ignore all other doubts as they are , as you said , whispers from the devil.
When overcome by these thoughts recite
أعوذ بالله من الشيطان الرجيم
لا حول و لا قوة إلا بالله
Do remember that Nabee صلي الله عليه و سلم has cursed the women who unnecessarily asks for a divorce and also the throne of Allah shakes when a divorce takes place.
My advice is, at all costs maintain your marriage and don't allow for the whispers of the devil to come between you.
May Allah protect all of our marriages.AAMEEN
