Just a rock- plz comment

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

(edit)

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[Shadow]

wow that was good mashAllah

If your children died
You would tear up the whole world
Think of the way the parents feel
When they aren’t able to say a word

that is sad indeed...

 

[Far7an]

Assalamu alaikum

Mashaa'Allah, I think you should split it up, into several different poems. E.g. the following could be poems on it's own...

Children cry
And it is seen
As a virtuous innocence
Life to them
Is only an existence
The basis of their palms
Is to wipe away their tears
And the creation of their feet
Is to run away from their fears
And they value their mind
Of coarse we all do
Yet when they use it to hide from reality
Reality is their side-view
We are living to greaten our vanity
With each other’s skin to chew

That is just one example, If you read through it, im sure you'll notice more.

Overall, It is good, it is hard to keep the flow going in long poems, and you maneged to do that, Mashaa'Allah
​

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

thank u sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for both of ur comments
i swear i was just about to like die! im soo nervous lol
thanx for ur suggestions too
jazakum Allah khair!

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[Halima]

MashAllah great poem.. please post moreeace:

 

[F.Y.]

If some people could fly
We’d rip off wings

This hit me hard - it is so true. Its every man for himself these days - when we have what we want, no, we want more.

Absolutely loved your poem sister. Especially the part Far7an quoted above - it is beautifully expressed. I agree it could be a poem on its own.
Your poem includes many abstract words - which is a good thing - they can have multiple meanings and really mean the person has to feel what you are saying. I can tell this poem came from the heart.

The earth is splitting in half
But we are blind to see
Were just standing there with a laugh
Saying, “What will be, will be”

This is plain genius - brilliant! I love the rhythm, the way it kind of 'bounces', and the fact that it also rhymes. Man, I love that part!

Keep up the good work - it is excellent. Post some more poems - I'd love to read them.
Many times whenwe post a poem, its kind of hard when people post up comments like 'mashallah' and thats about all. I reckon there should be some sort of feedback structure we should have to follow when critiquing poems. At least then we would know what mkaes our poems good, or not so good.

Anyway, happy writing sister.
Peace.

 

[Sanobar]

salam!
mashaAllah sis that was very nice one...! u wrote it urself...? dats a lot more better ...
ma'salamah

 

[*charisma*]

Assalamu Alaikum

thanx soo much for all ur comments,
jazakum allah khair! this will definately help me with my writing skillz in the future inshallah

Many times whenwe post a poem, its kind of hard when people post up comments like 'mashallah' and thats about all. I reckon there should be some sort of feedback structure we should have to follow when critiquing poems. At least then we would know what mkaes our poems good, or not so good.

exactly, it will definately help any writer , and u were all great critics

fi aman Allah
w'salaam

 

[akulion]

salam alaikum

masha'Allah sister - very talented and heart touching poetry!

May Allah reward you for it ameen