Re: Letting go of the past
I have asked her. She get really upset that I asked and startes biting her nails or just remains quite. Then she says I love you. I asked her what she feels when she sees the guy and she says she sees him like she sees a friend. She thinks back to what they had and she laughs because she says it wasn't real love but child love. After that she said that if I ever bring it up again she isn't sure what she would do.
I believe that she loves me but what bothers me is that when she is upset she never tells me why. I guess it is natural for someone to still have feelings for someone else but I don't want to marry someone who isn't sure they want to marry me.
The problem is I am not sure if I am sure anymore. I can't stop thinking about her feelings and what happened. I am trying to figure out how I should settle this. I could just leave her but I do love her and don't want to do that. But if I bring it up again than she may leave me. And even if I do bring it up again I am not sure it would clear my thoughts.
Is it haram to dwell on such things? Is it wrong to end a marriage because of this?
I understand how you feel bro. It's as if she is yours but not really yours. That can be a painful thing to fight through. I also think that as a woman, I should give you my perspective in this situation. Of course this may not be how all women feel but at least you can begin to understand some of 'us' a little more as I'm sure lots of sisters would agree with what I'm going to say. It'd be great if other sisters can add their thoughts too.
Frankly, all normal women yearn to be loved. And when I say 'loved', I mean she wants to be made to feel that she is the only one who matters most to that person. If she loses that person after they have made her feel like that, she will find it difficult to move on and compare anyone who comes into her life to that person ( perhaps some men do the same?). If they don't match up, she will hanker after that feeling that she had felt previously which will remind her of that person constantly. BUT! If she finds herself with someone who will love her and make her
feel equally loved, if not more, she can and will forget the love she lost and let herself be totally consumed by what she has at present. How the new person in her life makes her feel is up to them and their understanding of women and the affairs of their hearts.
I'm going to be extra nice (lol) and give you a few tips. :-[
1. A woman doesn't like her husband staring at other women. No matter how much love you show her, if she sees you doing this, she will feel she isn't good enough and that you find other women attractive. Of course you do, but she doesn't have to know that does she?
2. A woman never tires of being shown she is loved. If she, for a while feels your love is diminishing, or there is a change in your normal behavior towards her, all hell breaks loose in her head. Negative thoughts creep in and she begins wondering if you are losing interest in her. I'm aware that there are times a person just isn't feeling very expressive for many reasons, but that's the time to then share whatever is bothering you and adding something like you are happy to have her in your life. These few words will be of great comfort to her if she has begun to feel unloved. And will remind her that your relationship is solid.
3. The worst thing.. and I stress, the worst thing to do is hold back feelings of love. Some men hold back from expressing themselves in their words and actions as they think the woman will get spoilt and take advantage of their being so nice to her. I remember my ex husband telling me that the reason he didn't cook was in case I totally stopped doing the cooking as a result of it. I found it sad that he thought me to be like this, especially as I'd still stand in the kitchen to help him anyway. To me it felt as if he is holding back from giving himself to me totally. If you love someone, you want to do things for them and should do things for them without considering it might make them take you for granted.
4. A woman likes to be asked how she is and how her day was. If she is tired/sick, she likes to be asked if she'd like a cuppa (or whatever) and if she has had any food/medication etc. She wants you to take genuine (not formal) interest in her as a person who matters to you. If she is ill and you go out, ask her how she is as soon as you get back and ask her if she has eaten.. if she hasn't offer to cook or get a take-away. Don't 'forget' she is not feeling great. And believe me, she may not say it but it will hurt her if you don't do these things. This is what she expects from you.
(And yes, I am feeling rather silly saying all this, but I'm telling myself it's all for a good cause.) lol
5. Love and respect, are her main emotional needs (and women
are emotional beings). If you fulfill these things, she can cope with just about every thing else that may be lacking (for instance money). And I am so certain that provided you do not neglect these two aspects of togetherness, she will wholeheartedly be yours forever. She will feel fulfilled and complete. If you give yourself to her fully, there will be no place left in her heart for anyone else. No matter how much someone had loved her before, your passionate and all consuming love will wipe away all memories (like formatting her heart and installing a new version of love) to make her heart beat with love for you alone.
It's gotten painfully embarrassing to continue now lol! I hope what I've said has given you a little insight into a woman's heart. You can search your own heart to see if you have it in you to love her like that. I also hope I wasn't wrong in saying that in mose cases, this is how women are.
*hopes for some input from other sisters* please.. :-[
