Letting go off the past

[Ummu Sufyaan]

Is it haram to dwell on such things? Is it wrong to end a marriage because of this?

im not sure, but akhee i get your tension and all, but seriously if you're married, DO NOT push it. the more she tells you/the more you ask, the more you want to know, until it'll be so much for you, you'll be hurt... it would have been half the problem if you were still engaged, but your married now, so try to rectiy the problem and not increase it. you asking her these questions just might make feel more tense about her past...
im not saying what she is doing is right, but as i said you're married so be extra careful how you deal with it.

dont work on trying to make her forget him, its like when you impose your self on someone, they become more stubborn...that's what women are like as well the more you force and be stern, the more she'll react in the opposite way...etc

so to sort this problem out, take a different root...try to charm her or whatever, i.e concentrate on her ...spoil her, buy her gifts, etc...women are fueled on emotions and feelings so she may soften to that and be totally flattened or whatever and it'll make her forget her past, get me...

also, if it did a point where you leave her, your just going to marry someone else whilst your still in love with the first. in that case, are you being any better then her...after all if you were to marry again, you'll still be emotionally attached to her, right?

EDIT: i just reread your first post...are you married to her or not?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

In the religion, yes we are married. Legally in either her country or mine we are not. But the religion is what matters so yes we are married though we have never consumated the marriage.

Yesterday we had a talk. I asked her what all her emotions ment, specifically if she loved this other guy and what did she feel about me. She said the other guy was a childhood friend. She started to feel something for him last year. He asked for her hand but her parents didn't like the way he lived his life. They asked him to come back in a few months to see if he had changed. During this time he started to call her and because she liked him she wanted to help him change so her parents would agree. They kept in touch over the phone. That is where I come in.

When I came to ask for her hand in marriage the parents liked me and agreed to let me speak with their daughter. When she heard about this she called the other guy to come and ask for her again. Her father said no as he still didn't like the guy. He and her mother told her to give me a chance. She agreed and we sat and talked.

I didn't know any of this had happened. I only knew that I asked for her hand and she agreed to talk so I wasn't aware of what was going on in the background.

Anyway, after talking, her parents asked her what she thought. She said "Do what ever you want and left the house". The parents later told me yes she agreed. When she heard they told me yes she started to cry. (These two pieces of information are what hurt me most and what I can't let go off. The fact that after sitting with me she told her parent to do whatever they want as if she didn't care and that she cried after hearing they said yes.)

After getting to know me she says that she fell in love with me and know can't see her life with anyone else. She does not have any feelings for the other guy she just loves me. She made that very clear yesterday that she loves me completely which I do believe.

Then she said something that I do kind of agree with. She said the reason I can't let this go is because I had this dream that everything would be perfect. That I have this image in my head of how I was going to fall in love and get married. The fact that it didn't happen the way I saw it is what is bothering me. That I am letting how we started our lives together cloud my vision for what we have now. She said, "If you really love me than you would forget what has happened and look back at how we met as a great day not a day of saddness". I asked her how she recalls how we met. She says that god brought me into her life and she is happy. She was foolish before and laughs at her self now of how childish she was. She truly loves me and will stand by me forever.

Honestly, I am lucky to be with her. Anyother woman in the world would have left me by now. My insecurties are threating to end something that I now can be great. And there lies the problem. For some reason I can't seem to let go of what happened. I can't seem to look back on that day the way she does. Whenever I think about it, see pictures of our engagement party, or someone asks how we met I get upset because I now know the true story of what happened.

After all that, and for anyone that is still with me thanks, I am trying to figure out what to do.

I could stay with her knowing what a great woman she is and hope that my insecurities and our past won't ruin the marriage or I could end it now and save us the trouble and the potential for a failed marriage. I don't know what to do.

Thanks for reading this. This is my only place to vent as my family is no help.

 

[Snowflake]

^mashaAllah.. everything seems to be looking positive except yourself. Is it worth losing a good present and future for a bad past? We know the answer to that one eh, lol! Enjoy what you have now bro. Allah is the Guider of hearts. Seek help from Him to rid you of negative emotions. You must have 100% faith in the power of prayer. It works for me when I do, alhumdulillah. Keep venting though if u need bro. We're here to listen inshaAllah.

 

[Tony]

children are dying and fighting in wars they cannot comprehend, that is something you dont get over. with respect you are judging when you have no right to judge, snap out of it and realise that Allah has blessed you both, if you cant do this then be a man and stop torturing the girl for something that is between her and Allah. Love her or set her free bro. Peace

 

[chacha_jalebi]

as salaam alaykum brootherlingsss

what happened in the past leave it there, come on your married dont let it ruin the future now, its like you was swingin on a swing and whilst swingin on that swing, you fell off and broke your head or summin, then you went back on that swing and broke summin else, and then there was new swings, which ones would you use the old ones which you kept breakin a bone on, or the new ones, ofcourse the new ones so thats how you gotta think of it, think about the future with your wife, concentrate on that, because the past, is gone, you cant change it or go back there, so why dwell on it

just remember always go forwards in life not backward

 

[Intisar]

Honestly, I am lucky to be with her. Anyother woman in the world would have left me by now. My insecurties are threating to end something that I now can be great. And there lies the problem. For some reason I can't seem to let go of what happened. I can't seem to look back on that day the way she does. Whenever I think about it, see pictures of our engagement party, or someone asks how we met I get upset because I now know the true story of what happened.

Always remember that it was by the qadr of Allaah, and just say alhamdulilah that you ended up with who you wanted to. Maybe it's your ego that's getting to you as well. Perhaps deep down inside, your ego, you wanted to be the first and for no one else to be in the picture before or after and now that you know the truth it's as if your ego is telling you to keep pushing on the subject with her in order to feel good. It makes her uncomfortable to talk about it, so don't push the subject inshaAllaah and be as mindful and attentive to her feelings as you can be.

I could stay with her knowing what a great woman she is and hope that my insecurities and our past won't ruin the marriage or I could end it now and save us the trouble and the potential for a failed marriage. I don't know what to do.

See, it's your ego that's making you feel so insecure. Don't feel that way as she hasn't left you and she's told you (though on occasion) that she does truly love you. Maybe she is going through something? Don't make it out to be about you, because truly it isn't, it's mostly about her and who she was with before and how she ended up with you. You cannot change that, it was by the will of Allaah swt and predestined for the both of you.

Don't dwell on the past as this will not help your marriage, so be mindful of her feelings and not just yours. I'm not trying to make you look like you're selfish - don't get me wrong - but to not let your ego get the best of you. You wanted to be her first, you weren't, now you are and she loves you. Say alhamdulilah and look towards the future and work on the present.

 

[Muhaba]

I think that being apart is badly affecting the both of you. also, since the other guy lives next door to her and tries to contact her, this may revive her buried feelings for him. so the solution to this problem is you two getting married and living together. please don't dwell problem on this and don't break up with her as this will hurt her more. She's alreadly lost one love and if she loses another, it will hurt her a lot and will badly affect her future. (ALso, you mentioned engagement party pictures, did your wife look happy in them? think of how she seemed during the party. Was she happy or sad? that will tell you how she felt about getting engaged to you.)

people get divorced and then remarry. their second spouse are aware that they loved someone before them, but that doesn't mean the second spouse should not give them a chance or brood over their past marriage.