LI Writing Contest 2012: Feedback/Comments

The last 3 stories are very well written, ephemeral paradise, unity and longevity, i think it will be a close one.
 
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Unity it was :exhausted

I can't even explain why. At the end it was between that and The monster that snores. I still feel like going back and changing my vote :unsure:
 
I voted Monster. Wanna be sure that at the next morning all my socks and mittens are not missing (read: eaten).

;D
 
As I read the last story I was sure it was the one I would vote for. It was so well written and I liked the plot too. But the gruesome ending was too upsetting. I didn't like it. I hate stories that end that way. It might be better, if, when he realizes the truth about the device (or his dependency on it) that he might go for help. ormaybe someone, like his neighbor, could come to his rescue. the story has potential but needs some work imo. I'm unsure if some genre accepts endings like that becuase i don't read this type of stories. so, depending on the genre, the author could leave the story this way or change it. but it doesn't get my vote.

I'll comment on the other stories at another time. I'm 99% sure which story i'm going to vote for but i'll be rereading some in-sha-Allah before i actually vote.
 
After reading the first paragraph of Monsters, I was promptly reminded of this:

Joker-1.jpg


Then I realized this wasn't actually a scary story of personal demons :\
 
The tramp I liked it perfectly described how she felt and everything. It seemed very real. I could easily imagine it. Maybe me think how people in world have different lifestyles and how unexpected things could happen suddenly.

A monster that snores it was sweet and childish but as someone here said earlier more could be added to it.

Searching for Allah’s love It was a emotional one but it really made me think how the company of one righteous person can bring you back to the right path.

Longevity It showed us how human mind is it always keeps disturbing you. How a sudden turn of events might change your whole life. You never know how you will react in such situations.

Ephemeral Paradise It was the reality of Life. It takes so much time to understand when a little desire can turn in to something you never imagined. How it becomes too late till you realize.


Unity Though I wasn't that good at reading the unity. I don't know but I just was unable to imagine everything properly. Maybe it was because I have a low power of imagination.

We have really wonderful writers here. I learned a lot form all the stories. All of them were well-written. It was a really difficult to choose. Although I am not a writer myself I read a lot of stories and I could guess which members have written them. :D
 
I voted for longevity because of it's complexity...it makes you think. Unity was a classical war micro-novel and i think it might be the writers best subject/genre. The last story, however sad it maybe, seems as if though it is not complete.The main character, after he escapes from the hospital, never manages to have the operation done - it doesn't say anywhere in the story that the operation took place?

Anyways, it's been an interesting story contest with beautiful entries masha'Allah
 
WRITER said:
As I read the last story I was sure it was the one I would vote for. It was so well written and I liked the plot too. But the gruesome ending was too upsetting. I didn't like it. I hate stories that end that way. It might be better, if, when he realizes the truth about the device (or his dependency on it) that he might go for help. ormaybe someone, like his neighbor, could come to his rescue. the story has potential but needs some work imo. I'm unsure if some genre accepts endings like that becuase i don't read this type of stories. so, depending on the genre, the author could leave the story this way or change it. but it doesn't get my vote.

I'll comment on the other stories at another time. I'm 99% sure which story i'm going to vote for but i'll be rereading some in-sha-Allah before i actually vote.
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I hope I can just comment.. I have read stories, where they have such endings and to me they are 'fitting' endings, if that makes sense. Just very real unfortunately, not sure if that makes sense, but the ending fit with the rest of the story. However, as Cabdullahi pointed out, it didn't elaborate on when/where the operation took place. The story does have potential though, it's one of those that makes you think. Not just because of it's futuristic George Orwell style, but because it makes you relate it to society around you, the different things people get 'in' to, regardless of how harmful they may be. Does that make sense?
Again, it was a very tough choice this year..
 
coming soon, in-sha-Allah.
 
Mashallah, it's great to see such creativity this year, and to see that it has lasted from our first contest five years ago. Inshallah it will continue into the future :)
 
Muezzin said:
Mashallah, it's great to see such creativity this year, and to see that it has lasted from our first contest five years ago. Inshallah it will continue into the future :)
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The unity here is evident..everyone is sharing their thoughts on the stories,,masha'Allah
 
Cabdullahi said:
The unity here is evident..everyone is sharing their thoughts on the stories,,masha'Allah
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I hope it's not merely an Ephemeral Paradise, so fleeting, but rather that it has sufficient Longevity to entertain and inform members who are Searching For Allah's Love into the future. All are welcome to write and read, from the lowliest member of society, The Tramp, to the loftiest. We don't even care if you're A Monster That Snores. Write, read and enjoy.
 
:salamext:

Masha'Allaah, Jazakallaahu khayran to all the participants for their great entries.

I'm not sure I've done justice in voting because I simply went for the one whose theme/storyline appealed to me the most, rather than use proper criteria like quality of writing and so on. Maybe some guidelines on choosing the best story can be suggested next time?

I know that the writers were eager for some feedback, so I've written some brief comments for each. I hope it is useful and constructive Insha'Allaah.


The Tramp

The story was well-written and easy to follow. It had good descriptions and detail in places to make it more real.

I was expecting the ending to give more of a message – such as regret over not helping when the opportunity was there, a change in attitudes towards the homeless, gratefulness for one’s own blessings etc. We do see this change in the main character as the story goes on, but it seems to end inconclusively (although the last sentence was a nice one to finish on).

Another thing is that the main character is always referred to in the third person. I’m not sure if this is intentional and it may have its own advantage, but it does take a while to work out she is Jay’s mother. Perhaps you could consider giving her more of a background and identity to add more depth to the story.


A monster that snores

A nice light-hearted story. There isn’t much to add to the previous comments, which suggested making it longer and into more of a story.


Searching for Allah’s love

I chose this one because of the underlying theme and messages. It illustrated the need to have religious friends and how good friends can support each other. I liked the way the reader is encouraged to turn to the Qur’an and always seek to please Allaah (swt).

As suggested by others, you could experiment with other ways of narrating the story to captivate the reader a bit more. More characters and events could be added to make it more interesting.


Unity

I was impressed with the terminology and dialogue used in this story as it added a very realistic feel to the nature of the story and its characters. It was very well-written and did a good job of narrating complex scenes.

I wasn’t sure what the title is referring to, and I feel I’ve missed something about Bear. There seems to be a focus on him at the end but I didn’t understand some of the references, such as how Alex reminded him that life is worth saving. Maybe I just didn’t understand some earlier parts.


Longevity

Quite a unique story line. It was very well-written with some interesting sentences like, ‘and each one of the boy’s movements brought a memory of Nurmeen, and each memory brought a smile’, which help us feel Syed's pain in a very real and moving way. I also liked, ‘A man’s eyes closed, frantic. A boy’s eyes opened, glassy.’

I wasn’t too sure about the flashbacks from the past – it is an interesting idea but I found them hard to follow/understand and maybe a bit distracting. Having said that, it was a clever way of adding a much deeper side to the story that overlaps with present events, and which decides how the story is to end.


Ephemeral Paradise

As glo said, it’s interesting how this story explores quite deeply human desires and addiction, as this is something that has many parallels in today’s society. I was expecting something different at the ending, such as Isaac seeking a way out of the mess he was in or some reflection on where things went wrong. The introduction of the new neighbour in the story indicated she might play more of a role - perhaps to help Isaac out of his problem. But perhaps the main message being delivered is simply that addiction and craving for more can have disastrous consequences, and that fleeting pleasure is not the solution.

Be careful with tenses - I think sometimes the present and past tense were confused.
 
you should start writing a story abt a candy land for nxt yrs competition good luck.
 
Unity also didn't get my vote. I felt it was more like a script for a play/movie than a story because it seemed like the charactrs were not wel-rounded characters. The writer may want to add some characterization by first getting to know his characters, their past/histories, desires and wishes, fears etc. Although these things will not all be included in the story, but the characters will seem more human than cardboard copies. Also, i read somewhere that the main character should change somehow in the story, either internally or externally. In this story, I couldn't even tell who the main character was. i think all characters were equal.

There are many great books about characterization that every aspiring writer should study, especially writer-digest books on the craft of writing.

another thing is that in a story all scenes shouldn't consist of conflict, that is all scenes shouldn't have the same pace. Some should be fast-paced while others should be slow-paced. Some should contain action while others dialogue or internal dialogue, backstory, etc. in this story, maybe they can have a setback and go back to replan and think, etc. where the pacing is slower and some characterization is shown.

So I think this story needs some work.
 
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