LI Writing Contest 2012: Feedback/Comments

:sl:

I, finally, completed reading all the stories. Feel too bad for being this late, and also thankful to Cabdullahi for making me aware about this contest. I read all the stories, and enjoyed all of them mashaAllah. Each of them were very different from one another, and that is why sometimes the contrast made it too difficult to do justice in picking just one among them.

Here's what I thought about each of the entries:

The Tramp
I liked the story, but I really think it should have been much longer, and a lot of time should have been dedicated in portraying the development of trust between Jay and John. A long portion was invested in the inhibitions Jay's mom had about the tramp whereas very little attention was given to display how Jay chose to trust John. It was a quick read, and did not necessarily need a blunt end. The regret of Jay's mom could motivate her to stop judging people by their looks, and ever being open to helping those in need. Grammatically, this was very well written.

The Monster that Snores
I was really looking forward to this one when I read the title, but was disheartened by the length of it. Due to its length, it appeared more like an article or a news piece than an actual tale. I'd recommend the writer to post a more extensive story next time so that we get read more from him/her. Well written, but the length disappoints you. I did notice grammatical (mostly punctuation) errors as well.

Searching for Allah's Love
This was the best story for me. I really liked it, and was enjoying reading every bit of it. It was nice to see an Islamic story in the competition, and it did bring back memories of friends who I lost due to similar conditions. The direction of it was also very admirable as nothing seemed rushed, and every part of the story was given due time to make its own statement. The negatives of this story were that it failed in novelty. We have heard this same story with different characters a lot of times before where a friend is lost due to circumstances beyond one's control. There were plenty of grammar mistakes as well - again most of them were related to punctuation. The presentation could have been a lot better as well - I mean spacing between paragraphs. Overall, I really liked this story, but it didn't have the innovation others had. Finally, the message behind was beautiful, of course.

Unity
To begin with, I really feel that combat scenes are hard to execute for even the most gifted writers. I feel even Stephen King has a hard time creating action sequences, because there are so many things that have to be described, and it gets difficult to visualize so much at the same time. Thus, I feel the writer started wrong by going for the action genre. It is just too tough. In addition to that the short dialogues of the SWAT guys isn't something that I like. There wasn't a story either, it was more of a crime scene. A lot of questions were left unanswered from the beginning like who was Taggart, what were his crimes, what was the history behind Bear and his criminal father. There was a background to the story, and thus the entire thing looked more like a scene because we weren't completely aware of that background. I liked the storytelling. The grammar was good as well mashaAllah, but overall I felt the story was falling short on many occasions, because of the above reasons.

Longevity
Nice story. The element of surprise was a first in the contest. The magical creature's intentions couldn't be doubted until he actually started showing his true colors. The story was very different from what we had seen in the contest so far. I liked the way it had a twist, and it gets you hooked. The flow was very smooth as well. There weren't many grammatical errors either. Overall, I liked it, but it didn't beat my favorite so far in the competition.

Ephemeral Pleasure
I have read novels like Ephemeral Pleasures before, its a different thing that I didn't complete any of them. ;D This was a complete story. They weren't many loose ends or loop holes as enough information had been provided about each fragment. The narration was excellent, and it was quite realistic. We all have one kind of addiction or the other, and its tight grasp over us does overpower us in ways we can't even understand. The story had a good start, and a sad and regrettable end. I'd say the entire formatting was done very well for this one. The grammar was near perfect as well. I can't say I enjoyed it, because the story was sad, but was very intriguing.

I hope I didn't hurt any authors' feelings by my words. I saw that everyone was posting quite sweet and positive reviews so I thought I should add a tinge of spice to my reviews.
 
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JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!
 
Cabdullahi said:
JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!
Click to expand...

JazakAllah Khair for reminding me about them, dear brother. Plus, all the time while I was reading Unity, I kept thinking that 100% it has been written by you, but I saw that you compared it to Kill Zone, that cleared it up. Unity reminded me of Modern Combat, combat games both of them nevertheless.
 
:salamext:

Peace be upon you all

WOW.

Just WOW.

Masha'Allaah, what talent is encompassed within the stories!!! You, authors, should be delighted with your works, absolutely amazing. A much deserved pat on the back y'all should give yourselves.

Now, I'm never good at giving feedback or constructive criticism, for me it's whether the author grabs my attention at the beginning and I go straight to the end and see if it's a good'un. That's just me. Anyhoo, here are my thoughts:

The Tramp:

This story touched me, it really did, nevertheless, it was a good read. I became upset near the end, and just thought what a horrible way for John and Bungee to die, but then that does happen in real life too. I like chocolate drops too.

The Monster that Snores:

This story made me laugh, very light and chirpy. Yep, chirpy. I'm glad Snorry gets rid of Mr Sandman sometimes, as deep, dreamless sleeps are needed once in a while and the fact Snorry is 150 years old, wow. To be that old and never get fed up of eating socks, what a legend.

Searching for Allah's love:

Very nice story. I adore the message within. Also, what is Aisha's favourite dish that mummy cooks??? I was waiting for it, but nope, no mention of the favourite dish. Also, Aisha and Khadija were awarded only house points for their 3D project about the life cycle of a butterfly?! Where are the gold stars?! The injustice.

Unity:

This story was good, fast-paced and action-packed. It reminded of quite a couple of action scenes that I've seen in some films. My mouth literally dropped open at the revelation of Bear's relationship to Nebojsa, that's how engrossed I became in the story. And I like the ending too, the fact that they were all still alive. Phew!

Longevity:

This story was great, the fact that I knew what was going in the world (in the taxi, with Syed, Janus, the cat and little Tom) and the flashbacks too (as they linked in with what was happening) was cool. My heart went out to Syed and Nurmeen (Nice name, never heard of it till reading the story). I was so glad when Tom ran off without hesitation and Syed had the foresight of braking and delayed the evil Janus's magic upon little Tom. Out with the old, in with the new. Indeed. Personally, I prefer out with the new and in with the old.

Ephemeral Paradise:

Awesome story. Very detailed and in-depth. I felt sorry for Isaac and he didn't do any favours for himself with the Cere-Euphor, how easily people become engrossed. Lots of meanings within the story that I found to be quite intriguing. Hmmm... This story has got me thinking. I like the complexity of the story. Very descriptive.

So there y'all go, my thoughts. I wanted to choose them all!!! But I can't so I chose one. Obviously

Once again, you, authors, made superb stories and I enjoyed reading them immensely. Fantastic reads, truly.

Keep it up y'all.
 
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The Tramp is a nice story with a nice message but isn't too well- written. It is more like a back story than an actual story.

Also, it is possible that the author used the wrong POV character. it might have been better to use the voice of Jay to tell the story rather than his mothers.

The beginning is also confusing. i saw that the main character was referred to with "she" so was confused about who Jay was. Might be better to wrte "her son, Jay..." from the start so the relationship will be clear and we'll know that she isn't Jay.

Although a good story and nicely written but it needs some work (so it didn't get my vote either). It might be better to rewrite the story from scratch. that is something that works for me. Sometimes during the first draft, I'm figuring out the story so might not write it so well. If I write the second draft from scratch (without looking at the original) the second draft is better. Not that i use this method often but it has worked whenever i did use it.

I hope i read more from this writer since the writer has talent.
 
Cabdullahi said:
JazakAllah khair brother Ali for reading the stories....we need more people to read them insha'Allah, and 'WRITER' should stop beating around the bush and just vote!

read and vote!
Click to expand...

Patiense brother, i'm getting to it. there aren't too many days left anyway.
 
Snorry didn't get my vote. It's not really a story imo but ideas for many small tales for little children. Snorry might be a great story series idea and the author should definately work on it. I can see it being made into a children's story book that parents read to their preschool children: Stories of Snorry and Mr. Sandman.
 
:salamext:

Peace upon you all

Do we find out the names of the authors who've been entered into the competition after it has been concluded? Or can we know who they are now?
 
I think it is duty of br Yanal to publish names of writers when voting is over...
 
^ Oooohhhhh. OK

I really want to know. They all created excellent pieces of work!

Ah, well. Only a couple more days till the ultimate winner is announced and the runners-up.
 
I liked Searching for Allah's love. I myself love writing children's books and so enjoyed reading this story. This could be a story for children in the 4th or 5th grade, judging from the writing. And I liked the storyline and message that the story gave. However, although the storyline is good, the writing needs a lot of work.

The writer shifts between present and past tense, something that is looked down on in the writing world. There are also run-on sentences (sentences separated with a comma that should be made into separate sentences or combined to make compound or complex sentences). for example the sentence: Suddenly while I was in the middle of my imagination, someone hit my arm lightly bringing me back to my sense, I smiled seeing it was my friend nudging me to pay attention before I get caught by the teacher.


Another thing is that most of the beginning is told in summary form when it should be told in story form, with action and dialogue. "Show. don't tell" is advice that is applicable here. Also, the verb "to be" (is/was) is regarded a weak verb and should be replaced with stronger verbs.

for example, instead of writing "I started the talks..." let the character speak through dialogue (direct quotation). instead of writing Khadija told me what she had in mind and I loved it. We decided to give our poster a 3D effect which was Khadija’s idea. it's better to write something like "How about we give the poster a 3D effect," Khadija suggested. "Wow, that's an awesome idea," I said. etc.

So the story idea is good and can be turned into a longer work for young Muslim children. But it needs a lot of work. It needs to be fleshed out instead of being a summary. And the grammatical errors needs to be fixed too.

I hope the author works on it and gives us the revised version. I'm sure it'll be good as the writer has talent. writing children's stories is considered very difficult so if the writer can do it that means she/he has lots of talent.
 
And last but not least, Longivety was a well-written story with a good storyline. There were a few confusing parts (such as the very end, where I had to read it several times to know what was happening, who was choking the life out of whom, etc. Other than that, it was very well-written and an original. I especially liked the way Syed and Nurmeen's backstory was interspersed throughout the story. Longevity was an enjoyable read.

My vote was based on two factors: a good plot and good writing and Longevity had both, although I must admit it was hard to make the choice between "Searching for Allah's Love" and Longevity. Even till the end i wondered, should i vote for this one or that? But finally my decision was made based on these two factors, the story having both got my vote.

congratulations to all the writers. you all did a great job. And i hope to read more work from you and other talented IB writers. I think we have lots of them but they're all in hiding.
 
Assalam o alaikum

So at last read the stories and voted for 'Unity' last night. i had to decide between ephemeral paradise and Unity and chose Unity because it had 'Action' and 'crime', 'Action' is my type of reading (and watching)..:p

All the stories this year were nice and worth reading

THE TRAMP
Story with a message. nice read.
How some people live, leave and die but life goes on

A monster that snores
interesting little piece of writing. Gave me thought of the monster who lives inside us, inside every human being just like the one that lives under author's bed, eats his/her things and don't want the place to be cleaned. but we cant let our own monster do this...

SEARCHING FOR ALLAH'S LOVE
i really liked this story and how it defines to love Allah to get his love.
Love for the sake of Allah is only the true love and the relation which leads us to the love of Allah.
the story also touched me because of her friends name Khadija.

UNITY
story that got my vote although i wasn't able to find unity between the story and its topic:hiding: but as i said it was my type of reading fast moving, fighting, struggle against the criminals of society and humanity. liked the way it defined the scenes and specially the part where bear fights his own father..

LONGEVITY
read twice, complicated style of writing. past and present together hard to follow. Still made me think.

EPHEMERAL PARADISE

fantastic story about ephemeral paradise each one of us is trapped in.. our never ending desires and how far we go to fulfill them and at last it ends in nothing.
poor Isaac but i don't feel sorry for him. it was his own choice..
 
ALL THE STORIES WERE BORING! :/ COME ON! I wanna read stories about zombies, aliens and fights! WHERE'S THE HORROR? :-(
 
I enjoyed reading these stories - each one had some strong points. The two that stood out most to me were Searching for Allah's Love and Ephemeral Paradise. The latter was very well written and inventive. However, in the end I voted for Searching for Allah's Love. From a technical point of view it wasn't as well written, but I thought the message was really strong, positive and uplifting and it was well structured. The last part in particular was very well executed. I think the author of this story should look at the advice given by WRITER in this thread to improve even more.
 

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