Life is a struggle!

[anonymous]

My dear brothers and sisters I hope you are in the best of health and imaan. Ameen.

Life is particularly difficult for me and my family especially my dad. My mum is not the best mum and she isn't the best wife.

It's hard to write about such a topic. I mean I'm talking about my mum in a bad way. I'll try my best to explain my problems.

My dad has always been the best dad and has been so good to my mum. My mum on the other has made my dad's life a misery. She constantly swears at him, at his family and his parents. Why? I don't know! She is weird.

She has no Islam in her. My dad tells her everytime but she don't listen. My dad went Hajj recently Alhumdulillah and she accused him of going just to show off.

My dad has never raised a hand at her. I feel sorry for my dad everytime. He is stressed and depressed. Alhumdulillah he has been praying 5 times a day for the last 10 years.

He has worked all his life to provide for us. My mum has never appreciated nothing. When she gets angry out of jealousy she breaks things. Things that cost a lot of money which my dad has to pay for.

Sometimes they get on but very rarely. My cousins make me angry cos they are always stirring. My dad has never said anything bad about them yet they always poke their nose in. That's my mum's side I'm talking about.

We don't see our dad's family too much because of my mum. She is constantly swearing to my dad about them so for the past 15 years we ain't been down their house. We see them sometimes at gatherings but that is once in a blue moon.

Can you imagine how hard it must be for my dad to cut his family off for my mum for no reason. She is always cursing him. I mean I wasn't even born when dad's father passed away and I was about 3 when my dad's mother passed away. My mum is always cursing them. Why does she do this?

It's not easy to talk to your parents about such issues because they are different, from a different background.

So I'm thinking of giving some advice to my dad. To divorce her. I think he is fed up anyway. He told me last time that he has been with her for this long because of us kids. We are all grown up now well not that old, younger sister is still at school.

What do you guys think?



Jazak-ALLAH

 

[anonymous]

It's all kicked off again.imsad

This time more serious.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Wa alaykum salam,

I don't know about divorce, but maybe you can tell your father to be more firm with her?

Tell him to not tolerate bull****. Sorry for the language, but it's to drive a point. Sometimes people behave like idiots and the ONLY way to make them see sense is to behave strongly so that they shut the heck up and follow your way only, cos their way is just stupid.

He has to man up and tell his wife and all her relos off completely.

 

[anonymous]

Alpha Dude - He has been doing that. We all know that he is the man of the house. Even my mum does. She is trying to get under his skin. She is evil, twisted and makes up stuff. I can't believe I'm saying that about my mum but its true.

She just said she hates us all big time and wants us out the house. This time she has totally lost the plot.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Alpha Dude - He has been doing that. We all know that he is the man of the house. Even my mum does. She is trying to get under his skin. She is evil, twisted and makes up stuff. I can't believe I'm saying that about my mum but its true.

She just said she hates us all big time and wants us out the house. This time she has totally lost the plot.

I am so sorry family life has become such a struggle, though I am not experienced in marriage and I may not give a religious point of view necessarily, in terms of relationships with parents I my self have been in positions with my parents but not in these circumstances but a close family member has problems which you've described. Personally i don't think you should be advising your father for divorce, obviously there are hidden problems which your Mother has, and i think you need to address them. Though your saying she's doing this out of "pure evil" are you totally sure? Many things that happen behind close doors.

Is there some elders in the family that can help? Try to get your father to make contact with them or if not maybe you should tell them.

 

[zakirs]

Its a very complex issue .I guess you need to talk to some imam or wise elders.Most of us are too young to advice. (about talaq)

Other than that be super nice to your father to compensate for his struggles.Pray for peace in your family.May Allah help your family to get stronger.Ameen

You can also suggest a visit to psychologist.

 

[zakirs]

Divorcing a wife because of her bad attitude
My brother-in-law had a miserable married life for last two years. his wife used to behave badly with him and the worst thing the girl used to torture /abuse her mother-in-law .
After many tormenting and disgusting discussions the boy,his mother, his father and his sister decided divorce is the only solution and he divorced. Please clarify whether the stance taken was right or not? .


Praise be to Allaah.

The basic principle concerning divorce is that it is makrooh. This is indicated by the words of Allaah (interpretation of the meaning):

“Those who take an oath not to have sexual relation with their wives must wait for four months, then if they return (change their idea in this period), verily, Allaah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

227. And if they decide upon divorce, then Allaah is All-Hearer, All-Knower”

[al-Baqarah 2:226]

With regard to the oath not to have sexual relations, Allaah says “Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful”, but with regard to divorce, He says, “All-Hearer, All-Knower”. This contains an element of warning, and this indicates that divorce is makrooh or disliked by Allaah.

But there may be some situations in which there is no alternative to divorce, and matters may reach a point where divorce becomes essential. In a situation such as that mentioned in the question, divorce is an appropriate solution, because one of the rights that a husband has over his wife is that she should respect his family, especially the husband’s mother. The mother’s rights over a man come before his wife’s rights, so the wife should help her husband to honour his mother.

The scholars (may Allaah have mercy on them) have stated that divorce is permissible in cases where it is needed because of the wife’s bad attitude and bad conduct and because she is causing too much harm and not doing what she is supposed to do.

Al-Mughni, 10/324

And Allaah knows best.

this might help ..

 

[anonymous]

I am so sorry family life has become such a struggle, though I am not experienced in marriage and I may not give a religious point of view necessarily, in terms of relationships with parents I my self have been in positions with my parents but not in these circumstances but a close family member has problems which you've described. Personally i don't think you should be advising your father for divorce, obviously there are hidden problems which your Mother has, and i think you need to address them. Though your saying she's doing this out of "pure evil" are you totally sure? Many things that happen behind close doors.

Is there some elders in the family that can help? Try to get your father to make contact with them or if not maybe you should tell them.

I'll try to tell him to contact some elders. I can't think who though. My mums elder brother is not here. I would've told him, mind you it's his wife to does a lot of the stirring.

Her other brothers are just too soft.

She seriously hates my father and his family. It's like someone has done something to her.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

Its a very complex issue .I guess you need to talk to some imam or wise elders.Most of us are too young to advice. (about talaq)

Other than that be super nice to your father to compensate for his struggles.Pray for peace in your family.May Allah help your family to get stronger.Ameen

You can also suggest a visit to psychologist.

You are right brother, on another note in terms of your Mother you should also be polite and still show respect. No good comes from being angry towards her, this may only anger her more causing more problems.

 

[anonymous]

Jzak-ALLAH heir brother Zakir and S.Chowdhury.

 

[S<Chowdhury]

I'll try to tell him to contact some elders. I can't think who though. My mums elder brother is not here. I would've told him, mind you it's his wife to does a lot of the stirring.

Her other brothers are just too soft.

She seriously hates my father and his family. It's like someone has done something to her.

What about your fathers side, what about his family, why don't you get in contact with them? I know she hates your fathers side, but i guess your father needs as much support as he can get. And like brother zakirs try your local Imam

 

[Cabdullahi]

We need a sister's perspective....they know women better than we do

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

you need to get through to your mother and advice her...she needs to hear it from someone who she will listen to...like maybe a good friend, or a sibling?
you need to deal with your cousins as well. it seems like they make a good portion of the problem...if they try stir things up, just turn around and be a smart alec...act calm cool and collected otherwise this is what they are depending on-for you/your family to act angrily (and even them they will use that against)...but if you reverse that, they will burn in their own frustration. trust me i know snakes like this, and the best way to deal with it is NOT face them with anger but with patience and wisdom.

has your dad been previously married before he married your mum? does he have kids from the previous marriage? if so, your mum would probably hate this and take it out on your dad, even if she accepted wholeheartedly to marry him.

has at any stage in their marriage your dad done something which really hurt your mum, for example, hit her (i know you said he hasn't raised a hand at her, but something to that affect none-the-less)?
is your dad of a different culture to your mum? do they both come from a different family stature? maybe she comes from a wealthy family whilst he comes from a poor one?

does your mothers family dislike your father/his family?

how long has this been going on for? if its something recent, perhaps your mother is going through some hormonal changes and as a result is getting really bad mood swings. perhaps even your mother is approaching old age?

what is her upbringing like? sometimes when people are very different, think that they are better so they turn against people...also perhaps she was raised where being a man is defined by something that your father (to her) isn't and as a result she has lost respect for him and doesn't take him seriously? of course i don't mean disrespect to either of your parents, but i'll give you an example...my mum once told me when she was growing up, "being a man" was defined by his ability to beat his wife imsad so if you couldn't beat your wife, then, if you are a man, somehow your masculinity was deficient (very very odd i know :hmm so what im getting at is the mindset of people will sometimes be a reflect on how they treat others.

how was your mum raised? amongst rude and arrogant people? amongst people who are taught to disrespect their husbands? all these things need to be taken into account when dealing with people.

the only thing i could think of is that she has hidden feelings towards something and is venting them on your dad...so there is something lurking underneath all this disrespect and ill manners.

my advice is for your dad to try reverse psychology on her. he has given her what he has given her, been good and respectful towards her, so now
tell him to act "higher" then her....not in an arrogant sense, but to act sternly. you see the way people's relationship dynamics is, is that one person is always the follower and the other is the leader...one person *unconsciously* knows that the other is "higher" then them and that the other person is always in the "lower position." this isn't something bad or intentional or even noticeable but sometime people will *unconsciously* know how and where they will fit into a relationship/group. they will know that they are more better then their counter part and as a result will become arrogant and use it against the other person...
to counter act this, what needs to be done, is that somehow the roles needs to be reversed not that your dad becomes a bully, but at-least knows how to deal with his wife and get her to respect him. the way i think this should be done, is that he ignores her for awhile and/or does something that he hasn't tried and that she isn't used to. see all this time, it is him that goes to her...it is him that listens to her...but if he ignores her, acts a little stern with her and (i dont at all usually encourage this, but desperate times call for desperate measures) threaten her....not threaten that he will divorce her or marry someone else, but something non-the-less will put her on the spot...so your dad should act completely out of character, even if it means being harsh... she may miss his attention...she may miss someone listening to her...she may miss someone "chasing her" (this whole disobedience thing maybe derived from an excessive love of oneself/ego)so she has no choice now but to go to him.