Lost two friends and I need help please!

[Aishath]

Salaam everyone,

I hope this isn't backbiting but I figured posting here would be safest since people here would be able to give me unbiased advice and I wouldn't have to worry about naming any names.

I recently lost two friends I used to be very close with (Muslims). We have been having problems for awhile and have really drifted apart so during the last few months it's just been more of a hi and bye thing on facebook. Quite recently I thought we patched things up even though I still didn't expect us to just get back to being close friends because obviously things don't just 'click' like that.

Then yesterday, out of the blue I got a text from one person saying we are no longer friends cz I backbited about them and she removed me on facebook as well. I tried to get an answer but to no avail. Today I saw the other one online and tried speaking to her and she said the same - that she has heard stuff i say about them.

I am completely at a loss as to what I might have said or done. I am worried about two things here - one that I might have said something that did hurt them without realising it (and if so, how do I then apologise to them about it when they refuse to talk to me?) and secondly, I am worried about falling into the sin of not talking to someone for more than three days in a row...

I don't want to be desperate and so I don't want to constantly bug them and beg them to talk to me or keep on apologising. I have already apologised and I have said to one of them that I have absolutely no issues at all against either of them and if I see them on the road I'm willing to talk to them if they wish to do so as well. I have tried calling them both numerous times but they won't answer. What do I do now? I don't really know what I might have said about them that has caused them to be so angry with me. ANd also, I want to remove the other one on facebook as well because it hurts me to see her online and know we can't speak to each other. Is this alright for me to do so?

Brothers and sisters, please help me. I have been friends with one of them for almost 8-9 years now and it is painful and upsetting to suddenly lose them in this way with no answers. However I want to do things in the best Islamic way possible. i have already spoken about this to too many people and I don't wish to do so anymore as it might make me fall into the sin of backbiting. Please help!

 

[Beardo]

Sometimes Allah Ta'ala takes people or things away from us when we become too dependent on them. We are all victims to this type of test, but it is not a loss. When one door closes, you should prefer to have that confidence in Allah Ta'ala that He will open a better option for you. You do not need to be religious to have faith, Ukhti. Perhaps this is a reminder and opportunity for you to put your reliance in Allah. Everyone and everything is temporary. Only Allah is eternal, so seek from the eternal treasures.

True independence is when you do not need anyone or anything to feel content. Allah is sufficient for us all.

May Allah Ta'ala guide us all to the straight path and give us understanding. Ameen, Ya Rabb!

 

[Dagless]

I don't think they are very good friends if they can't tell you what you did wrong. If you've already asked them several times and tried to call them, then just leave it. You've tried your best and their behaviour seems to be worse than any accidental back biting which you may or may not have done.

 

[Riana17]

i understand you ukhtee, I had many friends before and they are 100times worst than yours, I have one particular friend & I was really more than a family to her, I was there on delivery room, washing her dirty bloody clothes and taking care of her baby etc, but still she let go of me for no valid reason, and until this day I dont understand why she did that to me, the only thing I realized is my life is better without fake friends, once a person put you down so much, there is no turning back, she'll do that again & again

All I know is that they dont deserve you and brother Dagless made the best point and inshallah you can realize that, may Allah give you real people around.Amen

 

[Aishath]

Salaam,

Masha Allah all your replies have made me feel so much better. Perhaps this is something I can learn from as well. For instance, to do everything I possibly can to make sure I never backbite again Insha Allah. So perhaps there is a good in everything.

Do you think it's alright for me to remove the other one on facebook as well because I am seeing and reading things that are really upsetting? I thought that I'll let it be for a few months and then perhaps just see where their head is at? And ask them one final time and ask for forgiveness for anything I may have done.

It does hurt to suddenly lose people but Insha Allah in the end it is all for the best and perhaps I am to meet even better friends in the future without so much drama and issues. It does hurt, but I guess patience is required here and perhaps this is a test too like Brother Beardo mentioned.

 

[Riana17]

Salam Ukhtee
Even if you does gossiping, they could have explained to you where are they coming from

Oh I dont have FB coz its more of a danger thing for me rather than a help lol and yes good idea, keep away from things that might upset you, we are emotional and you are still attach to them so whatever they are talking about you could depress you

I know sisters who broke up just bcoz of posting walls on FB, loool so yah

Inshallah you will get a better friends over time, now be careful, when you have a friend dont share lots of secrets and dont give everything, be yourself but dont treat them like your sister or mother, friends go, family stays
and even if our family are not good, we cant run away from them

 

[Huzzy_786]

I agree with the sister above...

This is simply a misunderstanding. If you know any friends that are still friends with the other two, then ask them to you know ask them about you, and what you did to them to upset them...

Then you would know why this has 'suddenly' happened.

 

[Beardo]

Salaam,

Masha Allah all your replies have made me feel so much better. Perhaps this is something I can learn from as well. For instance, to do everything I possibly can to make sure I never backbite again Insha Allah. So perhaps there is a good in everything.

Do you think it's alright for me to remove the other one on facebook as well because I am seeing and reading things that are really upsetting? I thought that I'll let it be for a few months and then perhaps just see where their head is at? And ask them one final time and ask for forgiveness for anything I may have done.

It does hurt to suddenly lose people but Insha Allah in the end it is all for the best and perhaps I am to meet even better friends in the future without so much drama and issues. It does hurt, but I guess patience is required here and perhaps this is a test too like Brother Beardo mentioned.

I know the feeling and actually, I recently hid a lot of my friends from my news feeds. It's actually saved me a lot of time. So instead of removing them and severing ties even more, simply hide their feeds and anyone associated with them. When you're ready to mend ties, you may subscribe to them again.

True friends love each other for the sake of Allah Ta'ala and that is the strongest foundation of friendship one can ever have.

 

[Aishath]

If you know any friends that are still friends with the other two, then ask them to you know ask them about you, and what you did to them to upset them...

I have actually done this and asked a friend to call the one of the girls and yet she wouldn't explain things to that mutual friend either. So I have tried it but I don't want to keep asking more people to get involved and get in the middle of this.

So instead of removing them and severing ties even more, simply hide their feeds and anyone associated with them.

I have already hidden the one who didn't remove me. The thing is some of my closest friends are mutual friends with her but I don't want to severe ties with them. I was a bit upset tonight when we first started chatting as it just made me sad but I then said that I don't want to discuss my issues with them any further since it could lead to backbiting as well.

when you have a friend dont share lots of secrets and dont give everything, be yourself but dont treat them like your sister or mother, friends go, family stays

So true! This is something i have learnt over time and Insha Allah won't make the mistakes I have done in the past where I thought having friends meant sharing everything.

Thank you brothers and sisters. Your advice and support means a lot to me. May Allah (swt) bless you all and grant us all the best of eeman and Jannah.

 

[Beardo]

I have already hidden the one who didn't remove me. The thing is some of my closest friends are mutual friends with her but I don't want to severe ties with them. I was a bit upset tonight when we first started chatting as it just made me sad but I then said that I don't want to discuss my issues with them any further since it could lead to backbiting as well.

Don't delete anyone, in my opinion. It only creates awkwardness when you see each other or when you want to re-add them. Just keep your options open and hide all associated news feeds. Simply bear with patience, cutback time on Facebook, and re-assess your goals and visions in life.

 

[جوري]

I didn't read all the replies here so I apologize if this is a repeat.. It seems if the both of them are in cahoots that they've indeed committed the same sin they've accused you of? i.e backbite you, come up with a conclusion about you and take action thinking evil of you without giving you the benefit of the doubt.. now, are these the sort of friends whose company you'd like?

 

[ardianto]

Assalamualaikum.

When I was in secondary school I had a schoolmate in different classroom. One day I made a joke about his face. I thought that's funny until few days later when he told me "You offend me. Just like you, I have a feeling too". Then he left me without said anything.

It made me realized, I had insult him. It made me so guilty, and then I always avoid him when I saw in in the school. I didn't hate him because I know, that's my fault, and I understood if he hate me.

Few weeks later. I walked on the school yard and I saw him sat on the low wall. I tried to avoid him but he called me "hi, you !". I stopped and looked at him. He said "come here". I came to him. He asked me "Why you always avoid me?" I didn't say anything.

But suddenly he rose, smile, and hugged me. He didn't say anything, but I knew he had forgive me. It's made me very happy. And I made a promise, I will never insult anyone again.

Okay, now to the topic.

Sister, might be you had offend them without you were realize. It's normal if they're angry. But do not hate them, always regard them as your friends, and always open your heart for them. Maybe one day they want to continue a friendship with you again.

 

[Haya emaan]

assalam o alaikum

losing a friend really hurts alot specialy when we dont know why it happened but we have to accept it.. hoping may be something better waiting for us ahead..

I am completely at a loss as to what I might have said or done. I am worried about two things here - one that I might have said something that did hurt them without realising it (and if so, how do I then apologise to them about it when they refuse to talk to me?) and secondly, I am worried about falling into the sin of not talking to someone for more than three days in a row...

sister you can just try from your side.. you can not make your friends forgive you (if it was your fault) or realize that it is just a "misunderstanding". what you can do is clear your heart for them, try to explain things and ask forgiveness if its your fault (as you said you have done) and dont break ties from your side.. leave the rest in the hands of Allah.. Allah knows your niyaah. He knows that you have done your best to correct the things. dont forget He is the most grecious and merciful..

people some times behave in a way thats very abnormal to us.. we cant always blame them or their character for that.. there can be many other reasons that are responsible for it. example the "Third Person" has a great part it..

so just remember If your friends have their part in your life ever again they will come back.. and if not... its the decision of your lord.. there must be something good hidden in it...

 

[tigerkhan]

i say if they are pious and good, then dont lose them just bcz of this small thing. good friends are gift from God.

 

[syilla]

yes good friend is hard to get. as a muslims we are not suppose to unfriend anyone. so be cool...if they are good for you they will come around

 

[Aishath]

Asalaamu alaykum,

I would like to thank all of you so much for taking the time to help me. I have read each and everyone of your replies and I also feel so much better now about the situation. It hasn't resolved yet but Insha Allah, it will work itself out in the best way possible.

The feeling of losing friends is indeed hard but anything that makes one become closer to Allah (swt) through prayers and Dua' is indeed a blessing right? Insha Allah, hopefully this will be the case for me as well.

May Allah (swt) bless all of you for the time you took to help me.