Loving and caring for parents

[greenstar]

Salam

My mother passed away when i was young and since then my father has not exactly fulfilled his duties as a parent. and no matter what my and my siblings have been through with him we forgive him then he lets us down again and then we simply just end up resenting him and not feeling a thing for him we don't care as the way he does not care about us. however i feel a bit saddened by this becuase i do not want to feel this way. but my father has dissappointed and maipulated me so much that i cannot help it. I try my best to fear allah i really do regarding this matter becuase i feel i will go straight to hell and i dont want to go to hell nobody does. what can i do??????????????????????????? i know the various hadiths about respecting parents and never saying "uff" to them. Its really hard though to have a parent who is not a parent although i do praise allah for him the fact that he alive and well although he kind of isn't he suffers from depression apprently but i refuse to believe that becuase he has always been selfish and is always seeeking attention using reverse psychology he is a grown man but still cries to his mother he should be gratefull he still has one its so hard to watch your own parent do that with his parents his parents are always there for him and always will be so why cant he be there for us??????? anyways i suppose i shouldnt say stuff like that i guess allah will jugde him but i really do not know what to do i do pray for him and everything but i dnt know how to not resent him how to not love him...will i really go straight to hell???????? i mean is it really wrong to think that i don't want to love him or care for him?????? becuase sometimes i really don't sometimes he is nothing to me. please help what should i do. its pointless talking to the guy alll he does is cry literally!!!!!!!!!!! making it even more harder to care for him and feel for him becuase its all fake its all an act!!! i hate the fact that he is like this and i hate myself for thinking bad things about him and not loving him or caring for him when i know that i should...what should i do...

 

[Muhaba]

you could talk to your grandmother. maybe she can intervene. if not, then turn to other relatives for help. Also pray to Allah. Try to get your father to do zikr so he won't be stressed. Did he remarry or did he raise you and your siblings on his own? all the troubles may have made him tired and he may be suffering himself so can't see that you are suffering too. try to solve any problems your family is going through, even any problems your father may be going through, with the help of relatives. And pray to Allah to make things easier for all of you.

Insha-Allah all will be fine with time.

 

[greenstar]

Salam i appriciate your post and advice... sister do you really think this is a society where relatives care? no espcially non- practising ones they too wrapped up in their own lives when your mother passes away trust me no1 cares bar allah (ofcourse). i have tried several times talking to my grandmother but obviously that being her son she is blinded and does not see his mistakes and blames me. all she cares about is whether or not i have fed him. she can't do much anyway she is old she's sick of caring for my and my family i guess as we have no mother she worries about us finding a marriage partner. as for relatives they laugh at my and my family deep down they really dont care. im sick of everything i really do not know what to do.. all that a person can ever do is pray pray for better times and such. he did re-marry she did some black magic on my father and ruined him even more yet he cannot get away from her clutches, he still "loves" and "needs" her he has a kid with her also who is still young and needs his father. he is going to move in with her ...apprently this is wht he has told a family member he hasnt spoke to me..i am inshallah going to speak with him tomorrow. i feel a bit troubled about this tho as he will be in a different city and i really am going to lose him even tho i dnt care much for him he is no use to me or my siblings as he just makes life difficult for us..but still. we all want him to be happy. i feel so stressed and i feel liek crying my eyes out at the moment. i dont understand why though. and can someone please answer my question?

Will i really go to hell becuase i don't care much and love my father? wht does the qur'an say about parent's and their duties?

 

[CosmicPathos]

I will only say few words regarding the status of parents.

1- Allah tells us to be extremely kind (do ihsaan) on our parents in the very same verses in which He tells us about tawheed. That shows how important parents dignity is in front of Allah.

2- Abdullah bin Umar saw a yemeni man performing tawaaf around kaaba while carrying his mother on his back. this man said to abdullah bin umar `` I am like a tame camel for her! I have carried her more than she has carried me. Do you think I have paid her backÉ ` Abdullah ibn Umar replied `no, not even one contraction (contractions which occur during labor) ... al-adab al mufrid al bukhari 1 - 62.

this hadith literally made me shed tears and remind me how much ihsaan i am lacking towards parents.

 

[Insecured soul]

OK, so i will pose a question to everyone, are we supposed to obey our parents when they are talking out of shariah? what if they ask you to do which is completely against shariah?

 

[CosmicPathos]

OK, so i will pose a question to everyone, are we supposed to obey our parents when they are talking out of shariah? what if they ask you to do which is completely against shariah?

there is no obedience to parents in regards to disobedience to Allah.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Your question 'i do pray for him and everything but i dnt know how to not resent him how to not love him...will i really go straight to hell??????' cannot be answered by any of us. Regarding any sin, no person alive can say whether or not you will definitely go to hell (conversely, nor on the basis of any good deed, can anyone say you will be guaranteed jannah).

Our deeds are wholely deficient. We can never claim perfection. We've been created sinful in nature and Allah wants to see us repent (obviously, not an excuse to sin like there's no tomorrow). We seek forgiveness from Allah and his mercy and hope we will be forgiven.

As long as you are doing everything you can in your capacity to give him the respect that is due for his position as your parent, then inshaAllah there will be nothing for you to be liable for on the day on judgement. This doesn't mean you have to bend and fold at every unjust thing he may do. Stand up for the truth and justice and seek Allah's protection and guidance in such matters. As politely and respectfully as you can set the ground rules and abide by them.

 

[Alpha Dude]

i do pray for him and everything but i dnt know how to not resent him how to not love him

If a person behaves unjustly against a party, then it is only natural that this party would harbour feelings of resentment. That's how Allah has created us. For example, a father who sells his daughter to the first guy he can find for beer money is obviously not worthy of any respect and any resentment the daughter may feel is well deserving.

The bigger picture is, we want all people in this world, especially those close to us and those we have a bond of kinship with, to go to heaven and be protected from the fire of hell. Hell is something we have to avoid at all costs. The punishment is very severe. So in that regard, we have to hope and pray wholeheartedly for their guidance.

If a parent has behaved in an awkward, unjust/sinful manner your whole life but then has a sudden change of heart and feels ashamed and seeks forgiveness from you and Allah and sincerely sets about to change himself, then you should rejoice and the love would automatically arise. Otherwise, if one persists in the same detrimental mode of conduct, it is only natural that those affected by his behaviour will feel resentment.

Keep hope inshaAllah and make plenty of dua. You know in your heart that if he were to 'change' that you would fall to his feet, right? So there's your love. Try to dislike and hate the action that a person does but not the person himself.