mariage problems

[siddy]

salaam

I am wanting to seek advice please

I am 21 years old and have now been married for 2 years.

when i was 19 my parents asked me to get married. so i agreed to keep them happy, so they took me to pakistan to get married. I didnt get to see who i was going to get married to. I wasnet there at the nikah, i didnt get asked if i agreed to the wedding. All that i got asked was fom my dad that if i wanted to get married and i said yes i do, but didnt know who to.

when i knew it the nikah had been performed. i got to see who i was married to 3 days after. when i saw her i felt numbness all over my body, but i didnt say anything.

next day i started crying to my dad, saying that you have ruined my life and i dont like who i am married to, my dad got upset and he said get married again.

My mum found out and she started crying, saying to my dad that i am going to ruin whats left of her life (my mums life).

i got very sad seeing my mum cry so i did not bring this subject up again.

I am married to my fathers neice

I have tried to make the marriage work for m y parents sake, but its not working out, i beleive we are not compatiable. i dont speak to her.

My father passed away 2 months ago, and if i bring this situation up again it will make things worse. My so called wife has said to me on a numurous occasians give me a divorce and i will go back to pakistan, this way both of us will be happy.

I would give her a divorce, but my family are worried about what other people will say. Plus they dont wont to break up with my so called wife's family.

please help

 

[layla is here]

Well I would follow your heart and seek a divorce. At the end of the day it is you who have to live with the other person, not your family. I am sure your mother will be upset but would she really want you to live miserably with someone you can not love (not speaking to each other is not a way to build a loving relationship).
Perhaps you can try separating and get to know each other better then if things work out you can move back to together, and if they do not then divorce.
May Allah grant you ease in this time and find a solution. ameen

 

[Güven]

Thats a Difficult situation you are in my bro
Divorce could be an solution but then again your familiy doesnt want to break with your "wife's" family.

ok let me be clear . I THINK that they have NO right to do this to you , if you want to divorce, THEN DIVORCE , i dont think your family want to see you suffer !
they dont control your life, you dont have to be in misery because the family dont want to break up. Its not up to them , its not their life, its YOURS.

you should marry for the sake of Allah not for the sake of the parents !

Marriage is half of the deen , So i should say DIVORCE if you realy want too
cuz marriage is an important thing!
you are still very young im sure you will find a better wife InshaAllah
May Allah Make things easy for you ameen.

 

[Ushae]

Remember that you should marry a woman for her virtue and religion before anything else, with these you are guarenteed and successfula nd happy marriage. The other three qualities wealth, lineage and beauty should always be secondary.

 

[Zahida]

Little bro ........ you have sais that your wife is just as upset as you and says divorce me and i will go back to Pakistan.......... If she meant it she would go regardless wether you divorce her or not.......... Does she have family here?..........

Idea send her to Pakistan and see what develops when she is there.....

She is leaving the ball in your court so to speak by asking you to divorce her.......... you need to turn that around and put the ball in her court. Catch my drift???

Seems like she is saying this to you so that you can be the one to blame, doesn't want anything to fall back on her......... Be careful.

I hope i have not misjudged or said anything out of place....... If so sorry

 

[siddy]

To be honest i am scared of giving her a divorce, I dont know what the outcome will be, I have already had a death in the family (my father) and i dont want anything to get worse.

My mum keeps reminding me, that 2 of my older brothers have maried this way and they are fine with it, so why am i like this.

I asked them why had i not been shown who i was going to get maried to, My mum replied, this is how we do it in pakistan.

I once asked my sister to tell mum and dad to send her back home, she replied we cannot send her back now. She said if i wanted to leave then go, i will not be welcomed in the family.

it seems like i have no choice. I care about my family thats why i havent brought this subject up for 2 years. i am suffering in silence, marriage is not suppose to be like this.

 

[siddy]

Little bro ........ you have sais that your wife is just as upset as you and says divorce me and i will go back to Pakistan.......... If she meant it she would go regardless wether you divorce her or not.......... Does she have family here?..........

Idea send her to Pakistan and see what develops when she is there.....

She is leaving the ball in your court so to speak by asking you to divorce her.......... you need to turn that around and put the ball in her court. Catch my drift???

Seems like she is saying this to you so that you can be the one to blame, doesn't want anything to fall back on her......... Be careful.

I hope i have not misjudged or said anything out of place....... If so sorry

My so called wife is my uncles daughter. ( dads brother) so we are her family

 

[noorseeker]

You still have time on your hands , i admire you that you have kept it up for two years, im guessing you dont have any kids, so you dont have to worry about that. Its a tough one, sufffereing in silence is of no good, ,make dua to Allah swt.

 

[SixTen]

As much as divorce is disfavoured by Islam, I would like to leave you with some words.

1st - A marriage which is definatly not working (as yours sounds to be so), is probably not something you should keep long term - it is not healthy for either of you

2ndly, to hold onto a marriage simply due to, what people will say, who will be upset - basically, ignoring the issues of the marriage in favour of that which is actually irrelevant, is probably not very good either.

I will have to rant, at these south asians customs - of how young people are abused into random marriages, which they often don't know who they are marrying - have little say in it - and usually are very incompatible. Sadly, cases like yours are not that rare. Evil cultural customs have got the better of a lot of the elder generation. Hopefully, such things, will have been faded out by the new generation, if not the next.

Seriously, how does a parent - when a son comes to them, crying, telling them he is unhappy about his marriage (where, you should give him as much support as you can) - throw in his face how he is ruining their life? Absolutely disgraceful. I would never ever even think of doing such things to any children (if I have any), just thinking about it gives me the shivers. The parents use their children as tools of status... How shameful.

 

[Snowflake]

I feel your plight bro but I don't think I have anything to add right now. I just wanted to let you know that I made duaa for you after salatul Asr. May Allah accept ours and yours. Ameen.

 

[Zahida]

Frm what you are saying it seems that your mum(no disrespect) is doing things to comply with culture........ Islam doesn't do things this way. Can you sit with your mum talk to her and explain things to her, you are her son i am sure your happiness to her is important................

You are still very young and i would say naive (sorry) and have been put in a situation which i can appreciate because you are loyal to your family. You have your whole life ahead of you .......... Search your soul seek Guidance from Allah and surely He will show you the straight path.

But talk to your mum kid..OK. I pray that Allah eases your affairs. Ameen.

 

[siddy]

Frm what you are saying it seems that your mum(no disrespect) is doing things to comply with culture........ Islam doesn't do things this way. Can you sit with your mum talk to her and explain things to her, you are her son i am sure your happiness to her is important................

You are still very young and i would say naive (sorry) and have been put in a situation which i can appreciate because you are loyal to your family. You have your whole life ahead of you .......... Search your soul seek Guidance from Allah and surely He will show you the straight path.

But talk to your mum kid..OK. I pray that Allah eases your affairs. Ameen.

My mum is in pakistan at the moment, she went with my dads body, If i bring this subject up, all they say is, 2 of my brothers have married this way and thy dont have a problem with it so why do i,

they also say they are going to ask my freinds if they do the same things as i do to my so called wife, i.e dont talk to her, dont take food off her etc etc.

I know if i divorce her they wont send her back and id get kicked out, where am i going to go? honestly iv put my self in deep **** just for keeping my parents happy

 

[Zahida]

OK so have patience, when your mum returns after this tragic loss you have all endured......... then talk with her calmly, lovingly and explain to her truthfuly what you feel what is going on.

The fact that your brothers have married this way is nothing to do with what is happening with you.

Also why are they bring your friends into your personal affairs and discussing your marraige with them. It should remain a subject for the family to discuss and resolve.

How old are you? Because your family are treating you like a child. You are old enough to be married so you must be old enough to make some decisions...... You need to stand up for yourself. Please don't be offended!:bump1:

My mum is in pakistan at the moment, she went with my dads body, If i bring this subject up, all they say is, 2 of my brothers have married this way and thy dont have a problem with it so why do i,

they also say they are going to ask my freinds if they do the same things as i do to my so called wife, i.e dont talk to her, dont take food off her etc etc.

I know if i divorce her they wont send her back and id get kicked out, where am i going to go? honestly iv put my self in deep **** just for keeping my parents happy

 

[brotherinfaith]

assalamo alaikom akhi

i just want to say that people no matter who they are treat us according to the way we treat ourselves and to please everybody is an impossible mission but we should be careful as everything is a test and such problems can affect one's faith.what you should know is that only you and your wife should decide for what is good for you and none should interfer with your marriage.

if you let the fear grow inside you you will always have it and you wil never find peace and happiness;so pray to god and ask for guidance through istikhara and do what is close to your heart'' la taziro waziratun wizra ukhra''it's your life and you have to decide for it and know akhi that if your family or your uncle's family will respect you for who you are if you respect yourself and obey only god.
love is from god and hatred is from satan and a muslims should no stop speaking to his brother more than three days and your wife is more than your brother in islam .
but what i want to ask you is why you said to your brther he ruined your life when you knew who you got married to ?also i would like to say that it's a lesson to you so that you can learn that when the prophet said to meet the person we will marry and to sit and talk with them is part of the faith not just to accept blindly and the sunna of the prophet is something to obey too .

barak allaho fik wa aslaha amrak
assalamo alaikom wa rahmato allah

 

[maryam87]

salaam

i got to see who i was married to 3 days after. when i saw her i felt numbness all over my body, but i didnt say anything.

next day i started crying to my dad, saying that you have ruined my life and i dont like who i am married to, my dad got upset and he said get married again.


please help

Can i ask what was wrong with her that u jst saw her n didnt want her? I mean how did u know they ruined ur life when u dont know her? Or maybe u do
its jst confusing me

 

[Lonely Gal]

Bro i feel for u, i really do. U are in a really sticky situation. The things we do to please parents yet when they turn bad, we are still to blame, no matter how hard u try.
My thoughts would say if she is unhappy too and sayin togofor divorce then u should cos ur both living miserable lives.
Do u deep down think your feelings will not become strong towards ur wife?
Even if u go ahead with divorce, that will not be a easy journey. There is realy no easy option in this. I advise you to pray and ask for guidance to whats right. If you are not meant to be then things will end up like that. I think with the sad loss of your father (May Allah swt grant him a place in Heaven) its gona be a harder task to deal with. I think you need to think about the next step very carefully about what u do and when u say it, cos your mum will still be grieving and clearly this divorce option will not make things easier for her.
There is help out there if its needed. If divorce was the option and u got chucked out the house, there are people that would be willing to help u.. friends, other family, organisations? It all depends how deeply this is affecting you and what action u want to take.
I pray for you that things get resolved one way or another for your happiness. It is a very difficult situation to be in, with parents on one side and your happiness in the other. All we can ask for is help from Allah swt to help make is easier and guide us..

 

[Zahida]

I think what our little brother is saying is that she wasn't what he may had hoped for in looks......... there has to be some input and attraction to one another and he wasn't attracted to her(this is just a guess). But you are very right that he needs to get to know her and he may come to like/love what he sees from the inside.........

Allah has put good/bad in everyone, we are the losers by not seeing the goodness in people and finding fault all too quick!

Well done Maryamfor picking up on that point........

Can i ask what was wrong with her that u jst saw her n didnt want her? I mean how did u know they ruined ur life when u dont know her? Or maybe u do
its jst confusing me

 

[siddy]

I think what our little brother is saying is that she wasn't what he may had hoped for in looks......... there has to be some input and attraction to one another and he wasn't attracted to her(this is just a guess). But you are very right that he needs to get to know her and he may come to like/love what he sees from the inside.........

Allah has put good/bad in everyone, we are the losers by not seeing the goodness in people and finding fault all too quick!

Well done Maryamfor picking up on that point........

I have tried to getting to know her, Iv tried to make the marriage work, I thought to myself life is short just pass each day as it comes and inshallah in te next life i will have a better life.

Its not as if i havent spoken to her from day one.

It's as if we areon a different level. plus she doesnt know english that makes it harder( but that aint an excuse)

My family think i dont speak to her because i am shy in front of other members of the family! they also think its got to do with black magic, nbut i know its got nothing to do with thta, only if they knew how i felt.

i am sorry to offend anybody by saying this: iv only slept with her 3 times, this was when i was trying to make the marrige work, i have also found a thavies in my pillow imsad

we just havent clicked there is no love nothing, marriage is not suppose to be like this, it coming to the point when i hear her voice my mood jst goes down. Im not blaming her its not her fault and i am also forgiving my parants.

but why cant they just understand

 

[siddy]

I knew i was going to get married to my uncles daughter but i hadent seen her.

I still beleive there is somebody else out ther for me

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

then stop wasting time, talk to all the necessary people - your mum - her relatives


explain your feelings, be honest.

tell them you've tried your best and would like another chance with another wife.



The solution is simple, your mother is being overly-unreasonably. No one deserves to be forced into an unhappy relationship.


if i was you i would tell my mother each and every night after lots of dua that i am unhappy in this marriage, untill she allows me freedome from it


how you do it is upto you



who knows perhaps Allah will place rahmah in between you and your wife


but if not, divorce is an option (a last resort option) for a reason